Hey Aylina,
I’ve just read your story, here are my thoughts:
I love your use of the text effects. You give them a purpose, instead of just using them for the sake of it.
Your directing is amazing. The spot directing in the second scene stood out to me the most, but also the school hallways. And I even noticed that in the classroom, you’ve changed what’s outside each window so it’s more realistic. Kudos
I really thought this was going to be a teacher/student romance story from the title, I’m glad it’s not (at least so far anyway) and I like the male POV.
One thing that stuck out to me was Jace saying “I’ve to pee” instead of I have to pee. I just couldn’t read it that way naturally in my head.
Also this is a kinda weird feedback for me to give, but all your characters are like… really good looking? Lol. I can tell you took time to create even just the background characters.
I love how you’re using little overlays, like the paper plane and key. Even the bushes, how they move as you’re zooming in on the girls
Also I love that you changed the girls hair to suit the activity. I’m also quite interested to see how tennis goes. Most episode sports are football, soccer, cheerleading or basketball and they’re all obviously really hard to code, so I’m intrigued to see how tennis goes (or if you just do a time skip so it’s less headache for you)
Ending of chapter 1 felt a bit strange to me. It wasn’t exactly a cliff hanger, but yet wasn’t a resolution. That being said, it was a good length.
Anyway I went to read your description again, since I now know it’s not a teacher/student romance, and I guess I’m a little confused at what this is actually going to be a story about. I’m guessing the mask on the cover is a clue, but I don’t yet see how what I’ve read matches the story title… I’m guessing somewhere in the first three episodes, it will make sense, seeing as the first three are usually like “pilot” episodes so I always feel like they’re tired together.
A minor thing, but even if Daisy calls it perfume, I think Alan should call it cologne. Boys get really defensive about that stuff
Tennis scene did not disappoint! Good on you for going to that effort
“and do something against your bladder” against should be about
Was the Alexa part a question you actually tested out yourself irl to see what she would say? Either way, I actually laughed at this
Now’s probably a good time to ask where the parents are? Or are you going down the traditional episode route of having chill parents who are always out of town?
I’ve noticed there aren’t too many choices, but I feel like that’s only because I’m still in the pilot episodes and so you’re still setting up the story. But just be wary of it because episode is literally about choosing your own story.
That was some nice tension there with the wii game… You didn’t have me fooled because I was on to you, but I’m sure others will fall for it
Now after that fall I feel like the story description is starting to click. I should have picked up on it with your zooms at the beginning of each episode on his eyes, but I guess I wasn’t paying attention to his eye color. I see the display name has disappeared. I still don’t fully know what’s going on but I cheated and looked at your fanmail for spoilers so I think I’m on the same page now,
Ok, so every time there’s a fall, he switches, right? So technically in the dressing room way back in episode 1, should he have switched? Same question for the jump scare from his computer that caused him to fall…
Aha, the name Mr Alan suddenly makes sense! Finally!
A have a couple of final questions now…
- Does Alan have a whole secret bedroom attached to his room just for the Mr Alan guy?
- What exactly was the warning for at the beginning of episode 4? I didn’t really see anything out of the ordinary.
Anywho, I really enjoyed this despite not knowing what was going on half the time haha. I know my review probably sounds like I want you to put all the answers in episode 1, but now seeing the full picture I can appreciate the mystery you’ve added to it.
Small issue I have is with the author note at the very begging, it’s just a pet peeve of mine, but since you’re not doing it in every episode it’s not that bad. But I will still always suggest scrapping author notes because it ruins the illusion.
I noticed you have put it in the drama genre, and I you could switch it to comedy because a) I found it very funny throughout and b) stories actually tend to rank better in comedy because there’s less. So unless you’re about to take this somewhere real dark, I think it’s not an issue to change the genre just so your story is more visible on the app.