Hey Mimi,
I’ve just had a look at your story, I’ve actually had it on my list before I started helping Sasha, so I’ve been looking forward to reading it. Here’s my thoughts:
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I really like your covers
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In your first scene, the shade up transition doesn’t really work because it doesn’t actually transition to the next seen. A fade out or iris out would work better
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I like that you’ve put a choice early on, but the options weren’t really that different. It’s fine to have choices that don’t influence the ending, but try to avoid choices that look like:
a) yes
b) yeah
c) alright
See how they’re all basically the same thing? -
In the mall, two of the BG characters pop in. Try using the ‘&’ symbol when you place them so that they will start already in the scene
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I notice that while characters aren’t talking or doing anything, they’re just idle. To avoid this you can either animate them, or zoom in on the characters that the scene is focused on.
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Sometimes you are missing full stops at the end of your sentences
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At first, I was thinking all your characters were a little overdressed for school, but that actually makes a lot of sense when I think about your characterization of making them like the “popular” kids
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I like your plot, but if I think back to the opening scene, I didn’t get the bratty rich girl vibe from Alex straight away. she was staring at a guy across the halls, which seems more of a wall flower type of thing to do. Maybe you could change that a little to make her seem more spoilt?
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Your first episode was a little on the short side, but that is the case with a lot of first episodes. As time goes on and you write more episodes, you’re going to learn how to do a lot more things with coding and directing and when that happens, I urge you to revisit this episode and apply what you’ve learnt. I did it to my first story after I already had 11 chapters published. I just went back and added so much more in and it really helped with getting more reads
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Watch for your characters popping into the scene. Mentioning it again because I’m seeing it in episode 2 as well.
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I feel like Alex saying “how cliche” about the boy next door is an omen.
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I was right!
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When Alex is looking at the view and you cut to Travis, make sure when you go back to Alex’s room, you use &cut to zone 3. Otherwise it will show zone 1 for a second before going to zone 3
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Quick question: how old is Alex? I see cousins are 14, but is Alex older or same age?
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Lol at that moment where Alex can’t say thank you
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I like how you’ve set the story up. You’ve got the annoying younger cousin, the reasonable auntie, the 14 year old girl cousin she has to share a room with and the hot neighbor that thinks Alex is stuck up. I can see the potential for a lot of fights and drama, but also opportunity for family bonding and some really sweet moments
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In episode 3, Travis is suddenly all flirty with Alex, which is the complete opposite of how we left it in episode 2
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The pans between zone 1 and zone 2 at this part in episode 3 also get a bit tedious. After the first two, it’s better to just have it as cuts to zones
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Minor thing, but when Alex facetimes Maria, you should use a different animation so it looks like she’s got the video camera on. Otherwise it looks a bit weird when Travis comes back into the scene
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I curious to know what your plans are with this story. Is it going to be like a sitcom? I feel like it could totally work as one. Like having all these episodes of Alex struggling to do normal things like babysit for a few hours and not lose a baby (as in episode 3)
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Just noticed in your story description, it should be “an upscaled attitude”
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Whilst I’m all for MC’s coincidentally ending up in closets with their LI’s and subsequently have some will-they-won’t-they kiss moments, there’s a freaking baby lost somewhere!! They need to focus on the poor baby, not whether or not there’s flour on Alex’s face. Was actually screaming at my screen LOL
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However, I do like how that was resolved with Susan being under the table the whole time.
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My first note about your choices being the same has changed already I noticed. It was only that first choice that I felt the options were basically the same thing. All these other ones have been opposites
Ok, so I’ve reached the end. It’s definitely my type of story so I will continue with it when you update. Other than the few things I pointed out, I also want to suggest changing your genre to comedy. I actually found it way more funny than dramatic (and the almost kissing in the closet scene wouldn’t bother me as much if you classified this as a comedy) and stories tend to rank better there because there is less comedy stories than drama. I really suggest you try it, at least to see if it helps you get more readers