I am left out but I don't care anymore

It all started in kindergarten. I was a loner. I wanted to have friends but I couldn’t. I was always bullied because I was wearing glasses(I am born with a lazy eye or how they call it). I was always alone. From times to times I talked with some kids that now are my friends or less than friends… Idk…

Then it continued in school. I changed 4 classes and 2 schools. In my first school(1-4th grade) there was a girl named Gabrielle. We called her Gabby. You know in school there are groups. One of them is with the cool kids. 19 out of 20 were in this group. Guess who wasn’t? Me :slight_smile: I always tried to get in but Gabby always made fun of me and kicked me out. I always was sitting alone and if I had friends they used me and we only had conversations on Facebook. I was really dumb back then. After we finished 4th grade I told my parents that almost everyone is changing schools and she said that I will change school too. I was happy. I thought that I will finally have friends. I think one girl asked me if I am going to change schools or maybe she didn’t idk… But she posted a picture of the class. She typed “The best 5th grade” and she cut me off the picture. I don’t remember if she asked but I felt so sad.

In my second class(only 5th grade) it was worse. It was full of rich white kids(I am white too but I am average I am neither poor nor rich). There were groups again. They were more. We were 20 again. 10+ kids were part of the group with the cool kids. The other groups were boy’s groups so I couldn’t fit in there. I only tried to fit in with the cool kids twice. Some of the cool kids were nice. Once I stayed at the spot where the cool kids are staying(next to the window). One of the nice girls in this group said “Kristen(the name that is almost close to my real name I need to change my username here because… is here for the first time” and one of the boys was like “Fck off loser" and the actual mean girl of the class kicked me out too. The second time I was there by accident again. I loved to stay here sometimes but I am a daydreamer and I get distracted. At that day I had my new perfume given to me by my uncle. Usually, he gives us strong perfumes but I thought that the smell will go away like with my other perfumes but it didn’t. My 5th grader brain thought it is a good idea to wear too much perfume. So while the kids were talking one girl close to me was like “Eww who showered with their perfume?” I didn’t realize it was me until she said it was me and I remembered that I had strong perfume on me. That girl was like "Eww Kristen. Fck off. You aren’t even talking anyway. Why you are even here??”. After this school year little did I know that the class will fall apart because we became 18.

So here goes the class that I hate the most(6th and 7th grade). Fat-shaming is a thing in my country. There weren’t any groups. It was just the class and we were like a family(just like the rich white girl in my class said) but the whole sentence was “We are like a family except 2 people”. I was one of them. Even if the other one was hated he had more friends than me. We had class gc. I don’t know why I wanted to be added. I didn’t say anything at all in there. I just got the chats wrong once. I left because it was pointless and I was bullied. The rich white boy in my class always changed my nicknames and I was removing them but the next day he almost pushed me down the stairs because I did it but we aren’t going to talk about that. I couldn’t wait to change schools again. After 7th grade, I came back to my old school because the rules became more strict.

Now (8th grade-12th grade). I am 10th grade. I will be here until I graduate. At first, I made friends but my class became judgy and they started to talk behind my back and ditched me. We are too different anyway. Almost the same thing that happened in 1st to 4th grade is repeating. But I am not trying to fit in. My class made a group chat with the cool kids in the class. This time we are only 17 and 15 of the class are in this gc. Yesterday they were talking about this group chat. One of my schoolmates said “Only Kristen and Daniella(the disabled kid) aren’t in the group chat.” and the other girl said “It’s only for the cool people in the class.” and I here I am knowing that it will be like that until I retire. It’s my fault tho. My lack of social skills is stopping me and I am always different from them. They think differently and I thought I was the problem for having different mindset but in my country, so many wrong things are normalized(such as: racism, homophobia(don’t even get me started that every day I hear gay as an insult or saying "I am not * the f slur * "(they say the full word) or saying someone is gay because they look like one🤦🏻‍♀️), fatphobia, sl*t-shaming and also they say insensitive stuff for 7 hours straight…) and I hate it. I honestly prefer to be left out because it’s really toxic. At least I am glad that I am not bullied like in my old school even though their ignorance is annoying.

I’m sorry if this made zero sense(English isn’t my first language) I just had to say it. I don’t know any other forums(I do know the one that is in my language but the people in my country are rude and if I say some of the things they will be like “why do you care? Homosexuality is a disgusting Bla Bla Bla…”, “Sl*t-shaming is normal, these girls have lost all of their morals and they don’t deserve respect Bla Bla Bla…” and let’s not talk about the fat-shaming. Here I will get “Lose weigh then. No one likes fat people. When I see someone fat I come to the conclusion that this person is unhealthy and lazy.” and I can’t rant there.) I just live in a toxic place with hypocrites… But even if I move out It will be the same way because I am shy and quiet.

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I mean- what is fat already? Fat is the defenition of just having another body. Fat is just a word, skinny is too, i just define both by “body” and of people dont they suck

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pity wouldn’t change anything, but i still want to say sorry of how those people treated you. throughout reading this, i only had one thing in mind to tell you…
why try to fit in when you were born to stand out?
despite the cliche of this line, i believe it. i also believe you’re one of the people who should just shine their light, you know? it’s hard to ignore those kinda people, i could tell. so let me tell you this, showing your best self will let them know that they’re messing with the wrong person. (i guess, if that made sense.) you can always talk to me about it, since i really feel like you just need a friend. or reach out to someone else if you like too! just please don’t fight these battles alone, let someone be there for you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :revolving_hearts:

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The worst part of holding memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. -Lois Lowery

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Wtf-
Y’know, your case makes me remember my friend’s case. So there was a girl in my school, she hurt herself pretty bad when she was young and a rod was inserted in her hand permanently may I add.
She was very short too. She had glasses and her hair were always messy.
Everyone made fun of her. They spread rumors that if someone touched her, then they’ll get some disease-

Sick ik

But for me she was just a peaceful kid who wanted to mix with others and have a normal life.
I was one year older than her and I tried to befriend her. I tried to support her whenever she needed. But it wasn’t enough to make the bullies to go away.
My other friends didn’t like it but I didnt give two shits about their opinion. I noticed how everyone treated her, the " BULLIES " would throw her stationary case in dustbin or hide it, others would just watch the show.
This basically went on for 3 years. Then her dad expired, she had enough of it.
She was already bullied at school and her father passing away made it more difficult. It worsened the situation.
To move on, she changed her school. And guess what!
She is the most popular girl of her new school! Like she’s not like the meanies but yea everyone adores her.
She went from a nerdy kid to a very talented and bold kid. Cant say I’m not proud of her.
What my point is, you’ll get thru it! Coz the girl above lost her father and mother (Her mother married someone else, apparently she had an affair. So the girl doesn’t get taken care of) and yet she came thru it.
You can do it! Just believe in yourself!

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