Is my story okay?

Hey! I’m trying to start a new series on episode called ‘Teenagers In Love’. I’ve tried to use zooming and text effects to engage the reader. I plan to add more choices in future episodes but since I’m just getting started I decided to put no choices in yet (apart from one). However, I was wondering if someone could be so kind to just give my story a read - the first two episodes if possible - and tell me what they think! On the plot and also if my choices, effects, transitions are working, because I’m not the best at writing stories lol. Anyways, heres the link

thanks! :slight_smile:

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Hi, so I only read the first chapter, but I’ll gladly read more and review the other episode if you’d like me to. Here’s what I thought:

-Interesting cover that I would click on

-Better grammar in description: People change, emotions change. How will these two teenagers cope with the stress of being 17 and falling in love with the wrong person?

-Instead of “Me and Luke” have Luke and I in your opening line. Grammar is very important to lots of readers, and some will not read it if the grammar isn’t top notch. This includes your/you’re and puncation, minor things I saw not done properly in the story.

-Great dynamic between Katelyn and Kennedy! I really like both of them so far. They seem to be good friends and have some interesting conversations together. There seems to be a diverse group of characters.

-The mom is doing a nodding emotion while she isn’t talking or anything, so maybe change to an idle animation.

-Sound could really enhance your story! For example, after the car stops working and Katelyn screams, a loud female scream would be hilarious, and make the readers feel more apart of the story.

-Mr. Radford is gonna be a great comic relief! My favorite scene was when they were in the office with him, and insulting him till he finally let them go. Poor him lol!

-The scene after they get out from the chat with the principal has layering and scaling issues, Katelyn is standing on top of Abby and is about 10 feet tall! She should be shorter than Luke and about the same height as Kennedy.

-It doesn’t really make sense they skipped school during second period (which in high schools should be around 8:30 am to 9:40 am) and then they reach the bus at 11:00 PM. Maybe you could add narration that says something like 10 hours later? It should show them going from a familiar site to Luke making a wrong turn and them getting lost, not just instantly in a forest. Maybe on their journey to the forest there could be some playful dialogue, building their character more, as well as making your episode longer. They could stop at a cafe, arcade, the possibilities are limitless! Just so they go somewhere, take a wrong turn, and then get lost, which would be more realistic.

-Just a nitpick but these kids are missing a ton of school and homework and I feel like the parents would be more concerned. If I skipped school and didn’t come home, I’m sure my parents would not be happy and try to find me ASAP.

-Depending on how long your story is, I think the romance is moving a bit too fast (kissing after the first episode). You should try holding off on their romance right away. That way, the longer it’s still will they/won’t they, the readers will start to ship it more and more, and the couple can have a more realistic grow together. If the characters are instantly together, there’s nothing to root for.

-Overall, your pacing seemed to be good, and I do really like the main characters. Luke and Kennedy have good romantic chemistry. However, maybe adding sound could enhance the story. Also, Abby and Daisy got barely any screen time and don’t really have a unique personality that gets you invested in them. Due to likable characters and good pacing, but grammar that could be improved as well as giving more personality to side characters I would give it a 3/5. Keep up the good work!

Okay, thank you so much! I will make changes to the first episode ASAP! :slight_smile:

also do you have any ideas for a description? i didn’t really like the one i had before and i really dont know what to right in such short words and not give too much away but enough to make someone want to read it

Oh boy, I’m not the greatest at writing descriptions :sweat_smile: but here’s my shot at it. I actually thought your description was pretty great, but here’s mine. Feel free to change whatever, I just whipped this up quickly!

Childhood best friends Kennedy and Luke have always been just that- best friends. They never expected that one day their feelings would change, and they’d be more than that. How will the two of them cope with falling for the wrong person?

aww i love that so much!! wayyy better than mine! :slight_smile:

Ugh, i just tried it and there is too much words for the ‘how will the two etc’ but it is still so good! thank you so much! i can give credit in the story for the description if you want?

No credit needed! I’m happy to help :slight_smile: maybe to shorten it you could have “how will they” ? I forgot about stupid length requirements! I’m glad you love it though.

okay! thanks so much!

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i’ve redone chapter one and ive made sound backgroud saying ‘this story has sound’ but it hasn’t been approved yet. when you have time would you mind checking its ok? it should give you a free pass to rewatch it because its been changed. thanks!

this is the sound backgorund :slight_smile:

Could y’all check out my story seeing is believing I just revamped it and I’m looking to get feedback

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