Is this something you would read? UPDATED

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#1

Ok so my last topic was about my upcoming story description and some of you didn’t seem to like it so much, so I’m not changing my description entirely but I updated it a bit, so that it connects a bit better with the Title. The title is My Secret Superpower

(The old descreption is mentioned later in the topic)

New Description:
Shay Kingston discovers an inner power, that no other has. Will she be able to control it and conquer her inner world? Is this power going to remain a secret after all?

So, is this something that sounds interesting and readable?

  • YES
  • NO

0 voters

(Anyone who votes “NO” is requested to explain his choice so that I can improve my Description)

Old Description:
Shay Kingston discovers an inner power, that no other has. Will she be able to overcome the difficulties in her way, control her powers and conquer her inner world?

And also do you like the New one or the Old one better?

  • NEW
  • OLD

0 voters

(Also, you are kindly requested to leave a reply saying why you chose the New or the Old one)

Thank you all, any comments for improvement are appreciated a lot :heart:


Is this something you would read?
#2

New one because the old one felt a bit too wordy if I were to say it outloud


#3

Great! Thank you for your feedback :heart:


#4

I voted no for the new one because it doesn’t come across as a very unique idea. I’d definitely click if I knew a tiny bit more about the super power. This might just be me being too much of a perfectionist though :slightly_smiling_face:Sounds like a great story!


#5

There is going to be a hint on the cover sostay tuned till I release it for feedback :blush::blush:


#6

C’mon guys only 3 votes on the first one and 1 on the second? How am I gonna judge by that?


#7

The new description was definitely more interesting than the last. It makes me wonder what will happen and what is the power she has. Now I would be interested to read it :wink:


#8

I’m glad to hear that :grin::grin::grin:


#9

I voted no but it’s not that I wouldn’t read it. I’d save it for later and start reading as I waited for other authors to update. If I knew at least a little bit about the power, I would be more interested. Maybe it’d be more interesting with the cover picture.

Then I voted for the new one because it sounds more interesting. In the new one it underlines a possibility of her powers failing and it makes me more curious about the story.


#10

You’re right about the cover, there is a hint about her power! I will be releasing the cover soon with a poll for voting so stay tuned to see if it’s going to be what you expected! Thanks a lot for the feedback!!


#11

Hello, I voted no for the new description, here’s why. (Before I start, my apologies if things seem harsh, I’m just trying to word things clearly.)

  1. Shay Kingston discovers an inner power, that no other has. I like that our main character’s name is here, but “inner power” is too vague to intrigue me. “that no other has” seems unnecessary to me for a few reasons. I personally prefer stories without individualized powers, since I’m just a lover of characters learning from others, I guess. Also, that information isn’t really necessary in this hook, since we have no idea what kind of powers other people might have (if they do have any).
  2. Will she be able to control it and conquer her inner world? My answer is yes and yes - the question isn’t intriguing to me because I don’t have an idea of the stakes. What happens if her power isn’t in control? Is her life on the line? Could she blow up the world? Is the power hard to control? Additionally, since I don’t know what her power even is, “her inner world” doesn’t mean very much to me. I’m guessing it’s related to her power, but I can’t connect the two besides that they’re both described as “inner”.
  3. Is this power going to remain a secret after all? Probably not, but at the same time considering it’s an “inner power”, it is probably easier to hide than say, super strength. Also, now that I think of it, there hasn’t been a mention of why this power should stay secret, at least to Shay.

I actually do like the old one better (you may have noticed I ruined your vote count, sorry), because it does suggest that there will be a struggle (maybe related to controlling her power, maybe something external) and that uncertainty is intriguing. However a lot of my earlier comments still apply to this one.

(Also, this is my first post here, so if my formatting is terrible, that’s why.)

(And now that I reread the original post, the title helps with some of my comments, but not all.)


#12

First I want to explain that English is not my original language, and I’m not in the highest of levels, so it may be hard for me to write my thoughts about the description of the story in a way that seems original and interesting without any mistakes.

1.About the ‘‘that no other has’’ phrase: I was actually planning on not keeping that in the story, but since the description is the first thing you read I might as well change it.
2.I really don’t know what to answer first in comment number 2 so I sould just explain the situation… (I’m not revealing much, if you want further explanations I would love to discuss it at the private message section). So first things first, about what the power is, the cover of the story will give a hint, a slight one, at least if it is reffereng to physical, mind, or other kinds of power. I’m not far into the story so I don’t even know what is happening with the power management and if she’s gonna be able to control it after all. About your question “is her life on the line?” maybe it’s not her actual life as a human being, but her life as a teenager, maybe her friends or family are on the line, her highschool, her future as what we call “a normal human being”. And in general I’m really having second thought about how interesting is that power and if I could spice it up a beat so the description is definitely not the final one. Also I can’t say what happens if her power isn’t under control or if her life is on the line in the description, it’s just two lines long and besides that I can’t mention every interesting question I find. Of course I’ll have to improve the content with something more interesting but there isn’t musch space for me to “explain” and make the reader wonder, so it’s hard. “Conquer her inner world”: I and some voters of the old description in a previous topic thought that it’s a nice phrase to add. You’re right about the connection between the power and her inner world, it doesn’t connect as much.
3. I also can’t mention why the power should remain a secret in the description, you’ll have to read the story to learn that. (In general I think that you’re asking a little bit for too much information in the description and I simply can’t do that even if I change it entirely, since it is only two lines long. Of course I can make it more interesting but I can’t fit everything you’re asking for.

Also the old one may make more sence in your head but it doesn’t connect with the word “secret” of the title. There is not one mention in the old one. There will certainly be something that’s keeping her from controling her power but even I haven’t figured that out yet. Like I said I’m not far into the story, in fact I’m just at the first episode and the story will definitely not be released any time soon.

It’s ok that you changed the vote count, it isn’t made to be perfect, it’s made for opinions.

Lastly thank you for taking the time to explain everything that you didn’t like and thank you for giving it so much thought. I would love to discuss it further in the private messages, but I also think that I have to make it, so that the majority of the readers understand without further axplanations and there are questions forming in their heads, just from reading the description, because I can’t explain to everyone, they’re gonna judge the story from cover and description.


#13