Fettuccine's honest (and hopefully, constructive) reviews! (CLOSED FOR NOW)

Hi everybody! I’m taking requests for honest and constructive reviews, since I know how useful a second opinion on your story can be. I’ll try to keep my reviews as constructive as possible, but feel free to let me know if there’s any misunderstandings or mistakes in them! :slight_smile:

A quick heads up: I don’t really like the Classic style, so I won’t review stories in that style - sorry! Also, I will post all reviews in this thread - please indicate that you’re OK with this when filling out the request form.

Another thing, this isn’t an R4R thread, but I would appreciate it if you’d check out my story:

My Story

Title: Viral
Author: Fettuccine
Description: After a pandemic mysteriously displaces you and your friends’ parents, you determinedly seek them out - only to discover their disappearances were just the beginning… (LGBT+, CC)
Cover:


Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4518230484647936

Thank you!

Password: storyreview

Review Request Form

Story Title:
Genre:
Chapters (also whether it’s ongoing or complete):
Description:
Link (just in case I can’t find it by searching!):
Extra information (e.g. English isn’t your first language, overlays still being approved, etc.):
Style:
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread?
Cover:
Password:

What I’ll review about your story/include in my review:

  • 3 chapters, usually.
  • Grammar
  • Directing
  • Plot
  • Choices
  • Characters
  • Diversity
  • Anything else you want me to focus on.
Waiting List:
  1. The Gifted by @Anyi.E
  2. Queer: Camp Heimat by @Phoenix_Hope
  3. Total Control: Blood Mist by @Tc_World
Completed Reviews:
  1. Master of elements by @anianju
  2. Thespian Theatrical by @kahotshot
  3. I made the devil cry by @Vendula
  4. Shado by @Roy
  5. Just Friends by @its.emmaepisode
  6. Melody of Your Heartbeat by @medusa.jett
  7. Blind to Blood by @Uglygh0stt
  8. Breaking Boundaries by @Sweetheart23
  9. The Flame Between Us by @bmc.epsd
  10. Striving For My Happy Ending by @mitsuki.writes
5 Likes

Thank you for doing this :blush:
So here is my story:
Story Title: Master of elements
Genre: Fantasy
Chapters: 3(more coming soon)
Description: Will you and your friends able to save the world from darkness as you uncover secrets back 500 years ago ? (Time choices points system, adventure, fantasy, mystery and action)
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5576198820528128
Style : Limelight
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread? : Yes :hugs::heart:
Cover:

What I’ll review about your story/include in my review: Grammar, Directing, Plot, Choices, Characters and Diversity.

1 Like

I thought you were going to review actual fettuccine, like the food :skull_and_crossbones::joy:

I don’t have a story for now but I would check out a story called Bloody Lies

I actually don’t like fettuccine that much anymore :joy:

But I’ll check out the story, thanks for the recommendation!

1 Like

Added to the waiting list! I’ll read all 3 chapters and get back to you ASAP :smiley:

1 Like

Thank you :hugs::heart:

Story Title: Thespian Theatrical
Genre: Romance
Chapters (also whether it’s ongoing or complete): 9 (complete)
Description: Estefania Hermoso loves theatre and has a passion for it. But what happens when she finds out that a girl she likes has lost her passion for theatre?
Link (just in case I can’t find it by searching!): http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5772043488395264
Extra information (e.g. English isn’t your first language, overlays still being approved, etc.): The story has some Spanish dialogue
Style: Limelight
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread?: Yes
Cover:

Added to the list!

1 Like

Hi, @anianju! I’ve read 3 chapters of your story, and here is your review :smile:

Review
Grammar

It’s pretty solid throughout the story, although there are occasional mistakes with some awkward structures (e.g. “approached to me,” rather than “approached me.”) However, this doesn’t severely affect communication, and there’s not too many errors to the point where it’s distracting, so don’t worry too much about it.
I would also recommend capitalising your title, so it looks like this - ‘Master of Elements.’ This is just my opinion, but I think it looks more professional if it’s properly capitalised. Also, although your description has some interesting elements, I think the phrasing is a little awkward. Instead of ‘back 500 years ago,’ (which sounds a little clunky), you could have ‘from 500 years ago.’ Also, it should be ‘timed choices,’ not ‘time choices.’ I think your description is a little on the short side and slightly generic, but I’d say the incredibly impressively made cover makes up for it.
Nonetheless, your grammar throughout the story is impressive - it conveys your ideas clearly (and I also really love the inclusion of more than one language!)

Directing

WOW. Your directing is brilliant. I can see why your episodes take about a month to be completed, they’re so clean! Your spot directing is excellent, you’re creative with bubbles - I like how you shrunk the speech bubbles to indicate whispers, your (tappable) overlays are really cool and I personally really enjoyed how they were integrated into your introduction. The custom splashes were also very well made. I can tell a lot of effort was put into your story and I am genuinely so impressed by your directing. The only thing I’ll briefly bring up here is that I noticed not all hairstyles (some Afro-textured ones) are available in CC, but I understand you might have limited customisation.
Also, I think you should add customisation for Vayu - because I was dark skinned, he was too - but he had pink lips! It was quite distracting.
I appreciate the Q&A at the end of each episode, I think it’s a fantastic way to communicate with your audience and encourage interest in your story.
The things I’ve previously mentioned are very minor, and overall, I think your directing was sublime. :smiley:

Plot

Your plot isn’t difficult to follow at all - I can tell things are going to get more complicated (with the introduction of the main(?) villain at the end of episode 3), but currently its delivery is pretty good and well explained. There was occasional telling instead of showing (e.g. Priya’s introduction and her attraction to Vayu), which I feel could’ve been conveyed more smoothly through her actions. You did later actually demonstrate an example of showing rather than telling with some of the backstory of the spirit Vayu is visited by. The pace was good - nothing happened too quickly or took too long, besides maybe some of the timed choices. The dialogue never felt pointless, or like filler - it helped establish certain traits of the main characters. Overall, your plot is quite interesting and I think the use of overlays (especially those eyes the MC gets when she uses her powers!) really help bring it to life.

Choices

I think there is a good number of choices in all of your episodes, and the point system is a good way of keeping track of them - the reader messages also add a very nice interactivity to the story because thye show the reader’s choices will have consequences.
This is suuuuper subjective, but I did feel like most of the relationship point choices were too black and white - as in, it was obvious which was the ‘right’ choice to make. Again, this is completely subjective, but I prefer ‘greyer’ choices - that is, choices where the ‘right’ answer is a little more unclear and takes some more thought, or there isn’t strictly a correct answer. I enjoyed the timed choices, though I was surprised by how much time I got for some of them - again, I like to think the purpose of timed choices is to get the player to make a decision quickly by putting pressure on them. However, in this case, I think it made sense, as the options for each choice were quite long sentences. Maybe you could try and shorten them, to increase the tension - especially since these timed choices appeared in fight scenes?

Diversity

Correct me if I’m wrong, but your story takes place in India(?) and the main characters are Indian(?) - if so, I think the diversity is somewhat lacking. I am not Indian, so I don’t want to overstep, but I do know that Indians are a very diverse group of people, with a range of different features, including skin tones - so I was disappointed to see that all the main characters are fair skinned by default, with only my brother and I being dark skinned after customisation. I also noticed there doesn’t appear to be any LGBT characters/options (yet), which was also kind of disappointing. However - skin colour and sexual orientations are not the only way to be diverse (though they are good, dark-skinned people and/or LGBT people are horribly underrepresented on Episode)! There are other ways, e.g. having a mixture of disabled/able-bodied characters, having characters of different classes, having a mixture of characters from different religions, etc. I think you should consider implementing some more diversity in your story. But it is your story, and you can - and should - do what you want with it.

Characters

The MC: It’s quite early on in the story, but some clear traits of hers have already been established, which I like: she’s self-assured, confident, focussed, but playful. I like that her relationship with her brother can be shaped based on player choice - even without it, their first interaction in episode 1 felt very natural. I noticed she also gets quite bashful at the end episode 3, when she meets her love interest, which I thought was sweet. I look forward to seeing the relationship develop as well as her character (e.g. becoming less bashful around him as they get closer).

Vayu: His relationship with the main character is realistic, as I mentioned earlier. He came off as being quite a funny guy who isn’t completely down to earth, as shown by his reaction to the spirit. I think he makes a good foil to the main character - but I also like that he’s characterised outside of her with his interactions with the spirit. I hope we see more of her, too!

Priya: I didn’t see too much of her, but I hope she gets characterised beyond her attraction to Vayu. I would love to see her backstory, such as whether she’s a bender or not, more on her relationship with the MC and Vayu despite her crush on him, and if she has a role in the final battle you’ve mentioned in the Q&A.

Avatar: There isn’t really much to say about him yet. He seemed friendly enough to the main character, but we don’t know anything about him yet, other than that he’s been possessed. I look forward to seeing how his character and relationship with the MC and her brother will develop, including his role in the final battle.

I hope you found this helpful, and good luck with your story! I enjoyed it and saved it to my favourites.

1 Like

Hi!
I would love a review :llama:
Title: I made the devil cry
Genre fantasy
6 chapters, ongoing
I’m still thinking about the description, I not sure about it yet :cat_shocked:
http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5097630993022976


I would like to know if it’s interesting, Worth reading, because I’m not sure if the Story Is good And if I should continue it the way it Is or revamp it completely, thanks!
Btw you can post it here, I don’t mind.

1 Like

Thanks for the thread! Here’s mine…

Title: Shado
Author: Roy
Description: After tragedy, Roy returns to civilization a changed women. She begins her crusade, determined to put things right, with the help of her trusted people,waging a one-woman on crime
Instagram : roy_episode
Genre : Action
Style: Ink
Chapters: 7 and ongoing
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5108744574074880

Shado_S9_posterThumb_cEh8zzozgE

Am I OK with my review being posted in this thread? : Yes.

1 Like

Here’s mine, thanks for doing this, I’m okay with you posting the review on this thread :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

Title: Just Friends 4&5

Author: Emma

Genre: Drama/Romance/Mystery

Style: LL

Episodes: 5 released (more coming)

Description: Returned home after 1.5 year. People are not the same, but neither are you. But everything goes downhill when last year’s problems reappears.

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5703452371255296Pic

1 Like

@Vendula, @Roy and @its.emmaepisode your stories have been added to the list!

2 Likes

Hi, @kahotshot! I’ve read 3 chapters of your story, and here is your review :smiley:

Review
Grammar

Your grammar was very solid throughout the 3 episodes. I didn’t really spot any errors, though there were occasional structures that sounded a little awkward, such as “class runs a little long.” However, this is a very minor thing - it didn’t affect communication, so I don’t think it really mattered. I didn’t notice any spelling mistakes either - I can tell a lot of effort was put into your story’s presentation, and I am impressed.

Directing

Your directing is a little basic, but very clean. I don’t really have any issues with it, I think it looked nice and polished. There were a few moments where characters would idle when they could’ve been doing a different animation, but again, this is a pretty minor issue. I would suggest for future stories, maybe varying your spotting positions a little more and including some more zooms? Especially for scenes intended to be romantic/dramatic, I think that would really add to the user experience!

Plot

The plot is nice and simple: a romance between two girls against the backdrop of theatre. It’s sweet and short. I like it. To be completely honest, I actually found it very endearing. I don’t really have any complaints about the plot itself – the pacing was realistic, but the fourth-wall breaking was, in my opinion, a bit of a weird choice. Some of the dialogue didn’t feel natural. I think this is mostly down to there being a lot of telling, rather than showing – e.g. Beverly thinking about her dislike of theatre, and when we are briefly shown a flashback explaining it in episode 3, she tells us what happens, rather than us seeing it onscreen. Again, the plot isn’t super intense, but it’s well written enough to make me curious about the developing romance between the two women, as well as Beverly’s backstory and the reason she hates theatre.

Choices

There was a decent number of choices throughout your episode, but I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really feel like any of them mattered at all. Again, your plot (to me) seems like a sweet little slice of life story, so I didn’t expect major branching. But I think they could have been tweaked to give the reader a much bigger feeling of impact. However, I did like how we could shape Estefania’s personality somewhat through player choice, but again, I didn’t feel like it had much of a permanent impact. (Though I could be wrong, since I’ve only read 3 chapters so far).

Diversity

I would call your story quite diverse – the Hispanic characters notably had different skin tones and facial features, we had an interracial and queer couple, the story mixes two languages (something I personally really like seeing on Episode). It also features LGBT main characters and centres an LGBT romance. I think you did a pretty good job in the diversity department – I don’t often see stories on the app where the main character is explicitly LGBT (especially the L.) Well done!

Characters

Estefania: I like being able to shape her personality, even if it is just for certain moments. Within the first three episodes, I could tell she’s a determined, mature, and curious woman. The framing of her relationship with Beverly as her helping her to regain her passion for theatre indicates she is also a kindhearted person. However, she’s not perfect – she doesn’t always communicate perfectly with Beverly and I look forward to seeing her overcome this. I think her chemistry with Beverly is pretty good so far, and I find her to be a likeable main character because of the previously mentioned traits.

Beverly: Right off the bat, she seemed friendly and likeable. Although she is keeping a secret from Estefania, I like her chemistry with her and think they make a really cute couple. I would love to see more characterisation of her outside of this romance. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing more when she reveals more of her backstory to Estefania, which will help layer her slightly more as a character, as well as help her overcome the communication barrier with Estefania. I think this’ll be a very interesting development, and I’m looking forward to seeing it unfold in the next few episodes.

Ximena: To be completely honest, I don’t know much about her outside of being a supportive best friend to Estefania (yet).

John and Alex: Again, I don’t know that much about them. They seem to be a happy couple with their own goals independent to Estefania, which I like. I’ll definitely look out for them in the next 6 episodes. Their relationship is also pretty adorable.

I really liked your story – I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the romance genre, but I really want to see where the relationship goes, as well as how Estefania is going to help Beverly regain her passion for theatre.

Thank you for sharing! :slight_smile:

1 Like

Story Title: Melody of Your Heartbeat
Genre: Romance? With hints of comedy/drama lol.
Chapters (also whether it’s ongoing or complete): 6 - Ongoing
Description: Working as a cashier at a music store wasn’t the moody Ryder’s idea of fun until he meets a beautiful music enthusiast that rocks his world! Romance and drama await! (CC)
**Link (just in case I can’t find it by searching!):**http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5781965477445632
Extra information (e.g. English isn’t your first language, overlays still being approved, etc.):
Style: Ink
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread? Yes
Cover:cov

Added to the list.

1 Like

Thank you so so much for this lovely feedback and review :hugs::heart:

No problem, I look forward to seeing your next episode!

1 Like

Hi, @Vendula! I’ve read 2 chapters of your story, and here’s your review:

Review
Grammar

There are a lot of errors in your story. In fact, the first line in the story didn’t make any sense! Other errors including missing full stops at the end of sentences, verbs that were conjugated incorrectly, and awkward phrasing. I mostly understood your story, though some errors were severe enough to be confusing. I think you should get a proof reader for your story – there are a large range of errors, but that can be fixed!

Directing

Your directing was pretty clean. I did notice a couple of spot directing errors, for example, when the king goes to meet the elf king, he glides to that position. Characters also occasionally popped onscreen, but that can be fixed by using ‘&’ instead of ‘@.’ Some scenes ended abruptly, especially in the first episode, but again, that can be fixed with more transitions. Also, when you were zooming between Helena and Raven, I noticed that it took a moment to zoom between them – this can be fixed by changing it to @zoom on x y z to a% in 0, rather than 1, or 2, etc.

When Raven is narrating, you can use NARRATOR (RAVEN) so that the bubble shows her name, rather than it being blank. At first, until later into the story, I had no idea who was narrating.
Despite some of the directing errors, I really liked your use of overlays and thought they were effective for the most part.

Plot

I mean this in the least offensive way, but I don’t completely understand the plot of your story. I found the beginning a little confusing because it was a huge exposition dump. From what I’ve gathered, it’s about two women who go on missions in the middle of a war between kingdoms. That and Helena has a boyfriend who, after suffering brain damage, has regressed to a childlike state.
This is a very interesting concept, and I think your story has potential, but there is way too much telling instead of showing. Episode is a visual storytelling app – and I think you should utilise that to its full potential! For example, in the beginning, there was a LOT of narration, which felt unnecessary to me.

Instead of this narration, you could show the king struggling with selecting his successor – his sons could be seen arguing onscreen about it, whilst he looks on with a concerned face. That’s just one way of communicating this plot point to your readers without telling us it through narration. I personally find narration very boring and usually skip out on episodes that have a lot of it.

I honestly didn’t find the cliffhanger at the end of episode 2 that interesting, but I think with some well-placed zooms, some slightly better narration of Raven’s thoughts (just a little more descriptive) and perhaps a more interactive fight scene, it would be a lot more interesting.

The dialogue between characters sounded quite strange. It was definitely partly because of the grammatical errors, but it also often didn’t feel meaningful. I think having someone proof-read would help, because whilst I understood that Helena and Raven are meant to be good friends, their dialogue felt pretty stiff and robotic at points.

I thought the pacing of your episode was good for the most part. Occasionally it was a little too fast, but it most of the time, it moved at a solid speed.

All in all, your plot has so much potential! It just needs a touch-up for spelling/grammar, and more showing, rather than telling.

Choices

There weren’t many choices in the two episodes I played, which is why I didn’t play a third one - I prefer stories that are highly interactive.

Of the choices that did appear in the story, most of them were black and white and it was clear which was the right answer. I’ve said it before in this thread, but I strongly prefer greyer choices, as well as choices that help you develop the main character’s personality!

To improve, I suggest you add more choices – but not choices that have no impact. When adding a choice, ask yourself questions like this: how does this affect the story? Why am I including this choice? How will other characters react to it?

That will help you include much better choices.

Diversity

All of your main characters are white, so there’s no real racial/ethnic diversity in your story. I don’t know if there are LGBT characters/relationship in your episode, but so far, the only relationship featured is a heterosexual one. Your story isn’t very diverse at the moment.

I think your story would benefit from more diversity, but it’s up to you whether you want to include it. As I said earlier, diversity isn’t necessarily just racial/ethnic, it can be having characters from different classes, characters who are/aren’t disabled, etc.

Also, just a quick heads up: do not put Afro-textured hair on white characters. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, but I personally found it offensive. The character in question I’m talking about is the master character, who was white, but had the ‘Dreads Braided’ hairstyle. I strongly recommend that you change her hairstyle.

Characters

Raven: She’s the main character(?), and a heroin addict. I don’t know much about her, other than she’s pretty dedicated to her job and thinks it’s important to be strong. I also know that she resents how time-consuming her job is and is pretty confident. In spite of her confidence, she is shown to be compassionate, feeling terrible about the people she kills and praying for forgiveness. I have mixed feelings about her drug addiction – I can tell you’re trying not to glorify substance abuse, but heroin is shown to make her better at her job, which (to me) is kind of glorifying it. I would be interested in seeing her overcome her addiction, as well as seeing more of how it affects her job performance and her relationship with other characters. With some more fleshing out, Raven will be a really great main character.

Helena: I could tell she’s sort of the sarcastic, funny best friend to Raven and seems to be pretty good at her job, too. She isn’t just sarcastic, though, she can also be supportive and level-headed, as shown by her disapproval of Raven’s substance abuse. Her relationship with Myroslav also revealed she’s interested in having a future outside of her work and values commitment. I honestly think she’s a little more fleshed out than Raven, the main character, and I hope she gets developed even further.

Overall, I think your story has interesting elements and is worth reading. I don’t think you should revamp it completely, but I definitely think some parts of it could do with a revamp (e.g. toning down the narration, fixing grammatical errors, introducing a more diverse cast, etc.)

thank you love :slight_smile:

1 Like