First Episode Reviews!

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21

Falling Hitman:

The front cover is pretty good, looks to reflect the caption. The caption doesn’t seem super cliche which is super nice! One of my pet peeves: when people say “the chapters will get longer”. If you look on the thread “things that make you want to stop reading a story” (or something along those lines) you’ll see that saying “the chapters will get longer” is one of the top things that drives people away.

Beginning is really good, the opening scene of MC shooting someone? Shock value. When the group is talking, some of the group members seem static. They aren’t doing anything and it looks unnatural. It’s nice that you have put in the effort to make a custom background. One thing that caught me off guard, when Raylene is killing, she’s smiling? I understand that it’s an assassination business but smiling while shooting someone seems a bit sadistic. Reminds me of the story Annabelle. Maybe it’s just her personality, it gives off the vide that she’s a total badass which makes sense. When Beck starts to hit on Raylene, it makes me mad, because I hate that trope. The jerk who can’t stop hitting on Raylene? She should have punched him or something like that. I feel bad for Beck in a way, he was abused (which I think you should provide a TW for at the beginning of the episode), but I feel like his backstory is really abrupt and unneeded at this point? Maybe mention his history later in the episode and then provide the flashback with his story. At least for the first part of the episode he should be a character that we love to hate until we see his tragic backstory and understand. And how did 16 year old Beck just randomly find a gun? Some missing information there. So Raylene gets home and apparently she has a boyfriend? Does he know about her business? Okay he does, does that mean he is as messed up as her? Hopefully you’ll further elaborate on this in future episodes.
Overall, I think that you could do a lot of things with this story. I think it’s supposed to be a romance, but in the first episode not a lot of that is shown. I really think that in order to get a reader to read the next few episodes of your story, you need to end the first episode with some sort of cliffhanger. A lot of unanswered questions. And I think that it should have been longer as well. Don’t rush releasing chapters, I’m sure if you combined the first and second episode into one, you would be able to meet this mystery guy you have to kill (and apparently fall for) and I think it would be better for your reader retention. Would I keep reading? If the episode was longer and it had more to compel me to read the next episode, I would. But right now, no.

Good luck on writing in the future, this story could turn out really well if you put the work into it (which I can see you have). :blush:

22

I like that the front cover and name reflects on the genre of comedy. It’s hard to make funny episode stories so I hope that you have succeeded!

The episode name is relatable, transitions are great, I can see how it’s beginning to be funny. I can see how the story already has a theme of failure, and I really love that. I also like your use of text effects.
Is a character’s name really DNND? I don’t know what to do with that. Okay, Jimmy is overconfident and cocky. A used trope but not super overused. The framing seems really weird, and on a tablet the faces/heads would be offscreen. When previewing on your computer, use the devices guide. I also don’t see the point of the whole argument with Jimmy and DNND. And why is Sakura so big compared to the others? Is Ora MC’s younger sister? Is she a random kid on the playground who wants to go home? Explanations needed. Maybe, “This is my younger sister Ora.” something as simple as that would suffice. Does MC really sleep at 8:30? That seems really early. When DNND shows up, why is MC suddenly on a phone call that she hangs up? DNND leaves by flying and MC isn’t surprised by this at all? Is this a superhero world with powers? The reader needs more information. The episode is also far too short, and I haven’t even mentioned the lack of choices. On the episode website they reccomend to include a choice in the first 12 taps. There were none in this episode besides customization. That scares a reader away. People play episode so they can have a choice, and there weren’t any.

Overall, it’s a very interesting idea. But the episode was just MC going to school and coming home… and nothing else except for DNND giving her a proposition. Maybe add something at the end of the episode for shock value. Anything to keep the reader coming back. I wouldn’t read the next episode because there were no choices in this one and it just felt like an exposition, which a first episode shouldn’t be.

I wish you good luck in future writing! :smile:

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23

Thank you so much for the feedback! This gave me an excellent idea for the first episode’s ending. And I’ll try to clarify all of the information needed in my first episode, as for the choices, I’ll think I’ll try to add one choice at least in each chapter that actually matter (maybe even use timed choices). Though this might take a long while, at least I’m improving my story! Thank you so much again!

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24

Interesting description. I can see how this would interest a reader, it gives the reader a sort of preview (which a description should give); “get back on your feet” OR (which lets the reader know there is a choice) “live in sorrow”. The covers look normal.

Okay the first thing I noticed: speech bubbles don’t have periods. I think that it’s super important, read any Episode made story and they ALWAYS have periods. Without them, it looks messy, almost unfinished or lazily written. Some spelling/grammar errors. Why does MC stay in this toxic relationship with her boyfriend? It really seems like she lacks a backbone. If this part of her persona further contributes to her character in the future, that’s good writing, but if it doesn’t, it just makes the reader not like MC.
Why does it skip to Josie being on a “date” with Jack? I’m lost. Is Josie in some sort of secret relationship with the guy from before? It really seems like we should get some background, or some sort of information, on the characters. It helps the reader connect to the people in the story, and right now it’s just a bunch of characters exchanging meaningless dialogue. Why is Josie still so nice to Jack? Are they in high school or college? Is Josie cheating on Jack with the guy from before? There’s a lot missing, and it’s good to leave holes to fill in later episodes, but not so many that it just doesn’t make sense. Also, try to add some background characters to scenes that have more people in it than just the main characters, like the cafe and school. Otherwise, it makes the story feel empty.
Okay, Josie is being forced to marry Jack. Things are starting to make sense now, but Josie should have clarified this at the beginning of the episode. For shock value. Josie is pregnant?! That’s a very overused plot line, hopefully you don’t make it too cliche. But how did Josie not know she was pregnant? It seems very unlikely that she just thought everything was fine, and wasn’t even put through an ultrasound, and the doctor still knows she’s pregnant. The babies are Martins, that’s a good twist. But I feel that the reader should have been given the choice to stay with Martin or not. Later on, you could twist it somehow that either decision they make ends up the same, but there is a major lack of choices. Episode recommends to have one choice before 12 taps into the episode. It makes sure that the reader doesn’t get bored. Maybe even a choice to name the twin girls. I’m so confused, why is one of the babies named James. Isn’t it twin girls? Okay, I now understand that the twin girls were given to Martin and Josie had more kids. That needed to be clarified more.
I don’t know whether I’m supposed to like or dislike Jack. On one side, he’s a good father, on the other side, he’s a complete jackass. It’s out of his character to have such conflicting sides. Okay it’s become a bit clearer to me that the story will be about Sydney, but you should have said something like this at the beginning. Like, “this is the story of my parents” or something along those lines. Finally, a choice! Not good though, just a dressing game. People don’t talk like this… “be careful children”,“gotta blast”. Now we’re bringing gangs into this? It feels out of place. Some choppy animations, be careful not to make characters do things while walking. How old is Sydney, and why is she sooo much shorter than her friend? That was actually a REALLY well written and touching scene with Hope and Sydney in the bathroom. Again, add background characters in the movie seats. Cliche mean girl, and at the beginning of the scene, there is a background character, but he’s static. Just doing nothing. Just standing there. He’s on a phone call now which is better. Okay, Sydney has a badass side to her. Is she…flirting with the teacher? Damn, there really are a ton of cliches in this story. Don’t get me wrong, cliches up to a point can be good, but sometimes they are just too overused. Use the & symbol instead of @ when getting characters to be there at the start of the scene, so they are already there instead of just appearing. Dude with gun shows up, I’m assuming from the gang that was vaguely mentioned earlier. Why did you need to show that Jack was thinking “I hope nothing bad happens.” Isn’t that fairly obvious?

Overall, I didn’t enjoy the story. It fulfilled length requirements, and ended on a nice cliffhanger, but there were absolutely no choices other than a dressing game, and the plot seems like a string with tons of cliches on it loosely tied together. The story is confusing and unclear.

Good luck on future endeavors! :slight_smile:

25

Are these stories that you have written yourself? My goal is to give writers constructive criticism and a goal for them to reach, while providing an objective point of view on their first episode.

26

Yeah, thanks though!

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27

just fixed everything!

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28

Hi, are your review requests still open?

29

Title: Sentimental Heartache
Genre: Romance
Author: Jessy
Description: After Arianna “coincidentally” meets Lucas, they start talking to each other more frequently. Soon enough, they realize that the more they talk, the more they fall.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6084450064138240
Style: Ink
Chapters: 14
Cover:
SOGOOD

30

Cover seems a bit generic, same with the description. I hope that this will be better than a generic love story.
The splash at the beginning telling you that the story uses sound is very low quality, but nice.

Use the stand up animation when Arianna gets back up. Also, it’s a bit weird that she is just standing in the middle of the hallway and talking to herself? Are there no other students in the hallway? The friendly banter between Arianna and the other guy is kind of cute, very cliche. Are there seriously no other students in the hallways at school? We need background characters! Good use of bg music/sound. It’s a bit easy to predict in the sense that Arianna hates this dude and will inevitably like him in the future. Okay the super sudden music change coupled with the super abrupt “but every fibre in my body wanted me to stay” is sooo unrealistic. Arianna has literally JUST met this guy and obviously hates him? What caused her sudden change of pace? Why did this literally come out of nowhere? The entire time she has talked to him she has called him an asshole and she evidently hates him. The story doesn’t flow, and I’m barely in. Also, there is a very noticeable lack of other characters, or an explanation of Arianna’s life in general. Literally anything would be better than her just standing there, maybe her talking to a friend or a teacher before he runs into her. Also, Lucas is the living stereotype of the dark-haired badboy with tattoos. It’s been overdone. SO one second Arianna is spewing insults at him and then straight after she checks him out, they’re both suddenly flirtatious? It just seems… unnatural. When Jazz enters the scene outside the house, use the & command instead of @ so she can be there when the scene starts instead of just popping up. I’m a bit mad, is Arianna really that terrible at money management skills? And I don’t know whether she is in high school or college, if she is in high school, doesn’t she live with her parents? I hope this will be explained later. And is Jace one of her parents? Why is she so reckless with her spending when she knows she’s behind on rent? Okay, she’s walking to her house to move her stuff out. By the way, is Jace her roommate or friend? I’m thoroughly confused. And if she’s in college, how does she afford college when she can’t afford rent? And shouldn’t she be in a dorm? And why is Lucas just randomly walking outside his house? And how does she run into him if he’s her neighbor, she should be going to her house, right? Also, the whole shock value at the end with “he was really my neighbor the entire time?!” was really out of place. The whole thing about cliffhangers is that they have to be about something the reader cares about. This guy is her neighbor? Why is this so shocking? You have to give the reader a reason to care. It didn’t have that effect on me. The episode was waaaaaaay too short. The splash at the end was really nice. I unlocked the bonus choice. I’m confused, why is Arianna suddenly so nice to Lucas, whom she was calling an asshole in the previous scene? And why is she suddenly acting like a little kid, she just got terrible news. There wasn’t even a scene of her being let into his house. Did he just let her in? Real people in this situation just don’t act like this. The story just doesn’t flow well. When Arianna leaves the scene she is running the wrong way. At the end, instead of saying “Are you done?” you could say something like, “Would you like to view the credits?”.

Would I continue? No. It seems like not enough effort was put in. No background charecters, super short, doesn’t flow well, unrealistic, and just choppy in general.

Sorry for being so critical, but these are just my thoughts. Good luck!

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31

I’d just like the reiterate my point that the reader doesn’t care enough about the cliffhanger for it to have it’s full effect. We don’t know anything about Arianna. We don’t know anything about Lucas. This lack of information makes it so it’s hard to be shocked when it’s revealed that he’s her neighbor.

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32

Title: Marionette
Teaser: Life as a teenager is fun right: partying and making the most of childhood? Well not for Isabelle. She didn’t get the teenage future she was hoping for.
Style: LL
Chapters: 5 so far
Link:


Cover:
Marionette%20Cover

33

Title is hopefully something explained later on, description is really great.

Nice splash, kind of blurry, I think you should have had customization in the first episode like normal.
I can see that you’re experienced with overlays, I’m excited to see how you use them in the future. Try speech bubble placement, in some scenes the bubbles are over peoples faces. Nice montage of what the girls have done at the beginning, it’s funny. Are the girls allowed to talk in detention? It’s a nice sentiment that they both have to be in detention together. Can the teacher hear them? Are they whispering? Seems weird. Is there seriously no teacher around? Why was she literally able to get up and kiss a random old guy? I chose truth, and when the scene was returning from the flashback to the chairs, there was a weird glitch/directing error. Check your script. The teacher FINALLY said something. Damn, was he asleep all this time? The guy saying that the outfits are good dress makes the reader think “fancy”. I think you should have him say “It’s a halloween party and you won’t be let in without a costume.” instead. Also, why did this random dude come up to them and talk to them? It’s unnatural, that doesn’t happen. Also, lack of bg characters. It’s a school. And why is Isabelle changing in plain sight? At least take her to a dressing room or something or that sort. I also appreciate your background with the halloween costumes on the mannequins! Also, when making characters idle (so their lips stop moving after a loop talk action), use the & command so it doesn’t create this weird space and they can stop talking while the other person talks. Do they just walk out of the store with their costumes? No need to change back or pay? Why is Dad proud? What did they do to make him proud? You should make the bg characters do their thing WHILE main characters are talking. The & command is your best friend. Also, you should pan to other zones to show how many people are at the party. Use layers in the last scene so it doesn’t look funny. But the episode was too short. A first episode should be 10-15 minutes.

This story is actually pretty well done, with terms to the directing and editing. I may continue it, when I finish the other stories I am reading right now. Good luck! :wink:

1 Like
34

Thanks so much for all this feedback, highly appreciated and I’ll be sure to sure it to edit my story :blush:
Do you have any ideas on what to add to make the episode longer

35

I read your reviews, and find them interesting and potentially helpful.
My story details:
Title: Pine Hollow: Hex of the Three
Author: Elzbiet Zaleski
Link
image

36

Well, I can’t tell you that, it isn’t my story it’s yours. Just go with the flow and think outside the box!

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37

Feel free to check out my story.

My story: Thriller: © Tribe of Malapinchi
Author: Jannah Jackson
Genre: Thriller/Mystery/Horror/Fantasy/Adventure
Story style: Secret Surprise :wink:
Description: Toss into a land of the sun, magic, lies and dark secrets in Asia. Can you make sense of the havoc you were tossed into and save everyone before it’s too late? CharacterCustomization
Episodes: 5/6
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5909308359180288

Cover still in Review: (One of my new covers… still havent decide haha)

JANNAHJACKSON%20SMALL
JANNAHJACKSON SMALL.png420×580 332 KB

My episodes are rather LONGGGG… 20 mins about there just to give a heads up.

38

This story is still unpublished

Name: The Murder of Elizabeth Thomas
Author: maya8447
Genre: Thriller
Episodes: 1 (2 is WIP)
Desc: A 16 yr old named Elizabeth Thomas has been murdered. Can you solve her case before you’re the one laying on a cold metal table?
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6271504505962496

Cover: WIP

39

Since the episode is rather long, I’m going to read it first, then write the review.

Grammar/spelling is a bit off.

I actually really liked this story! I wish more people knew about it, try self promoting in the forums. I liked the infusion of culture and different languages, and it was creepily amazing. But when the two women were having a conversation in a flashback, why did they talk in multiple languages? Makes more sense to stick to one. And aaallll of the information/exposition that was thrown at us in the beginning was a bit too much to really understand and comprehend.

Okay, how in the world did you get more than one style in one story?! That surprised me. And how did you get spotlight too?
This story is all around impressive, intriguing, and impressive, and I can see how much hard work it took to create.
Good luck!

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40

A classic murder mystery story. I’m excited!!

Description is great.

Directing, overlay use, scary-ness, all were great. The episode is pretty good, but it’s just so short! I think if the first episode was longer than this would literally be perfect.

Good luck!

1 Like