Apologies for any mistakes.
Episode 1:
I like the plot and idea of the story so far.
However, some of the dialogues seems quite forced and unnatural. This makes the story move a lot quicker, especially during the brothers back stories. If you hadn’t already published so many chapters, I would suggest implementing them into others so you can give them more time, so they’ll have more realism in them. Similarly, some scenes felt rushed.
There were a few grammatical and directing errors. I am extremely picky when reviewing, so hopefully it’s not too critical.
Overall, I liked it and it was very interesting to read.
Scene 1: Intro
I love the intro, it was very creative.
The MC appears after the fade in transition.
I would suggest layering the characters above one another when they do animations that overlap.
Scene 2:
Good job with simultaneous directing, it’s nice to see for a change.
The speech bubble is facing the wrong way after zooming out from MC’s face
?
Betray Me
Add a full stop or ellipsis.
Scene 4:
KENDALL is facing rear in the car. Was this intentional?
KENDALL
It’ll be best to leave…the past…back in Minnesota.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word, as well as capitalising it.
Elliot's Story
Bathroom
The transition fades in, on the same background and then ELLIOT walks in.
ELLIOT
Shhh Elliot… sshh.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word.
Hospital
KENDALL
I…I don’t understand, Elliot.
This is personal preference, but I would put spaces between the ellipsis and the next word.
ELLIOT
Kendall, it wasn’t your fault.
ELLIOT is hugging facing the front rather than rear.
ELLIOT walks backs towards screen left.
Tom's Story
Alley Way
SKETCHY DUDE
You got the watch?
You could give him a name? Or a blank name.
TOM
Yeah.
The speech bubble is facing the wrong way - top tail right.
SKETCHY DUDE
I don’t know if yo boy over here wants to do that.
Is he supposed to say “yo” or should it be “your”?
House
TOM
I’m sorry that doing these things takes my mind off Mom
Add a full stop.
Outside the House:
DAD
Go chose your rooms
All 3 boys run and scale down screen left. It would be more appropriate to run screen right
towards the gate.
DAD
She wanted you you have it, Kendall.
She wanted you to have it, Kendall.
She wanted you… You to have it, Kendall.
DAD continues to talk, whilst Kendall walks away.
Go see what the guys are up to:
CONNOR
You can have some if you don’t tell Dad.
ELLIOT is drinking without a cup in his hand.
Party
There’s a background character in zone 1 drinking without a cup.
There’s a background character eating without food.
Bumping into Scott
This is more a an animation preference, but I don’t like the fall, or the way SCOTT helps her up.
SCOTT walks backwards.
Flashback - Adrian and Scott
When they walk into the room with the fairy, she is idle rather than doing an animation.
Ending
The last scene didn’t have any music. I feel as though it was anti climatic and almost skipped straight to the Q&A.