I need someone that reviews my first 2 chapters!

I haven’t publish my story but i want someone to review the first 2 chapters to start writing the 3rd chapter.
Here is the Link:
P.S. I want your honest opinions!

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I’ll check it out!

Your first chapter is quite short but I gotta say, your plot is super intense and interesting! :exploding_head: maybe you should fix the character that just pop in the screen and make bg characters more associated with the situation happens in the scene :v:t3:

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Hey I just gave it a quick read !

  • this could be just me but I find some of the strongest stories don’t have authors coming in the begging. Why? They let the story speak for itself. Personally I’d move the author stuff at the end. It gives a more professional feel to it
    -the intro is rather quick and intense! I definitely think more build to this would’ve helped and if you did have more build up the episode would seem less short

Personally I’d find it quite quick with no whats ever build up, this can weaken the story
You have a good plot going! Just don’t be so eager to jump to the good stuff!
Much love :two_hearts:

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First of all I have to say the plot is very interesting! This book definitely has potential. Honesty though there were some issues
Chapter 1:
1)It was too short. We barely got to know any of the characters and what’s going on in their lives
2)Everything happened too fast. I get that you want to make it interesting but it was too soon. In the very first scene we caught our father and found out he’s the leader of the cartel. That’s interesting except I couldn’t care less. That’s because we don’t know about their relationship yet. I think it would have been better to first introduce the characters, mention the MC got her job to find her father who’s been gone for years, show a bit of her relationship with her boyfriend and generally give us more info about her life and personality. Also add a few scenes of her obsessing over the cartel to show how much she’s worked to catch them. That way when we find out about her dad being the leader it will be more of a surprise and get the readers hooked to see what happens next. Also if you show her and Darren have a cute relationship and chemistry when we find out that he’s working for her dad it will have a bigger impact. I would even go as far as suggesting we shouldn’t get to find out about Darren until later on in the story, after we’ve gotten to like him.

Chapter 2:
1)I know this doesn’t apply to everyone but twins are usually quite close. It seemed a bit off that the MC didn’t tell her sister about their dad, especially because it’s so important to both of them
2)Speaking of her sister, we didn’t even have time to get to know her. The whole point was that she gets shot at the end of the chapter but how are we supposed to care if we know nothing about her? It would help if you added some scenes of the twins interacting and having a close relationship

Basically to sum it up the two main problems were that (1) the characters were too underdeveloped for us to care about them yet and (2) everything happened too fast and too soon
Try to pace your story and work more on the characters. Also maybe consider getting someone to proofread for you

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Thank you for this I’ll get on it rn!

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