I Need Your Opinion On My Story, Please Help! (SOLVED)

This was about a story I made which is does not exist anymore but I got some good criticism and pointers, thank you for helping me out. <3

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Hey! So I decided to check it out and here’s some pointers:

Summary

**This is feedback for the 1st chapter:

  • When you use dialogue without the “NARRATOR (animation)” command, I recommend using an animation that loops the talking one: The author intro paused after the 2-3rd line and isn’t moving their lips.

  • Make sure to keep the music on for the entire scene you would want it placed. I read about half of the author intro and the soft music just completely turned off!

  • Double check your grammar, or hire a proofreader. There’s several areas in your sentences where periods are needed and commas aren’t necessary. The spelling so far isn’t an issue, but this can get aggravating for some who like “perfection” in the dialogue.

  • Try to show more of Zade and his personality, how he interacts with others and how he thinks. It’s currently, very, idk, fast? The pace seems pretty quick and choppy. I’m not entirely sure how to explain it but I would slow down how Zade is, genuinely.

  • Lengthen the chapter? It seemed roughly less then 500 lines, which is fine, but most of it I believe was due to the author intro, and transitions/pans. So i do recommend adding more.

  • In the kitchen scenes (where the son I think and father are arguing) I recommend using the “cuts” type of zooms instead of panning from a specific spot to spot. This is because since the reader clicks fast due to the short dialogue, it’s like a continuation of a pan, which can make someone dizzy (like me).

  • Watch out for characters exiting properly and entering. (In one scene Zade didn’t exit but did the animation in place)

  • Try some other approaches for transitions instead of the “fade in/out” . I think it’s be cool to mix it up!

(I mean to say these in the best way possible, as you did ask for advice. If you need anything else, let me know. Good luck :heart:)

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Oh my god, thank you so so much for this! I knew about some of the issues going on but since im new, im really dumb when it comes to that stuff but ill see what I can do to improve things based on what you’ve told me, again, thank you so so so much, much love <3

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Also, I am really bad at punctuation, i always have been but I’m going to try my best to change.

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Of course! I noticed to a lot of people don’t reply to these kinds of questions where they seek feedback, but I had time so, why not lol? Anyway, glad I could help (:

Side note: I don’t personal/long-term proofreading for authors, so if you need anything, reach out :heart:

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I will be sure to keep that in mind, thanks again!

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So, I tried my best to fix it, it should be better now, thanks <3

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Congrats :heart:

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Moved to Share Feedback since you’re looking for reader opinions. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :smiley:

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