Hey there @Caitlynlynn0919 ! Here is my review of your story : Unwanted Memories . I’ve broken up your review episode by episode so it’s easier for you to follow. Please keep in mind that everything under the heading of “Creative Suggestions” are just that, suggestions. Those are things I personally believe would add to the quality of your story. However, ultimately the decision lies with you, the authour, as to whether or not you would like to incorporate my advice. So, let us begin!
Things I Loved:
- The way you start the story is amazing! It really made me connect with the main character before even meeting her. It was so emotionally charged and I thought you directed it very well. I especially loved the part where Reese was standing in front of the black background and you echoed “trusted you” with each zoom. Well done!
- Reese’s puppy dog eyes gave me a good laugh
- I love Krispy Creme Donuts so this was hilarious!
Spelling, Grammar Punctuation and Sentence Structure:
- You forgot to add apostrophes for some of your contractions (i.e cant → can’t)
- Make sure you’re adding commas when necessary. There were quite a few places I noticed no comma when there should have been one.
- “Sargant” should be → “Sergeant”
- “apart of me” should be → “a part of me”
- “only I will go back with one less friend” should be → “Only, I’ll be going back with one less friend.”
- “and for a while it that was all I needed” should be → “and for a while, that was all I needed.”
- “some of our friends are going to mountain tonight” should be → “some of our friends are going to
the mountain tonight.”
- In the plane scene, Kenna pops up on the screen after the transition fade in black. Just remember to put your spot directing for your character BEFORE the @transition fade in black to prevent this.
- You might want to scale Kenna to be a little bigger when she is sitting in the plane seat just so she’s in proportion with the rest of the background.
- I think there is too long of a pause between some of your dialogues… this is ok for dramatic effect like in the opening scenes of your story but it seems out of place elsewhere.
- After Reese’s dance move takes him into another zone and you pan back to Kenna, Reese just appears back beside Kenna out of no where. Instead, have him walk back into Kennas zone for a more natural transition. So after we pan back to Kenna, you should insert the following:
& REESE spot x y z (make sure the y value has him in zone 3) THEN REESE walks to spot x y z (make sure that the y value puts him back in zone 2)
- “it is like a flood, it comes pouring down out of no where”… I think you should change this to “Life is like a flood, rain comes pouring down out of nowhere”. In my opinion, that flows better but it’s up to you!
- The part where you say “memories, flashbacks.” “Damaged” “Memories I cant seem to shake…” I think you should put “Damaged.” after the part about not being able to shake the memories instead of before it. It flows better that way.
- On the plane scene Kenna says “The other part of me doesn’t want to leave”… I think you should change that to “A part of me doesn’t want to leave”. I recommend taking out “the other” because the line that came before it didn’t immediately make the comparison to this other contradictory part you are mentioning so it just kind of seems out of place.
- When you go back into the past, make it known we are travelling back in time (i.e when you say April 2012 – Cedartown, Georgia…. follow it with “6 years ago”.
- You introduce Reese as your best friend and say he was all you needed. But then you say “until I met him” directly followed by “Reese”. I was a little confused for a bit because you had already introduced Reese… but then I realized that in saying “until I met him” you were probably referring to some other guy… (Lucas I presume?). If that’s the case, you should replace “until I met him” with “until I met Lucas” because when you just say “him” it seems like you’re talking about Reese since you were talking about Reese both directly before that line and directly after it.
- Add some choices!
Things I Loved:
- I REALLY enjoyed the dialogue in this episode. You have great writing skills and you are very talented at making your reader connect emotionally to the MC. Keep it up.
Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation and Sentence Structure:
- “But what is living without taking that chance” → add a question mark to the end of this sentence.
- “We are descending to Atlanta, Georgia.” should be → “We are descending into Atlanta, Georgia.”
- “You think you have time for me by now” should be → “You’d think that you’d have time for me by now”
- “I had to much on my mind to argue” should be → “I had too much on my mind to argue.”
- “I don’t think I could handle it.” should be → “I don’t think I could’ve handled it.”
- “I won’t admit to anyone else.” should be → “I won’t admit it to anyone else.”
- “The events that conspired that day” should be → “The events that transpired that day” (conspired means “to make secret plans”, I think you probably meant “transpired” which means “to take place”.)
- Again, just make sure you’re adding in commas when necessary.
- When Lucas and Amber are talking after they’ve kissed, they’re standing very close to one another so it looks very awkward. Maybe try have Lucas back up a bit after the kiss has ended so the conversation with Amber can happen.
- The kiss between Lucas and Kenna… Kenna is a bit too far to the left. Move her more to the right so it looks like their lips are touching because right now it looks like Lucas is kissing Kenna’s right ear lol.
- The dip kiss also needs to be improved, Lucas needs to be moved further right closer to Kenna’s face.
- When Kenna goes out to the gazebo at night after realizing how cold Lucas is, she is supposed to be walking rear however she just walks on the spot for a little bit then magically appears in the spot she was supposed to be walking to and also, facing a different direction. I would have to see the code to specifically tell you what you’d need to change to fix it so if you’d like, you can post the code for that part and I’ll help you fix it.
- When Kenna goes back to the bedroom to sleep and is thinking about her mom and family, you should add the DIM 60 effect to your bed background just to keep things consistent with it being night time. The background just seems too bright for night. In the script, you would code it:
BACKGROUND NAME with EFFECT DIM 60
- “We have to ask ourselves is it worth it?” … I think this line could be much more impactful if you broke it up into two parts and combined it with the line afterwards. So in the first part, I think you should write “We have to ask ourselves—” and then @pause for 1 followed by “Is it worth it to risk betrayal for love?”
- Again, this episode had no choices. I’m starting to get the feeling that you intend this to be just a story without any reader input through the use of choices (which is okay) but, if that is the case, you should make a note in your first episode that you won’t be using any choices in your story just in case readers are expecting to have choices.
Things I Loved:
- Yay, we got to choose an outfit and change hairstyles in this episode
- You did a great job with directing during the scene where Kenna was observing who was at her welcome home party.
- “And when it’s reopened it’s gonna hurt worse than when it happened” I think this line will sound better if you change the wording to “And when the wound is reopened, it hurts even more than the first time.”
- Episode three was REALLY short compared to your other ones. I highly recommend you add more scenes to episode three before you publish episode four.
I believe your story has a lot of potential! You definitely have the foundations of being a good writer down pat and you are also very good at writing/directing for maximum dramatic effect. You didn’t have any major spelling/grammar/punctuation errors, they were all relatively minor and can be easily addressed by throughly editing your script before publishing. I noticed that knowing when to use commas may be something you need to improve on so it wouldn’t hurt to look into some reading on that. As I said before though, it’s a relatively minor problem. Same goes for your directing errors. They were all relatively minor corrections. Overall, you’ve done a good job!
At this point in time, I think you’ve established the groundwork of your story very effectively, but I’ll have to wait for you to release more chapters to give you my honest opinion on the plot of your story! I just don’t think I have enough material to work with yet to fully develop my opinion. There is still a lot that is a mystery to the reader and you’ve definitely left the reader curious about what’s to come. Please keep up the good work in your writing and I hope to see you release more episodes in the future! If there is anything you need clarification on, (or help with) don’t hesitate to shoot me a PM.
Best of luck and happy writing!