Hey! I just finished reading the first episode of your story and will paste my notes I made below.
I hope they don’t come across too brash or formal- let me know if you would like specific feedback.
I thought I’d better see if you are ok with this kind of feedback/let you know what it may sound like for the other episodes before I continue <3
I’ll wait to hear if this kind of feedback is ok before reading the other episodes (I don’t want to send them all at once in note form like this and having it upset you, if that makes sense x)
I hope I didn’t get too carried away with my feedback- I tend to ramble on a bit.
Please let me know if this kind of feedback/the format of it is useful to you, as if you’d prefer to receive it in a more/less specific way I can change it up/change the way I word things for the next episode!
I’ll wait to hear if this is ok with you before doing the other episodes just so I can get myself into the right frame of mind etc.
I’ve also blurred my feedback just so that anyone who wants to read it can do without any spoilers.
Episode 1
I was curious with the lip colour thing but when it was explained you gave me a laugh.
Didn’t change anything other than the lip colour to fair rose as a way to ‘script-test’ how the customisation works (ie if there are any bugs) and for personal preferences. Love Layla’s design and looking forward to seeing her ‘as a guy’!
Didn’t change anything about the first love interest, love his design and costuming and it all looks natural.
Accidentally clicked something on the second love interest so I’m not sure if Triangle Defined Chin was his original face. Other than that, I didn’t change anything. Loved his design too.
Love the use of foreground pieces (?) that give text instead of just the boxes.
Not sure if my story is glitched but for the ‘there I was all alone’ part no one was onscreen. If there’s not meant to be, maybe you should consider adding her in sitting/standing at the fountain? I’m assuming she’s the guy stood in the back corner however it may be a bit more intriguing/mysterious if Layla was crying at the fountain, as from the narration it sounds as though she is meant to be upset and not being able to see her face/no body language doesn’t get that across as well as if she were crying in view of the camera or even doing the crying/sad animation facing away for the body language.
Some of the background characters have black lips. I’m not sure if it’s intentional- it’s just a bit distracting when you’re presumably not meant to be paying too much attention to them (other than if they were a goth kid). Might be a glitch (sometimes characters get white lips when they’re not meant to so maybe it’s happened with black lips?).
The hallway scene feels like it isn’t needed/is just there to let us know there’s a new kid, so it may have been better to have had him walk by/use it as an introduction to him or just have cut the scene out completely and jumped straight to the classroom after the school bell, which would also allow you to cut out the establishing shot that I personally feel isn’t needed, especially with the school bell establishing where we are going to be by itself.
I like the teacher’s design.
The school uniform Layla is wearing is clipping through the jacket she’s got on. Not something that’s vital to change but is a bit distracting.
I do wish there was a ‘customise Layla as a boy’ option, though I do like her design.
I am wondering why she needs to be disguised as a boy when the school has female students too, but it is adding to the mystery!
I chose to be awkward.
The first love interest looks like he knows what’s up! It’s creating some great tension with trying to figure out if he knows or not!
I feel like there should be a choice on how to first interact with your love interest, but it’s not needed. Just felt like it was leading up to a choice.
I like the first love interest. He seems humorous (in the good kind of way) where you’re left to figure out what he’s thinking yourself.
I do feel as though you don’t need to show his thoughts to the reader, as not having his thoughts would add to the mystery of ‘does he know?’, though knowing what he’s thinking will impact the choices I make later on.
The whip sound effect made me jump a bit but the moment between the love interest and Layla did make me chuckle.
This humour is spot on! You’ve got me laughing!
I’m glad the episode doesn’t just end there- I was hoping to see a little bit more/the aftermath.
Again, having him be so quiet is quite humorous and adds to the mystery- it’s tricky to pull off a ‘silent’ character but you have!
Chose I think I am being stalked.
The principle is a savage. I like her character already and I hope I get to see more of her!
Layla is adorably awkward and likable. The more of her personality I see, the more I want to read about her.
I was hoping it would be the love interest! Great use of comedic circumstance!
I’m also liking the directing/editing so far. Good use of close ups/sound effects etc.
I’m loving the way Layla is interacting with the love interest.
I chose to accept him as the tour guide as I’d really like to see them interact with each other more, though I’m a bit sad this could mean I don’t get to meet another character yet.
Again, I’m loving the interaction between the two. It all comes across as natural!
Love the sweeping shot of the hallway- very creative!
“He noticed?” had me CRYING!
I love how he essentially breaks Layla.
Chose SCREAM! (but not like a girl) for the sake of comedy- maybe there should be a sound effect of a scream?
I love how they’re both so awkward yet funny with each other.
I did feel like the episode was going to end with him being introduced as the tour guide/at the end of the coffee scene however I am pleasantly surprised I get to read more!
The swiping transition could be a bit smoother but it’s still a natural way to progress the story and the ‘scenes’ don’t feel unnecessary.
I do like how the love interest is unintentionally creepy getting all close to Layla while she’s sleeping etc. Their personalities are built really well!
Loving the hand overlay/foreground thing!
Lovely art piece! And what a dramatic and intriguing way to end the story!
I’m excited to see where this is going! Really enjoyed reading this!
Hopefully this all makes sense (I can word things in a weird way sometimes). Definitely would recommend this to anyone willing to give it a read!
. That will help me to improve my story 
. Maybe I’ll change that when I got the time for it.
