And @jannahjackson, super interesting!!
Plot : Wow, what a well-developed world! I’ve only made it through the first three chapters, but I am thoroughly impressed by the amount of time you must have dedicated to ensure that you ironed out all of the smallest details about this fantastical world. The plot seems cloudy in the first episode–a group of (college age?) people land themselves in Southeast Asia for a project, and a few of them mysteriously disappear–in the search for them, the MC ends up in this mystical mixed-Asian land. By episode three, though, everything begins coming together; the friends were abducted and are somewhere lost in Malapinchi, Drisana is your powerful, friendly guide, the elders are shady and you have some sort of tie to this place that you yourself don’t even understand. Wonderful! You do a great job at snagging in readers with the right amount of mystery in the beginning while teasing more information through the next few episodes. Given that by episode three we don’t know much about Malapinchi and the relationship to the flashbacks of WWII, that can seem a little confusing, but I think any patient reader knows that the connections will be made soon enough. I think your rate of plot development is very natural and I have no suggestions for you here–only praise.
Directing : Awesome directing! I love the combination of ink, limelight, the original old-school episode style, and even some spot-light! Your transactions between characters are very natural, entrances and exits are coordinated, everything looks good! My only note would be the first interaction with the triplets–they all have the same movements at the same time. At first, this may seem off-putting from a directing standpoint, but I think it actually just compounds the characterization that they are all very similar and in sync–I’m sure this was even intentional! I think it does very well in serving the purpose of portraying them as a unit, but if you’re looking to have more natural interactions, you may want to switch up what some of them are doing. But again–it seems very clear that you’ve purposefully made them replicates of one another for the sake of solidarity amongst them. This, in and of itself, is still a good choice as far as characterization goes–my note is only for the purpose of making a more realistic interaction, which may not be what you want here–in fact, it may even detract from what you’ve already built. Just something to consider. Either way, great job!!
Grammar : You already have a really excellent story–I think the only true suggestion I could make to improve the appearance of your story is to iron out some of the grammar and punctuation. For the most part, your spelling and syntax are great (I’ve listed some isolated errors below that you may want to correct–I make these kind of mistakes all the time!), but there are some areas where it’s a little unclear or where the punctuation is off. I was also a little confused by the sections of dialogue that appear randomly underlined or italicized–do those phrases have a specific importance? I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be picking up on something and just completely missing it! If not, it may be worthwhile to limit the underlining and italics to special words and phrases so that the reader knows those are important or should be emphasized differently. Does this derail your story? Not in the least! Again, your story is excellent as is–I think this would just give it a more polished, professional quality. You’ve done such a great job with it in its entirety that I think this is just that added ‘wow’ factor! Even without changing any of the writing, you’ve still managed to tell a great, informational, and entertaining story.
Just as a preface, I’d like to say that I normally don’t make a list of specific corrections, but you had SO FEW errors that I knew I’d only need to list a few per chapter. Please don’t think of this as a negative criticism–instead, I would like to applaud you for having such stellar grammar and diction that I could only point out a few areas that were gray!
‘Gosh, grow up MC, you’re 21 for crying out loud!’ – Stylistically, it is common to spell out numbers.
‘Spoken like a true leader.Why can’t I be like that?’ — There is no space between Why and period.
‘I rather sleep or go off with the boys.’ — I should be I’d
‘Ugh never mind. I just recap in my head what are our objectives for the project.’ — I should be Ill
‘You know I’m such a blur person.’ — A few readers (myself included) may not know what a blur is! You may want to expound upon this a little more with context.
‘Did the door just locked by itself?’ — Locked should be lock
In the scene with the gunshots in 1939, there is no gun prop in the hands.
‘It’s our land which the Malapinchian tribe lives’ – This reads a little strange. Maybe try ‘It’s our land in which the Malapinchian tribe lives.’
‘We rear animals like cows, lamas, and more’! — Lamas should have two Ls, llamas.
‘I’m so overwhelm right now.’ — Overwhelm should be overwhelmed.
‘Nowadays, it’s even rarer almost nonexistent.’ — You may want a comma between rarer and almost.
‘Hey we love the sun’ — This sentence is very blunt! It doesn’t feel very natural in their conversation.
‘What just happen?’ — Happen should be happened
‘Drisana, you mention I’m the first Outsider to set foot here after a long time’ — Mentioned
‘What more to guests in my home’ — This one also reads a little strange. I think I get what she’s saying–what else would you expect me to offer guests of my home?–but it doesn’t feel immediately natural right away.
‘Your memories have return and you want answers.’ — Returned
‘Recently I’ve been having visions… and I to help that person’— And I to help that person… should that be and I am to help that person?
‘They never share about heir past.’ — Just a typo–missing the ‘t’ in their.
‘As you wish malady’ — I think you might want m’lady, not malady–that’s a sickness!
‘I’ve never been more shock in my life til I forgot to breathe!’ - This one also reads a little strange.
Characters : Wowee! Your wide range of characters–and their specific backstories–truly amazes me. You’ve done a fantastic job. You’ve introduced so many different ideals, cultural aspects, and personalities that all I can do is say how impressed I am! I absolutely love Drisana–she’s been so friendly and caring ever since MC has arrived in Malapinchi. I’m excited to get a more well-rounded view of the other characters. I’m especially interested in Jindara–we are teased at the beginning by her thoughts, but it hasn’t been touched on again by episode three and so it’s easy to forget about her–I look forward to seeing what she has to bring to the story.
Progression : Like I said, plot progression is going really well! You make new strides in each chapter towards the goal of getting to MCs friends, as well as shedding a little more light on this mysterious place that is Malapinchi. My ONLY suggestion–and this is a very light suggestion–is to perhaps add recaps for your story. Some stories can do without, I think–primarily because as you keep reading, you figure out what you forgot from the last episode. But your story is one of those, in particular, where taking a break from reading can be detrimental because since there is such plot progression with each episode, it becomes easy to forget what happened and it isn’t always clear from the dialogue. Rather than change your dialogue, I think it may be easier to just add a little recap option in the beginning to refresh the important details that were missed since there is so much mystery going on–you want to make sure that readers can easily follow between episodes! I should probably follow my own advice on this one… lol.
Final Thoughts : Firstly, I’d like to thank you for all of the information that you’ve given me in the story. This story is equally as educational as it is entertaining–and I appreciate the expose on so many Asian cultures (I personally felt my heart warm even at the mention of Hmongs–my best friend is Hmong and very active in the Hmong community and I know that that ethnic group has very little exposure in media, most people have never even heard of them or their cultures and subcultures). I feel that I know a lot about Asian ethnic groups and nationalities and you’ve even taught me stuff. I love that you’ve introduced so much of linguistics and cultural studies into this story–you have done an excellent job at that. I would say, though, for many readers that are less captivated by ethnic studies, you may want to limit some of what is presented in the actual storyline itself (I worry that some readers may find that it detracts from the story) and give even greater detailed explanations in the credits section (LOVE THE CREDITS BTW, great idea). I, personally, like it as it is–I think I’m just making a statement about what may appeal to the general public (though, don’t take ALL of it out, obviously–force people to learn! lol). In either case–great job, @jannahjackson.