I’m poisonous and horrible. I’m even seeking attention right now. I don’t know what I’m doing, venting to a group of strangers on the internet. I’m wallowing in self-pity, that makes it worse, right?
I ruin everything. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I can’t breathe.
I push the people I love away and end up making them hate me.
Episode keeps me afloat most of the time but I don’t know if it will anymore.
I’ve done so many bad things in my life. I’ve ruined everyone else’s life as well.
I’m terrified right now, I don’t know what to do.
I see a psychologist and other mental health specialists btw but the process seems endless. I haven’t received a diagnosis yet and it makes me doubt I have anything wrong with me at all like I have an incredibly flawed personality.
They keep mentioning psychosis, which is a symptom and not a diagnosis and no one believes me when I say that I don’t have that. I don’t know how to prove that I haven’t got psychotic symptoms
Although I want some closure of what is wrong with me, I’m dreading the outcome.
Whatever they tell me in the end, is going to stay with me forever.
I’m sorry about the self-pitying and I know I’m not the only one going through this but I don’t think I’m strong enough anymore.
Mental Health is a serious issue, and its often not something you can just “fix.”
First I think you should take a step back. Sometimes I don’t take the way I feel seriously and that I might just be making it all up, but it is important.
It makes perfect sense that your writing to a group of strangers because sometimes it the people who don’t know you at all and aren’t emotionally invested that are the best to talk to.
As bad as things might seem, they always get better, trust me. Even if you feel like you’ve dropped a bomb, things always calm down.
Thanks for not making me feel like a weirdo about writing to a bunch of strangers. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared…
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond though, I really appreciate it. x
I’m not sure if this applies to you, but I do start thinking its all in my head. Even when things might seem great, you could still be feeling out of place. A lot of it I think would sometimes just get better if I stopped thinking about it, and ignore my problems.
I don’t really know what’s going on in your life, but I would just take things as they come.
With so much technology people are becoming even more isolated so I just want to say I think it’s great that you’re reaching out.
This is terribly cringe-worthy but life is hard and that’s what makes it so beautiful.
If you’re thinking about harming yourself, just from reading what you have to say, I can tell you’re a good person and everyone has something to offer.
I think one of my main problems is feeling alone, and I still feel that way, but even small things like this remind me that I’m not alone.
I know exactly how you feel. I had depression and Anxiety from the age 9 to 13. And let me tell you it was definitely hard, and still is. It’s something you can’t cure completely but you can heal it mentally and physically. Everything is worth it, even the tiniest things. Find something you love to do and do it everyday. I chose working out as I feel good doing it and I’m keeping healthy as well. I also reached out to online chats to talk about my feelings as you feel you can’t do the same in reality. I’ve had many thoughts about self harm/ending it but I had to find what life is worth, the things I like, and the people that care about me. You may think once you end it your then it’s all relived but once your gone the people that care about you think otherwise it’s torture for them. Please, your worth it. You’ll find the reason in live. Please pm if needed, I’m here with no judgement.
Psychosis is a symptom of a range of mental disorders like depression, anxiety, and psychotic disorder (which psychosis is not always linked to). However, on a personal note try not to do anything too rash and you venting here shows a part of you wants help. Find the help you need and it won’t go away but will get better! Us strangers are here for you!
I know things may seem hard and it may not seem like a lot coming from a stranger on the internet it can be sometimes hard to talk to the closest to you but even though you feel like you never see your self getting better it will many people are scared to talk about mental health and I appreciate you opening up to us about that I just want you to know it will get better for but please know you matter and things get eventually get better for you because I appreciate what you told me earlier and that actually helped me and I just hope I can actually help you because what you said actually meant a lot to me but please don’t harm yourself it gets better you can pm if you ever need to talk.
I’m glad I could help you.
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
I don’t expect anyone to return the favour though. It’s rewarding enough to know that it has helped you x
I think everyone goes through a phase where we think so badly of ourselves. As a adult I realize that letting go of negative people can really make a difference. I’m s good listener. You ever need to vent let me know. You can catch me on IG @sam.episodes mostly but sometimes venting to a stranger can help. Especially someone who wont judge you.
I know how you feel. But ending your life means you’re ending your chances of getting better and living life. I have depression and anxiety, because of trauma. If you do have psychosis, you’re still human. That doesn’t change you. You still breathe, eat, walk and live as a human. You just have a mental illness. It’s ok to have flaws. Maybe you hate yourself right now, but things will get better, I swear. It’ll all go away soon enough. You can always talk to me, whether it’s on here, Discord, or Instagram. I love you.
Hey, even if you are poisonous and horrible, recognising it and wanting to change is already showing that you really aren’t! Venting is always a good way to express your feelings, and can help you open up. Pushing people away is completely normal for those going through emotional distress, and is very understandable. Don’t think that people will hate you just because you won’t talk to them! If the reason they hate you is because you won’t open up to them, that’s their fault.
Seeing a psychologist and mental health specialists means you’ve already taken the first step (seeking help), and gives you a good advantage. Although, you also need to be able to trust and open up to your psychologist/psychiatrist as if you don’t, how would they know how to help? Obviously it will take a while to open up, but don’t give up hope! They want to help, but in the end, you have to help yourself as well. On the other hand, some psychologists might misdiagnose you or might just be bad at listening/talk therapy. I had to go through around 5-6 (i think) psychologists/psychiatrists and 3 misdiagnoses to actually get diagnosed correctly and take the correct medication! If your psychologist hasn’t diagnosed you yet, it’s possible they just don’t know enough. It’s also possible they have a theory but don’t want to misdiagnose you, because misdiagnosing can be quite dangerous. I was put on bipolar 2 (which i don’t have lol) medication for a few months, and those were the worst months of my entire life. I was a completely different person. I have now been put on the correct medication, although my psychiatrist alters it a bit depending on what he concludes each session.
Not being able to diagnose you doesn’t mean you are an “incredibly flawed person”, I’m pretty sure that isn’t a medical diagnosis! If you don’t believe you have “psychosis”, tell your psychologist! Ask them to explain why they think you have it, asking is never a bad thing. If you speak out about your concerns, it will be much easier for everyone involved! You don’t have to dread the outcome; honestly, being diagnosed correctly gave me some relief after being misdiagnosed for so long. Don’t be afraid of yourself and your brain, mental disorders honestly aren’t something to be scared of. My psychologist personally had gone through depression and he said no one can be exactly “cured”, they just have to know the right way to deal with their depression and negative thoughts. Feeding your negative thoughts is a lot easier than feeding your positive thoughts, but you have to be strong and get the serotonin and dopamine you deserve!
As I’m sure everyone has said, you can always talk to us! We will all try our best to support you and help you go through whatever! You are stronger than you think! <3
Us strangers are here for you!