Overall, the concept and plot points are great. But I read for a long time, and Dante still hasn’t woken up beautiful yet. The story should move along faster. Other then that, I loved the comedy aspect of the story! Here are my nitpick-y requests:
During the scene where Roy takes Dante’s track clothes, Roy says “I have bit of problem.” The proper sentence would be “I have a bit of a problem."
When Dante starts crying in what looks to be a parking lot, maybe Roy should mention the fact that Dante is crying and make fun of him? I feel like a bully would do that.
You mention the weight but not height of Dante. He is shorter then almost every other character.
Maybe the coach should be supportive of his weight loss other then punishing him. I don’t think a teacher would act like that.
When Roy punches Dante on the track, he punches past him, and Dante’s reaction is off.
When Dante’s Mom slaps Roy, she slaps behind him. Just in case you’re not sure how to fix that, move her to a different layer. If you have any questions about that, refer to the Writer’s Portal.
Dante’s reaction to his Mom hugging him is off timed.
Dante’s Mom says “Before it leaves without you”. Instead of “it”, maybe say “Before the train leaves without you.”
Instead of Lucy walking backwards you could cut to her standing there, then Alex walking between them.
I would keep Dante from saying anything funny about his bullying. That way, the readers feel bad for his character faster. And that’s the kind of reaction you want, I’m guessing.
4 stars, though!