Oky so here’s the review of your first chapter–
The description/teaser looks a bit odd in contrast to the story. Maybe ya can replace it with " When Jade is given the choice of her first love, a mafia king, or his partner in crime. Will she ever make up her mind? Find out in the upcoming chapters of Make Up Your Mind. (LL) (CC)(LGBT OPTION)"
In the first scene, I cannot see any motion or panning to the right while she narrates which makes the part a bit boring.
- In this scene, in my opinion the MC shall be saying, " Fine…Just keep in mind, that I hate you ", instead of " Fine, Just know that I hate you ".
- Here you made a sudden scene change I see. Maybe try previewing this scene yourself and make out the errors.
So that’s all for the first chapter. I also liked the motion parts in the story such as the one in the bar. If you like this review, I’d try to get you a review for the other chapters too soon.