I suggest making the title shorter for this and adding most of the content in the body of the OP so that people can read it better. Congrats, though
This story uses mature topics/themes. You can add a splash to warn younger. But be careful how far you take this.
Scene 1: Character Customisation
You can chose the hair style but not the hair colour, was this intentional?
You can chose the eye shape but not the eye colour, was this intentional?
You can’t chose the skin tone, was this intentional?
Scene 2: Lili - Servant Bedroom
NARRATOR(LILI): To not even be able to talk without permission.
Add “to”. Add a fullstop at the end.
Can the music fade out rather than cutting?
NARRATOR(WILLIAM): Lili, come to the living room this instant!
You don’t need “in”.
Scene 3: Living room
As Lili ran out of scene 2, she should run into scene 3.
Put William on the top layer, when he slaps her.
Scene 4: Bedroom
Loop William’s kiss animation. Otherwise he keeps putting his hand back down.
LILI: Oh believe me. etc…
Add a full stop.
Loop Lili’s kiss anmation.
Scene 5: Bed
Have them lying down before you fade in.
NARRATOR(LILI): After a while, we fell asleep.
Add a comma.
Loop their animations.
Scene 1: N/A
Scene 2: MOM
You don’t need to name her “Young Lili” as you’ve said it’s 13 years ago, but if that’s what you prefer then it’s optional.
Try to spot the hug. It may be hard though as Young Lili is scaled down.
Is there a pause?
This is typically written as “Sweetie”; however, I don’t know if it’s incorrect, so once again - optional.
Lili should be idle_sad.
You can name the outfits? (Optional.)
If you chose “What I have on.”, you aren’t asked if you want to try something else.
Scene 3: Kitchen
Scale her down off-screen.
After she gets told off, she can look sad.
Every. Day. Of. My. Life.
Or emphasise using bold or italics.
Change “housewive” to “housewife” and add a fullstop.
Oh true true. She could just use the Lili, but change her outfit, am I Correct?
I don’t know why, but you’re saying almost everything is optional. (I’m annoyed, just a little)
Because you don’t HAVE to do it. But, in my opinion, it will be better if you do.
And it’s only 3/9-12 things that are optional.
This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.