Honest story Reviews and opinion with my story

I need honest opinion and reviews on my story, Please tell me what you like and dislike
Or any mistakes I made, you can also tell me what I need to change, But I won’t change the Length of the chapters

Also Tell me if the plot makes sense And If my story is a cliche

Story: You’re Mine

Chapters: 11 (Ongoing)

Style: Limelight

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5155553097351168

Thanks for reading

Hi, I’ll give it a read. What is it about

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its about a half demon that got abandoned by his mother and he met a girl that allows him to stay with her later on his mother is sorry for what she did and he won’t forgive her

and so on… :grin:

Oh that sounds cool. And not too cliche either :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You have to pretend that the MC has heterochromia too, how I wish the episode creators just make them

Ya it’s a bit annoying.

Okay, so I just finished the first episode and there were a few things. They are very minor but changing them (in the published episodes or even just the next episodes you write) would just enhance your story even more.

  1. The length: I know you said that you don’t want to change the length and I totally understand. Writing and coding can be hard. It doesn’t even bother me that much but it does bother a lot of people because if they have one last pass they might pick the story with slightly longer episodes over the slightly shorter one. Again, don’t feel like you have to everything is up to you. I just want to give more helpful feedback.

  2. Punctuation and Capital Letters: This one is super easy to change but I noticed that some sentences had punctuation at the end (.),(?),(!) etc. but other didn’t. Just make sure that you put at least a full stop (.) at the end of every sentence and a question mark (?) at the end of a question. Again it really would make it that much better. Make sure to capitalise everything that should be capitalised like I for example instead of i.

  3. Characters and Speech Bubbles: The first thing I noticed was the characters outfits. It would be best to design some outfits rather than just using their default ones because while the default ones are nice and all there are so many other options readily available. If you have trouble designing the outfits yourself you can ask some people in the forums to send you outfits they’ve already designed(At least I feel like I’ve seen people do that lol, if not you can be a trend setter?). Also maybe change the LI’s ex up a little bit. I see that you used some speech bubble placement so that’s good :blush:. Just ensure that the characters are on screen when they are talking and also maybe make some of the movements smoother. If you ever need help with any of this then I highly suggest Joseph Evans tutorials on YouTube or Dara Amarie’s guides on her website, they really are a lifesaver :sweat_smile: .

Overall I like your story :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:. It has a unique plot (meaning it isn’t a my mafia boss sugar daddy bad boy got me pregnant story n/o to the writers of those stories) and I am going to continue reading it. Make sure to keep developing the plot and please don’t get offended by any of my feedback. It isn’t my intention to put people down I just want to help. (There’s no need to take everything I say to heart because at the end of the day it’s your story not mine and these are my opinions)

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Thank you, I really appreciate your help, I’ll fix the punctuations :grin: :grin:

No bother. I’m really glad you took it well lmao. A lot of people ask for feedback without actually wanting people to say more than I love it there weren’t any mistakes at all. Don’t get me wrong your story is great it’s just that it could be amazing (if that makes any sense), But your welcome and I wish you the best, plus you’ve already gotten 70 reads which is pretty good. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thanks :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

I love supernatural stories and stories with male MCs!

It would be more effective if you show instead of tell. For example:
Show the audience Sabaruta’s eyes rather than telling us about his eye colors while he’s sleeping. You could execute this by showing an edit of him.
Show the audience that his parents have history. Instead of the father saying “I’m a demon and we’ve been in a relationship for four years” Could be shown in a more natural way ie. “The fact that I’m a demon hasn’t bothered you for the last four years.” Or with flashbacks of interactions with the parents at different stages of time.

The premise of this story is interesting.

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Aw :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

I’m glad you like it, I’ll fix that, but how do I edit him with the eyes

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