How's this narration scene?

As I’m not a native English speaker, I’m pretty insecure when it comes to narrating a scene… Could you take a look at this and check it for any grammar mistakes? :pleading_face:
(For context: It’s about a girl who’s best friend got kidnapped and he’s threatening to come for her as well, because she’s a witness.)

Was my life gonna be like this forever?
Spending all day waiting for a phone call about Hannah.
Watching the sun go down and wondering if she’s watching it too.
Or if she’s being kept in a dark basement, with nothing but a consuming darkness around her.
Or even worse…

She’s buried in the middle of nowhere in a nameless grave-
With wild animals walking all over her and her lifeless corpse waiting to be found.
Then again I’d wake up with the hope for this day to be less disappointing than the last one.
And this hope shuttering louder than the wolves’ howling as the sun set again.

Will I always be jumping at every text message sound, thinking it’s another threat?
At every rustle I hear in the bushes, fearing it’s him who finally came for me?
Turning my head every now and then while walking down the street?
Getting goose bumps every time I see a yellow vehicle from afar?

Unless I want to get locked in a mental facility before graduation-
I have to learn to live with it.
With the fear that I might never see Hannah again.
And that the same thing can happen to me if I let my guard down.
But I also have to learn to keep that little glimmer of hope burning inside of me.
And not let my sanity burn out at the same time.
I have to keep living for Hannah-
And for myself.


i think remove this and just keep it as “with nothing but darkness around her”

and btw this is so fucking good dsjglksgx :sob: :sob: :sob:

1 Like

If you want me to proofread your story then dm me on IG @_ angryybirdd_

1 Like

These are just a couple grammatical edits and some better organized suggestions.

1 Like

Thank you :pleading_face:

Thank you!! :slight_smile: I made some changes.

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.