Foxx's Feedback -- Story Reviews!


#1

Hello writers!
I would like to open the floor to (another) reviewing forum. I enjoy reading most of your stories and will gladly give detailed, constructive feedback with suggestions for improvement where applicable. I will try to be as unbiased as I can (given that we all have certain genres that we like more and others we like less), and will typically read between one to three chapters (unless I’m very invested!). :blush: The reviews will follow the format below:

Plot: In this section, I’ll give you my thoughts on the overall plot or what I could discover of it given what I’ve read.

Directing: Here, I will given an overall review of your directing, as well as pointing out any outstanding errors and where I found them (along with any insight on how to fix them, if possible).

Grammar: I will critique overall spelling, diction, syntax, and natural flow of conversation.

Characters: This is where I assess characters and their development, as well as their relationships with one another.

Progression: This only applies to stories where I’ve read a bit more (usually less so with one-episode reads), but I will give you my impression of where the story is going and at what pace.

Final Thoughts: A final, overall summary of what I thought of your story. :kissing_closed_eyes:

I try to be kind–albeit very honest–in my reviews for the purpose of helping you to progress as a writer. If you’re not actually looking for criticism or suggestions, please don’t request a review. I am also open to dialogue about the reviews–I like to hear what you have to say about it! You may be able to elaborate something that I missed before, which tends to make your story more interesting for me.

To request a review, please use the following format:

Guidelines
  • TITLE
  • AUTHOR
  • GENRE
  • CHAPTERS PUBLISHED
  • DETAILED SUMMARY
  • COVER
  • LINK

Thanks! I’ll try to get your review posted as soon as possible (if you would like for it to be private, please let me know). Also, feel welcome to respond to your reviews! I love hearing what you have to say about your story.

Waitlist

Currently under review:
@misfits-n-tantrums
@B.Carlton
@Marshmallow_O
@gisellec
@S_Unique

Also, check out my first story:


#2

Sounds great :blush:


#3

#4

#5

Hi I’d love a review (especially a very honest one).

Title Love’s a Game
Author B.Carlton
Genre Romance/ drama
Chapters published 8
Summary After a devestating breakup you join America’s biggest dating show. How will you survive your newfound fame? (LGBT options, CC, Choices matter).
Cover
130ff43913cd7af987cc8698cdbfd43b187ed483_2_362x500
Link http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5558849986494464


#6

This is so nice of you! I would love a review!

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Chapters: 3 (More to come)
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6250660385652736
Shortened Link: https://bit.ly/2FHhOMS

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#7

Story: Blades of Desire

Author: Giselle C.

Genre: Mystery/Horror/Drama/Romance

Description: He loves you, he wants you, & he must have you. He will stop at nothing to make sure you’re his, even if it means killing anyone who comes in his way. But, do you love him?

Features: Advanced directing, non-cliche plot line, choices matter, FULL character customization, unique and big closet, POC and LGBTQ characters, LGBTQ option, mini games.

Episodes: 4

Covers:

Blades_of_Desire_posterThumb_J1kh4mLA0x

Blades_of_Desire_posterImage_heaCSCtYK6

Link:


#8

Okay, @MKiara, LOVED IT. Here we go:

Plot : I would say your first few chapters focus more so on building the setting than developing the plot–which is perfectly okay! As far as hooking in readers, this could work against you–but for those of us who are patient and know that it often takes time to build a well-rounded world in which to tell our story, this is actually fantastic. Right away, we know that there are four main characters and that the school that they attend is obviously important as the center-role in their lives–and then everything is shaken up when a prestigious boys’ school is mixed into their campus. This is a great set-up for a story, and so it’s interesting in and of itself. However, within the first four chapters, we can’t see what the ultimate goal of the story will be–and again, that’s okay . I would classify this as a slice-of-life–which I know is a genre a lot of readers are bored by, but it is personally my favorite. Rather than having this end-goal for the plot, we’re looking in at what these four girls lives are like and what’s happening in a window of time. You even warn us at the end that things are going to start rapidly picking up. I would say that there isn’t much to change here–unless, of course, you do have some ultimate plot point that you will be working towards that you want to be clarified earlier on. On a specific note, there is a point in the first episode where the girls are at an assembly and Sooyoung seems shocked by what Samantha told her–I wasn’t completely sure if I missed something here. Do we know what Samantha told her? Was it implied and I missed it? Was it about Mr. Akihiko? You may want to clarify on that a bit more without necessarily giving it away (unless you want it to be a complete mystery and that was the point). If we are supposed to know what happened, maybe hint at it when Kiara arrives, and if we aren’t , maybe hint that we’ll find out later so the reader understands that they aren’t supposed to know yet. Otherwise, great job. :heart_eyes:

Directing : Well done! I feel that the transitions in dialogue are very clear and natural, and it’s easy to follow along with what the girls (and other characters) are doing. I have no suggestions here, I think you’ve done very well. :blush:

Grammar : Alright, a few quick specific notes: in chapter one, there is a point where a character says ‘Just your average 16 years old’, there is an unnecessary S. In episode two, when Samantha is explaining that ‘for 1, we have the whole place to ourselves, 2… blah blah’, I think it may be more aesthetically pleasing to spell out the numbers. And then in episode three, one of the boys says ‘yeah your, full name little girl’, there is a comma there that shouldn’t be. Okay . General notes. Your spelling and grammar are both on point, for the most part. I would say, though, if you would like to go for a more well-polished story, my greatest suggestion would be to correct the punctuation–adding periods, commas, exclamation points, proper capitalization, and so on. Although it’s very clear what’s going on and what the characters are saying in dialogue, I think that many times when readers are checking out a story and the punctuation is so informal, we sometimes dismiss the story itself. You have a great premise, wonderful characters, and everything else and the story is a great read all on its own–I think proper punctuation would just take it that much further. In either case, like I said–it’s a great read. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Characters : I think this may be the greatest strength of your story. As I told you before, I really appreciate the cultural awareness that your story brings, and I love that each character has a very distinct personality. I’ve seen other reviewers’ criticisms of the stereotypes presented in your characters, but I think that is completely unfair. Firstly, although the characters do show some stereotypical qualities, they shouldn’t be reduced down to these stereotypes alone–many of the qualities come from the actual cultural aspect being displayed. Like, yes–Willow has attitude. But that goes beyond the stereotype and is more so just a trait of her character–she’s also portrayed to be very intelligent, wise, and focused; traits often dismissed in black stereotypes. Yes, Sooyoung is written as innocent and studious–but I have a feeling we’re going to see a very different side of her very soon (although I could be wrong). I don’t think your characters should be boiled down to stereotypes–I think instead, they seem to be written to show these stereotypical qualities that are not necessary the underlying summary of their character. I look forward to seeing what you do with that. :purple_heart: Also, on a side note–I think it may be worthwhile to make it the case that Sooyoung’s mom is the more difficult one to convince rather than her dad. I say this because there is a very powerful stereotype in Asian culture of the ‘Tiger Mom’, and I think if you’re making a commentary on stereotypes in general, this could be an important one to hit on. It could be a great opportunity to shed light on the mentality behind the Tiger Mom portrayal and the cultural causes that led to it–although this could be a lot to take on as a side story, lol. I love cultural studies, so if you ever want to talk about the nuanced things like that in your story, I’d be glad to. Overall, though, I think you’ve done a really great job with your characters, and I just wanted to clarify from what I’ve seen of other reviews–I see that you’ve made them much more than a stereotype and I appreciate that. :purple_heart:

Progression : Like I said, I see this story as a slice-of-life, and so progression towards an ultimate plot point isn’t immediately available–though it seems that the last episode really hinted towards some changes happening. From the four episodes published, the progression is slow (a good thing), as instead it is focused more on character development and world building. Nicely done. :slight_smile:

Final Thoughts : I’ve already fan-girled enough, and your story has been added to my favorites–I’m excited to see what comes of it. I hope that I provided you with at least some useful feedback and I look forward to what’s to come of Willow, Kiara, Sooyoung, and Samantha. :kissing_closed_eyes:


#9

Hey, thank you for creating this thread, I would love a review.:slight_smile:

  • TITLE: The Four Horsemen
  • AUTHOR: S_Unique
  • GENRE: Fantasy
  • CHAPTERS PUBLISHED: 11 (ongoing)
  • DETAILED SUMMARY: 4 Sins. 4 Angels fell. 4 Horsemen rose. A curse was casted. And the battle of good vs evil is about to begin. CC/ Choices matter
  • COVER
    image
  • LINK: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5482099054608384

#10

And @jannahjackson, super interesting!!

Plot : Wow, what a well-developed world! I’ve only made it through the first three chapters, but I am thoroughly impressed by the amount of time you must have dedicated to ensure that you ironed out all of the smallest details about this fantastical world. The plot seems cloudy in the first episode–a group of (college age?) people land themselves in Southeast Asia for a project, and a few of them mysteriously disappear–in the search for them, the MC ends up in this mystical mixed-Asian land. By episode three, though, everything begins coming together; the friends were abducted and are somewhere lost in Malapinchi, Drisana is your powerful, friendly guide, the elders are shady and you have some sort of tie to this place that you yourself don’t even understand. Wonderful! You do a great job at snagging in readers with the right amount of mystery in the beginning while teasing more information through the next few episodes. Given that by episode three we don’t know much about Malapinchi and the relationship to the flashbacks of WWII, that can seem a little confusing, but I think any patient reader knows that the connections will be made soon enough. I think your rate of plot development is very natural and I have no suggestions for you here–only praise. :blush:

Directing : Awesome directing! I love the combination of ink, limelight, the original old-school episode style, and even some spot-light! Your transactions between characters are very natural, entrances and exits are coordinated, everything looks good! My only note would be the first interaction with the triplets–they all have the same movements at the same time. At first, this may seem off-putting from a directing standpoint, but I think it actually just compounds the characterization that they are all very similar and in sync–I’m sure this was even intentional! I think it does very well in serving the purpose of portraying them as a unit, but if you’re looking to have more natural interactions, you may want to switch up what some of them are doing. But again–it seems very clear that you’ve purposefully made them replicates of one another for the sake of solidarity amongst them. This, in and of itself, is still a good choice as far as characterization goes–my note is only for the purpose of making a more realistic interaction, which may not be what you want here–in fact, it may even detract from what you’ve already built. Just something to consider. :slightly_smiling_face: Either way, great job!!

Grammar : You already have a really excellent story–I think the only true suggestion I could make to improve the appearance of your story is to iron out some of the grammar and punctuation. For the most part, your spelling and syntax are great (I’ve listed some isolated errors below that you may want to correct–I make these kind of mistakes all the time!), but there are some areas where it’s a little unclear or where the punctuation is off. I was also a little confused by the sections of dialogue that appear randomly underlined or italicized–do those phrases have a specific importance? I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be picking up on something and just completely missing it! If not, it may be worthwhile to limit the underlining and italics to special words and phrases so that the reader knows those are important or should be emphasized differently. Does this derail your story? Not in the least! Again, your story is excellent as is–I think this would just give it a more polished, professional quality. You’ve done such a great job with it in its entirety that I think this is just that added ‘wow’ factor! Even without changing any of the writing, you’ve still managed to tell a great, informational, and entertaining story. :blush:

Specific Notes

Just as a preface, I’d like to say that I normally don’t make a list of specific corrections, but you had SO FEW errors that I knew I’d only need to list a few per chapter. Please don’t think of this as a negative criticism–instead, I would like to applaud you for having such stellar grammar and diction that I could only point out a few areas that were gray! :heart_eyes:
Episode One:
‘Gosh, grow up MC, you’re 21 for crying out loud!’ – Stylistically, it is common to spell out numbers.
‘Spoken like a true leader.Why can’t I be like that?’ — There is no space between Why and period.
‘I rather sleep or go off with the boys.’ — I should be I’d
‘Ugh never mind. I just recap in my head what are our objectives for the project.’ — I should be Ill
‘You know I’m such a blur person.’ — A few readers (myself included) may not know what a blur is! You may want to expound upon this a little more with context.
‘Did the door just locked by itself?’ — Locked should be lock
In the scene with the gunshots in 1939, there is no gun prop in the hands.

Episode Two:
‘It’s our land which the Malapinchian tribe lives’ – This reads a little strange. Maybe try ‘It’s our land in which the Malapinchian tribe lives.’
‘We rear animals like cows, lamas, and more’! — Lamas should have two Ls, llamas.
‘I’m so overwhelm right now.’ — Overwhelm should be overwhelmed.
‘Nowadays, it’s even rarer almost nonexistent.’ — You may want a comma between rarer and almost.
‘Hey we love the sun’ — This sentence is very blunt! It doesn’t feel very natural in their conversation.
‘What just happen?’ — Happen should be happened

Episode Three:
‘Drisana, you mention I’m the first Outsider to set foot here after a long time’ — Mentioned
‘What more to guests in my home’ — This one also reads a little strange. I think I get what she’s saying–what else would you expect me to offer guests of my home?–but it doesn’t feel immediately natural right away.
‘Your memories have return and you want answers.’ — Returned
‘Recently I’ve been having visions… and I to help that person’— And I to help that person… should that be and I am to help that person?
‘They never share about heir past.’ — Just a typo–missing the ‘t’ in their.
‘As you wish malady’ — I think you might want m’lady, not malady–that’s a sickness!
‘I’ve never been more shock in my life til I forgot to breathe!’ - This one also reads a little strange.

Characters : Wowee! Your wide range of characters–and their specific backstories–truly amazes me. You’ve done a fantastic job. You’ve introduced so many different ideals, cultural aspects, and personalities that all I can do is say how impressed I am! I absolutely love Drisana–she’s been so friendly and caring ever since MC has arrived in Malapinchi. I’m excited to get a more well-rounded view of the other characters. I’m especially interested in Jindara–we are teased at the beginning by her thoughts, but it hasn’t been touched on again by episode three and so it’s easy to forget about her–I look forward to seeing what she has to bring to the story.

Progression : Like I said, plot progression is going really well! You make new strides in each chapter towards the goal of getting to MCs friends, as well as shedding a little more light on this mysterious place that is Malapinchi. My ONLY suggestion–and this is a very light suggestion–is to perhaps add recaps for your story. Some stories can do without, I think–primarily because as you keep reading, you figure out what you forgot from the last episode. But your story is one of those, in particular, where taking a break from reading can be detrimental because since there is such plot progression with each episode, it becomes easy to forget what happened and it isn’t always clear from the dialogue. Rather than change your dialogue, I think it may be easier to just add a little recap option in the beginning to refresh the important details that were missed since there is so much mystery going on–you want to make sure that readers can easily follow between episodes! :blush: I should probably follow my own advice on this one… :thinking: lol.

Final Thoughts : Firstly, I’d like to thank you for all of the information that you’ve given me in the story. This story is equally as educational as it is entertaining–and I appreciate the expose on so many Asian cultures (I personally felt my heart warm even at the mention of Hmongs–my best friend is Hmong and very active in the Hmong community and I know that that ethnic group has very little exposure in media, most people have never even heard of them or their cultures and subcultures). I feel that I know a lot about Asian ethnic groups and nationalities and you’ve even taught me stuff. I love that you’ve introduced so much of linguistics and cultural studies into this story–you have done an excellent job at that. I would say, though, for many readers that are less captivated by ethnic studies, you may want to limit some of what is presented in the actual storyline itself (I worry that some readers may find that it detracts from the story) and give even greater detailed explanations in the credits section (LOVE THE CREDITS BTW, great idea). I, personally, like it as it is–I think I’m just making a statement about what may appeal to the general public (though, don’t take ALL of it out, obviously–force people to learn! lol). In either case–great job, @jannahjackson. :kissing_heart:


#11

WOWWWW THANK YOU VERY MUCH @foxxiiii13 !!! REALLY APPRECIATE IT :smiley:
:kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::kissing_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart:

Sure of course I’ll take note of the Specific Notes portions and make the necessary adjustments :smiley:
Oh yes the triplets I purposely made it that way hahahaaha! I’ll mix it up abit with natural and the synchronise actions heheeh cause feedbacks before said it. So at least there is some natural actions…the synchronise is to show that althugh different races we are still united and can work synchronise in harmony (ok its so hidden meaning haahah).

I see what I can do to make the first episode better heheeh… agreed…imma abit fuzzyyy on how to improve chapter 1 since I’m finishing my last chapter hahaah. But yes i will make it uncloudy by the time I finish my last chapter :smiley:

Oh yesss the recap section I forgot all about it…I only remembered for the last chapter hahaah. The underlines are the most important ones and will appear in the recap portion of the stories once I update… the bold and italics are there to emphasise :smiley: I shall add this to the disclaimers section hehe thank you Foxxi!!! :smiley:

Hehehehe anytime!!! My intention is to not write cliches, to prove original unique ideas can still be crafted ground up despite in the age where cliches are so common, to portray some intelligence and morals in Episode, to portray what love is via the example of the blind man and the deaf woman (instead of gangs drugs mafia alcohol, one or even two night stands, vampires, werewolves, stepbrother, pregnanat by, psychos, rape, ‘daddies’, teachers, professors etc… once its ok but too much can lead to misrepresentation and misconception esp in the malleable minds of young teenage girls reading episode) and to portray Asians here on Episode since…well I don’t often see it in stories…both community and featured. So as Michael Jordan said “Some want it to happen. Some wish for it to happen. Others make it happen:D”


#12

Well, I think you’ve done a wonderful job. :slight_smile: I appreciate all the work you’ve put into your story and I hope many others get the opportunity to read and learn from it. :purple_heart:


#13

Thank you!!! It’s very fun pushing and experimenting Episodes limits and adding every style and format into one story :D. It can be done :smiley: Do try in your stories too! It works wonders. I helped “Sorry Wrong Number” in terms of text effects and how to improve and I’m really surprise at the outcome… (if you see my disclaimers it’s something similar to that…) It’s the set format background text.


#14

Thank you! I’ll have to check that out. I want to look into the advanced directing stuff–didn’t even realize the world of possibilities. :drooling_face:


#15

Hey, @Starbuckzz, here is your review!

Plot: From the few chapters that I read, I was quickly able to devise that the plot obviously revolved around Tessa, the main character, and her budding crush on Hardin–despite her being in a relationship. I think you do a great job at making that all very clear! I think if the main plot point is following the development of Tessa’s relationship with Hardin, then you’ve already set a clear, straightforward path for that–though if there is a larger plot at play, you may want to begin introducing that by the second or third episode! However, it feels very much like this story is centered around these two main characters and what exactly will happen between them–so I think you’re off to a good start. :slight_smile:

Side Note

In the first episode, when they are playing truth or dare–you may want to change Tessa’s dare suggestion! Drinking a whole bottle of vodka at once could kill someone, and I don’t think many people would suggest it seriously. Instead, maybe have her dare him to take two shots, back to back? Or to finish his drink? This may come off more natural! :relaxed:

Directing: I would say that overall, your directing is great! There are a few spots here and there where things don’t quite line up (and that’s to be expected–directing is hard!). For example, in episode two, whenever Tessa is hugging someone, the hugs don’t seem to be in quite the right spot–or when her boyfriend goes to give her a kiss in her room, he leans in to kiss her cheek but she doesn’t lean in to receive it. These things are very easy fixes, so I wouldn’t worry about them too much. :wink: Just worth going back and checking out if you’d like to have those finishing touches on your story. I would also suggest that when reading Tessa’s text messages, clarify that the second choice (when asked if you’re done reading) is to go back and read the other remaining messages. It could be taken as ‘are you done reading this particular message?’ and then the reader may say yes, thinking that it would take them back to the first choice to select the remaining messages (I definitely didn’t do that… :neutral_face:). But again, these aren’t jarring problems, just simple stuff to think about! :blush:

Grammar: English is hard–whether its your first language or not. :persevere: That being said, I think having good diction, syntax, and punctuation can make or break a story for many readers. Your storyline is interesting, and so it’s got character and charm on its own, but I think refining the grammatical errors in it could be a game-changer for you! There are times in the story where the dialogue doesn’t feel as natural or quite right when reading–and I think this is a problem that we all run into as writers. I know many writers employ grammarly or other spell / grammar checkers, but my personal suggestion is to take on a co-writer / editor / proofreader that has a good critical eye. It always helps to have your stories read by someone else, and it’s even more beneficial if that person has the patience to go over all of the linguistically gray areas. But even without it, your story is clear enough to know what’s going on and to understand what the characters are going through–I think this would just be a nice icing on the cake. :yum:

Characters: Okay, this is where the majority of my notes come in (tied in with progression)! So, firstly–your characters work perfectly fine as they are! However, I would consider adding in the option of customization if reader turn-out is something you’re interested in; I know many people who simply won’t even bother to read a story if there isn’t a choice for them to customize. If you’re interested in this and don’t know how, PM me and I’ll see if I can help you out. :slight_smile: Here are my more specific notes:

Hardin

This note could be wildly off-base depending on what your plan for Hardin is and how you want your readers to perceive him, but I would be very cautious about how he is portrayed. From the story’s summary, we can assume that he is a bad boy, but you want to make sure that if your goal is to make him this sexy rule-breaker that is caring at heart, he stays in that category and isn’t seen as an abusive assaulter (unless, again, that is your goal). The way he speaks about Tessa is very objectifying (though it is true that this is often done to many women), and when he grabs her to dance with her without her permission, it can be a massive turn-off to some of your female readers that see that as an unwanted advancement, which is in fact assault. He then continues to pursue her despite her pleas to stop, and so this may color him a way that you didn’t necessarily intend. Again, if this IS your goal, then entirely disregard all of this! But if not, you may want to re-characterize his style of bad boy, or make it clear that Tessa is actually okay with his advancements. And if you are going for the more take-what-I-want-no-matter-what style of bad boy (again, this is something some people may be interested in), maybe give a trigger-warning given that some readers may have adverse feelings about it. :thinking: You may also want to spend a bit more time characterizing him through his dialogue and actions so that we have a more well-rounded view of who he is and why he does the things he does, and in that case people may be less quick to draw certain conclusions about him. Also–it may be worthwhile to give more explanation to his role at this company where he and Isac both work, and why he’s in charge!

Isac

Given that Isac is Tessa’s boyfriend, we readers definitely need to know more about him! From what is immediately available, we can tell that he’s somewhat sweet, though a workaholic–and that she doesn’t get to see him much. But if we had more to go off of, we could form fully-developed opinions about him and then have more of an emotional connection to either him or Hardin. Maybe spend some time crafting an intimate conversation between Isac and Tessa, or even have Tessa have a detailed conversation with Katherine about him? I think it would be really beneficial to give him more characterization given the role that he currently plays in Tessa’s life, and the inevitable void that will be left if he is taken out of it. :scream:

Progression: Your story takes OFF! :star_struck: From the first episode, we’re thrown right into a whirlwind of emotions and choices and actions and then we keep running. This is in no way a bad thing–in fact, I think it does a great job at getting you hooked in. However, given my notes on characterization above, I think you could slow down a little and add in a few scenes that allow us to get a better feel for the characters. For example, by the first episode, we may want to know more about Isac (even if we don’t see him yet), and be teased with Hardin’s attention while learning all of these things about him before he forces her to go to the lake with him. Or more information about Isac and Hardin’s relationship–what Isac thinks of Hardin being his boss, how he became the boss, etc. In fact, you could add some more information into your story without slowing down your storyline–that way, we build a real connection with the characters and have a more well-rounded world in which the story is taking place. :kissing_heart:

Final Thoughts: I think you’re off to a great start! I think my biggest suggestions to you would be about the grammar and the characterization, but otherwise, I think you’re doing really well. I especially love how I somehow feel like I can relate with Tessa despite the fact that I’m angry at her for lying to Isac? She feels very human to me and I think that is very well done–I can’t just hate her for lying because she’s very natural about her emotions going through that experience. So again, well done! I hope I provided you with some useful feedback. :slight_smile:


#16

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback again :sob::heart_eyes::sob::heart_eyes:
Your reviews are so detailed and specific!!
I cannot wait to use your suggestions and implement them in my story!!
I will def let you know when I updated my chapters!!!


#17

@QueenIvy – that was super cute and great! I honestly don’t have that much feedback to give because it was overall very well done! Here we go:

Plot: Your plot is so incredibly well defined. From the first episode, we get a clear taste of Jordan’s love for sports in general and her desire to prove herself on the football team. As you continue through the episodes, her movement towards her goal is steady, and her relationships develop along the way–well done! I will say that the first episode seemed to end a little abruptly, but you gave a great introduction to all of the major characters and left it on a good note by introducing her to the football players and leaving it with her declaring her preparedness to join the team–we know right away that this is a key goal for her. I appreciate that your story has such a direct plot point and stays centered around it (so far, at least). I honestly have no suggestions for you here. :slightly_smiling_face:

Side Notes:
  • Although Jordan’s taken advanced chem and bio courses in high school Biochem 405 would be really high. Anything above a third-level course is upper division and fourth-level courses are usually being taken by grad students–it would be very strange to see a freshman in that setting, even if they were advanced. Not only that, but she would undoubtedly have certain prerequisite classes required to even enroll in such a high-level course. That being said–I doubt many of your readers would read so far into it, lol. :blush: So definitely not something that you would need to change–if anything, it paints the picture that she’s incredibly advanced, so you may want to even keep it that way!
  • And when she’s narrating about her experience in college, she mentions ‘communal showers.’ You may want to switch this to ‘communal bathrooms’, given that communal showers invokes imagery of one large showering room in which everyone bathes together, and this is typically not the case in most universities, thank goodness. :sweat_smile:

Directing: Nicely done! Interactions between characters are clean, transitions are timed well, so on and so forth. :heart_eyes: The only noticeable error I saw was in episode two, when the girls are in a cafe and the two football players are talking–Sean walks right across a table, lol. I know that this is an inherent problem in the setup of Episode, given that you can’t layer the items in the background making it so that he can walk between the chairs and tables, but maybe instead of having him walk, you can just pan to them having a brief conversation–thus rerouting around the entire situation of him having to walk in the first place…? This obviously isn’t a huge issue in your story–completely worth being overlooked, actually, in my opinion–but maybe something you would like to come back to since your story is already so well-polished?

Grammar: Excellent! :hugs: Beautiful! :kissing_heart: Great diction, syntax, and grammar throughout. Conversation flows nicely, and the narration is descriptive without being overwhelming. The only noticeable error I found was in episode two–when she says ‘Many pushups, situps, and tear later’, you may want to correct to ‘tears’, with an S. But realistically, that’s it! So again, well done!

Characters: Firstly, loving the dads. Secondly, loving Raquel and Maven. Great diversity of personality amongst your characters already. By episode two, there starts to be a bit of a potential for romantic interest in James, though up to the point where I’ve read, nothing profound has occurred between the two of them. If there is a likelihood that the two will blossom into more, then I would suggest adding an option to customize James–just to draw and retain more readers. I think many people tend to fall off when they realize they can’t customize their romantic interest–if that is a key plot point in your story, after all.

Progression: Wonderful rate of progression. Within the first episode, you’ve introduced a major plot point and each subsequent episode, she is working towards that goal, making progress as she goes. Not only that, but you still manage to fit in characterization for each of the major characters as you move towards this progression. If I could suggest any changes, it wouldn’t to change your pace–but, at the cost of lengthening your episodes–to allow for even greater characterization of auxiliary characters, like Raquel and Maven–or even James. I think that the more interactions we see with them, the more invested we become in them as characters in the story. However, I would not change anything about your plot progression itself–you’re moving at a very natural, easy-to-follow pace. :slight_smile:

Final Thoughts: Overall, this is a wonderfully written story. You have purpose, you have structure, and you have style. And interestingly, you seem to be revolving around a plot point that doesn’t rely entirely on romance (which isn’t a bad thing, just not something I see often on episode). Congratulations on a story so well done, and I wish you luck in your endeavors–and Jordan as well! :purple_heart:


#18

Please do, I look forward to reading it again! And thank you for the kind words. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


#19

Thank you so much for your time and attention to detail! I truly appreciate your feedback and encouragement!


#20

Well, i made a few changes in the story. About Hardin met tessa 1 year ago. Took her virginity to make it easier to understand why Hardin want her so much. Like a Flashback. And that he havent been able to forget about her since then. And then they met again at that party