So far I’ve made it so it works as a trilogy, but if people like it I would love to add more chapters - let me know what you think!
First of all, thank you for showing me all my weak points! I’ll definitely take them all into consideration when writing future chapters! I did notice how cookie cutter my plot was when I first started writing it, so I tried really hard to stray away from cliques. I’m glad the plot didn’t come off as generic when you read it! As for the first chapter, I too did feel there was an element missing to it, but I didn’t know how to fix it. If I ever do extensive flashbacks again, I’ll definitely try to implement dialogue. Also, for the love interests I’ll most likely have to build up their character throughout the story before jumping into the actual romance of it. Again, thank you for taking the time out of your day and giving me very helpful feedback! I find it very resourceful and I appreciate it!
Hey, I’ve just finished (re)reading the first three chapters of your story
I’ve already read and given feedback for you before, but since you requested, I guess I’ll do another review.
My first impressions of this story were something along the lines of “Wow! This seems super exciting and intriguing!” Not gonna lie though, when I saw the lengthy author note in chapter one, part of which said something like “There may be errors in this chapter, please excuse them, I’m new at this, blah blah blah,” I was feeling pretty iffy. A lot of authors tell readers something similar to this before starting the chapter, and it really reveals insecurities in their writing. Readers want to know that you’re confident in the work you’ve clearly put enough bravery in to publish. I suggest taking that part of the author note out.
LOVED the very first line of the story: “Everything twisted starts with something simple.” It really invokes an ominous mood and gave some insight right off the bat into who Aria’s character is. I also liked the criminal investigation scenes, although I felt it wasn’t visually interactive enough. I noticed you had some narration going on about what was in the crime scene when Dawn and Aiden were investigating. For scenes like these, DON’T. Moments like these in the story are meant to be intricately explored by the characters, and not glossed over by narration. Find a creative way of showing, and not so much just telling. The story shined at its brightest, though, when it focused on Ryder and Aria’s tumultuous affair, Aria’s secret, and just basically anything revolving around the secrets in the crime slowly unraveling.
The pacing of this story was very strange. Every chapter, the mysterious and eerie mood of the storyline really stands out, and the pacing is perfect, but as it goes along, it gets weirder. Sometimes it felt super dragged out, other times it was too rushed in the context of that scene. I feel like you need to reevaluate what moments in the story you need to really put time into, and others you don’t need to as much. One criticism that definitely contributes to the pacing problems is the dialogue. The interactions between characters seem incredibly stiff and monotone. This is partially a directing problem (I’ll elaborate more on that in the directing portion.). Try to make the dialogue more creative, but realistic as well.
Man, I absolutely LOVE Aria. Right off the bat, I was totally feeling her character, and I knew instantly she would be the one I’d feel the most connected to. She’s mysterious, conflicted, secretive, and seemingly stone-cold-- but there seems to be a lot more to her and her story. To me, she is what intrigues me the most to this story. She’s so well-written, and she is by far the best character.
On the other hand, I honestly tried to care about Dawn and Aiden. I mean, I really did. But every scene with just the two of them felt so lengthy, and I really had to resist the urge to just zone out and press on the screen as fast as I could to skip over the scene. Characters like them really detract from the story. Since those two have a lot of screen time, I’d suggest making the readers care about them by providing insight into their personality, their past, and/or just simply making their dialogue less wooden (preferably in the first three chapters, because first impressions are everything).
First of all, I loved the use of overlays at the crime scene-- it greatly enhanced the story and aided the readers in understanding what was going on. However, when you have characters going under the table overlay, don’t make them go screen left/center/right. They look huge in contrast to the small table in the back, and it looks really awkward.
The animations and dialogue felt very stiff (as I mentioned in the “plot” portion). This is partially because of the fact that you use the same animation for lines and lines of dialogue consistently, and the fact that you rarely use simultaneous actions. This causes awkward pauses at certain times in the story and combined with the wooden dialogue, it makes for a very awkward reading experience. I’d also suggest adding more zooms during long conversations-- even just a few of them would greatly enhance reader engagement and keep them on their feet through lines and lines of dialogue.
Quick note: I noticed a scene in chapter three (in which Dave and Ryder were talking whilst sitting down) had the characters ditch the sitting animation after a while. You should make sure they’re not performing a standing animation without a transition from sitting to standing beforehand. You may also want to simultaneously place characters immediately after you write the background in. There were a lot of times in which characters were randomly popping onto the screen.
The grammar in this story wasn’t that bad. However, there are a lot of errors involving comma usage, and I noticed a couple of errors involving sentence comparison (example: “She was better than me” when it’s supposed to be “She was better than I”) Another thing-- and while this isn’t necessarily an error, I noticed you use words/word phrases over and over again in a row during lines of dialogue. Try to switch it up with pronouns or by combining sentences. It can really transform your writing.
(example of repetitive dialogue: I have a cat. The cat’s name is Tabby. My cat has brown fur. I love my cat very much.)
(fixed sentence: I have a cat called Tabby who has brown fur. I love him very much!)
I didn’t find many choices at all throughout this story. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there were any choices at all in chapter 2 and/or 3. I don’t know if there are more choices later on in the story, but please try to make decisions that make the readers feel like what they pick matters (or at least just write a lot of small choices to make it feel more interactive). You could also try making mini-games; it’s another great way to increase reader engagement and interaction.
FINAL SCORE: 26.5/50
Thank you so much!
Title: Too Late
Description: Kelsey is the top event planner in LA. What happens when an old flame unexpectedly comes back into her life?
Just re(read) the first three chapters of your story! Here’s my review
The summary is so intriguing! Supernatural elements, secrets, and more packed in one kickass plot that’s set in Asia? I was so excited to start this story!
You did a great job of balancing subtle humor, dark elements, and cultural significance into one story. Fantasy is such a flexible genre, so I’m really happy you decided to take advantage of that Loved how you decided to take a more interesting direction in your story instead of going the mainstream, cookie-cutter route.
One piece of feedback I have is to go even deeper into the culture, if you will. You use a lot of heavy dialogue to explain significant cultural elements, which can be quite lengthy and a lot of info for the readers to absorb at once. Maybe use visuals accurately depicting these elements to help the readers out?
The pacing of this story was pretty great! The chapters are quite lengthy for some viewers, but I personally think it’s a good amount of time. A lot happens in these chapters anyway, so it’s a great use of a pass
I loved the characters! Every single one of them! It’s super rare for me to get attached to Episode characters these days, because they’re always the “generic Beach Wave female MC stuck in the middle of a love triangle.” But you managed to make even supporting and minor characters feel fully fleshed out. They actually mattered to me. I’ll admit, the dialogue is a bit unrealistic at times and can feel a bit OOC, but the chemistry between the characters is undeniable. Aaaagghhhh I love them all!
CHARACTERS: 10/10 (That’s the first time I’ve given a 10/10 on any section in this thread lol!)
I just love the directing in this story! Your use of overlays, especially, make the story infinitely better, and most importantly, make sense in the context of the story. They aren’t just there because “oooh, I think this will look pretty.” You know what I mean?
The scene with Ruru the monkey was especially adorable!
I do have a problem with the text effects. I know they can be really useful in highlighting important parts of the story, but there were certain times in which it looked out of place-- like they weren’t necessary in that moment, essentially. I’d also recommend adding a lot more zooms in long conversations. It helps to engage readers during lines and lines of detailed dialogue in which they can get bored too easily. I also have a small critique in chapter two. When we first encounter Xiaodan, Cahaya, and Deepika, try not to have them do the exact same animations simultaneously. It looked kind of awkward-- try to mix the animations up a bit.
The grammar was pretty good, but it had quite a lot of errors regarding end marks and commas. Try to put end marks at the end of literally every single sentence. There are also a lot of commas missing when they shouldn’t be, and commas there when they aren’t necessary.
I felt like the story had a lot of choices when it came to conversations and questions. However, I didn’t think there were many choices which really impacted the story.
TOTAL SCORE: 40.5/50
Here is my story
Story Title: Blind Date with Millionaire
Published : 3 Chapters
You went on a blind date with a handsome young millionaire. What will happen when you wake up in the same bed?(Romance&Drama)
Hey, I just read the first three chapters of your story! Here’s my review.
Hmmm, first impressions… When I read the description, I didn’t really know what to expect. But hey, I always love stories portraying strong, kick-ass single moms, so I was excited to see how’d you write Summer.
One thing I loved about the storyline was the themes you put into the storyline. I found a lot of underlying messages about family, loss, and accepting new love. This was mainly from the chemistry between Summer and her family-- that was magical, and I loved it when the story focused on scenes with them (I’ll elaborate more on this in the “characters” section).
When I was reading the first chapter, I was having trouble determining what the main storyline was. It felt like you were skipping from scene to scene too quick, and you were just dumping character information on the readers. I wasn’t feeling the way you introduced Summer. The narration was especially weird since it was from third person and later switches to first person in later chapters. It also felt very wooden (something like “This is Summer. She is (insert info here).” Character introductions are crucial, and in order for them to work, they need to be written into the story intricately in a way that flows well with the pace of the story.
The second problem that branches from this is the pacing. Chapter one, especially, felt way too fast-paced. I didn’t feel connected to the characters at all, partly because everything felt so rushed (and also because of the reason I said in the paragraph above). Also, nothing really happened in chapter one. It was basically character intros, Summer going to work, meeting the love interest, then boom… it’s over. Being an author myself, I know how frustrating and time-consuming chapters are to write, but if the chapter is going to be brief, make sure something significant happens other than intros. I did notice that chapters two and three had much better pacing and buildup, though. Good job on that improvement
Despite the rough introduction she was given, I ended up really loving Summer! She’s such a strong woman-- I loved how she persevered in raising her two children despite her breakup with her ex. I would’ve liked some flashbacks to her past in the first few chapters to feel even more connected to her, though. Tayler and Tyler are also super adorable, and I love the scenes in which they’re all together as a family unit. Definitely the best part of the story!
My opinions on Spencer? I… do not like him. Especially in chapter one, he was just so frickin’ rude to Summer by following her and basically forcing her to let him give a ride. I’m sure he has good intentions, but he just came off as really creepy and rude. My first impressions of him weren’t all that great lol. I’m all for dimensional characters-- you know, the bad and mysterious boy who secretly has a heart of gold (of course, when this trope is done right.) From the first three chapters, I knew barely anything about Spencer or his past, which contributed to my lack of care for him. Without a foundation, it’s impossible to give him good character development without it seeming OOC and forced. I hope you improve on this in the future by putting more emphasis on Spencer’s mannerisms and hopefully his past life.
The interactions between him and Summer, especially in the first two chapters, felt super OOC and rushed. It’s pretty unrealistic how Summer would be admiring Spencer’s body and features after being forcibly told to get into a car by a random stranger.
His friends/subordinates are also pretty weird lol. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really feel any character other than Summer and her family.
The directing was pretty solid. There weren’t any major mistakes that took away from the story. However, you may want to keep characters (that are in spot directing positions) the same size when they exit. I liked the use of directing in a couple of scenes You may want to add more zooms onto long conversations. It makes lines and lines of dialogue more bearable to readers, trust me. It goes a really long way
Another big criticism I have is that you often put the description of a character’s actions in their own thought bubbles. This makes reading it extremely awkward. You should definitely put them in the narrator bubble instead. I mean, it’s extremely unrealistic for someone to think of a really deep description of what he/she is doing.
While the spelling is decent, and the sentence structure is good, there are a lot of punctuation errors that really take away from the story. There are commas missing when they shouldn’t be, random apostrophe use, especially nouns in the plural form (example: “lady’s” when it’s supposed to be “ladies”), and commas where there should be semicolons. Now, I know people don’t even use semicolons these days, because it’s too pretentious, and I sorta agree lol. But, it’s the only grammatically correct way to connect clauses without coordinating conjunctions. Semicolons look pretty weird in Episode stories, though, so as an alternative, try making a separate sentence instead of incorrectly putting a comma.
example: (wrong) Sally likes pie, she also likes to bake them.
(right) Sally likes pie; she also likes to bake them.
Sally likes pie. She also likes to bake them.
The choices were really great! There were quite a few in each chapter, and I loved how they actually meant something to the story and impacted character relationships. I’m assuming you’re using a point system here, so props to you for making the readers feel invested and important to the fate of the story! Great job
FINAL SCORE: 31/50
Hi there! So you’ve reviewed my story before, but I see you have a new way of reviewing! I like what you’re doing for other authors on this platform and I was wondering if you wanted to re review my story? You totally don’t have to if you don’t want to because I know you already have. I understand completely! Thank you for reading anyways!
Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 3 (More to come)
Create your own characters and Choices Matter!
OMG yaaaas! I love your story and I’d love to give it a proper review! I only gave you feedback on your first chapter on my other thread, but I will be totally open to give you a proper review on your first three chapters even though I’m all caught up hehe
You’re so amazing! Thank you so much! I really appreciate this!
Heheh thank you! I’ll take note of the aforementioned above
@Eva_Diva1 Hey, I just read the first three chapters of your story! Here’s my review
My first impressions of this story were pretty great. The cover, the riveting description-- an action-packed story filled with suspense, horror, and romance packed all in one? I was so excited to start this!
First of all, I loved how you took the typical “apocalyptic world” template and put really creative twists of your own. You added really great subtle comedic moments and some romantic elements (which I’m SO happy isn’t a “love at first sight” situation. That would be so unrealistic for this genre of story lol) that are actually realistic. Great job on making this story your own!
The pacing of this story was great, however, I think there should be more buildup to the ending of the chapters-- especially in chapters one and three. I felt like those particular chapters also should be more climactic. A suspenseful cliffhanger with a lot of tension-filled buildups is what readers want, and is what gravitates them to continue reading the rest of your story. Chapter two, for example, had an amazing cliffhanger. The buildup to the sight of the destroyed city literally gave me chills. Holy crap, it was amazing! Try to build on the pacing formula you used for chapter two.
Overall, the general concept and direction of this story are amazing! The execution is basically flawless
Oh my, I absolutely LOVE the characters in this story. Maya, Ryan, and Leon are all amazing! I’m only three chapters in, so only three significant characters have been introduced so far. Personally, that invokes such a significant feel of intimacy from me to the characters, in contrast to a super huge ensemble cast of characters in many other Episode stories. With fewer characters, I noticed there was a lot more room for character insight and analysis–examples of this would be the flashback scenes with Maya and Ryan towards the beginning of the apocalypse.
Leon was just introduced really recently, too, and I’m already so attached to him haha! I can’t wait to see how his character is written from here as I read further into this story.
My final remark is that I just love how you didn’t explain every single thing about Maya’s past through friggin’ narration bubbles. UGH. I hate it when authors just dump loads of character info on the readers through wooden narration and expect us to give a damn. LOL. The flashback scenes work wonderfully with the story and succeeded in making me feel connected to Maya. I can’t wait to see how the characters develop from here!
The directing for this story was amazing. I literally got chills all over my body during the intro of the first chapter. I loved the use of fading overlays and just your use of overlays in general lol. The custom backgrounds also worked really well in the story. There were also some comedic scenes which were really well-directed, like the scene in which Maya threw the gun at Leon’s face. That had me cackling
Ooooh, then there are some really great scenes which had my heart pounding in my chest. There was this scene in a flashback in which Maya hid from the runners when she first encountered them. The blood overlays, Maya’s scared expression hiding behind the desk, the sound effects and music-- Aaaagghh I was terrified in the best way possible!
What I loved was how you were able to incorporate all this into the story, not just because it “looked good,” but because it actually made sense in the context of the story and greatly enhanced it in that way.
One super small criticism, though, is that I think you should cut back on the readerMessage “A little while later” or something like that. I think the readers get the gist that the scene takes place later since there’s no indication of a flashback. The readerMessage takes away from the story in my opinion.
The sentence structure, tense, and creative use of language were all spot-on. However, there are a lot of comma errors throughout all the chapters I’ve read. Commas are missing when they shouldn’t be, so make sure to look out for these errors as you’re writing. Comma errors aren’t as noticeable as other grammar mistakes, so people who skim over the dialogue or who aren’t familiar with English grammar rules will probably miss these errors. But grammar nazis (like myself LOL) get super annoyed when these errors get too consistent.
I didn’t think there were a lot of choices throughout any of these chapters. I can kinda forgive that since this specific genre tends to lean away from an abundant amount of choices. However, stories that are sorta similar to this type of story, such as Shroud, for example, still had plentiful choices that actually mattered. I still think you can pull it off. There were quite a few choices in chapters one and two, however, which I liked.
FINAL SCORE: 44/50
Thank you so much! Will look into those errors and unneeded reader messages! Thanks again for the review, really appreciate it
@MKiara Hey, I just finished (re)reading the first three chapters of your story. Here’s my review!
First impression: I was actually super excited to start this story because I love coming-of-age tales. They feel much more intimate and character-based, which I love.
I’m just going to get this straight out of the way— I had a really hard time figuring out what the overarching plot was. It felt more like a journal entry than it did an actual narrative. The scenes were all over the place— there seemed to be random events happening out of nowhere with absolutely no buildup at all.
The pacing was super strange. Some scenes passed by way too quickly without any time for me to process anything. Others dragged on for way too long, and nothing significant was even happening in those scenes. The mood and tone of this story were all over the place— in chapter two, one moment it was happy and upbeat, and the next, it was in full-fledged action mode. I was thoroughly confused on what kind of style you’re trying to set in your story.
You had a really interesting and creative premise, but the chapters are sloppily done and all over the place.
Like I said before, stories like these tend to be very character-focused, which usually result in them being the biggest strengths in the story. However, I felt almost no connection to any of the characters in this story. Random characters would be mentioned out of nowhere, and there was such a forced emotional bond occurring between many of the characters. The four main protagonists are all stereotypes that are written very monotonously. They have almost no dimension, and they rely too much on clichés to keep them interesting and relevant.
Other characters, such as Mateo and Jaebum, were introduced so abruptly. They were really rude to Kiara especially, which I’m not sure if you intended or not. Anyways, they’re assholes, and I genuinely hope they don’t end up being love interests for anyone.
For a story of this genre, the characters felt flat and out of place. You definitely have an advantage with an ensemble cast of four, so try to take advantage of that by creating a larger feel of intimacy between the readers and the characters.
The directing was pretty solid. I didn’t really see any mistakes that took too much from the story, and I really liked your use of overlays and custom backgrounds One piece of advice is to add many more zooms in longer conversations. It definitely helps engage the readers even throughout lines and lines of dialogue. Some of the animations also feel out of place for some characters, so make sure to polish that up.
The grammar was really confusing. There were some sections of the story that had really great grammar, then the next few scenes would have grammar errors in every single sentence. There are a lot of errors regarding commas, other forms of punctuation/end marks, missing apostrophes, and awkward sentence structure. They occur in almost every single sentence, so make sure to work on that.
There weren’t a lot of abundant choices in this story, and many of the ones given didn’t affect the story that much. However, there were still choices that I can sense had effort put into them, which I appreciate.
FINAL SCORE: 19.5/50
I guess I got work to do.
But I just wanna clarify some things about the story.
But not because “oh my god she bashed my story I’m gonna get super defensive now”
I really appreciate your review ( and totally understand where it’s coming from ) I’m just sorry you got the wrong impression of my story.
I will say for the plot though it’s a slow burn thing, I wanted the first 3 to show the girls together and how they interact. The story is more of a __slice of life __ thing than anything else. It’s a slow burn, and I felt that I didn’t want too much to happen in the first 3 episodes. It’s not suppose to be anything flashy or crazy. I will definitely explore the characters much more in the first 3 now.
For the charterers… maybe I wanted to have the stereotype because I wanted to immediately break that in the next few chapters. But reading your review I realized maybe I should do that at the beginning instead of later. I do think the “mentioning characters thing” was Misaki and I wasn’t sure if that would be confusing but I can def fix that lol.
For Mateo and Jaebum, I won’t lie they are definitely asses in the beginning. I originally had that the MC having a monologue about that and she talks about it with her friends. I’m thinking that I def need that part now in the story. The MC knows that for sure (she won’t be falling for them like that). I think a lot of authors have the Mc fall in love with the jerks just because they’re hot. They’re gonna learn that being assholes will get them nowhere. They’re the closed-off characters that will learn to open up to people. The MC will change them and make them better people. I don’t mean to spoil but those love interests will learn to be friends with the MC way before they can have romantic feelings for her.
I am really thankful for your review of the characters because they are going to shine the most in this story. So I’ll def be sprucing them up and making them less one dimensional and more relatable.
MY pacing def sucked, I’m not sure how I can fix that.
Oh my, Grammer def was not the best I thought my Grammarly was working but alas it decided not to work right. I only figured it out after posting it. I am so annoyed with stories with bad grammar. So sorry about that.
Oh, choices are hard to do, I did not think those through. I kind of want my choices to just mean you have different dialogues. But I think after episode 4 I will be using that point system.
I think I just realized I wanted my story to feel slightly stereotypical so that I could break the stereotypes with readers as the story goes on. But maybe I should include hints about the twists.
I kind of wanna make a story where people will be like “oh I can relate to that character ” and “ I wish I could be more like that one”.
Either way though I am very thankful for your review because we all need criticism or we’ll never grow and be able to learn from our mistakes.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and giving me honest feedback like this.
I meant clarifications with no ill thoughts just so you could understand what my story really is.
Good luck with your story too though I’m surprised it doesn’t have more views, for that category it deserves more.
Thanks for reading my review And thanks for clarifying some confusing parts of your story; I really appreciate it. To fix pacing problems, you can use more creative directing and dialogue to entice the readers. Even if nothing significant happens in those scenes, it avoids readers from getting bored in long scenes. Try to avoid dragging out scenes for too long, also
I don’t know if this is odd but I think I have a story I’d prefer you to review than the one I posted! (But feel free to pick the one you prefer!)
Title Love’s a Game
Plot after a devastating breakup you sign up for America’s biggest dating show. How will you survive your newfound fame?
Ps. Sorry for posting so much, I just love how detailed your reviews are - thank you for the thread!
Thank you for posting another story I can honestly review both stories, unless you’d want otherwise. If you want just one review though, I’ll go with this one since you said you’d prefer it. (Please specify whether you want one or two hehe )
I don’t want to take up too much of your time. Both stories are completely different and of course I’d love a review for both - but only if you want to!