I Will Critique/Review The First Episode of Your Stories

WHAT THIS IS ABOUT:
I’d like to think that I’ve become a better writer over the years. So, I’d like to read the first episode of your story and help where help is needed. (First thread was made by flapstar)

Fill out this form:

Story Name:
Author:
Genre:
Summary:
Review, Critique, or both:
Cover:
Anything else I should know?:

I hope I can help. :blush:

MY STORY:
I also have a story and if you’d like to check out my legitimacy you can read the first episode at:

STATUS:

TO BE REVIEWED: :books:
*Behind the Scenes, Amelia


*The Unexpected Love, xANGEL



BEING REVIEWED: :open_book:

  • Hale Huna, Anonymous Author


COMPLETED: :blue_book:

  • Deadly Secrets: Fangs of Love, TamiRose

  • Call of duty, episode_katherinee

  • Magika: Within Her Soul by KylieJay

  • Secrets, SarcasticGenie

  • The Red Curtain, Grottino

  • Dance Party, Kahotshot

  • Gold Leaf High, MTB

  • Necromances, Madhu

  • Cuffed, Alexepsiode8

  • Breaking Boundaries, Faith Rose

  • The Prince, Mijhaan

  • You are my sunshine, Faith Rose

  • Two Paths, Passion

  • Who’s Who, Tay11

  • The last breath, Ladies.episode

  • Meet me there, Ems

  • Magicka: Rain, Avarose456

  • With You, Jazzy

  • Mother, Mother, Body, Treasure and God (Jesus Christ)

  • The unEXpected show, Jade

  • Wedding Planner, Isabella

  • The AvenTeens, StormWolf

  • Death’s Game, Sana Mansoor

  • Pregnant By the bad pregnant robot, Some_kid

  • Just The Bodyguard, Hamnah.episode

  • Crazy Love, Khanak

  • My Perfect Man, Kayiee

  • Hired to Love, JAY.M

  • Between me and The Sea, Bertha

10 Likes

Deadly Secrets: Fangs of Love

Lost Summer Love

Story: Dare to Kiss!

Author TamiRose

Genre Romance/Comedy

Description Neoni, independently strong, confident and all about her business. But, that all changes when a nosy spy unnecessarily enters her life. Will she get rid of him or fall in love?

Link:

Thank you for doing this for us @Episode.Mary-jay!
This is my story and I really hope you like it! <3

Story Name: Call of Duty
Author: @episode_katherinee
Genre: Drama
Summary: Isabella has been assigned as an undercover to arrest a crime lord with a materialistic, rich and arrogant bad boy as her partner. Will they succeed? [cc]
Review, Critique, or both: Both would be great!
Cover: Call_of_Duty_posterThumb_HSNoV2reL6
Anything else I should know?: This is 3rd story of the series, so there will be references to previous stories, but there’s no need to read those to understand this! :smiley:

1 Like

Moved to Share Feedback since this is for story reviews. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :wink:

Story Name: Magicka: Within Her Soul
Author: KylieJay
IG @princesskjx3
Genre: Fantasy (w/ action and adventure)
Summary: “Just when she’s reached her breaking point, Lucy stumbles across a world on the verge of war and everyone expects her to save them. Can she restore peace on Charkana and within herself?”
Review, Critique, or both: Review😊 I can’t make any significant changes since it’s entered into the contest, but I’d love to have some feedback!
Cover:

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5867673552224256

This story was created by my one friend and I almost 12 years ago in a creative writing class! I’ve obviously had to mature it from a 6th grade level and reconstruct some things/add new elements, but I love seeing it come to life❤️
Thank you so much if you’re able to review my story! I’d appreciate it so much!:blush:

Thank you so much for this thread!

Story Name: Secrets
Author: SarcasticGenie
Genre: Mystery (Sorry if you don’t like Mystery)
Summary: When there is a murder at your college, you decide to try to get to the bottom of the mystery gaining an eye witness the police don’t have: the victim. (CC) Choices matter!
Review, Critique, or both: Both please! Also, be as brutal as possible; I am trying to make the aesthetics the best they can be, but I do know at the beginning of this series that I was still quite new to advanced directing.
Cover:


Anything else I should know?: Choices are extremely important - though you might not get many noticeable locked pathways until Episode 2 - especially your major. I was new to advanced directing as mentioned before so any feedback would be much appreciated.

Once again, thank you very much for your time! :blush:

So, I read Deadly Secrets: Fangs of love and the plot is very good!
Some things that could be fix though (And I mean this with all respect.)

  1. When Delilah walks into EXT. CAMPUS GARDEN - DAY you could zoom in on her more. And when she asks where the lightning came from you could have her do the search animation while looking left then right. Like:
    @DELILAH starts search_neutral AND pause for 1.5 AND DELILAH faces left THEN DELILAH faces right
    @pause for 1.5

  2. When Delilah and her friend walk into class, you put:
    @transition fade in black (I’m not sure how much time)
    I think it would look better if you’d put:
    @transition fade out black 3
    And place it before you put INT. CLASSROOM DESK - DAY,

  3. In that same scene you put
    @transition fade out black (don’t know the time)
    If you wanted to show that time had passed I’d replace that with:
    @transition iris out black 3

  4. When Lucas walks into the class Deliliah says “It’s him.” I think that over there you could zoom in faster like maybe .25.

  5. Before going to EXT. CAMPUS QUAD OVERCAST - DAY zoom reset.

  6. When Lucas goes into the flashback with his mom I’d place the characters before zooming.

  7. The music during the flashback kind of ruined the moment for me. I’d use music_darkchoir.

  8. When introducing the clans it’d be nice to have the person that’s going to talk to a talking loop while everyone else is listening.

You do not have to use any of this, it’s all opinion-based. I hope your story works out! :grin:

Story Name: the Red Curtain (male MC; LGBTQ+)
Author: Grottino
Genre: Drama
Summary: You are a teenage boy trying to find your own voice in lyrical opera, friendship, love, sexuality and family.
It all started 2 years ago, the night you came out…
Review, Critique, or both: both
Cover:


Anything else I should know?: Don’t hold back

Your story is very good, I love your use of overlays!

  1. When Aaron is in INT. PROTAG ROYAL BEDROOM - DAY he walks forward, looking into the mirror. Then he pauses for, well I don’t know how much time. I think you could have him do idle_shiftweight_neutral_loop.

  2. When we first see Isabella at EXT. JUVIE OLIVER ROW HOME - DAY, the blur overlay doesn’t show for a slight second. This also happened to me when I was using a blur of a background. I think that it would wor better if you did
    EXT. JUVIE OLIVER ROW HOME - DAY
    @overlay (blur overlay name) create
    @overlay (blur overlay name) opacity 1 in 0

Review wise, you use some very advanced directing and it makes the story a lot more appealing. You do not have to use any of my suggestions it’s purely opinion-based. Thanks for letting me review your story, :blush:

1 Like

You’re story is very interesting, and creative. I genuinely haven’t seen many stories like it and I’m glad I got to read it.

Review:
I think what makes it so good is the advanced zooming and directing that I saw, it supported the story very well. I’m also really amazed with the suspense that’s built up about what exactly has happened to Lucy, and what the glowing balls mean. You have a really nice story!

1 Like

Story Name: Dance Party
Author: Karlon Artis
Genre: Drama
Summary: Akira Arakaki has been a professional dancer for several years, but a few subpar dance performances make him lose confidence in his talent. Can he restore his confidence?
Review, Critique, or both: Both
Cover:


Anything else I should know?: This is a short story

I don’t have much taste for mystery stories, but this story is honestly great!

  1. When the MC and Carly are in the hallway and MC sees Tilley and goes to talk to her, you start zooming between Carly and MC instead you could simply do each zoom in 0, it kind of seems redundant when you go from Carly then zoom all the way to the MC.

  2. At the party when the MC talks to Luis you could zoom in on them since there is some space behind MC when they are talking.

Aside from that, your story is very good and I can see why you have the reads that you do. I hope your reader count continues to grow.

1 Like

Ahw, thank you!!! I appreciate this so much :pray:t2::heart::pleading_face: Thank you for taking the time to review my story :heart:

1 Like

Thank you so much and I do understand that Mystery stories aren’t always everyone’s cup of tea. I appreciate you pointing out the zooms; I have definitely got better in the later episodes, but I can see the lack of them in the first episode so I will go and improve it. Knowing the specific scenes are also really handy to help me fix it.

Thank you for the kind comments and I hope my reader count grows too, but most importantly I just hope that people enjoy my story. :blush:

1 Like

I like that the story is a bit more realistic as compared to some other stories that I know. And I like that the MC is a bit more relatable.

  1. I notice that you use a lot of basic directing. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I haven’t yet reached a part where advance directing would be needed.

  2. When the MC is at EXT. DAD’S HOUSE - NIGHT and he’s talking to Beppe you zoomed in and out, I feel like it would just be easier on my eyes if you zoomed in close to him and kept it there.

  3. You could use some transitions in between MC getting kicked out and him standing in the rain.

Other than that, I love that your story shows the hardships of being part of the LGBTQ community, :rainbow_flag:

1 Like

I love that your story is motivating, I don’t see lots of stories focusing on dancing and it’s nice to see people doing new things.

  1. When Song and Akira are in the dance studio and Song lifts up Akira I think she should be a layer below him.

  2. When Song, Jennifer, and Akira are at the Chinese store when each of them were talking I think it would be better to zoom into each of them as they talked.

Overall the story is creative, and I like that you showed that not everyone liked Akira like how IRL not everyone is going to like you.

1 Like

Hey girl I would love a review but I have got to make few changes in chapter 1. So once it’s done could u review it pls?

Story Name: Necromancers
Author: Madhu
Genre: Fantasy
Summary:
This story is about two siblings who are born as necromancers. Necromancers are people dealing with the dead by using magic. They fight demons and other evil creature so as to maintain peace in the world. They have a life of training but everything starts to turn upside down right after their mother’s death. Unknown things become known. Evil creatures are starting to take over. It’s up to them to handle it this time and they dont know if they are ready for it. Yet they too have personal lives since they are being hunted down by someone and they are in hiding. The one mistake in their past does this all. Will they be able to figure it out and fight the storm that’s coming towards them. Read to find out.
Cover:
image
Review, Critique, or both: both
Anything else I should know?: English is not my first language so pls avoid that part and the choices too.

Sure, I can wait. :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like

Story Name: Gold Leaf High
Author: MTB
Genre: Drama
Summary: G.L.H. is a private school for the prestigious and rich. Meet and follow our characters as they start their third year of High School. Love/Family/Friendship/Drama (tbh I’m not good at summaries)
Review, Critique, or both: both
Cover:

Summary

Anything else I should know?: I was told by one person that the auditorium scene is lagging because there are too many characters, I though it might be because the app is glitching lately, I’d like to know if that happens to you too

I only have one minor critique:

  1. When Beverly and Mira are in class together, there is a girl behind Beverly who isn’t holding anything almost like she’s reading the air. It’s not a very important thing and lots of people would be able to bypass it.

Aside from that one minor thing, the story was great. I adore that it had a sitcom-ish feel to it when introducing everyone. The auditorium was laggy for me too, but only when zooming to different characters. But seeing that you took the time to layer every character in front of or behind a seat, it didn’t really bother me in particular. It really shows that you put a lot of time and energy into your stories.

1 Like