I need critical, opinionated readers please! Reviewers please look!

Good morning/afternoon/evening y’all!

I hope you’re having a wonderful day.

I am very passionate about my story line, which is why I am looking for people to tell me the good parts and the parts that can be improved.

When I started my book, I was new to all of Episode, so directing isn’t the most advanced but I promise it improves later on.

If anyone is interested, here are my details!

Title: Hale Huna
Author name: Anonymous Author
Episodes: 11, ongoing
Style: Limelight
Genre: Fantasy/Romance

Description: Kendall’s dad decides to move her and her brothers to Hawaii. She soon discovers she has the key to a world beyond her imagination…and secrets about who her mother really is…
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5002839252664320
Additional notes: Contains elements such as suicide, sexual harassment and murder, but not too much detail.



Moved to Share Feedback since you’re looking for reviews. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about where to correctly create topics, and feel to PM me if there are any questions. :wink:

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No offense girl but it’s not a promote your story thread. So you can’t leave your story in the overall thoughts section. This is a “Share Feedback” thread only. :heart::blush:

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Ain’t trying to be rude, still love ya girl. :kissing_heart:

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Hello! I read all of the 11 episodes that are out so far. I’m going to put my thoughts under a spoiler since I’ll be talking about some specific things:


First of all, I adore the little opening sequence at the beginning of each episode. It’s so cute and peps me up for reading. I like how you narrate descriptions of things when they’re needed. I can tell you put a lot of effort into the directing, which looks fantastic. Your first episode is a good length and gets me interested, but I think you should have found a smoother way to incorporate the brothers’ backstories than just plopping them in right at the beginning. It’s way too much at once.

I can tell you’re a creative person! The story is fun and has plenty of twists. I will admit that the one twist I felt came out of nowhere was Adrian being framed for murder. I wish there was more build up for that. I enjoyed seeing what Disney characters looked like in Episode. As for the main characters, I like them. They’ve all got good chemistry with each other and are interesting. I especially like how you can really tell how much the stress gets to the main character.

A couple other notes: in episode four, after the pendant was stolen from her, her model is still wearing the pendant. Also, be careful with the flashing lights for magic; there were a couple times where it hurt my eyes.

All in all, I enjoy your story so far! I have some critiques, but it’s such a fun story that I’m curious to see where it’ll go next.

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omg ty so much this helped a lot! i appreciate this so much and i will definitely fix those errors :heart:

Apologies for any mistakes.

Episode 1:

I like the plot and idea of the story so far.

However, some of the dialogues seems quite forced and unnatural. This makes the story move a lot quicker, especially during the brothers back stories. If you hadn’t already published so many chapters, I would suggest implementing them into others so you can give them more time, so they’ll have more realism in them. Similarly, some scenes felt rushed.

There were a few grammatical and directing errors. I am extremely picky when reviewing, so hopefully it’s not too critical.

Overall, I liked it and it was very interesting to read.

Scene 1: Intro

I love the intro, it was very creative.

The MC appears after the fade in transition.

I would suggest layering the characters above one another when they do animations that overlap.

Scene 2:

Good job with simultaneous directing, it’s nice to see for a change.

The speech bubble is facing the wrong way after zooming out from MC’s face

Betray Me
Add a full stop or ellipsis.

Scene 4:

KENDALL is facing rear in the car. Was this intentional?

It’ll be best to leave…the past…back in Minnesota.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word, as well as capitalising it.

Elliot's Story

The transition fades in, on the same background and then ELLIOT walks in.

Shhh Elliot… sshh.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word.


I…I don’t understand, Elliot.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word.

Kendall, it wasn’t your fault.
ELLIOT is hugging facing the front rather than rear.
ELLIOT walks backs towards screen left.

Tom's Story
Alley Way

You got the watch?
You could give him a name? Or a blank name.

The speech bubble is facing the wrong way - top tail right.

I don’t know if yo boy over here wants to do that.
Is he supposed to say “yo” or should it be “your”?


I’m sorry that doing these things takes my mind off Mom
Add a full stop.

Outside the House:

Go chose your rooms
All 3 boys run and scale down screen left. It would be more appropriate to run screen right
towards the gate.

She wanted you you have it, Kendall.
She wanted you to have it, Kendall.
She wanted you… You to have it, Kendall.

DAD continues to talk, whilst Kendall walks away.

Go see what the guys are up to:

You can have some if you don’t tell Dad.
ELLIOT is drinking without a cup in his hand.


There’s a background character in zone 1 drinking without a cup.

There’s a background character eating without food.

Bumping into Scott

This is more a an animation preference, but I don’t like the fall, or the way SCOTT helps her up.

SCOTT walks backwards.

Flashback - Adrian and Scott

When they walk into the room with the fairy, she is idle rather than doing an animation.


The last scene didn’t have any music. I feel as though it was anti climatic and almost skipped straight to the Q&A.

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thanks so much! i’ll fix all of the things you’ve pointed out! :heart::heart:

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