Hey random,
So I’ll be honest, heading in to this I saw the word gang and that’s not really my style but who knows? Maybe it will start to be.
I like the splashes you use at the beginning. And the chapter overlays. Super cool
I like the purple hair and eyes
I like the way you introduced the characters too, but the ones at the back were covered a bit too much by the ones at the front
In the cafe, you might want to spot direct a few speech bubbles so they look like they’re coming from the right person
I think I need to find out a bit more background for these characters. Because right now I’m sitting here like how the heck do these kids have $120000 to spend on a car. Like what is it that they do that gets them this kind of money? Wait, are they kids? I’m guessing they’re between 18-22 years of age?
Ok, the flashback was pretty intense. So I’m glad you put the warning splash.
I found a plot hole: in the flashback Honey says she’s raped, but in the present day she says she’s a virgin… Maybe you could take second to explain that she doesn’t count it unless she’s in love or something?
And I think another piece of background information I need is to find out how they all came together. Because they seem to be learning a lot about each other’s past, and I guess I assumed they would already know since they’re like family
I’m seeing a few little moments of comedy which is helpful for someone like me who isn’t real into the whole gang thing
Your spot directing is great. I haven’t seen any errors with that or zooming either
The custom backgrounds were a nice touch, as was the hands overlay when honey attacks the guard.
It’s also a nice to see that you change the hair to suit the activity. I hate seeing girls running around with diva curls, because irl that hair would be getting stuck in your eyes and mouth
I’d suggest changing the guards display name. It’s a minor thing, but it looks so much better if your readers can’t tell you named them all guard1 guard2 guard3, etc.
The spotting in the car is a little off. Make Elie bigger.
I’ve also noticed you Elie shorter than the others and that really sticks out to me because it means you’ve thought about every scene. I spot direct all my limelight stories because the males are naturally shorted than the females, so I know how time consuming that is
When the girls meet Colton, I can’t help but think they could totally take him. It’s two against two and none of them are holding guns. That could have been an opportunity to catch them off guard. Or you as the author could write that in as a choice? Give them a choice to try and fight Colton or give up because they’ve already been captured
As this scene goes on I am still confused as to why these two don’t escape…? And then why is the other gang so nice to them? Aren’t they rival gangs? I think you need to add a little more resistance there from the girls and some kind of way to make it look the girls are actually trapped in this place. Orrrrr maybe some internal thoughts of the girls thinking if they act keen and excited it will help them gain enough trust to escape
Iris isn’t actually behind the counter at the shop. A layering issue there
At least after the little fight, Colten comes in with some real talk and points out Elie could have escaped. This makes me happy.
I like the way you’re doing the flashbacks with the red fade outs… Even though the flashbacks are confusing me ATM, I’m sure it will all make sense in time. I’m guessing it has to do with what you said in the story description about her seeing the love of her life die
Ok, so in my honest opinion. I think episode 2 needs to change the order of events. Join or die needs to happen before they go out shopping, because letting your captive go out shopping for lipstick with your sister before you’ve insured she’s going your gang is a dumb move Colten’s part, and he seems a lot smarter than that lol
Anyway, I feel terrible because it’s really just not my kind of story. But there is a huge following for gang stories on the app, so I wouldn’t worry about me not being a part of your audience because there is literally thousands of people who will love this. In terms of coding, directing and spelling… There’s no problems there. Gang stories are the type of story people either really love or really hate so please don’t take my review too much to heart. As long as you’re writing something you are genuinely interested in, I’m sure the end result will be something you are proud of xx