🌷 Golden Story Critiques 🌹

I’m bored and willing to do a critique for someone’s story. More of a second opinion if anything.

To be more organized I’ll judge based on character, directing, moods and overall chapter impression.

*not keen for sci-fi or cliche Romance

*sorry this is slow. All of a sudden life wants to be interesting. I’ll get these critiques through when I’m settled near a PC. (I don’t go out of order.)

Completed:
@ GO-Logan :revolving_hearts::rose:
@ mt.episode
@ Amphia

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I havent publish my story but I just finish chapter 1&2 and im now working on 3rd but can you give me a critique
here is the link

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I’d appreciate critique so much! Thanks for making this thread. :heart:
My story is unpublished.

Title: Sincerely, Maylene

Episodes: I have finished all episodes 1-7, except for episode 3 that is only 1/2 finished.

Description:
Dear World,
I will end this cruel system and terrible war, bringing a new era of peace and democracy to my kingdom.
Sincerely,
Maylene
(CC & male or female love interest)

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4898101651111936

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Where would you like your critique? :pleading_face:

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On everything pls :pleading_face::pleading_face:

Here or Pm?

Wherever you want to do it

Hello @GlodenWaves! Thank you for creating this thread!

I would LOVE to get some honest feedback from you too if possible! <3

There are only three episodes so far and this is more a comedy than romance!

PS: I don’t mind whether you share your feedback here or PM!

Thank you for doing this :hugs::heart::innocent:
So, here is my story:
Story title: Master of elements
Author: AnjitaD
Episodes: 4 is out (more coming soon)
Description: Will you and your friends able to save the world from darkness as you uncover secrets back 500 years ago ? (Timed choices point system, Thriller/ Fantasy/ Adventure/ Action)
Style: Limelight
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5576198820528128


Instagram I’d: @ad_stories.episode

My story has both male and female main character

You can play as female in 1st, 2nd, 3rd episodes and in 4th episode you can play as male.

Hello @GoldenWaves! I would love to know what you think of my story! I don’t think my story has any cliche romance but there is some romantic elements in there!

Title: Shado
Author: Roy
Description: After tragedy, Roy returns to civilization a changed women. She begins her crusade, determined to put things right, with the help of her trusted people,waging a one-woman on crime.
Genre : Action
Style: Ink
Chapters: 9 and ongoing
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5108744574074880

Sudden Life Change
The questions are what I ask myself as a reader. Then I go back and answer them if given one. Since the story has a authors note I will take that into consideration. But check out the forums for a proofreader.

Screenshots 🥃🥃🥃

"Episode 1

Excessive CC, make it optional to customize the family by adding a warning and a simple choice. (Some keep the original characters when there are edits involved.)

Do not start your story with a definition, put it in “readerMessage” when scripting, it causes distractions, especially when you know the word.

“Mexico Snakes” Should be “Mexican Snakes”, its a gang name, yes, but you’re describing people. Also, a nice way to tell me the ethnicity of my family for later purposes.

Question: Why would the boss of a cartel be on the frontlines with his goons anyway, And why does he act so surprised to see his daughter whom he just shot at? I see that he had intentions of being caught later on in the second episode

Too Much Info DUmp She reveals everything. IvetookthisjobsoIcanfindyou,Isufferedfrommygrandpasdeathbecauseofyou And I’m an angry child. Not to make fun, this is what I see when I’m reading this, you did well-explaining Grandpas death later on with the flashback, but these paragraphs of telling the reader everything is not it.

I would suggest cutting some lines out and have her go off, but stop at some point such as “He isn’t worth it,” She has a job to do and its not to stand and talk while her team could be in danger. She can yell at him in the interrogation room.

The flashback with the Grandma. make sure she speaks Spanish with translation. It makes no sense for her to switch languages if she’s talking to her bilingual daughter. *Consistency.
*After reading episode 3, how can my grandma speak English, but not her own child. (My mother?)

“Is that the father of (Name)?” Take this question out, nothing in the story before implied that I didn’t know that was my father. You just gave free story plot away.

Nice Ending, Since she is surprised, it implies that she didn’t really want to talk to him, therefore the suggestion for the scene where she yells at him would make sense.

Episode 2

Appreciate the Recap

“Chapter 2” The Speechbubble is too low and the text effect…subscript? makes it too small.

“Is there any problem with that, Gomez?”
“Of course not.”
Did she not mention that was her father? Her boss doesn’t know that? Seems off for ho friendly everyone seems. (I understand he is working for the dad. Suggestion: have him slip up and say, father, even though Shes never mentioned it?)

Take my place. The nerve of this man :sob: :sob:

I picked outfit 3 :3 Le Best outfit.
“Meanhile on the other side of the bar” the goon is very offensive. Make sure that skintones match the lips. And that goes for Background Characters too. People in this community notice when authors put little work into their characters.

“Unknown” when going back to editing characters, change “Script Name: Unknown” into “Boss”, we already know its her father and the guy just called him Boss. He’s not unknown anymore.

Okay, here’s where things get unreal:

“Kill one of them,” You messed up a bit when telling me the question form Episode 1 “Is that her real father?” But I’m going to discard that.

Those are his children that’s not what a father would say to his innocent daughter. It can only be sister targerted. Daughter or not she’s still an FBI agent also. Try:

“Shoot, but don’t kill,”
“Which one?”
“The girl in the green dress.”

The hole crowd heard a gunshot. They all need to act shocked.
(Name) needs to face left when reacting to her shot sister.

Flashback: The principal needs to run in and say something while shock not stand there like its a normal day. *Realism
I know you don’t have advanced coding, but after the first girl goes down the other two need to jump her or run off-screen, and then the principal comes in. No one is going to stand there and get beaten up.

Darren should say, “Clear The Area,” so we (the reader) can see that

She has anger issues so I can see her running after the shooter unarmed, but after the hit scene, he should pull the gun back out. Remember, she’s a Fed, he’s a gang member, he’d do anything not to be arrested.

After that I would suggest having the female officer point a gun at her head. and in chapter 3 explain that there “shots” confirmed at this place.

"Episode 3

I know its Incomplete

You could delete this scene or keep it, but a fed shouldn’t have to call 9-1-1 as a citizen, she should be calling a co-worker for backup or to send an officer.

The officer walked on screen with no caution? have her run on screen
*for my suggestion if you change the scene. Have the man already in handcuffs at the start of the episode.

Feel Free to ask ANY questions, :blob_hearts: :heart:

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Im only reading three episodes. :blob_hearts:

Episode 1

The loop background, try to slow down the speed for it.
I love this thought out system. the disparity of the slaves is not fantasy-like explanations coming from the POV of a woman with privilege.

She flushes at “Your wife” but doesn’t make a face for being “put in her place” (talking back i understand, but she should roll her eyes or something.)

Episode 2

Is the Club Music for “Sexy Dance” the only one that fits the theme? It sounds too modern, but I can’t remember all the sounds rn.

11/10 AHAHA Give Me MAH PrizE.

That one Spongebob episode when Squidward thought he found paradise? That’s what the repeat scene reminds me of.

UhhhHHH

Uhh, what were you skeptical about? This story is good. I am iffy about the whole slave loving master thing. That’s not a loving relationship, but I can see that they are good friends.
I’m going to continue reading this story, its really good to me and touches on a subject that Unfortunately/Fortunately I can put my two cents on. :blob_hearts: :wilted_flower:

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Thank you very much! I appreciate your honesty.
I do not know how to slow down a looping background, but I’ll look into it!
I will make sure to go over all my music choices to make it fit the story better.

How could I improve the slave loving master relationship? I wanted the two to act like equals in a unfair world.

Is my story the kind you would keep reading? If not, why?

Thanks again!!

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Summary

I don’t think its so much as “improvement” youve established the rule that there relationship is banned, clearly they’ll go into the obvious reasons, but another thing is:

boob

It’s the power dynamic, the lack of consent, the what-if,
An improvement? Don’t have them fall in love, learn to let go, That would be the improvement in reality.

Also, I RARELY read historical content, but this caught my eye. I am intrigued and there never seems to be a dull moment with any of the characters. Thank You for writing this. :blob_hearts:

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:exploding_head:
Delettteee this latterrr

This is a really good climax. I like this a lot, If this is what you mean by equal, assuming slavery is abolish, they could very well be together. (Away from others) since principles wouldn’t be the same.

1 Like

I’d love a story review thank you so much for taking your time to do this <3

6252545F-C042-4741-B127-1A79A5427173

Hi there!! I’d love to hear your opinion/review on my story :")
Thank you for this thread :heart:

(ft. my janky cover I created lol)

Title: Squad: Evident
Author: Piki
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Romance
Description: An unlikely team consisting of your detective best friend, neighborhood delinquent, and rivaling prosecutor form to unravel the evident truth of your father’s wrongful conviction.
**Featuring customizations, choices that matter, and dialogue I created at weird hours of the night.
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5324137063317504
Instagram: @piki.episode https://www.instagram.com/piki.episode/

Hello, are you still critiquing stories? I’d love to get mine reviewed.


One Chance

  • Author’s Name: Mnemosyne Sartori
  • Genre: Fantasy-Action
  • Description: Four strangers have to work together when they enter a strange game that promises to make their lives better. How will they fare if the lives of those they love are on the line?
  • Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5983065739558912

Thank you for doing thiiis! Here is mine.
Ps. I hope life is still interesting :laughing:

Title: Fairyland
Author: Superhuello
Genre: Comedy
Style: Limelight
Episodes: 10 (Ongoing)
Description: To be the queen of the fairyland, Erin, a merry fairy, must experience a quest in the real world. But she experiences…LOVE? What an earthly anomaly!
Instagram: @superhuello.creates
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5163293370810368