I will give you feedback on you story - curently CLOSED

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22

Thanks. But I won’t continue the story.

To make it clear for you :wink:
In the 1st episode, I told who is she in this company, the owner. (I think, just like you said you were too bored to read, so you keep tapping) and also about Aria. You could read about it in the 1st episode. She is an I.T. nerd.

It should be like that. I spotted like that to not confuse who is talking.

I need to look at the code. If you met Rick you should say about the meeting in the afternoon. But good you met him, you could do it only if you choose to shower.

So, it means police has their own assassins to clean the mess they can’t deal with. And of course no. No mafia.

I don’t mind you being honest.
But I am a bit disappointed with this review. You haven’t focus on the story at all, so u missed a lot of important information.

23

Title:The Love Triangle
Genre:Fantasy
Choices:Yes
Customisation:Only Hair and Clothes
About: A girl called Brianna who Has two guys wanting her Slyler and Ryder

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5474379412865024

24

Hi Kiki,

it is not strict NO … as written if you do not fit the limits I ask for bit explanation why do you need review - if you make the effort to explain it I know you are really interested and I will not waste mine time to review it.:wink:

25

Title: My Kalona
Genre: Fantasy
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4559018983227392
Description: Naomi desperately tries to bond with her estranged father, but becomes the prisoner of a Native-American curse that threatens all. Will her choices lead to freedom or failure?

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My Kalona Cover horizontal 1.jpg1008×768 581 KB

This is my first story. I have more than 4 chapters… I have less than 50 reads.
I want reviews from multiple people because everyone is different. Therefore, I think its best that we gather many opinions in order to get the best overall opinion.

26

Hy Maya…Isugest that you read one more time what I wave written in the first post about the limitations and the request for explanation if you do not fitt the limits…which you do not fit. That you did not given me any explanation why wou need review makes me feel you havent read what I have written…so I wonder why should I write review for somebody who doesnt read what I write?:wink:

27

Thank you that you have read mine post and given the explanation! Of cause I will look at your story.:slight_smile: Its great that you tell me what you mainly want to review - the story line - I will try to more focuse on this.:slight_smile:

1 Like
28

Jannah - you do not fit mine limits and you did totally ingored mine request to explain in more detail why you want review when you already have decent amout of readers and more chapters…

I am asking myself when you do not read properly mine post … and ignore what I ask for, why should I give my energy to review your story ?

29

Can i request a review for my story…Its my first story
Here’s the link
http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5019562149478400
My story is called Black Hearts Golden Desires
I only have six chapters and english is not my first language… i think it would be good to improve more in directing i hope u can help me.

@Farah_DeSantis
Currently My story is being revamped. I will let you know once I have finished if that’s okay with you.

30

Sure I will update to your requirements.

31

Thank you, I look forward to your review :heart_eyes::+1::two_hearts:

32

Xin, I was focused on the story a lot …as you can see I have done a lot of notes during the reading of each chapter. But what I can’t help it the fact it was boring for me the way it was written and it was hard to concentrate on it. But I understand that it is easier to see it the way that I didn’t concentrate enough on the story than looking if the reason cant be in really not in the way it is written. Especially when you make the concentration on the stories to read extra difficult with the tiny letters…sorry really not my fault that It was even physically hard to read the small text sometimes.

But most important:
Good story doesn’t require that the reader gives some extra concentration to the story. God written story simply drags you in. I have read maybe already around 100 episode stories till the end hasn’t felt this way by any of them. But of cause, there were many other stories I started to read and because I didn’t like them for any kind of the reason and I ended up by 1 chapter.

I understand that it is not pleasant to hear that your story felt a bit boring and confusing but that is true for me as the reader.

On the other hand, I am also one in million, That I didn’t fall for your story doesn’t mean it will not find its readers.

I do believe you got potential. just the writing itself needs improvement. As I have already said your directing is totally cool, and if you would give one more look to the dialogues you will take something from what I have written to you or not is absolutely up to you.

33

Already I know I won’t continued writing.
And your review was the hit that I should stop.

34

And it looked like that, becuase you asked who she is when it was told in the story.

35

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

If the story is good written reader pick up the necessary information and remembers them automatically without concentration. But if some important info is in some not so good written dialogue which is boring for the reader, he is not able to pay attention to it and remember it even he willingly tries.

That’s is the reason kids at school often do not remember the data from history (or any other subject) even they learn hard at home from books…because the book is for them not entertaining and they had to hard memorize the data.

But if you don’t want to get this and still want to point on me I am OK with it. You have of cause right on your opinion on me.

36

I know. That’s why it is useless to keep writing. It is just a waste of time.

37

That is not thue it is skill like any other which get beter in time. Its like with directing…you didnt know anything about it ad in that time you were not good at all in it. But you learned somethind tryed out because it didnt worked you tried somenthing different till wolala one day you gor that great directing which is amazing. Writing is the same just it is harder for every writer to see what wokrs and what does not…There fore are may courses on creative writing where you get feedback and where thay teache you how to make composition for the story…what to avoid how to graduate the drama atc.

If it would be onlya “born” skil there would be nothing to teach but there is lot to teach/learn in this subject.
Dont give up just because it didnt worked 100% on firt try. My god do you thing Mine first story got 100% positive feedbac? Of cause not…It was too short too rush and readers didnt get who were the people actially…lol now I realized I gotr similar review as you.

But I simply tryed to re do it. Now it is bit better…but I have onlys 2 episodes and havent got new review so the hell I know if it will be now more interesting.:slight_smile:

But even if I got again not werry positive feedbac I will try again because its the only way to learn it.:wink:
I can send you the link you can see I also figt the writing.:smiley:

The story has potentilal I mean the idea of your story is good, the scenes falow in right order so why not to try just to redoo bit the dialogues to make them more interesting and more easy to understand?

38

It is already re-written.

I’m just tired. And lost too much of time. English is not my 1st language, so it can’t be written better.

39

@kahotshot here is your review:

Si the first background where is the name of the story looks bit strange… it is stretched so what should be round is oval…I was not impressed by this.:slight_smile:

I liked that for change this story has a male main character.
But how about customization? I understand I myself also have an idea how mine character should look like but as reader, I love when I can adjust the MC so I would suggest giving a last some limited choices.

I liked the names Takoda Haloke…I wonder …are they native American?

I haven’t noticed any spot directing errors.

I would suggest redoing the speech bubble placing in the living room…often the bubble is covering Vincent´s or Takoda´s head.

Good work with music and sounds…like when Michell beats the guy or when he is typing…:slight_smile:

It seems to me you overuse names. in dialogues…normally when people talk to each other they do not use the name of other people too much mostly not at all but you use them very often.

Same goes for repeatedly used the same word in several sentences… like

“now I have interview. So I have to prepare for the interview” It would sound better if you write it

“Now I have the interview. So I have to prepare for it.” atc…

To the story itself…it was clear linear but I was missing depth.
I haven’t had the feeling that I know more close all the characters even being in 3 chapter.

For example…they go for nature walk which is a date with girl he likes… but all we see from the date is him taking 2 photos and then short conversation about how that walk was nice…um…that is not how date looks like.:slight_smile: If they had fun do not tell me, show me! The date is about people talking and getting to know each other, maybe flirting and so on, and nothing like this was there. Show me why he likes her what is so special about her…dtto goes for the second date.

You show the dates so I was not able to see big difference between the girls and I haven’t seen them to really connect.

It was also a lot predictable.

Girl asking for a date and offering him job, he then talks about the job with a friend.
Second girl with exactly the same scenario.
The interview was similar and it was predictable that he will get both the jobs.

How Vincent always thinks he will get the job felt bit wired… the same scenario in 2 and in 3 chapters just with minor changes.

Guys in cafe…he talks loud while being alone …this would work better as a thought bubble.

Again he says how happy he is to hang out with his friend but all that they did was go to cafe take food …again SHOW me they have a good time.

I wonder what is your idea of each character typical behavior? What is typical for Vincent .is he funny/clever/ nerd?? What is Michel…cheeky/ clumsy/ deep…atc…I have absolutely no idea because you haven’t shown me this in the story.

If you want readers to like the characters you have to let them to know them.
I am sure if you add depth and ad more difference in the dates and interviews it might get a good story.

The only moment I was surprised was en of 3 chapter where he meets both girls …make more surprises make me wonder what will come next.:slight_smile:

Hope this will help you to improve the story.

40

Thank you for the review.

And to answer your question.

Yes, they are Native American.

41

Hi!

I would love a review of my new story. Any and all feedback is welcome! :slight_smile:

Here is the info:

Title: Dark Essence
Description: When the darkness inside threatens to break free & destroy everything you hold dear… Will you seek comfort in the ones you love or allow your Dark Essence to take over? (Lim CC)
Episodes: 3
Genre: Fantasy
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6025752143069184

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Thank you :):smile: