Honest reviews for stories

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Hi Annie,

I read your story today, here’s my thoughts:

  • I like that you start off with a uniform type of writing. Like your background and splashes have the gold dots and also the choice of text effects, sticking with the hot pink instead of doing all random ones looks really good. I hope this continues throughout

  • I don’t actually mind your authors note (which if you read my other reviews, I normally hate it), but I guess yours is ok, because you’re just informing to use sound and follow you on insta, so I’ll allow it :slightly_smiling_face:

  • Ohh, but the fact that your first episode is just CC is disappointing. If you do some digging on the forums, you’ll find a lot of people don’t like that. I know there’s a lot of coding involved so I can see why you’d end it there to avoid clutter, but I urge you to at least start off the story line in this episode! You want the readers to get a little idea of the story line. Keep in mind most people out there only get 3 or 4 every 3 or 4 hours so if you use that free chapter on CC and don’t give the reader anything else, a lot of them might give up on your story.

  • When Ellie is running to meet Ivy, there’s a tree overlay that Ellie runs behind, but her feet stick out just a fraction, so just fix that by either spotting Ellie smaller or putting the overlay behind her

  • Your directing is really good so far, you use zooms and transitions and it flows smoothly

  • Damn, I’m impressed with your spotting of the crowd outside the club/event… Though would suggest changing some characters clothes so that they don’t look like default characters and actually looked dressed for the occasion

  • I chose to flirt to try and get in the club and the actual flirtation made. She called him baldy HAHAHAHA

  • I noticed a little typo in the song. The ‘I’ in ‘I’m’ wasn’t capitalized

  • Just going to repeat this again… Your author note is actually ok. It’s non-annoying, you get to the point, you don’t do some weird animations. If people really must add in author notes, this is the way to do it!

  • I like how you switch up your angles when the boys approach the girls. That really worked well

  • When Nolan gets her a drink, he says something like something something “not to much”, and it should be too

  • I’m not a fan of choices that are like:

  1. witty response 1
  2. witty response 2
  3. witty response 3

And that’s a little how I felt the dance move choice was. That was a chance to add some comedy and give the dance moves bad names for the reader to pick from

  • When Ivy’s in the car, thinking about how awkward and silent it is, you’ve used a talking animations, so her lips move. Change that to a non-talking animation

  • So when they do it, my immediate thought, as with any story that has those scenes so early on, is “oh no, is she gonna get pregnant?” So I’m hoping this doesn’t turn into a pregnancy story…

  • Aw, I’m a little sad he leaves in the morning, but I guess that’s actually realistically what would happen so good job. You’ve made me root for the characters to be together, but also ~realism~

  • If a plot point is now going to be about the song they sang on the karaoke, I think you might want to go back and expand on it because I just thought it was a filler for a montage

  • When Ivy starts to run out to go to Ellie’s, I was thinking “dressed like that??” and then she freaks out coz she hasn’t changed and so she goes back, and I’m impressed that you are able to code in what I’m thinking. That’s a good connection to make with your readers

  • BGMAN2 is not the display name you want to show up when BGMAN2 is talking

  • Ooh! BGMAN2 and BODYGUARD were gay! That was a nice aha moment

  • Ivy when she’s sitting on the chair is spotted a little too big. Try and imagine were her feet would be if she was sitting on that chair in real life

  • I almost forgot about that comment with the girlfriend, but I’m guessing that has the potential to add a lot of drama to the plot

  • The panning between Ivy and Ellie/Nolan gets a little tedious. After the first two, I’d say just use @cut instead

  • Little disappointed that Ellie didn’t call him out for leaving in the morning, but then showing up to ask for a duet. And also she should have commented about his girlfriend. But you seem to know what you’re doing so I’m guessing she will call him out later and then I will be satisfied

  • Episode 5 now and I love that you add the hairbrush and lipstick props. It’s little details like that that make all the difference

  • The couch spotting again is a bit too big and I feel like I know who Simbellious is but I can’t remember what she wrote and it’s going to bug me until I finish the episode and look it up

  • When Ellie’s lying down, you’ll need to spot your speech bubble closer to her. It’s at the highest point on my phone (which is a pixel in case you’re wondering, so I think that would mean it goes off the screen on tablets? I’m not sure on the comparison there tbh)

  • I’m glad this Bella chick is finally giving her some real talk about the fact that he has a girlfriend and the situation is going to get messy. I lost faith in Ivy giving her the wake up call coz Ivy just wanted her to do the duet and didn’t care about the actual situation.

  • Mr. Dalloway needs a space between Mr and Dalloway

  • Question: when I chose to keep working at the firm, I noticed Ellie’s narration bubble had “keep my job” in really small writing. Is that a text effect? I haven’t seen that in stories before

Anyway, that brings me up to date. I quite liked it and will continue. I think if you take anything I’ve said on board, it should be to look at the first episode being CC and then also enhancing the BG characters to look like they fit in. That last one might seem small but will have a positive impact :relaxed:

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