Feedback Needed + Continue Ideas Needed Please & Thanks!

Context: Anna and Eli are/were dating, but when an old friend of Anna’s kissed her without her content, Eli thought she was cheating and told her they were taking a break, Anna decided to try and not let it get to her, but one day, when Anna was playing with her daughter (long story) and her daughter brought up Eli, her demons practically devoured her.

We need a break.


A Few Days Later, ANNA is making flower crowns with MARISSA

Mommy, why hasn’t Eli come over lately?

ANNA’s face goes dark and she’s soon surrounded by darkness

You’re pathetic.

Nobody as good as Eli is gonna love a screwup like you.

Victoria right, Jamie stopped calling because he doesn’t love you.

Why don’t you leave and start over? Nobody here will miss you.

ANNA’s brought back to reality


I-I’m fine, sweetie.


  1. Did I represent fighting demons correctly?
  2. Is this realistic dialogue between mother and daughter
  3. Does this interaction feel genuine?


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bumppp !!

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This is exactly how you should set up a thread, like I was saying last night. You’ll get a much better response this way.

  1. I don’t think there’s any “correct” way to represent demons. Is this a recurring motif in your story? Is it consistent to the other times you’ve represented demons? Are they real demons, or just a result of her mental state?
  2. Sure, they don’t say much to each other, though, it seems like it’s more the demon’s scene than theirs.
  3. It seems like something many people with depression face.

A question I have is why would Eli not believe Anna when she has been kissed without her consent? Does Eli not trust Anna, and is there a reason why in their past that Eli wouldn’t believe her (ie. has Anna cheated in the past?)? It sounds like being kissed without your consent ending in a break up would be quite traumatizing, is it going to cut from that break up scene to the Marissa scene in your story? Or will we see some of Anna dealing with her grief and trauma? Also, does Eli ever face narrative consequences for not believing and leaving Anna when she’s been assaulted?


Not Anna, but Eli was cheated on a lot in her past relationship.

And she’s taking that out on Anna? How does Anna feel about that? Why does she put up with it?


This is the first time this has happened, Eli didn’t see the whole thing, and she saw was at an angle where she couldn’t see Anna’s reaction, but Anna did push the dude away. There are a lot of factors that the story explains before this happenes.

And did Anna tell Eli that? And Eli still didn’t believe her? Do they get back together later?

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They do.

She tried.

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