I'd really appreciate feedback for the first chapter of my (unpublished) story

So, I just finished the first chapter of the story I’m planning on releasing as soon as the first three chapters are ready. But before I continue, it would be great if I could get some feedback on my first chapter.

Here’s the link:

Thanks in advance!

I feel like this can help

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Or her

Over all, it’s pretty nice. I love the episode cliche jokes, though I hope they don’t get repetitive, and I hope there will be something more to Annabelle(?), since right now she just seems like a typical ‘mean girl’.

Also, there’s an issue in the intro with the notebook prop, it gets stuck on her hand, and in some transitions, the characters don’t appear for a few seconds or the scene doesn’t change immediately. Now, for the pros and cons;


  • MC has an in-depth heritage
  • Optional CC
  • Lots of choices


  • Transition colors are really bright and annoying
  • First chapter is a bit slow
  • Occasionally glitchy

Thanks for the tips! Annabelle doesn’t like cliques, and she thinks that the ‘A-Team’ is one of those typical high school cliques that bully and exclude others. It’ll be explained later why she hates cliques, but yes, there is more depth to her than just the typical mean girl. :slight_smile:

I’ll work on the transitions and the intro so it’s smoother. As for the pace, what would you suggest so that it isn’t slow?

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if you still need feedback you can visit my thread if you want Olu's review thread (OPEN)

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