Hi!
I would love a review 
http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5097630993022976
Title: I made the devil cry
Author Å ebule
Fantasy
Right Now it has 6 chapters, I would like to have reviewed As much chapters As possible, but I understand that itās time consuming And that to do a review Is not easy, So Iāll leave it up to you to decide, how many chapters Is possible for you, thank you very much!!
You can send the review here, thanks.
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for anybody who plans on reading this story, the review will have spoilers, warning you now. Also apologies if this comes off harsh, itās all my opinion, feel free to ignore it, please donāt take it personally
Soā¦ The review ended up being pretty long, so Iāve split it up for you.
Episode 1 and first impressions
First impression: It looks really cool, I love stories where your choices matter, and as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, Iām actually quite excited to read this.
Spelling/grammar: In the choice just after Dawn meets kim, where its talking about her striking hair, the last option has a typo āAqua haurā also right after that when it is talking about her eyes, it says ābrown eyesā āgreen eyesā etc but the dark blue option doesnāt say ādark blue eyesā it just says ādark blueā which in essence is fine, but it doesnāt look right when the 5 other options all mention the word eyes.
Just after the āopen text or listen to kimā option, I picked listen to Kim, she says āHeLlo?ā you couldāve done this on purpose, in which case you can ignore this, but it does look a bit childish, Iām sure the non-capitalised L will be just as effective without looking childish.
The thought bubble that says āWe arenāt going to get out the bus until lunch.ā, it feels like a āofā is missing before the ātheā it technically still works the way you did it, it just isnāt exactly correct.
The narration bubble with ā(not including this morning.)ā has the full stop inside of the brackets, that should be outside of them.
Where Dawn says āThereās two bathrooms on the bus, go and change, itās really fine!ā I feel like that could flow better if the end was changed to āitās fine, really!ā
This could be a British/American spelling thing here, Iām not sure if you guys spell it differently, but she says āCounselor please! Isle 10!ā that would be spelled āCounsellor please! Aisle 10!ā
Directing: in the first scene where Dawn is talking to her parents, it seems a little bit lackluster, the dialogue is fine, the animations are fine, it just seems a bit boring, no music, no zooms.
When dawn turns back away from Kim on the bus and thereās the thought bubbles with the time and āAnd off we goā¦ā , they look a little bit out of place, a small movement of the bubbles would fix that, not a big issue, just something I noticed.
When Kim smokes outside of the bagel/doughnut place, Kim seems too surprised, this could also have to do with the fact Iām not American, but over here, its totally normal (although illegal) for people underage to smoke, so going āwhat is she doing?ā and the angry animation and then running inside as if she never saw it seems a bit over the top.
When Vivian sits next to dawn, the background starts moving before she comes into the screen to sit down, unsure if this was on purpose, but it doesnāt look quite right.
Chapter length: it was quite a nice length, it wasnāt very long, but not too short, a nice middle, Iām especially not upset about it since itās the first episode and you donāt spend a ticket for those. Also donāt worry about the number of lines, my first episode of the story Iām working on is already over 3500 lines and thatās purely the customisation, the story hasnāt begun yet. The end of the episode with the thanks, whilst it is quite nice, it is a bit drawn out, Iāve seen some people at the end have a choice of ācreditsā or āend the episodeā maybe do that if you have credits that take up some time? Just a thought.
Plot: Overall, it doesnāt feel like a whole lot happened in this chapter, it was just chat, bedroom, extremely brief talk with friends, bus, brief breakfast, bus, lunch that barely existed, bus, end. But it was a fun time.
Character: I like how each character, although we only met 3 sort of 5 sounds different. Although Dawn seems sort of average, many MCs do. Kim seems like a bit of a bitch to be honest, but I feel like she would be a loyal friend (or possibly love interest I donāt know) and Vivian seems sweet and I could be wrong but from the first chapter alone, I think she could actually be trans so technically he or they but Iām not gonna guess pronouns until they have been told to me, I could be wrong, I could be right, im just telling you what I think.
Extra: You couldāve added text effects like italics etc to make the first few lines of Dawns dialogue a bit more dramatic, but it still works very well without.
Also, Iāve gotten a little bit in and it seems like it could do with more music, especially the first scene as a serious conversation seems sort of bland without it. Just in general there seems to be a lack of music, I donāt know if you pay attention to that when reading, but a lot of people do, so I recommend just paying a bit more attention to that. As I go through the chapter, itās seemingly a recurring theme that there isnāt enough music.
When Kim says New Jersey, and itās awkward, I donāt understand that, itās probably because Iām not American, but keep in mind not everybody who reads your story will be American. I donāt know why that was awkward.
I donāt get the āheave-up-Jonahā thing either, Iām sure itās a reference to something, if it is, sorry, I just donāt get it. (after reaching the end of this chapter, I realised that even you donāt get it, in which case I feel like it would be best to just scrap the line, but itās up to you, it does give Kim a little bit more background, but I feel like if you have to explain something, it shouldnt be said, we are here to read and enjoy, not ask questions)
If there are 2 dozen people on the bus, usually there would be a maximum of 1 bathroom on the bus, Iāve never seen one with 2 bathrooms, especially on a smaller bus, and if there was, they likely wouldnāt be gendered. (after reading further and seeing they pick up more kids, this might be redundant, but still never seen a bus with more than 1 bathroom, no matter the size of the bus)
It seems a bit weird that the counsellor needs to show her where the bathroom is, the bus is straight and they are usually pretty visible with lights on them.
Your Instagram name with the 3 pansexual flag colours is really hard to read the yellow part, maybe change it to a slightly darker shade of yellow? I know them it wouldnāt be pastel and thatās the point, but it is very hard to read the āhopeā part. In the narration message.
Overall: Very good for a first chapter, a good length in time reading, but a little bit boring in how much the story progresses, couldāve seen more about her conversations and relationship with her friends, how school was for the last wee while knowing she was going to be shipped off at the end of it all, and I know the bus ride is supposed to be long, but itās just too long. Also there is an intense lack of music, but overall I liked it.
Episode 2
Spelling/grammar: This isnāt exactly necessary since people do say it, but Taylor says āMe either.ā after the early riser mention. Correct grammar would make this āMe neither.ā Instead, but as I said, not a big issue.
Directing: I like how the āpillowā dropped after Dawn stepped away from it.
In the bit where she goes down the steps of the train/pod beds, she goes down a bit too slowly in my opinion, maybe just shorten that movement length a little bit.
I like the tappable outfit screen, but maybe instead of having dawn. Pop in, have her small and up at the side? Just so that it doesnāt block the outfits when she is there, even if she does disappear again.
The pause as Dawn waits for Taylor to wave at her also seems unnecessarily long
Chapter length: It was a little short, which you couldāve extended with some more dialogue on the train, maybe a bit of talk to/about the counsellors or something? It wasnāt waaay too short though, it was still within acceptable length.
Plot: I love the plot twist, made me shooketh, it was a great cliffhanger. Not a lot happened in this episode once again.
Character: There wasnāt a whole lot of stuff to do with characters this episode, Kim was only mentioned once and not even a whole lot happened with Dawn and sheās the MC.
Extra: Once again, immediately notice the lack of music and sound, I wonāt go over this again and again, thereās a lack of music, thatāll be the last time I mention it.
Random question, are those pod/bunkbed/train bed things an episode made background? Purely because I want to use that background sometime so Iām curious.
I wasnāt sure whether this would go here or in the Directing bit because itās a bit of both, but the reader message of āshe mumbledā seems a bit telly but not showy, you couldāve given that off by making the speech bubble smaller.
I donāt know how old Dawn is, but I donāt feel like an 11 year old would fit in her clothes.
Almot definitely put a flashing lights warning before those flashing spotlights turning on, they hurt my eyes and Iām not even sensitive to flashing lights.
Overall: I had a lot less to say about this episode, I still enjoyed it, but from a reviewing standpoint, I had less to say not because there were less concerns but because there were less content, Iām hoping episode 3 steps it up a bit.
Episode 3
Spelling/grammar: when Dove says āI was assigned a male body when I really was a female.ā it might be better to say āwhen I actually am female.ā or something, as saying āwasā implies that she used to be female but she isnāt anymore.
When Wednesday is saying her pronouns, sexuality and gender she says she is āhetrosexual and hetromanticā when itās āheterosexual and heteromanticā
Wednesdays bubble saying āThey called him a her and called him his dead name.ā is just a bit off grammatically. It should be āThey called him, her and called him by his dead name.ā
Directing: The zoom towards Dawn (counsellor dawn) seemed a bit slow and then at the fire pit so did the zoom towards Dove.
When Cruz says heās Pansexual, he doesnāt do a talking animation.
This could be because you want Wednesday to come off a Regina George but of colour, but as she is telling the story of her cousin, the animations are very repetitive.
As Wednesday stepped back inside the cabin it was really fast, maybe slow that down a little.
Once again, the zoom into Simon at the assembly was too slow.
Once again, this actually happened a few times this episode, Dawns (MC Dawn) thought bubbles are a bit off.
The salt sanes sanders sign fell very slow.
As lucinda, MC Dawn, Kim and Emma line moved from the table to the queue, they all moved very fast.
The pan of the office is very slow
Chapter length: This episode was like the opposite of the last 2, the last 2 were short where nothing happened, this one was long and a bunch of stuff happened.
Plot: I do like the whole twist around to make it an LGBT+ safe space disguised as a Conversion camp, it seems a lot nicer and less terrifying.
Character: I like the introducing of this new character Lucinda, she seems fun, Kim didnt exactly seem herself, or she wasnāt herself before, I picture her as this badass āIām not gonna say sorry to you.ā type of character. Iām a little sad we didnt get to see more of Vivian or whatever their preferred name is, if they have thought of one yet, in this chapter. I quite like her. I have no clue who emmaline is but I like her style.
Extra: I donāt like how there is male, female and āotherā. I think instead of other it should be non-binary, since non-binary also covers genderfluid, and all other things that arenāt purely just the 2 binary genders, I feel like saying other to include non binary people makes them sound like an afterthought.
The main character is called Dawn, and the counsellors name is Dawnā¦ That doesnāt seem right
Iām not sure if you meant this, but Dove and Dawn seem like quite similar names, itās best to avoid that in my opinion.
This isnāt really anything to do with the story itself but. Hi, my name is sky, and Iām here today to support the girl scouts. If you get that reference, 10 points to whatever hogwarts house you are.
This might be because Iām in the + part of LGBT+ but the fact that they keep saying LGBT and not once LGBT+ or LGBTQ+ or even the lengthiest version of LGBTQIA+ seems a little off.
Wednesdays curtsey after talking about her cousins death seems a bit dicky.
Iā¦ Thereās 3 dawns? Now that definitely shouldnt happen, I know it can happen in real life, but this is an episode story, itās best to give them their own names. Itās bad enough there were 2, but now 3?
If there are enough campers for more than 1 bus, and each cabin has 10-15 people, how do all of the enby cabins have poison ivy but none of the male or female ones do?
Popcorn ceiling? What?
One should recognise oneās girlfriend, no matter the hair cut, especially if it was only a couple years ago.
Explaining is not the same as lashing outā¦
7-8:30pm is very late to be having dinner.
Overall: This chapter certainly stepped it up a notch, a lot faster paced yet a longer episode, I like it.
Overall review
I love this story, its sitting in my favourites so I can read your new episodes as they come out and Iām following you on Instagram so I can see updates. Because Iām hyped about this story. I would prefer to read it from now on as a readers stand point instead of a reviewers, because honestly reviewing this took a long time.
My overall points are to watch your pacing, watch how fast your characters do certain actions, add some music and think of names that arenāt Dawn, but congratulations on being a winner because you absolutely deserved it.
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Iām very very confused, I updated the story today and most if not all of the bugs/weird things you mentioned I have since fixed.
The update went live 12 PM today, Iām just very confused as to why you didnāt see it.
Notes about your notes heh
also just some notes about your notes heh.
Dawn is a goody-two shoes, it seems that didnāt come off clearly
It was supposed to show the bus started moving before Vivian sat down and she just took the seat next to Dawn, it seems that wasnāt clear.
I have added this in future episodes.
Thatās the goal lmao
This is the part that confused me the most. I updated the story earlier today and I added music and sounds in every scene.
This must have been a glitch on your part, as every time I have read the story it has never done that.
Iām sorry, but I have no idea what youāre trying to say here.
It seems that didnāt come of clearly either? Kim wasnāt being sincere in the slightest in her āapologyā, she just didnāt want Dawn to act weird around her the whole time.
Once again, I have no idea what youāre talking about here, sorry? The only counselors that have been shown are Grace, Simon, and Dove. there are no other characters named Dawn.
By selling cookies, $4 a box would you like some? And hufflepuff.
If you are referring to Dawn in the start, that is because she is veryā¦ignorant? About LGBT. She even said so herself āI didnāt know there was anything more than L, G, B, and Tā any other characters use LGBTQ or LGBTQ+.
What are you talking about?
The cabins are all fairly close together to eachother but far from the others. (that sounds wrong, so like the male cabins are all near eachother and the female cabins are close together, but the male and female sections are very far apart.)
Hehā¦ just wondering, did you get Kim the vegan doughnut? Because if so, that makes a lot more sense why youād say that
Iām not sure why you werenāt able to see the updates and changes I made, I was waiting to get a review because I didnāt want to have someone read the story in the state you did. Most of the bugs and errors you gave were all things I fixed.
Another thing, I am just very confused as to what you meant about there being 3 Dawnās.
Ah OK, Iām not sure why I didnāt see the update, but glad to hear a lot is fixed.
I did get Kim the vegan doughnut because Iām not mean ahaha
Well, the MC was called dawn, then one of the counsellors was called dawn, and then one of the people who introduced the self around the fire that wasnāt either of those 2 dawns was called dawn, I didnāt see a counsellor called Grace, idk if it was a glitch then, but the 3 counsellors I saw were Simon dove and Dawn
With the no + thing, I wrote then when dove was talking at the first assembly, she only put LGBT a couple times but a bit after that she said LGBTQ
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Hm, Iāve never heard of that happening before 
I think it must have been a glitch on your part though.
Anyway, thank you for the review!
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@Qwertyu Hi thank you for this thread and I really loved your style of reviewingā¦ And you may tell your reviews here.
And Iāll be very patient so take your time 
Title: I married my troublemaker (limelight)
Author name: Miss Deepika
Style: Limelight
Episode: 18 so far
Description: Fixed marriage with a person who brings trouble in your life, will this marriage turned out to be a success or big misery in your life.
{Art scenes}
Genre: Drama
Ig: @orangeweedie.episode
English is not my first language so kindly bear my small mistakes
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Hey 
Thank you for the thread! Iād love a review <3
Title: Ice Crime
Author: Fiffy
Description: Things did not turn out as expected when Vivianās skating enemy Annabelle disappears. On top of that she has to do a literature project together with Annabelleās younger and arrogant brother Joe. That might be just the opportunity Vivian needs to find out more about what really happened to Annabelleā¦ Will she uncover the truth?
Genre: Action/Mystery
LL/Ink/Classic: Limelight
How many episodes are there/do you want me to review: 4 
Cover:
Want review here or in PMs? PM <3
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I am physically incapable of starting your story, any time I hit anywhere near the start episode button it takes me to the customisation screen, also if I hit FAQ or end episode, it still takes me to the customisation screen. I would recommend scrapping that front menu altogether because I donāt know if itās your tappable overlays that donāt work or what, but I physically cannot start your story no matter what I do. I am going to skip over your story and go onto the next one for reviews, let me know when that is sorted and then Iāll give you a review, but I canāt review a story I canāt read.
Thank you for the thread. Iād really appreciate if you would review mine when you get the chance. Here is my story.
Story description:
Heās a hot, heartless, irresistible vampire.Youāre a powerful vampire slayer!What happens when you end up struggling to resist him and his charms?Will he love you,or kill you?CC
Story Title: EAT STAKE
Author: Sinead OāNeill
Genre: Romance, fantasy, drama, mystery
Style: LL
Insta: sineadoneill.lovestowrite
Episodes: 3
Review: yes please, and messaged to me privately
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Hey could you fill out the form fully please?
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I just edited my post to fill out the form fully.
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Okayā¦well I canāt fix that currently but thanks for the feedback.
If you remove the tappable overlays and just make it a regular choice it would work fine, it would just look a little bit less fancy, but at the minute itās impossible to access your story so I feel like some aesthetics need to be sacrificed for the sake of technicality
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I know how to fix the issue, the only problem is that to do it I would have to unpublished the story until the overlays are reviewed. I suppose I could share the link, but it will take me a while to fix. 
Alright then I suppose its up to you, just let me know when itās sorted and Iāll review it for you then
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Thatās okay, but thanks anyway
Hi i want you to rewiew my story twisted Blood
Author is LilyFrankfurt (me)
Ember holds a dark secret. One that attracts the attention of four most powerful vampires in kimberly high. In the end it all comes down at one thingā¦ Her blood
Limelight
6 ep more coming soon
Thanks
Could you use the form please?
Ok. Sorry for causing discomfort
You didnāt cause any discomfort ahaha, itās just it says in the top post to use the form, itās not that hard to fill out ahaha