I think I may have Clinical Depression

[Ayvery]

PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING.
So I can’t discuss this stuff with my parents because they will just dismiss it, I know this for a fact because I tried to tell my mother that I’m depressed but she just said I’m not depressed I’m just sad, then she went on a rant and told me how dumb I was for saying that, and she also said people with depression are crazy and just want attention. I tried to tell my dad but he just completely ignored me, I tried to tell my friends but they don’t even know what to do and they just say “I’m sorry”, or “I feel bad for you” like that’s going to make sh*t better. I’ve felt like this since 3rd grade and I hate it, I’m an extreme pessimist and always think that my friends just think I’m an ugly piece of trash. Even in school when strangers look at me I always think that they think I’m ugly and stupid looking.

Here’s one of my Diary Entries (I left some things out):
Nobody really understands me, yes I smile, yes I laugh, yes I act “normal”, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay. I worry about what people think of me, always thinking “Do they think I’m ugly?” they probably do, “Do they think I’m annoying?” they probably do, “Do they think…” It’s always bad stuff, and I think that they do.I think I’m ugly, I’m far from pretty. People try to tell me I’m not ugly, but I have never been called pretty. I have to worry about the latest trends, are crop tops and high waisted jeans in or out? I don’t want to look out of place. Do I have a nice body? Am I too skinny? Am I too fat? I feel like people think I’m ugly, but of course it’s rude to say so they keep it to themselves. I wish I was pretty, like all the rest of the popular girls, but of course that won’t happen. I can’t just magically get pretty over night. If anyone were to ever read this I want them to know how I feel about myself, it isn’t good. I feel ugly, worthless, and pathetic it really sucks. I wish I could be happy… I want to actually feel happy instead of fake it each time. I hate myself, I am a mistake.

End of Entry

I went to these websites: https://www.verywellmind.com/can-you-be-depressed-but-not-know-it-yet-1066886
https://www.verywellmind.com/sadness-is-not-depression-2330492

Because I was suddenly feeling bad for no reason, and it said if I’m suffering from any of these symptoms for the past two weeks I may be suffering from depression.

• Feelings of sadness or emptiness
• Anger and irritability
• Loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed
• Sleep problems such as insomnia or sleeping too much
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Changes in appetite or weight (can be either a lack of appetite accompanied by weight loss or increased appetite with weight gain)
• Anxiety and agitation
• Slowed thought, speech or physical movements
• Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness or excessive guilt
• Problems with thinking, memory, concentration and decision making
• Thoughts of death and suicide
• Mysterious aches and pains with no discernible cause
• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, and/or being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, and/or making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, and/or oversleeping
• Loss of appetite and/or weight loss, or overeating and/or weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide and/or suicide attempts
• Restlessness and/or irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

I checked all of these down, I have been experiencing them for a while.
I sometimes burst out into tears for no reason during class, and its embarrassing.
The last time I was genuinely happy was first grade, after that things just went downhill for me.
I feel like I’m in this endless pit… Falling deeper and deeper down into depression.

[Paris.Writes]

This is totally me. And honestly, I don’t think I have clinical depression but social anxiety. And it can be hard. Worrying that everyone is looking at you. Thinking you stink. That you’re weird (though I’ve already embraced and accepted that ) That you might be dumb. That your stupid. That what someone says is not what they mean. That they mean something totally different. And I think the worst part about it is when you don’t talk to someone. When you keep it inside. And that’s exactly what I do. Because I’m worried about what someone might think or say or do, and that’s not good. So, just know this:
You are never worthless no matter what you think. You’re never alone. You are beautiful inside and out. (this is getting really cheesy).
And also, @loveyourself has a Therapy Thread and is very nice if you ever need to talk to her

[loveyourself]

Yes. And I have clinical depression as well

[EllasStorys]

If you feel like this I would highly recommend seeing a therapist! I’m depressed as well and I go to a therapist at least once a week, they help me understand myself, they give me medicine and ways to cope w my anxiety (and other stuff) and so on. I refused to see a therapist for the first few years that I experienced anxiety and stuff, and honestly it only got worse. I’d recommend seeing a therapist as soon as possible, before you get deeper into this.

And if you think that sounds scary, pm me! I can tell you what it’s like to get professional help and if you wanna went to a stranger, I’m here for that too!

[SenchaStories]

@Shanniiwrites I’m just sending people your way today, so sorry! But this is kinda up your alley.

[ShanniiWrites]

Thank you @SenchaStories for sending this to me.

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So here’s what I’m going to say:

The worst thing you can do right now is to try to diagnose yourself. I don’t want to alarm you, but there are many other mental health problems which can cause depression as a side effect. Why did I mention this? The paranoia you’ve described is worrying. Paranoia is not really a symptom of depression so I would definitely seek medical help if you can and tell them about that as well as what you think might be depression.

But don’t self-diagnose. People all around the world can feel bad from time to time and that’s perfectly fine and normal. Of course, I understand that it’s been a long time and you should definitely see someone who can help you, but those lists are not the best way to diagnose yourself. One, it is highly unlikely that you’ll have all the symptoms listed on any given website for any illness. You mentioned that you seem fine, which means you’re functioning. That would go against a few of the points on the list (so you wouldn’t have all of them), but you could still have depression. It’s only a set of guidelines. Two, you’ll end up stressing and worrying more than you need to. Three, there could be other things causing your issues that you’re overlooking. The worst thing people do is say they have clinical depression like it’s a fact without first actually getting a professional to help them.

Depression is an awful thing and I cannot stress how much I hope you don’t have it. However, if you do, I want you to know I’m here to talk. Please get the help you need because the paranoia could be a sign of something else.

[RH00]

I suffer from major depression and GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder). It sucks, if u feel u are at risk, please speak with a counselor or your doctor. Parents not taking it serious, DO NOT allow their actions to hold u back from getting help. I have a primary, therapist, and psychiatrist, I have dialed the suicide hotline so many times. I have struggled with it for over a decade, I’m 32. I just got help for the first time 3 yrs ago. Luckily for me, my grandmother, mother, and daughter all attend the same primary as me, so my doctor has known about this through my family before I came forward. If u feel something is wrong, get help. Dont struggle through this alone…You deserve peace. Trust depressed people are not crazy and aren’t seeking attention. I absolutely hate attention and it is that type of thinking (that depressed people are crazy and attention seeking) that keep people from stepping forward. My mother, grandmother, and brother all have suffered from depression as well so genetics can play a part. Do you have and blood relatives that suffer? You fight for your own peace and sanity, and remember you are worthy!

[Ayvery]

I don’t have paranoia. I’m not delusional. I can’t just “get help” because of what my parents already said to me, I’m not of age to go out on my own. I have been called ugly by multiple people before that I don’t know and that just proves my point that people think I’m ugly. I don’t just “worry”

My self-esteem has hit rock bottom, I constantly feel down and tired, I have concentration and memory problems already, I can’t sleep sometimes I stay up trying to fall asleep but that doesn’t work I have to play music or rain sounds, My right is changing dramatically it used to be 103 lbs but now it’s 100 lbs, I get bored while doing stuff I like a lot, I feel sad a lot and out of nowhere I get irritated and want to slap someone and/or punch someone, I have had back, neck and a lot of other pains for a while now.

[ShanniiWrites]

I didn’t mean to offend you, but constantly worrying that people think you’re ugly or annoying a is a form of paranoia. I also don’t think you’re delusional. Issues like this are very real and can affect us massively.

“Do they think I’m ugly?” they probably do, “Do they think I’m annoying?” they probably do, “Do they think…” It’s always bad stuff, and I think that they do.

Is there a chance you can speak to someone at school?

[Ayvery]

A guidance counselor.