Hello! So, I’m currently coding a story called “The Spectator” and it is my very first project on Episode (woo!!) and I was hoping I could get some feedback on what I have so far! I only have episodes 1 and 2 and they both still need tons of work. I’m probably not going to change much in TS (The Spectator) but I was hoping I could use any advice I get here for my next story. I already know I need to work on pacing, I feel like TS is a little too fast, and I would go back and try to slow it down but I would basically have to completely start from scratch again (not fun).
Here is the link! Tell me what you think, I’m open to all criticism toughtough
Spoiler: Yes heath is the love interest, and yes he will eventually be customizable I just keep forgetting to add the code for it
The initial opener “Chapter one.” just seems plain. I’d recommend spicing it up with text effects or turning it into a fancy overlay as the impression it gives is simply mediocre.
Because “The introduction to it all.” is a title, introduction, it, and all should be capitalized. Again, a text effect would make it seem more professional.
There is no transition when switching to the bedroom which is a startling change of scenery. I’d recommend adding one.
When introducing a character, it is better to show than tell. Instead of telling us her life story directly, sneak in little hints. You could do so in dialogue with other characters, or just spread it out to where it seems to correlate.
“I won’t spoil the story for you,” should be in the same bubble as the following text as it is not a complete sentence without it.
I’ve noticed it’s common for you to spread things with commas, however it is a more professional look to have every sentence in the same bubble. If you continue to spread them, ensure the next bubble’s first letter is not capitalized as it is not a full sentence.
“Okay I’m about to wake up.” felt odd. Almost forced and unnecessary.
“I’m gonna be late for school!!” needs to have one exclamation point. While this does convey urgency, this is a grammatical error that could easily be resolved by adding a text effect so it has the same meaning.
When fading out in the bedroom, we can see Chloe do something offscreen. I doubt this was intentional.
When Chloe’s mom is calling you could make her check her phone instead of including the reader message.
Amy continued talking while Chloe did, and for some dialogue Chloe did not have an animation.
“Can’t wait to see you at the beach.” and “Chloe.” Should be combined into “Can’t wait to see you at the beach, Chloe.”
On the beach some of the speechbubbles are in odd places. You may want to spot them for a more natural look so when Chloe is speaking it doesn’t look like Amy.
When Chloe falls it’s into the sand. Maybe you should put them further out or have Amy drag her.
When we are transitioned into Chloe’s- I’m not sure yet haha, it flashes twice meaning something is moving beforehand. Anything in the scene before the transition can be changed from @ to & to minimize this occurrence.
“How could I be here” has no punctuation. It needs a question mark.
“Am I dead???” Again, refrain from using multiple punctuation and opt for text effects.
Overall, the primary mistakes were grammatical and mainly punctuation. I thought all your characters were well designed, but some of their traits were mentioned and never expanded upon. I do adore Chloe’s mother though. Your basic premise is intriguing, but maybe Amy’s reasons for attempting murder should be changed as “I was tired of living in your shadow” is often used. Your buildup to the event was nice and I quite enjoyed the foreshadowing.
Thank you so much! I will definitely put all of this to use and I will do my best to fix the errors and make the story better; and I have “cant wait to see you at the beach” and ‘‘Chloe’’ on separate lines because I feel like it drags in more of a menacing and “o sh*t” feeling of dread, ya know what I mean?
The idea is interesting but none of the first chapter makes any sense. Why wouldn’t Chloe call the police after her best friend tries to kill her? Why would her friend suddenly stop trying to kill her just because she didn’t succeed the first time (Chloe knows too much I would try extra hard to kill her now)? Why would Chloe’s mother not call 911 after finding out her daughter was in an accident at the beach and wouldn’t she find it suspicious that the friend didn’t call 911? Why would Chloe’s killer friend tell the mom about what happened linking the incident back to herself? I don’t think the friend has a strong enough motive to kill Chloe, her explanation was pretty much petty jealousy which was a let down. Not to mention we went from cold blooded premeditated murder to “stay out of my way”, also kind of a let down, she tried to kill this girl an hour ago you’d think her intimidation tactics would be stronger.
She didn’t call the cops because deep down Amy means something to her (will be elaborated deeper into the plot ooo), Amy knows Chloe like the palm of her hand (they’ve been friends since pre-k) so she knows Chloe wouldn’t say anything about it (but that doesn’t mean she won’t try again to kill her a different way later in the story), Spoiler: Chloes’ mother tried to call 911 but they didn’t believe her because Amy had gone to the station earlier and told them there would be a prank call, Amys’ mindset: She told her mom because she didn’t want them to think she did it purposefully; and since everyone knows they’re super close no one would ever suspect her of her best friends murder, (Amy isn’t the smartest or best murderer,) Her motive would be elaborated on in a flashback I just havent coded it yet, she’s been feeling that way for years, and Amy is a very jealous person which is why she tried in the first place; Amy thought if she killed her competition she would be in charge (obviously not how the world works but Amy isn’t meant to be portrayed as a sane character. If someone had a toy or something she wanted when she was a child she would attempt to beat the crap out of that kid and take the toy)
I hope this clears things up for you. If any of that was meant to be advice please elaborate I just see it as you pointing out some problems I can’t fix or things that will be elaborated later in the story and are supposed to be confusing or concerning. If I involved the police in Amys’ arrest for the attempted murder it’d ruin the plot, Amy is meant to get arrested towards the end of the story, I would add why but it’d be a massive spoiler.
It’s your story, you can fix all of these problems, if the motivations for characters’ actions aren’t clear the plot doesn’t make any sense. Not involving the police stretches your readers suspension of disbelief to the point of snapping so you have to elaborate in the narrative to make it believable.
The opening you have is just Chloe getting out of bed and going to school for five seconds which seems like a waste of an opening, I know it’s so that she can meet Amy but there are better ways to facilitate this action. If you use the opening to animate Amy happily preparing to go to the beach with a friend while narrating some sinister opening about going crazy living in someone else’s shadow the audience still doesn’t know what’s going on yet but they have a believable motive for Amy’s actions. Double points if she’s packing a baseball bat or something to dramatically knock Chloe unconscious with because as is it looks like she yeets Chloe into the ocean completely conscious and seemingly able to defend herself.
The scene right after shows Chloe walking home which is also kind of a waste, she could be arguing with the reader insert in her head about how Amy is her best and most loyal friend and how much she cares for Amy giving her motive not to call the police. Although I don’t know why Chloe should know her friend tried to kill her why couldn’t Amy play dumb and craft a whole story about how she went out to the car to get a towel and when she came back Chloe was gone so she went home and Chloe is trying to convince herself she tripped and hit her head because she can’t stand the idea of her best friend betraying her. All the while she’s fighting with the voice in her head saying your friend is a liar, you can’t trust her and the reader is waiting for the next time Amy tries to kill Chloe hoping she’ll get caught and building dramatic tension.
I don’t know why the mother would have to know about the accident, no mother would wait at home knowing her child has been in an accident and no murderer would connect themselves to their crime the way Amy did, what she did was well planned out. If a kid is late coming home and not answering their phone obviously the parent would call the friend they were with, Amy should just tell Chloe’s mom Chloe left the beach early and should have been home by then. That way you have a worried mother who’s kid is late but her actions are believable, Chloe can tell her about having an accident and not get in trouble for being late, you have Amy hurrying over after finding out Chloe is okay from her or her mother, and then you can have crazy Amy acting all relived to see her friend is okay.
Dramatic action, dramatic tension, introductions to a protective parent, a loyal friend who’s had a seed of doubt implanted into her brain by a voice of reason, and a hatable villain.
