Feedback Needed PLEASE! I'd love some

Anna walks into school

Joy scoffs

Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.

Joy laughs
Jamie ducks her head down and attempts to leave

Joy: What’s up Jamie? Scared? You’re pathetic.

Jamie: Why would I be scared of you?

Jamie: I just want you to leave me the hell alone.

Jamie: What have I ever done to you?

Joy laughs

Joy: What have you done?

Joy: Nothing.

Joy: I just like watching pathetic little insects squirm.

Anna runs over

Anna: What the hell is your problem, Joy?

Anna: You must have a pretty sh*t life if you need to spend it being a bully.

Joy ignores Anna

Joy: Can’t fight your battles on your own, huh, Jamie?

Joy: Need your little white knight to come and save you?

Joy: Pathetic.

Joy swings at Jamie, but Anna blocks it

Anna: Touch a single hair on her head, and I will END you, Joy!

Joy: Joy: And what could you do?!

Joy lunges at Jamie, and Anna blocks her and throws her into the lockers

Anna: You don’t wanna know.

Anna: Listen, I don’t care what you do to me…

Anna: But hurt her, and it’s war!

Anna: So, stay away from my family if you know what’s good for you!

Joy: You do realize I can report you for slamming me into these lockers, right?

Anna bursts out laughing

Anna: And who’s going to believe I put my hands on anybody?

Anna: The school staff sees me as a perfect angel!

Joy plunges at Anna and Anna blocks it pushing her back

Anna: You’re so stupid! I’ve learned self-defense, Joy!




here is my feedback!

grammar is A+, everything looks good there.

as for the writing, i think it would make more sense in context so i can’t say much there, but the action started almost immediately at the beginning of the scene. maybe some build-up could create suspense and keep the reader on their toes.

jamie goes silent for 3/4 of the scene, maybe you could give her a line here and there? i know it’s more of an altercation between joy and anna, but just a thought.

i think you did a great job with the emotions and feeling of the scene, you can already tell anna is confident and cares about jamie (her sister I’m assuming?) and you can feel the intensity of the fight. joy does seem like a textbook villain though, and is a bit cliche, so maybe make her a little less aggressive and show some emotion here and there?

overall, awesome scene! it definitely is intense and shows the way different characters contrast with each other.

1 Like

Cousin, but close.

And Joy isn’t the main villain, just a typical bully.

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