Here’s my story Blind To Blood.
I had someone say that in my first couple of chapters that my characters kinda popped onto the scene instead of already being there. So if it’s like that, I’m aware. I just haven’t had the chance to go back and change my @'s to &'s
No problem! I’ll have your review ready ASAP
I’ll keep that in mind - added to the list!
Hey, @Roy – I’ve read 3 chapters of Shado, and here’s your review:
I didn’t have much trouble understanding most of the dialogue in your story. However, there was a lot of missing punctuation in sentences, and sometimes words would be capitalised in the middle of sentences. This gave the effect of dialogue looking a little rushed/incomplete, and occasionally made things a bit confusing. I would strongly suggest you get a proof-reader to help you with this.
Also, your description is missing a word – it should be a ‘one-woman war on crime,’ not just a ‘one-woman on crime.’ Your cover is definitely eye-catching, but I’m not going to lie, an error like that in your description would probably prevent me from reading the story. There should also be a space between the comma after ‘people’ and ‘waging.’
Your directing was a mixed bag. Zooms were utilised pretty well and added some extra tension to certain scenes. The car overlays looked clean, for the most part. But I also noticed a lot of characters popping onscreen, which can be fixed by using & instead of @. In the scene where Roy fights (and kills) her dad, she and her mum switch places, which is fine – except that they teleport to each other’s spots!
Sometimes the camera wasn’t in the right zone of where the dialogue was supposed to be happening, (e.g. when Roy’s talking to her mum about the tournament, or when she’s collecting information with a Bluetooth earpiece in, the introduction of Alec – unless we weren’t meant to see him?). In addition, the doorbell sound effect from when Roy kills Jimmy looped for a lot of the episode, which was kind of distracting.
I don’t know if it was intentional, but Roy is wearing a mask on her date with Noah in episode 2 (she wasn’t in episode 1, if I remember correctly).
This is a very minor thing, but I really think you could do with spacing characters out more – especially for the fight scene between Roy and her dad – in my opinion, it just looked a little cramped and unprofessional.
I liked your use of arm overlays in the beginning and your use of the hand-raising animation, to indicate that the referee was holding up Roy’s hand to signify her as the winner was really creative!
To improve, you should play through your episode before publishing it to check for errors. With the characters popping onscreen, there are some useful guides to help with spot directing on the forums.
It’s well-explained and not at all difficult to follow. I do think there were some pacing issues – I feel like episodes 2 and 3 moved too quickly, especially with Jimmy’s death, which I hoped would have more build-up. Noah’s death happening early is fine, but again, I would’ve loved to see a little more development before it happened.
There was quite a bit of showing, instead of telling, especially with Noah’s crush on Roy and Roy’s backstory. I also thought Roy’s backstory was a little cliché, but clichés aren’t really a problem if they’re utilised well.
When you use narration in your story, ask yourself before adding it: can the audience find this out another way? (E.g. Roy’s past could’ve been communicated through flashbacks with no dialogue – she could have been shown listening to her parents argue and getting upset, then the next time she hears it, she barely reacts (because she’s used to it), but then the next time, when she hears her dad attacks her mother, she comes down and accidentally kills him). That’s just one way of showing, as opposed to telling.
Your plot definitely has interesting elements with a lot of potential.
For an action story, there’s not a lot of choices, which was kind of disappointing. Most of them were dressing games (which I don’t really think of as real choices). I think your episode would benefit from having more choices with a greater impact on the story, (e.g. a point system determining whether you can romance Alec or not), as well as more timed choices. Timed choices in particular make action stories much more enjoyable (in my opinion), adding tension and putting pressure on the reader.
I think you should consider using timed choices to make fight scenes more interactive.
At one point, I seemed to make a choice as Roy’s mother, rather than Roy, which was a little confusing - and it didn’t really seem to affect the plot, at all.
Roy: I noticed that you and Roy share a name – is she based on you? In the first three episodes, she was established as being reserved about her feelings, but was also shown to care deeply about Noah. She’s protective of people she loves and clearly wants to do good, though she also has a vengeful streak. I really like that she isn’t a perfect main character – she loses her temper, lies to her mother and unhealthily channels her grief. Roy has a lot of growing to do as a character, which makes her much more interesting. Having a flawed main character is good.
Noah: He only appeared in episode one, but he’s still a relatively important character, considering the fact that his death triggers the plot. Noah came off as a little weird to me at times – kind of pushy about his attraction to Roy, though I could tell he meant well. He seemed like a supportive, caring friend, but he wasn’t really characterised much, outside his love of Roy.
So far, the story isn’t very diverse. I don’t know if there are LGBT main characters/options that I haven’t gotten to yet, but currently, the main character and her (living and dead) love interests are both white. People of colour do appear in your story, but they’re typically not major characters – and one of them is a black woman with blue eyes, which I personally don’t like seeing.
*Minor thing, but is Len ever going to reappear? I wondered how he was going to react to Noah’s death, but he seems to have disappeared.
The only character of colour I can think of who seems to be playing a relatively major role is ‘Brother,’ who seems… villainous (but he might not be). This is kind of a shame.
As I’ve said in other reviews, I genuinely think all stories benefit from diversity in characters – it makes them so much more interesting.
But, I also say that it’s your story and you should do what you want to do with it.
I hope you found this review helpful. Your story has a lot of interesting elements, and I think, with some polishing, it’ll be really fantastic. Good luck with your story!
Thank you so much for your time. I will definitely look into the matters you mentioned and fix them.
thank you 
I’m working on 4th episode 
I will soon upload it
Story Title: Breaking Boundaries
Genre: Drama
Chapters (also whether it’s ongoing or complete): 3 working on 4
Description: Noelle, a cheerleader who’s passionate about football. She wants to prove to the boys that girls have the capability to play football. Will Noelle be able to break the boundaries?
Link (just in case I can’t find it by searching!): http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4671208766111744
Extra information (e.g. English isn’t your first language, overlays still being approved, etc.): i might make a few changes by the time you review it
Style: LL
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread? here is fine
Cover:
No problem, I’m glad my review was helpful! 
Sorry, I only post reviews in this thread, because I want everyone, even people who don’t post their stories, to read feedback I’ve given that could them improve their stories!
I’ll add your story to the waiting list if you change your mind, though. 
Oh. okay you can put on the thread then.
Hey! Here is my story. You can check it out if you’d like. Please be brutally honest!! (Little note, I am going back and changing some things right now, so it may suck haha)
Feel free to leave feedback on the forum, or DM me on instagram @bmc._.artz
You can post the review on the thread!!
❀ Title: The Flame Between Us
❀ Genre: Drama/romance
❀ Episodes: 5 so far (more on the way).
❀ Style: LL
❀ CC: Unfortunately, not :(. The character details correspond with the story line so unfortunately the two mc’s are NOT customizable. However, there is a chance to customize yourself later on.
❀ Short Summary: As young teenagers, Ellen and Andrew are inseparable. They’ve been with each other through thick and thin. Andrew is a rebellious kid and Ellen is a golden girl. One day his parents are sick of his actions and send him to boarding school. Ellen is devastated and wants to be with him. So she becomes rebellious too, and she tries everything to go to boarding school with him. After numerous attempts, Ellen gets sent to boarding school, halfway across the country, leaving her memories and feelings for Andrew behind. After a couple years, Ellen returns to her old school. There she is reunited with Andrew and she learns to be a better person. Ellen tries to win Andrew’s heart back, facing many obstacles. Can she win back his heart like she once did? Or will someone else sweep her off her feet in the process.
❀ Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5005532319514624
❀ Cover:
Once again, thank you so much for this opportunity, and thank you for giving my story a read if you decide to. (Sorry if it’s bad and REALLY cliche.)
Hi, I’d like a review on my new fantasy story! Constructive criticism appreciated! Thank you! 
Story Title: Striving For My Happy Ending
Genre: Fantasy
Chapter: 3 (Ongoing)
Description:
July died suddenly, only to find herself waking up in the world of the ‘Reaching You’ online story! Even worse, as the antagonist who will meet her death! (LL, limited CC)
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5715293131571200
Extra information:
None.
Style: LL
Are you OK with your review being posted in this thread? I’m alright with that.
Cover:
Alright. Added to the waiting list.
No problem! I’ll keep that in mind whilst writing your review. Added to the waiting list.
Added to the waiting list.
Ok thank you
Hi, @its.emmaepisode I’ve read 3 episodes of your story, and here’s your review:
Your description sounds a little weird to me because of some awkward phrasing, and not all that intriguing. I like that you instantly establish that the player’s been away from home for a while and things have changed, but ‘things going downhill’ sounds a little generic and I probably wouldn’t click your story based on that description.
Example replacement description:
After 1.5 years away from home, you realise you’re not the only one who’s changed. But when your problems from last year resurface and everything goes downhill, you’re forced to come clean. (LL, CC).
I don’t think this description is perfect by any means, but I do think it is a little more interesting than the current one. I suggest you ask for help on the forums with your description, because it’s one of the first things readers see about your story.
Your grammar was pretty good throughout the story – there were no serious problems with communication, though punctuation like commas and question marks were missing/the wrong punctuation was used in some places, e.g. a full stop instead of a question mark. There was an incorrect use of ‘you’re,’ at one point, as a possessive. Remember that ‘your’ indicates something belongs to you, whereas ‘you’re’ is a shortening of ‘you are.’
‘Luscious,’ not ‘lushes’ in episode 1 when Codi is describing the MC’s lips.
‘Something familiar about her,’ not ‘with her,’ etc. Errors like these occurred throughout the dialogue. This doesn’t make the sentences impossible to understand, but it does damage the flow of your story a little.
Knowing that English isn’t your first language makes this really impressive – the dialogue, for the most part doesn’t sound too awkward. I would suggest getting a proof-reader, though, because some of the missing punctuation made sentences (at least to me, when I read them in my head to myself) sound really weird.
This has nothing to do with grammar, but I really like your cover!
Very clean. There’s only a couple of errors, e.g. one transition seemed to happen too late? When Andreas is standing behind his bed, he’s not layered behind it at first (though that could just be Episode’s fault) and a transition comes after, which looked really weird.
Try this: @transition (type)
&ANDREAS spot x y z, so that he’s already onscreen as the transition starts.
Andreas comes in way too quickly when the MC and Codi go looking for him in the changing rooms. There are a couple more moments where characters walk a little too quickly, but these can be easily fixed with making them walk to a spot in x seconds. Play around with timing when testing your story.
I can tell a lot of effort was put into your directing, with overlays and quite a few zooms. They’re utilised pretty well and I like that you included a lot of transitions. This made the story flow a lot better – I also really liked how at one point you used your directing to show characters ageing.
This is a very minor part of the directing, but I really like your use of tappable overlays and your splashes in the introduction. It made your story look really professional!
There are a lot of interesting elements to your plot. Nothing has been fully revealed yet, which is fine, but I’m not going to lie, I don’t find all of it that interesting. Your plot seems grounded, for the most part, and I think that’s really effective.
Although there were tonal shifts and they generally worked pretty well, I did find the sudden shift to Codi’s suddenly bruised face kind of jarring, especially since no explanation was given. I thought it would be elaborated on more in the third episode, but it wasn’t – it didn’t really seem like a big enough mystery to carry on any longer. Especially since – at least in my opinion – we don’t know much about Codi, and I thought this would be a good opportunity to learn more about his backstory. But we’ll see, it might be more significant than I think.
Though, I do wonder who she was visiting behind prison. Was it Kian? That was a pretty big tonal shift, lol.
There’s some telling instead of showing, which is a shame – especially for the scene where you show Jamie and Jarrad’s mother dying, and the two growing up without her. I genuinely think that could’ve been conveyed just as clearly without dialogue telling us what happened. I’ll say it again, I love how you showed the characters ageing afterwards. The narration didn’t seem necessary.
The establishment of the main character’s absence for 1.5 years was mostly well done – her relationship with her mother is unstable, and for good reason. I like that her brother’s behaviour is addressed as him worrying that she’ll leave again, but also that he’s shown trying to figure out what’s going on in her head. It added some interesting layers to his character.
I hope we see some flashbacks to when she was away, to see how other characters dealt with her being gone, how the relationships between them were affected, etc.
A quick question: how old is everyone? How much older is Andreas than the MC – is he an academic year ahead of her? Because I noticed the MC and Codi drinking at the beginning of the story, but they’re high school students, right?
I can buy Codi being 18 (and this story not being set somewhere where the drinking age is 18), but even if the MC and Andreas are in the same academic year, he has to be several months older than her – she shouldn’t be 18 yet, unless he was held back a year. I don’t know. I noticed this as I was reading and was a little confused. It’s not a big deal. Just something I noticed.
Of the choices I’ve made so far, I can tell some might affect my relationship with other characters later on. There were a couple of choices in each episode – excluding the dressing games – but none seemed to have any impact (yet).
For example, the MC can say she’ll “think about” going to Amber and Adrian’s party, or that she’ll go. I chose the first option, and wasn’t surprised when she was talked into it. I didn’t really see the point of making that down to player choice.
Another choice that I was genuinely surprised to see had no impact was the MC choosing not to thank Codi for standing up for her. It’s a very tiny thing, but I thought he would be less receptive to her hug, or she would leave him alone, despite seeing him upset, since my choice indicated she’s not interested in him.
Still, I’ll probably keep reading to see if my choices affect my relationships later on in the story.
The MC: It’s quickly established that she feels guilty about leaving her family for 1.5 years. Her lashing out at her mother was understandable, though I didn’t think it was totally justified, so seeing her mother give in after a while disappointed me a little. Nonetheless, she clearly cares about her friends and family and is trying to settle back into her old routine. I like that she’s pretty confident and knows what she wants. Despite it being implied she’s not great at dealing with her problems, she seemed to handle the news of Jamie moving away pretty maturely. I liked that, too.
Codi: Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of him as a love interest. I don’t really like that he slept with the MC when she was drunk, and I find him a bit clichéd. His instant attraction to the MC kind of annoyed me, too – especially when he suddenly – and jealously – asked her how she knew Chad. It just felt kind of weird to me, I didn’t think his crush on her had been fleshed out enough. I hope that one random moment was just out of character, because I personally can’t stand jealous love interests.
Andreas: I quite like his character. He’s not perfect, but he looks out for the MC and seems pretty mature. I like that for the most part, his protective nature of his little sister doesn’t stifle her completely and he seems to trust her. I think he’s a little bit more developed than the MC, since we found out more about how he’s worried about her leaving again, so he’s trying to avoid upsetting her. I really like that we could clearly understand that he was conflicted about it, and I hope that this has consequences further down the line.
It’s been a somewhat common theme in this thread so far that everyone’s main characters are usually pale-skinned and straight, and if they’re PoC, they’re often usually the same type. (CC options do not and cannot replace diversity).
That said, however, I like that her best friend has epilepsy and I hope that we see more on how that affects her life, as you don’t often see disabled people represented on Episode.
As I’ve said in other reviews, diversity is good for a story – by default, it gives all your characters different backgrounds and therefore makes them much more dynamic. I would consider adding a little more to your story.
Also, please don’t give black characters blue and green eyes. It’s not that common a feature and it honestly just looks really jarring. Just give them brown eyes.
I hope you found this review helpful. Your story has a bunch of interesting elements and I’m curious to see how they all come together. Good luck with it!
Thanks for reading and taking your time to write the review <33 If you do continue reading, you will get a lot more answers, the three first chapters was supposed to be a bit confusing, leaving a lot of unanswered questions. That not everyone likes this way of telling a story, is a personal preference.
Hi, @medusa.jett. I’ve just read 3 chapters of your story, and here’s your review:
The grammar in your story was pretty good for the most part. Occasionally, punctuation was missing, but it didn’t make dialogue sound too awkward. I would suggest a proof-reader for fixing these mistakes. Sometimes sentences were a little too long, but there really isn’t much to critique. I didn’t find the dialogue difficult to follow at all.
The directing in the episodes I read was really clean. You used zooms effectively, making scenes more dynamic. Your use of overlays was accurate – though some of them were a little low in quality, I really love the effort you put into your story.
I don’t have much to suggest, other than to use a little more spot directing – I found it kind of weird that all the characters were typically the same height, especially Ryder and his dad. Nonetheless, your directing was nice and smooth all of the time – I didn’t really notice any errors.
Just a heads up, but I’d suggest breaking up very long bubbles into two. I can’t speak for most readers, but I really can’t stand them, and I know they’re not always visible on tablets.
Overall, I think your first episode was especially well directed, with the directing getting slightly more basic in the episodes following it - but honestly, so long as the dialogue and plot flow well, it’s fine!
The description doesn’t lie. She (the MC) really does rock his world – a lot . There are some interesting subplots in your episode, like Ryder breaking away from his dad due to emotional and verbal abuse, an ex-boyfriend of the MC’s who has caused her a lot of trouble, etc.
Your plot is simple for the most part and that works. I’m not sure I’d place it in the drama genre so far though, because honestly, this is – at its core – a love story.
The execution of your plot made some subplots a little less interesting – characters simply thought their motivations or their backstories, which was a little boring after a while. Alternatively, they would say explanations for their behaviour out loud - such as Ryder telling his dad the reason he ‘resents’ him (the verb choice that feels really awkward, I would just replace it with ‘hate’), which felt really unnatural.
I know I’ve said it in a bunch of reviews, but if you can think of a way to show the audience something, rather than telling them, I’d highly recommend it. It makes things flow so much better and everything seems a lot more natural that way.
The development of the relationship between Ryder and the MC is still in progress, but I think you should slow it down a little – in episode 3, Ryder claims he’s ‘overprotective’ of the MC, which I really didn’t find believable. Your pacing is alright for a lot of the story, it’s just the relationship between the two leads that seems a little rushed.
Again, I can’t speak for other readers, but if there’s romance in a story, I prefer for it to be a slow burn as we get to know the characters.
Also, this is just my personal opinion, but I’m really not a fan of the ‘digs’ at Episode tropes… especially since you were kind of playing into them. Tropes are not bad, and I think you mostly used them well in the episodes I read.
I like that your plot isn’t overly complicated and the themes are clearly laid out. I’m not huge on romance, but I don’t think it’s bad at all. With slightly slower pacing, I think this will make a very cute love story.
A little sparse, which is a shame – episode is an interactive storytelling app!
I think, especially since your story centres a romantic relationship, it would benefit you to use a points system. For example, if you have a certain number of points with Ryder, you get bonus scenes.
Of the choices that did appear, none had any real consequences (that I know of), and in one case, they were used for exposition dumps. I recognise that the MC and Ryder are meant to end up together, but it would be nice to get choices to shape the MC’s personality, what kind of relationship she has with Ryder and her friends, etc.
The MC: She’s intelligent, empathetic and compassionate, worrying about animals. Though she’s also shown to have a sense of humour when she’s flirting with Ryder and on a date with him. I understand that she and Ryder complement each other – as both arerecovering from toxic (in Ryder’s case, non-romantic) relationships. It’ll be interesting to see how they help each other and where their relationships go. So far, as the main character, she doesn’t have a huge amount of personality, but I did only read 3 episodes. I hope we’ll see more of her personality in later episodes. I’m also interested in finding out more about her parents.
Ryder: I have mixed feelings on him. Whilst I recognise that his dad is a horrible, abusive man, I can’t help but notice that Ryder, a grown man, kind of acts like a teenager, being rude to customers, being weirdly snobby about music (lol) and refusing to do his job properly. (I understand that he hates his job and his dad – for good reason – but if anything bad happened to his dad’s business, it would affect him too!) I found his behaviour a little annoying at times, even if I understood why he was acting that way. His attraction to the MC seemed a little contrived, but I like that he seems to be maturing a little. I presume his character arc is going to be going from being standoffish and aloof to being nice and more mature – but I hope that at least some of this happens independent of his relationship with the MC.
Acadia: Not much to say about her. She’s the main character’s LGBT best friend, who is constantly supportive of her and occasionally butts heads with Ryder. He finds her intimidating. She seems pretty confident and comfortable in her own skin. I’m curious to learn more about her, e.g. how she met her current girlfriend, who her ex is, and how long she and her current girlfriend have been together.
All the main characters are white by default, though one of them is LGBT. Nonetheless, I still wouldn’t call this story diverse, though – and I’ll explain why:
Although Acadia is unambiguously queer and is depicted with a girlfriend, so far, all their conversations quickly turn to talking about the MC and her (heterosexual) love interest. There isn’t really much focus on their queerness, beyond the emphatic repetition of ‘girlfriend.’
I understand that they’re not the main characters, but there’s not exactly a lot going on in the story, so I don’t think a little more focus on their backstories would be a problem. Character development is good for helping you get attached to characters.
What I do when writing conversations between minority characters is ask myself if their dialogue centres non-minority characters. I also usually ask myself questions about their backgrounds in relation to each other to give them a story beyond the main character(s) – e.g. how did they meet? Why are they in this type of relationship? What do they want from each other? What do they do when the main character(s) aren’t around? And so on.
These will help you more strongly flesh out your side characters, so I strongly recommend you consider them when you next write.
I hope you found this review helpful. 
Keep writing – your story has lots of promise!
No problem, I understand how hard it can be to judge your own writing quality! I just want to help authors like myself.
I really like mystery stories, but personally, the way you introduced the mysteries wasn’t really my cup of tea. It’s a great concept though, so I wish you luck with writing it!
