Story Name:Last night
Number of Chapters: 2-3 (as of now)
Story Name:Last night
@JMO thank you for explaining everything! Those were the live thoughts that were going through my mind as I was reading, I hope it wasn’t to tough!
@Thelols4 I’m no longer taking stories at this moment.
Anything that can help me improve my story is good feedback to me! I love that you are honest though! I went back and I saw everything you pointed out. Thank you so much!!
Wow! Thank you so much! Sometimes stupid typos and such pop up because my hands type faster than my brain can keep up with lol And thank you so much for pointing out all the errors! I’m going to go fix them now And yeah I’ve been super busy and so I wanted the chapters out and not worried about anymore but I’m defiantly working on making them longer
In order to make a locked choice the syntax goes like this:
NARRATOR This option is locked!
Took me a bit but I just went through and fixed all these errors! All I have to do now is go punctuate everything (yay that’s gunna take forever) but thank you sooooo much for the review!
- Personal preference, I’m not a fan of author notes, it takes away from the story.
- Spelled Second wrong
- Un-capitalize the word “Called” unless the show is called “Called Star”. I would maybe italicize “Star” since it is the name of a TV show.
- “Which Is Awesome By the Way” is there a reason the words are capitalized?
- Capitalize September since it’s a month.
- “Thats Right B*itches you better”. Again, only capitalize the right word, and add an apostrophe to That’s since thats is not a word. Also, if you don’t want to curse, I recommend changing the word completely.
- Apostrophy in “I’m” as it is the contraction for I am.
- “Anyways I hope You Enjoy.” Why are you capitalizing the words in the middle of the sentence?
- Your splash was on the screen for 1 second. I couldn’t read it. I would do @pause for a beat a few times for it to be on the screen longer.
- Okay, so I’ve noticed every other speech bubble has words that are capitalized that should not be. I’m just going to stop commenting on them, and recommend you go back and fix it.
- I need to be capitalized.
- Apostrophe in “I’m”.
- Apostrophe in “Aren’t” and “I” needs to be capitalized.
- Wrong type of “your”. It needs to be you’re as in you are.
- Another apostrophe in “I’m”.
- I’m going to stop commenting about the apostrophe’s since I’m seeing them in every other speech bubble. I recommend going back and fixing your spelling / grammar mistakes like this throughout your chapters.
- You spelled “Fucking” like “F*ucking”. Either write the non-curse word “Fudging” or spell it out completely since everyone already knows what you are trying to say.
- Another “Your” needing to be “You’re”.
- Spelled damn wrong.
- You needs to be your.
- “B*tch” should be bitch or a non-curse word “girl”.
- Also, calling a teacher a “bitch” should cause for more than just detention? Also, Miss should be capitalized.
- During the part with the dad looking for “Julie”, some of the scenes go from day to night without a time change. I recommend fixing the background to be all daytime.
- The overlay is on top of Star during the line “Might as well perform”. You need to bring Star to layer 1 and move the overlay to -1. You also spelled perform wrong.
- I’m sorry, I just have to point out…you literally capitalize all the letters until the words that actually SHOULD be capitalized, then you have them lowercase? Why? It makes reading almost impossible.
So I finished chapter 1. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to continue because it’s very difficult to read with the number of errors in the spelling and the overall grammar. I HIGHLY recommend going back and putting apostrophes where they should go, and fix your lines so they have a first letter being capital, and the rest lowercase, except those that should be capitalized. Also, your directing could use a bit of work.
It happens to the best of us! I’m excited for the rest of your story!
Of course, it was my pleasure!
- You have a splash stating it contains mature themes, and then you have a narrator box that says the same thing. Do you need both?
- I was confused during the line “Girl! Why isn’t my lunch ready?!” It is in a narrator box, but it seems like someone should be saying it? Maybe make it a regular speech bubble box, and have the pointer point down as if towards the door. This will make it a little less confusing for the reader.
- Some of your sentences do not have punctuation on them. For instance “I need to buy her clean clothes”. There is no period or anything.
- Is Ric changing MC into a prostitute right now?
- Oh no, not a prostitute? Is she getting sex-trafficked? I’m not sure this will be my type of story…we will see what happens.
- Are there going to be choices in this game? So far, Scarlet changed outfits twice, but we didn’t get to choose. It wouldn’t make sense for the 2nd one, but maybe the first one, have the user choose which outfit Ric wants her to wear.
- Missing a period after Mr.
- Dave’s lips don’t move with the sentence “So maybe I should just…”
- Again, need a period after Mr.
- “Who’s this guy, you can just buy humans” doesn’t sound grammatically correct to me? Something just seems off, and I could be wrong, but reading it out loud seems off.
- I like your disclaimer about the episodes being longer because this one was on the shorter side. I also like your disclaimer about the mature themes not getting easier. I will see if I stick through this since I don’t like reading abusive stories.
- Jason’s lips are not moving during the line “I just bought you to bring…” and the following line “So just tell me where…”
- Nice spotting directing on the bed.
- Same suggestion when Mary talks. I would have the speech bubble pointer towards the door as if she was talking to you from the other room. It’s confusing when you are using the narrated box for Scarlet’s inner thoughts.
- Mary’s lips don’t move when she says “Everything will be alright…”
- I don’t think I have seen any zooms yet. A perfect place to zoom in would be when Scarlet is on the bed right after Mary leaves.
- Liam’s lips don’t move during the line “If she’s just any girl…”
- Okay, I am going to stop commenting on characters lips. It seems like if they have more than one line in a row, you don’t add another talking animation. Either using a looping animation, or multiple talking animations for each line. It makes the story seem more realistic if they look like they are talking.
- Jason is speaking when Scarlet says “Yes sir”. And I believe there should be a comma in between Yes, Sir. But I could be wrong on that one.
- Oh yes! Clothes games
- Should say “These clothes seem new”. You should use these since you are referring to more than one article of clothing.
- Last time I’ll mention this…when you are having a character talk from a different room, have the speech bubble pointer point towards the door. This will help the reader know what is Scarlet’s internal thoughts vs other people talking.
- So why is Lola okay with human trafficking? I’m so lost on this. Hopefully, it is explained.
- I think you should have it written “Please no” not “Please not”.
- The line “No, I can trust nobody”. Shouldn’t it read “No, I can’t trust nobody”?
- Nice switch from day to night in the bedroom!
- It looks weird when Jason is waking Scarlet up from the nightmare. I would spot place him further towards the bed so it doesn’t look like a giant is waking a small person.
- Unless it was just my phone, it looked weird when Scarlet when from the bed to screen right. It was like she stood on the bed and then walked.
- I would recommend naming your outfits, instead of just 1-2-3 etc.
- There was an awkward waiting when Lola, Scarlet and then Liam goes into the kitchen. I would have Lola and Scarlet walk in together and then Liam.
- Did Lola really just ask why she was in foster care when Scarlet JUST said she hasn’t laughed since losing her parents. Why else would she be in foster care? Not like Scarlet would be in it for fun haha.
- Should say “These wounds” not “Those wounds” since they belong to Scarlet.
- I feel like Lola and Jason both said they can bring her back to her foster father. Why wouldn’t Scarlet agree to that and tell them a different address? She could have escaped the human traffickers!
- Oh wow, a character named “Anne” and spelled with an “e”. Haven’t seen too many of them, and that’s my middle name. Always appreciate when people spell it with an “e”. (The little things in life haha).
- Possibly switch back to the prostitute / victim of human trafficking (still not 100% sure which it is yet) as she is walking over to Jason do the follow code to have the screen pan with her while she walks, instead of just dead air while she walks.
- You only need the word should or better but not both.
- During the dream, maybe switch the colors to black and white to distinguish between and a dream and what is happening outside of the dream.
- I love that Jason says “You don’t have to be afraid here” yet he literally bought her for money which is the exact definition of either a prostitute or human trafficking. So I feel like she shoulddd be afraid of him. No?
- I think you spelled color wrong.
- I called Mary, but Liam showed up. Was that supposed to happen?
- During the sentence “Alright, lay down now…” Scarlet is behind Mary, but she is so much larger than Mary.
Okay, I finished the first three episodes for the review. It is an interesting concept, and I might continue reading JUST to find out why they are buying girls. A few things, I don’t recall ANY zooms on the characters. I think this will help your story tremendously with making it more interesting to read. Add some meaningful choices for the reader to select. When the car scene was happening, I selected the option NOT labeled to jump out of the car, but that is what the character did anyways. Then I picked Mary to help me when I feel in the hallway, but Liam showed up. I think you should have more choices that help impact the story and make it more engaging for the reader. I do have to say, out of all the stories I have read on this thread, yours seem the best in terms of punctuation and grammar. I would also fix the boxes when people are speaking but they are in the narrator box. It is a little confusing to follow when it’s set up like that.
Omg thank you so much for taking the time to review my story!
Someone once told me that they didn’t see the splash so I made a narrator box to make sure everyone gets the warning.
Noooooooo, I’m trying to get all the punctations right since someone first told me they are missing andout there are still some missing
Yes, it’s my first story and I’m really careful with zooms, but I use them in later episodes.
My English sucks some days It’s not my first language
This is explained later, because Lola doesn’t see it as human trafficking.
Really? I thought that would be a double negative? But as I already said, English is not my first language.
She could be with her grand-parents or other relatives, that’s what I wanted to explain here.
Because she doesn’t know where she is and where she’s lived all the years before, so she knows no addresses.
I like this name a lot!
The transitions where white instead of black, but I didn’t want it to be too obvious that it’s just a dream.
Well, not everything is what it seems. Or is it?
Yes, that’s supposed to happen. If you had called for Liam, Mary would have showed up.
All the choices where you can say if you trust someone or not are really important, but also the others make a difference (point system)
Thanks again for reading!
Thank you for explaining! If English is not your first language, I am extremely impressed! You did great for the majority!
thank you! I’m doing my best
Story Name: Search for love
Number of Chapters: 18 ( more coming soon)
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