Honest Reviews for Your Stories! (CURRENTLY CLOSED TO CATCH UP)

Hello, I’m off work tomorrow and so I figured I would do some story reviews!

I will review your story in real time (meaning I will write what I’m thinking as it is happening). Than at the end I will give a summary review of what I think.

This will being happening tomorrow only (as of right now). Please use my form below. I will NOT rate a story if it contains strong themes that can be rated “R” if it was a movie. Strong language is fine, but I don’t want to read an erotica, anything about abuse, or anything of that sorts.

Also, if you would like, I would love for you to read my story, Year 2200.

My Story

Year 2200


Story Name:
Number of Chapters:

Wait List





I would love to!

Genre: Adventure/Fantasy/Comedy (If that makes sense)
Title: Save Me, Hero!
This story has 4 episodes.
I really hope you enjoy it!:heart::grin:

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Story Name: I will always find you.
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Number of Chapters:13
Thank you for making this thread. I will check out your story.

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TITLE: No Strings Attached
AUTHOR: Alyce Winter
GENRE: Drama, romance, mystery … all the good stuff
DESCRIPTION: You decide to get involved with an attractive stranger. What happens when you’re wrapped up in more drama than you can handle? So much for no strings…

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Title: A Spark of Hope

Author: J MO

Style: Limelight

Description: Your exboyfriend from the past moves back and your bestfriend of many years is not okay with. How will you handle the drama?

How many episode would I want you to read?

Three please. :wink:

Cover picture:

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5912047137980416

Additional Note:

You can play from two points of view in certain episodes!

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Title: Reckless

Author: MoonFlareStories

Genre: Romance, Comedy, Drama

Style: Limelight

Description: You’re off on your own in the city. But being young (and hired by a rich businessman to keep his affairs separate) it doesn’t take long for you to sweep up a giant mess cc cm

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5735134442422272



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  • First thing I read was about the golden choices effect the story. Personally I don’t like knowing that as a reader, I rather be suprised. This is a personal preference.
  • I would add a splash stating your episodes contain sound. I was startled from the music since I wasn’t expecting it. I almost woke the hubby!
  • “Sir, me nothing, let me see my wife” doesn’t make sense to me. I recommend changing this line.
  • When the husband goes into the room with his wife, he is going INCREDIBLY fast. I recomend slowing that down a lot. Unless he is a vampire, that would make sense, but I’m not sure that is this kind of story haha.
  • Weird, why wasn’t the husband allowed in the delivery room? Hopefully we find out why.
  • Why is a splash about warning in the middle of your story? I recommend it being placed at the beginning.
  • Love your cover, just recommend placing it at the beginning.
  • Oh, there is the splash for sound! Definitely already knew about the sound already though.
  • Okay, starting to understand this is a superhero story.
  • I love custom character creation! But I recommend having a better transition from the scene before to this one. With the background change it was to fast and I didn’t understand what was happening till the custom character stuff came up.
  • Hmmm. Interesting some of the characteristics are in the gold background. So choosing them effects the story? I’m going to choose some and not others to see what happens.
  • After I chose for Hero to be positive, the narrator box was close to her face. I recommend moving it down a bit.
  • So I chose my character to have pink hair. Unfortunately this made the dad have pink hair. What I do is when I have an elder person I want to look like, I chose a standard black or blond or brown for them. Then I allow the color to be changed on NATURAL colors. For dyed colors, such as pink, the parent will have the natural color I choose for them. Reason being it’s very odd to have a dad character with pink hair.
  • Get rid of the word “of” between mostly of excited.
  • Love the reader message! I feel more invested when I see these!
  • I’m wondering where the mother is. Will this be explained?
  • Cool notebook still!
  • In the car ride scene the dad’s hair is coming out the side. It looks odd, I recommend spot placing him a little down or to the left so this doesn’t happen.
  • I like the use of the iris transitions since they show time, but the other transitions are slightly annoying. A standard fade will be better.
  • Just want to say love your directing so far! Zooms and stuff are amazing.
  • Hero pops into the middle of the scene out of nowhere when they get to the new house. Is this supposed to happen?
  • Again, watch placement of speechbubbles…they are on your characters faces.
  • After Hero says “than onward” reset your zoom. Basically it holds a pause than you see the dad’s groin area walk across the screen.
  • I would rework the scene with the time jump to the next day. The cut happened at an unnatural spot. The dad was in the middle of talking and was like your going to school and BAM your sleeping. It was just a little awkward.
  • Hero got off the bed very odd. She stood on her bed to walk off it. I would recommend fixing.
  • Finished the first chapter! So much has happened…and we never found out what happened to her mom. Still hoping we find out soon!
  • When Hero goes to Bailey, she walks up close just to go back to where Bailey is standing. Just spot Hero next to her and have her walk straight across.
  • Wow, Bailey committed suicide? I’m not into books like this but I do have to say your animation with this was incredible. Great job in animating that.
  • Also, just realized there was no splash with the mature content. You will want this in every episode to warn about that. It could trigger someone.
  • I’m suprised Hero didn’t run after Bailey. She just stood where she was and didn’t try to stop her.
    *When Hero did run off the screen crying, there was a pause there but it lasted like 2 or 3 seconds before the fade. I think you only need a slight pause instead of a long one.
  • Welp there’s that mature splash again, after the fact.
  • When Hero walks back to walk on the gravel in front of the school she is spot placed smaller than the kids in the background. I think she should be slightly bigger especially since she is almost as tall as her adult dad.
  • Why are there little kids in the hallway? As a 16 year old, Hero would be in high school, which most children have gone through puberty already.
  • Woah. Super zoomed in the next scene where I was waiting 2 or 3 beats, and than a giant head appeared. Then while it was talking, the speech bubble covered his eye and half his face was out of the frame. I recommend unzooming a tad.
  • “Yes you are” speech bubble pointer is facing the wrong way.
  • Haha when you made fun of yourself about the turtles.
  • I would have Hero walk up to the Principle for the schedule. She says here you go but is half a room apart and Hero just says thanks and walks away.
  • I would recommend zooming up to the guy as you customize him instead of changing the background…it makes me feel disengaged with the story.
  • Maybe have Hero face left why she daydreams about the guy being hot.
  • What does Shiz mean? Not familiar.
  • I like how you did the repeat what I told you flashes of the characters. Just watch, the speech bubbles are right on their faces.
  • When the girls are talking about clubs, I would create an overlay with the header clubs and then scribbles for a list and stick it to the board. It would make the story more believable.
  • Watch your speech bubbles with the clubs. You can tell you are using the reset automatic placement for them because the pointers are facing one side, just at different angles. This makes it look like Hero should be talking the entire time instead of the friend.
  • Who are these Axel and Jax characters? Will we have a proper introduction soon?
  • Watch capitilization when Juliet is talking. I noticed a line or two that wasn’t correct.
  • Spot place the audience better in the Romeo/Juliet scene. It looks like they are standing on the seats instead of sitting.
  • Okay seriously. Why are these guys stalking Hero haha.
  • Oh SHIT they abducted her!!!
  • I would make your transitions faster, all of them are rather slow.
  • Oh good, a disclaimer on why there weren’t many choices. Choices are the reason I read these stories lol.
  • I like the buttons about opening eyes, but I don’t understand the moving background. What was the point when there was nothing else on the screen, and then Hero wakes in a different room altogether?
  • Hero stood up on the bed again and ran off it, it looks odd.
  • When Hero is yelling at Jax you zoom in. It looks like Jax was still talking when Hero was. Also, Hero’s body was half cut off due to the animations. Unzoom a tad.
  • Insert Splash comment from above here.
  • Okay, putting myself in the Hero’s shoes. She just got kidnapped, and has a chance to scream and let the checkout clerk know. Why isn’t she trying to run away? This doesn’t make sense? Maybe have Axel behind her holding a gun and threatening to shoot if she made a sound. Much more believable.
  • Ahhhh Axel is her older brother. That explains his pink hair… I just thought you randomly gave this character pink hair. I would do the same with what I suggested with the dad about dyed hair color.
  • I would recommend having Axel and Hero walk to meet the group together instead of one by one.
  • “I even, I knew” does not make sense grammatically.
  • Woohooo! FINALLY found out the burning question about what happened to the mom!
  • “A him and a group of friends” does not sound correct.
  • “A about 2 hours…” doesn’t sound correct.
  • A few questions I’m wondering (after the list of questions). 1) Does the dad know where Hero is. 2) Why is Axel telling her know that she is his brother. 3) Why are they bringing people back to shadesville (or whatever the original place was called lol).
  • Hero was laying on the bed after the flashback with Bailey. Then she popped out of the scene and reappeared on the other size of the zone.
  • Why is Hero in the backseat? Shouldn’t she be in the passenger seat of the car?
  • I like the option for a recap of the chapters. I’m reading incase I missed anything.
    *I think you mean much not must.
  • “So why the fudge are getting angry…” I think you are missing a word.
  • To many B’s in bitches.
  • That’s sad that Axel messed with the dad’s mind.
  • Ohhh who is Evelyn? Is she a mind changer too?
    *Oh snap…I think she is the blue fairy.
  • You would think that Hero would want her father’s memories back no?
  • Oh and was Hero supposed to trip over Axel when she ran out the house?
  • Who are the two characters hmmm.
  • After the group finds the girl that switches things, she runs away super fast. I would slow her running down since she doesn’t have.rbat power.
  • “Weight should easy to lift up” is missing a word.
  • “I have brother that wiped my mind” is missing a word.

Okay, finished reading the 4 chapters. These are my final thoughts:
Please work on the speech bubbles. Your zooms and directions are amazing and your story would be amazing if the bubbles weren’t covering your character faces. Have the warning splashes at the beginning of the episodes. Your chapters are a great length. I would have more meaningful choices in your story as it makes it more interesting. The plot line is interesting.

Keep up the good work. With more polishing your story will be great!

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Story Name: Dreams and Nightmares
Genre: Romance
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5452320906543104
Number of Chapters: 16, ongoing

1 Like

Story title: Teacher or Queen?
Author: Mystique
Genre: drama
Episodes published: 13
Description: After years of searching she had finally found them. Can she get close to them?
Her destiny is about to change forever. What will she choose - who will she become?

1 Like

I’ll definitely check out your story, looks interesting :slight_smile: Here’s mine:

Title: CYBER
Author: Vivi
Style: Limelight
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Chapters: 3 (ongoing)
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4657138351603712

1 Like


  • This is the first time I’ve seen a “Trailer” for a story, let alone as a chapter. If I didn’t have unlimited reads right now, I would be kind of bumed, and I’m not sure I would continue since you state the actual story doesn’t start till episode two.
  • I like the custom backgrounds! Very creative.
  • I would recommend a splash stating there is sound, as I was startled when music started playing.
  • I LOVE your opening with the animations of the letters. However, I recommend making it a little faster.
  • The blinking “NO ESCAPE!” is half on the screen, half not (android user here).
  • Great character placement in the cabin scene. I love when characters look like they are sitting on chairs in the background, it makes it look more realistic!
  • Woah, did my screen light die or is this the scene? I can barely see the characters!
  • Opps, no, just the scene. I would recommend lighting it up just a hair!
  • Capitalize the word “Get”.
  • Capitalize the word “Why”.
  • The truth is? But we never find out? Ohhh the suspense.
  • Just want to point out great use of overlays, but I’m not going to lie, I’m so lost on what is happening on the plot right now. Like one minute she’s with her family, and her mom is freaking out for Linda sleeping in her brothers room, next she is talking to a friend and has a bruise on her face, and then she’s with Matthew again. I’m very lost on what is happening…
  • There are a lot of spots already that the characters appear to be talking, and there are no speechbubbles. Like Matthew asks “Did you sleep with him” and then nothing, just them looking like their talking. Sleep with who? Did she do it? So lost!
  • Personally I don’t like the readerMessages to say stuff that doesn’t relate to the story (unless they are giving credit for something) Personal preference.
  • Should say “you’re welcome guys”.
  • When Charlie speaks for the first time the text is in white, on a white background. I can’t make out what it says.
  • Same with Joe.
  • Ugh, same with Lawrence. Why did you choose white text? These bubbles do not make any sort of sense to me.
  • Is this a kinda of story that centralizes around abuse? If so, I will not be continuing, as this is a trigger story that had no warning.
  • Oh snap, I forgot this was a trailer…no wonder I’m so freaking confused!
  • Un-capitalize the word “Please” since it is not the first word in a sentence.
  • Capitalize the word “Let’s” in “Let’s go!”.
  • Okay, so I was really confused by this whole trailer episode…especially because half way through I remembered it was a trailer and not a regular episode.

Unfortunately, I cannot continue with your review of chapters. I started chapter two, which I’m happy you had a warning about mature content (I suggest you place this in the first episode). However, this warning, mixed with the suggestions of abuse I noticed in the first episode, this is not the type of story I would like to read (trigger story). Please let me know if I got this completely wrong as a first impression, and I will gladly pick up with where I left off.

I do have to say, the first chapter’s length was great! When it said trailer in the beginning, I thought it would only be like a minute or two…but it was the length of what I would call a full chapter. So bravo!

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The good thing that the first chapter episodes lets us read it for free, so we don’t waste tickets. :blush:
I did the trailer/teaser.

  1. For the person to get an idea what the story will be about. And from there they can decide If they want to continue or not. I will be re-editing my story. That is why I have been asking for reviews to see where I am lacking. Also, not every story is for everyone. The story does have abuse but there is more than just abuse, the abuse is kept to a minimum since it’s not the main focus. It won’t show until later on the episode. Like episodes, 20 or 25. The characters were talking and no speech bubbles showed is because of its a teaser. Also, the words that are left blank. Is because the name of the person is kept unknown until its time to reveal who it is. I do appreciate you taking your time for reading chapter 1 And pointing out some flaws that I can improve. I have ideas to improve the trailer. So the person can remember its a trailer. Thank you again for taking your time. :blush:
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  • Woohoo! Love character customization. I notice you have a lot of the limelight hairstyles left out.
  • You should have a splash to warn about sound.
  • Yea for choices! I love a story with a lot of them :slightly_smiling_face:
  • When the MC is sleeping, and Jon is there with the package…the speech bubble is turned towards her like as if the MC is talking. I recommend having the pointer not facing MC.
  • Is this a start to a porno? A delivery driver drops off a package to you? haha
  • Oh good, a dream! I was like I hope this isn’t that kinda story haha.
  • Did Jon’s original name say Valet in the first scene or am I imagining that? Because now it says Jon for sure.
  • So you have a slight problem with your choices. A choice you asked previously was, watch Lion King or go to sleep. I chose to go to sleep…but now Jon is saying he heard me playing the Lion King in the hallway. I would fix this, especially because they are having a full blown convo about the Lion King…and I didn’t choose this choice.
  • Excellent length of the chapter!
  • Love your cover splash! I must have missed it in episode 1, but caught it on episode 2.
  • Is Milani a friend of MC or a boss? I feel like this is inappropriate work talk haha…opps answered my question!
  • So Milani says she doesn’t know the guy, yet he’s not a poster boy. How would she know this if she didn’t know him? Either we will find out, or a plot hole.
  • The pointer is facing away from MC when she is dreaming in her office.
  • Have to say I love your overlays and directing, spot on!
  • Okay, now we got another person named Valet. Are Valet and Jon not the same person? I’m confused!
  • Okay, now this guy’s is named Leon. I would recommend having it says Leon instead of Valet as to not confuse the readers like me.
  • OH MY LANTA! I love the overlay box and it moved as she walked! That was amazing directing and cleaver too! I thought you were going to just the box that Episode has. Loved it!
  • Ewww definitely creepy! I do not want any part of a random guy sending me gifts to my home. Flowers at work are one thing, but not these two boxes. I wouldn’t show up anywhere at 8 pm if I didn’t know who I was meeting. Let’s see what MC decides!
  • So does Milani work for MC? Like as in MC is her boss? It didn’t seem this way in episode 1 so I’m confused.
  • YES! You gave the MC a chance to NOT go meet the creep!! I took it, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere where I didn’t know the person.
  • Is MC wearing the outfits that the mystery creep sent to her? Weird, but I love the pink one! :wink:
  • OH MY GOSH! CLIFFHANGER ALERT! Who did MC stand up? Must. Find. Out.
  • Oh wow, I forgot I customized this Noah person. LMFAO.
  • So not too much mystery, it was her ex. Interesting…
  • Why is MC walking away from her car? I thought she was supposed to meet Jon.
  • Side not. Never go back to an ex. It isn’t worth it and they never change.
  • Love your club scene! That must have taken a lot to code. One thing is when you zoom on MC she says “Small get together, huh?” you can see a background guy. He is not moving, just standing there still. I would have him idle in the background so it’s more realistic.
  • When the words “The night’s coming to an end…” Jon and MC kinda slide apart, not walk. It looked weird.
  • Also, I like that you’re sizing the speech bubbles, but the DJ’s font is on the smaller size. It’s slightly hard to read, or I’m just getting old haha.
  • Love the up close of MC and Jon dancing. Nicely directed.
  • DJ is talking but his lips aren’t moving. I’m not familiar with the animation so there may not be one, but if there is I would change it.
  • Love your disclaimer about not drinking and driving! That’s a great lesson to place into a story.
  • Also, when the choice for the kiss came up, I always pick don’t kiss to see if the writer just makes them do it anyways (because a majority do). I was pleasantly surprised that you didn’t have MC kiss Jon. Way to go.
  • When you have the scene with the boss and the guy is on the phone, the speech bubble isn’t pointed towards the phone as it should be.

All in all, I found your story fun to read! I can’t wait for the next episode and plan on tuning in. Your story is well thoughout and written. Your directing is amazing and only had a few errors. The main one being the first choice about going to bed and not watching Lion King.

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No problem at all! I hope my review was somewhat helpful for you! Yes, the main thing I think is remembering it was a trailer throughout the entire episode. That was one of biggest issues lol.

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I’m currently working on an intro as if the story is a TV show, so there will be a sound warning prior to.

I fixed this recently! She makes a point to mention that she uses it as “background noise” to fall asleep (because she can’t sleep in silence), so when he brings the box, she’s asleep; but it is playing. So later, he brings it up because, well, who the hell sleeps with a loud TV on?

Def. not a plot hole lol. Everything comes together including the relationship between MC & Milani lol

She actually goes back inside because she changes her mind about the party. (then he calls her while she’s going back in, blah blah)

The relationship between MC and Noah is 1000% up to the reader.

I totally forgot about the names! I’ll fix that now.

The background guy is an overlay lol. Didn’t want to have too may characters and make the animations freeze up.

I have NO! CLUE! how to fix the sliding. I’ve tried everything :sob:

Speech bubbles are still a toss up for me, considering this is my first story lol… which is also why I get super excited for compliments on directing. It means I’m doing something right! :rofl::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Thank you so much for the review! I’ll start fixing the errors (specifically these bubbles :roll_eyes:) right now!

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  • Love your splashes, and the warning of sound! YES!
  • Haha the disclaimer about it being fiction. Did someone think it wasn’t before? Is that the reason for the disclaimer?
  • You suggest to the reader to pick short hairstyles for the story to make sense. I would get rid of this disclaimer because you have the other hair lengths locked. Which, by the way, I have NEVER seen before. How did you do this!? Please tell me!!! I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW!
  • This is the first time I let them pick what the mom looks like. Is there a reason for this? You can just code it for the mom to change skin tone / eyes / mouth / etc while the person creates the MC.
  • Same goes with the coding for the dad. I love the custom characterization, but this is a little much in my opinion.
  • Did Ren have a speaking action for when he said “If you die!” because I didn’t see one.
  • When Nylah is talking about her friend, is she thinking all of these things? Or talking? Because her lips are moving, but there is no speech bubble pointer.
  • I would recommend in zooming more into Nylah or Ren’s face or just focus it a little way down. Half the screen is just the sky.
  • It’s kind of annoying the camera consistently moves back and forth between the two characters when we can see both in the frame at the same time together.
  • You spelled Shit like Sh-t. Is there a reason why? If you don’t want to curse you can say shucks or something. But half saying a curse word is just as bad, plus we all know what it is supposed to say, so might as well say it.
  • Ahhh, Harry Potter reference. Love me some HP.
  • Should be spelled That’s not thats.
  • Same with the word ass instead of axx. See reference above with shit. Substitute with the non-curse word butt.
  • I feel like this sentence needs rewording “I just can think of one day, something bad happens, and you’re not here with me.” Something is sounding off.
  • Anymore is one word, not two.
  • It’s not its.
  • You have two like’s in a row in the sentence “I don’t like like when your sick”. And it’s the wrong type of your, it should be you’re.
  • So is Ren and Nylah just friends or are they dating? They said I love you, so I wasn’t sure.
  • That exchange was rather wordy with not a lot going on. I have a scene like that in my story too (because sometimes you just have to get the point across) but I would fix the zooms. I felt motion sickness going back and forth the entire time.
  • I think you can get rid of the word “here” in the sentence about Ren visiting MC in the hospital.
  • Why was there a readerMessage saying “Really Ren?” I don’t get it.
  • “Thats a personal question” you need an apostrophe on That’s.
  • During the exchange between the nurse, Ren, and Nylah, the speech bubble is rather small.
  • Oh thank goodness, Ren said worry about the patients. I was wondering why a pregnant lady clearly in labor was just by herself with no one to help her.
  • “Yes Ren hugs me goodbye” I’m pretty sure be “Yes, Ren hugs me goodbye”.
  • There’s the answer to my earlier boyfriend question!
  • God only has one D.
  • “everyones” need to say “everyone’s”
  • I clicked to fast, did the nurse just say “Its half 8?” If so, it should say “It’s half past 8”.
  • During the clothing game, MC’s hand goes weird, like it’s upside down on her face or something.
  • It went fast, but it looked like in the cafe scene, the person in the hijab was overlapping someone that should have been layered in front of her.
  • Nice overlay for the food!
  • So it just cut with the zone of the girl in a hijab…I’m not sure if it was a person or the chair that I saw earlier…but it’s definitely a chair now. It needs to be overlayed on top of her or the girl moved to the left to not hit the chair. This will make it more realistic.
  • Ren’s monologue is see-through over the food. This makes it incredibly difficult to read.
  • What happened with the scream? Kinda confused?
  • Ugh, back to the seesaw of camera movements between Ren and Nylah.
  • Yes I do,! only should have 1 punctuation.
  • “It coming from my mouth Nylah” doesn’t sound correct in my ears.
  • Wait, is Michael a doctor? If so, how old are these people…I thought they were in high school, but yet she’s dating a doctor (or dated) a doctor?
  • Woah, that was a long episode! I forgot that was all in episode 1.
  • Episode 2, first line when mom speaks, the pointers are at the dad. I would slide the speech bubble over to the right.
  • Incorrect grammar with “Its feels good to see you again!”
  • The speech bubble is pointed at the dad when Ren is talking.
  • You have an s on mines when it should just be mine.
  • “Rens secret girlfriend” needs to say “Ren’s”.
  • The mom is talking whilst Ren is saying “I’ll call you okay!”
  • Now we are going back and forth with Nylah and Michael. This gives me the spins. One or two times is fine, but I would change it to so it doesn’t happen every time, or at least set the time to 0 and not any seconds.
  • Personal preference, I don’t like chat speak in stories as it’s not very believable, especially when a doctor is speaking. Referring to “BTW”.
  • “Shes is a friend of Ren” either take off the s from Shes, or add an apostrophe on she’s and get rid of is.
  • Add an apostrophe on Ren’s.
  • Who is Ronald Krumps? I’ve never heard of him?
  • I’m very confused every time you use readerMessages…I don’t understand?
  • There is a random apostrophe after the word “know”.
  • If the girl is Ren’s friend wouldn’t Ren be invited to the party too?
  • Okay cool, so Ren knows about the party too…just making sure!
  • Need an apostrophe in It’s for the line “It’s a pink made especially for male clothing”. and for the line “And it’s the color scheme for your party”.
  • For your clothing game the choice “Try a different style!” doesn’t do anything.
  • The close up with Nona and Clarissa is like before. With the constant focus change, it gives me a headache. I would make the timing 0. Also, the focus is off…most of the screen is the window at the top.
  • Need an apostrophe in “he’s”.
  • Great animation for the car coming into the woods!
  • The teen in pink with a pink bow pops into the scene out of nowhere (doesn’t walk or anything just appears).
  • One of your background characters is wearing the same shirt as Nylah to the party. Is this intentional? It is the pink shirt with eyes.
  • Still think its odd that a doctor, who would obviously be old enough to at least be a resident, would be at a teen party?
  • Curse word F–K should say fuck. Or non-curse word should say, Fudge. Everyone knows what word you are trying to say, so you might as well put the entire thing.
  • What does “df” mean?
  • Again, as stated before, personal preference is not to use shorthand like “wtf”.
  • You need to move Nylah a layer back for the line “You guys don’t have to do this!” She is standing on Michaels’ leg.
  • Okay, that was confusing…one minute he was punching Michael, the next Nylah says “Jail”. I think you need a better transition here.
  • “Chief says he free to go” is not grammatically correct.
  • During the line “Ren!! Put your foot down!” Ren is still talking.
  • Need apostrophe in “Nylah’s”.
  • Also, wouldn’t Ren’s father have been called since he is a teen?
  • During the sentence “I called her, sorry…” Policeman is talking
  • During the sentence “Lets head to my office…” Nylah is speaking. Also, you need an apostrophe in let’s.
  • Okay great! We finally got a confirmed age of Ren, and that explains why his parents were not called at the station originally.
  • Apostrophe needed in “What’s”
  • Apostrophe needed in “It’s”
  • Another apostrophe needed in “It’s”. Remember, It’s is a contraction of “it is” or “it has.” Its is a possessive determiner we use to say that something belongs to or refers to something. I always read “It is…” if that makes sense, use it’s. If it doesn’t, use its. Example:
    This cheese is past its expiration date. It doesn’t make sense to say This cheese is past it is expiration date. Hopefully, this helps!
  • Your “bubbly” outfit is the same outfit Nylah wore last night to the party. I would change this.
  • Apostrophe needed in “That’s”.
  • You have a period after a question mark. You only need the question mark.
  • You forgot the letter o for the word on.
  • Need an apostrophe in “That’s”. Thats is not a real word.
  • You have double punctuation with !. You only need one.
  • Need an apostrophe in “what’s”
  • Need an apostrophe in “mom’s”.
  • Need an apostrophe in “can’t”
  • You need to move the bag of veggies back a layer. It looks like Nylah is behind them instead of in front of them.
  • The last episode was the perfect length! Not as long as the first two, but not to short either. It was perfect!

So, unfortunately, this story isn’t for me. Mixed with the first two super long chapters, it was tough to get through, to be honest. I had to keep trucking through the three chapters. I’m sure other people would love this story though! It’s just not my cup of tea. One thing I would really work on is your apostrophe’s and ending your sentences with the correct punctuations. I would also fix the speech bubbles in the areas I mentioned above. Good luck with the rest of your story!

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No problem at all! I would ask @Dara.Amarie about the sliding thing. She is AMAZING at coding! She might be able to help with it.


  • Wow first animation overlay (the car in the street) was amazing! Great directing!
  • I recommend zooming on MC face when we get to create her. This allows the user to see the face better which is what we are customizing.
  • Yes! Love that you have my favorite hair style in customizing, the Shoulder Braid and Full Pigtail!
  • Also, instead of putting “YOU” as the name, you should code it so the name we give our character pops up. Search the forums, that is how I found the correct code to do this :slight_smile:
  • I believe each other is two words, no?
  • Wow, compared to the recent stories I read, this chapter was super short. I think chapter 1 was shorter than I would like, but I’ll let you know as I go along.
  • OHHHH tappables!! YESSS I’m in love with this feature!!!
  • Don’t need a space in between o and r in the word or.
  • Oh my goodness! I LOVE when episodes are like a little game! I’m excited for this story for sure!
  • How in the word do you do the locked choices? I must figure this out, because it’s amazing!
  • Should it say “photograph assignment” or “photography assignment”? I think it should be a y, but not 100%.
  • Is Hazel supposed to be taller than Brandon? With the line “Are we still on for tonight” she is spot placed to be taller. Just want to make sure this wasn’t a mistake.
  • I’ve noticed so far that you don’t end your sentences with punctuation. I would try to fix that.
  • You used the wrong “made” in the sentence “So you’re screwing your made, too”. It should be “maid”. Also, plot hole, wouldn’t the maid know about the other girls already because she cleans for Brandon?
  • No need to capitalize “Eight”.
  • Okay, another short chapter. I think if you combine chapter 1 and 2 that would be a perfect length.
  • I have to say I love this interactive closet. How did you do this?
  • Instead of the Lie 1/2/3 I would have the lie be the choice, so we know what we are saying before we say it.
  • Oh my goodness! I love this game! Adding your story to my favorites for sure. (I love interactive games like this.)
  • An apostrophe is needed in the word “here’s”.
  • Unless it’s just my screen, when the sentence goes “What gets you distracted the easiest” MC is standing at the table and not sitting down. And the camera is not on her face but the two drinks they are sipping.
  • Okay, did I walk into the wrong story? I’m seeing a Jocelyn and a gang scene or something right now?
  • Oh wow, it was a tv show she was watching haha. I shut my Episode Interactive app down thinking I opened up the wrong story, but when it loaded it again, it went right back into it…so I just kept playing. HAHAHA
  • In the scene with background people in the rain, one of the people in zone 1 is floating in the middle of the window and now on the ground.
  • If only we could customize people without tattoos, that’s what this game needs. But who is this mystery guy we are customizing…hmmm!
  • Wrong kind of meet, needs to be meat.
  • This sentence isn’t correct “I suppose to you will”
  • During the text message, MC is showing at the thumb. Is there a reason for this?

Okay, so first off, I LOVE this story! I love that we get money for the good job we do, or lose it if we do a terrible job. It’s so fun! A few main things to work on: 1) make your chapters longer. I didn’t want to stop reading and they ended so fast! 2) Work on your punctuation. A lot of your sentences don’t end in periods. Your story was amazing and I added it to my favorites, I can’t wait till the next chapter comes out!

Thanks you!! :blush:

The reason I put a disclaimer is because people usually complain when a story isn’t realistic. So I’m letting them know that its fiction (and a product of my imagination) therefore certain parts of the story may or may not meet the realistic requirements.

Yeah, the other hair lengths are locked, but they will have the option to choose other hairstyles in the future. (Dara A. Marie has a template that is updated on her linktree account)

The reason I let them customize their parents are because I usually hate stories that automatically create the parent because they end up looking like poop, the color is usually a bit off and they look ugly. For example, in a story I chose pink hair for my character and the Dad ended ip having pink hair. They end up looking nothing like the main character in my opinion. Also, the parents play a big role in my story along with the other characters.

The lips moving and characters not talking lol. I have to explain this, but have you ever watched a movie and the main character is narrating over their own actions (whether it is lauging, walking, or interacting with friends… thats what I was going for). Also with the mom talking while Ren said “I’ll call you”. She is talking to the Dad, (for example in plays where the background characters talk but you cant hear them because they’re focusing on the main character… or when you have background characters in your story and they are talking to another character)

The reason I spelled curse word with the dashes is because When you read it, I want you to read it in your mind as the actual curse words but I don’t want it to be shown in the dialogue as the full word. And I also don’t want to use fudge and butt because that sound weird and for example Ren is a bad ass, he’ll look weird being angry and saying “What the fudge?” Lol . I’ve seemn stories where people use symbols in for the rest if the word. Its just a preference.

Yes, I LOVE HARRY POTTER TOO :tired_face::heart: I watch every single one every halloween!!

Btw, thank you! I know I made a lot of grammatical errors from typing fast and not really thinking properly when wording sentences. strong textI will correct those errors asap.

The reason I said “really Ren” is because he said “please dont see me” but he was standing in the wide open and the nurse was on the side of him. So it was stupid of him to think she would not see him. Anytime I use a readers message I’m usually reaponding to the last dialogue spoken.

I’m from the caribbean so we say “its half 8”. Its just dialect.

The scream- Ren screamed because Nylah doesn’t eat bacon :joy:. He is weird and unpredictable at times.

About Nylah and Michael ages and relationships etc. Nylah is 17, she is going to be turning 18 sometime throughout the story, Ren is 18 and Michael is 22. He graduated the 12th grade at the age of 16 (So did I lol) and graduated college at 22 ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD NOW BUT IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE IN THE FUTURE EPISODES).

Ronald Krumps is “Donald Trump”. I didn’t want his name in the story but I wanted to reference how he always says “huuggggeee” and also beause it is a product of my imagination.

Michael wasn’t invited to the party but he is still young. He only came there to look for Nylah and apologize for being unprofessional. He is also friends with Jonas ( Rens drummer) so he knew she would possibly be there.

When Ren said “Jail”, the party scene ended because I used a transition to fade out and the scene cut to him at the police station. Certain shows and movies do this, to make it more dramatic. I didnt think I had to explain anything or put any more information because he literally knocked the guy out therefore he ended up at the police station lol.

“Lets head to my office” - the scene was focusing on the mom and the police at the time. Nylah and Ren were having there own concersation at the time. Thats why as soon as the mom and the police left. The dialogue began with Nylah and Ren because the scene is focusing on them now. Lol, again its just a technique I use. A lot of other people understood what was happening when I did that.

I hope you can understand some of the things you were confused about. Thanks a lot for the review and the feedback. I will correct those errors right away! Sorry if it isnt your cup of tea. God bless!

Lol btw, “DF” means Da fuck.


Oh btw, they said I love you in a brotherly/sisterly way. Thats why i gave them neutral animations instead of the flirtacious ones. :grin:

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