Jem Reviews Un-Published Stories :kiwi:

Hey, 'sup dudes and dudettes, I hope your day was wicked rad and you found some good luck :wave: :penguin:

Jems Un-Published Stories Review Shop :wilted_flower:

Here, I’ll be reviewing un-published stories. One per month. Now, you might think “one per month” sounds crazy but the thing is I’m aiming to review all of your episodes, not just one. And I’m part of another platform where I’m reading six chapters per week and reviewing them, so it’s a lot for me. Plus, I have my Givers Club (I love them so much). Unfortunately, I’m not a robot. I’m only human and this is what I can offer. Yes, I previously closed my review thread and let my grammar workshop close and had to temporarily put my reviews on IG on hold because it became too much for me (normally, I consider myself as a badass who can handle anything anyone throws at her, seriously, throw a shoe at me and I’ll catch it like a warrior princess). I’m testing this out which means I’ll try it for 3 months (3 stories; if you publish yours, let me know as I can’t review it due to the fact that my workshop literally reviews only un-published masterpieces). So request away, mes ami(es)! Much love, your crazy beautiful friend JemU776 who’s also a fab beta reader :blob_sun:

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Hey, so I have 1 chapter(episode). It is not done yet. But I want a review anyway!

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Sure, ty for requesting, yay :disco: :blob_sun:

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Of course! If you need anything else let me know! It shouldnt take longer than 5-10 minutes at most. Its pretty short. But it was all done in 4 days. I know I messed up on a bit of dialogue on a TV scene.

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Attention if i do finish early, i’ll probs open up more review slots for the month and while I’m trying it out for 3 months, I might try it for longer depending on how everything goes; anyways, thank you for reading this cool message :rose:

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Ik you said 1 a month but whenever you next have time to review a second one, could you check mine over? It only has 1 chapter at the moment also.

Link

http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5460736962002944

Bump!

I did NOT forget about this btw, i have it on my to-do list ^^

BTW it is three stories per month that I’m gonna be reviewing (for now to test how it goes) also i have another slot open ^^

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My Review:

Rose: On May 30th, 2010, my friends Kimmy, Anna, and I decided to have a sleepover. <- this is much better to write. You wrote “Kimmy and Anna and I” but you don’t need “and” too many times when some things can be separated by a comma.

Oh ha ha May 30 is a day after my birthday, that’s so cool XD

Credit to episode-writersrs on IG <- perhaps there is a typo there as you wrote “rs” at the end twice.

While the characters are standing in their room playing truth or dare, it would make sense to have them in their PJs. In addition, you can hardly see Kimmy. She’s covered by Anna. I’d place her somewhere in the middle. Also, zoom on the characters when they’re speaking otherwise your scene remains static for too long.

Kimmy: Should we play Truth or Dare? <- It’s we, not be

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” and “have you ever kissed anyone?” are such famous dares, I love how people get nervous when asked this XD

Kimmy: You guys are such babies! Give me a dare. <- you wrote “guys” twice (I removed the one after dare), it sounds too repetitive.

OMG I cannot believe Rose dared Kimmy to jump off a cliff. Out of over a billion dares to choose from, she just had to pick a life threatening one!

Kimmy determined to do the dare scared me. It also makes me aware that she have had some problems in her life that caused her to form this mindset. I like how her friends try to stop her but boy is Kimmy strong, knocking them both down and pushing them out of the way!

Actually when Rose came to stop Kimmie, she entered the screen from the bottom very awkwardly. Position her off-screen, change only the middle value of spot directing (% X Y) when you have her come in (she will do so smoothly and in a line.)

When Kimmy walks to the cliff, she does so awkwardly. She faces the other direction, smiles, she slides, her size changes abruptly.

The speechbubbles are really off. They’re near the floor and sometimes come out of the wrong person’s mouth.

Overlays glitch sometimes like the silver car overlay. People take time to appear. There’ll be like a second pause before they show up which looks super strange. For example, when they’re watching the news, Rose’s mom, the news anchor all have this glitch, as well as Rose. The other guy on the news shows up awkwardly from the bottom of the screen (again, this can be fixed by changing only the middle value in spot directing to have him walk in a smooth straight line).

The period comes after a word. No space between. So, it’s “Kimmy Holfsteeter.” no space between the letter r and the period (.)

When Kimmy first enters to watch the news, she goes through the TV. This is a layering issue.

I notice you use “it is” and “I am” sometimes. While correct, in spoken English, it’s and I’m are both more common.

Rose: Oh, it’s worse than you can ever imagine. <- it’s (it + is) instead of its

Anna breaking up friendship with Rose was sad and blaming her was very upsetting to see. Even though Rose was wrong to give a dare like that Kimmy should have known better not to take it seriously.

Anna: Why do we have to go to school? <- Much better to write as “Why do we to go to school?” is incorrect English.

The school scene was very awkward. Students came out of nowhere in a very glitch-like manner and the layering was off. When the two students are kissing, the character doing rear is behind the character facing forward, so it looks like he’s kissing the air. It then switches. Very strange.

Rose walking into the school and students calling her disgusting for going to school after her friend died…oh my!

All right, I see you ended the chapter there for now (a very nice, interesting way to end things).

Overall, despite the minor directing issues, I did enjoy this very much, the dialogue was very interesting as were the characters, every word kept me on the edge, great job!

P.S Please note, this review is not meant to offend but to help you improve. I’m not a professional reviewer although I try my best and put my heart and soul into my reviews. Anyways, have a lovely day! :heart:

Some Screenshots

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Thank you so much! Literally wrote everything to the part rught before the cliff in 4 days, so there was bound to be mistakes thank you! I will get on this!

The school scene took me an hour and half. I was going to fix the layering and placing up a bit.

I didn’t actually finish the episode, the end the episode it is not done yet. Something much worse is gonna happen. You’ll see. :wink:

If you want I can let you know when I add the rest in.

Sure, keep me updated and let me know when you publish :+1: :blob_hearts:

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Will do!

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My Review:

First of all, wow, thanks for telling me this story has a points system, I’m excited for that; getting to unlock outfits, scenes and seeing how many points I get for a character will be very fun <3

NARR: Also if you get enough points with one person <— much better to write “one” as opposed to "1"

When MICHELLE is talking about which outfit she wants to wear, the speechbubble appears with the words but no animation is shown. She isn’t moving her lips as words come out of her mouth. Actually, this happens in quite a few scenes like when she’s asking “How do I look?”

Her mom didn’t tell her why they moved to Wyoming? Hmm, interesting, so very interesting…

Michelle’s never had a boyfriend? Ha ha, that’s OK, same! Except Michelle wants one and I don’t XD

Again, you have scenes where the characters have words coming out of their mouth but no animation is shown.

I went with the flirty pickup line XD

“Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart.” <- Ha ha, good one. You don’t need a comma after thief, though.

MICHELLE: I’m Michelle, it’s nice to meet you. <- in the classroom, she should say this. So, it would be it’s (it + is) instead of its.

Michelle’s math scores aren’t good so she needs a tutor. Hmm, I think I know where this is going…

“I will let your mother know (that) you will be home late” <- the m in mother shouldn’t be capitalized.

Ha ha, Michelle got a friend pretty fast and is thinking about being someone’s girlfriend automatically without getting to know them first, slow down girl!

Jade gives her phone number really fast. They hit it off right away but will it last? I love how you used x to display a number of Jade’s phone number.

I like how you gave us a list of questions to choose from. I picked all of them and learned so much more about Jade and Michelle.

JADE: Since I was about six <- better to write “six” as opposed to "6"

MICHELLE: We have moved about all my life but before we lived here, we lived in Phoenix, Arizona. It was really hot though. <- much better to write this. There doesn’t need to be a comma after the word but and a isn’t needed before the words really hot.

A party at Kaiden Brown’s house? Will it be swimming themed since he’s head of the swim team?

Sometimes sentences don’t end with a period. Fix that.

Michelle finding everyone in this school cute was adorable lol

Blake seemed really confident to me but according to Michelle, he’s shy. I gained a point with him and I’m happy about that.

The car scene glitched a few times, these glitches were super short but it was noticeable and needs to be fixed.

So Blake and Dennis are twins? Very cool!

The speechbubble covers Michelle’s face as she thinks about them being twins and her shock over that. Fix this by positioning the speechbubble a little lower and then resetting it when you’re ready to move on.

MOM: “Yes, this is her.” <- I’d go with “her” over “she”.

UNKNOWN mentions his name is Zach Dennor, not so unknown anymore XD

UNKNOWN: I am calling to announce that your application for a job in our office <- It is your, not you’re (you + are)

So her job is really far and Michelle will be staying with the twins for a year? Intriguing.

When the mom walks to the neighbor’s house, have her walk slower and have her walk rear.

Sometimes the characters smile in awkward moments when they should be sad. And they walk off happily when they shouldn’t.

Mr. Adams comes to the door really fast, so it looks weird. And when he opens it, Michelle’s mother and him look “glued” together, standing together (blocking a bit of each other). Very strange.

Keep her safe? From what? I want to know, you got me all curious.

I got one point with Dennis and two points with Blake.

The mom telling Michelle it isn’t safe…OK, I SERIOUSLY wanna know what’s going on.

When Michelle texts Jade, the text bubble is off the phone.

“Pause for unknown moving shit” - OMG, this made me giggle ^^

So, before your story finishes, Michelle is lying off the bed.

Overall, I did enjoy this story. It could be awkward sometimes but for the most part, it was an interesting read with wonderful dialogue and cool characters! Great job <3 <3 <3

P.S Please note, this review is not meant to offend but to help you improve. I’m not a professional reviewer although I try my best and put my heart and soul into my reviews. Anyways, have a lovely day! :heart:

Some Screenshots

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I have one more slot open so feel free to request, your request may be done fast! For some reason, i’m kind of in a reviewing mood :thinking: :blob_hearts:

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Bump :kissing_heart: :crazy_face:

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hey, when you have time, i’d love a review please

i was gonna enter this story in the adventurous contest but something came up, i’m thinking about just publishing and finishing it anyway but im not sure

On it, thanks for requesting :disco:

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My Review

First of all, the gun overlay sliding across the floor was epic. The Adventurous Undercover Princess Overlay was very cool and cute.

For the most part, your directing was smooth and you got a good grip on it. When Brianna is punching the officer in the beginning, she is punching the air behind him. Put her at a higher layer as she punches him.

“Now, where was I?” Ha ha ha, I love how sassy Brianna is <3

BRIANNA: Sure you did, brother. <- the comma can go after did but having it go after you makes the sentence awkward.

When we customize the characters, you have all features present except for a few. I recommend to use Dara’s templates for customization as she has all ink feature present within the CC templates.

When Brianna’s laying in bed, thinking about how crappy her life is, the speechbubble covers a bit of her face. You can use Apes’ tutorial and position it lower.

BRIANNA: Women have (like) zero rights <- much better to write out zero as opposed to 0.

Faker than global warming? Lol, that part made me giggle. The gems are plastic, but don’t Brianna and Thomas know that life in plastic is fantastic? XD

Loved how the cops showed up with their guns and Brianna just slammed the door.

I like some of the choices you had. When the officer says Freeze! I picked “Lol u thought”

I also loved the timed choices. I saved my bro.

The cops have numbers next to their name like Cop6. I recommend to change all of the officer’s display names to Cop. Script names and display names are different. But perhaps you did this for a comedic effect. Either way, I thought I’d let you know.

King George of England’s deal is scary! Execution or riches…yikes! Good thing they’re trained for all he has in store! I like how you included Women’s rights and mentioned Woodrow Wilson.

Phew, I’m glad they’re reunited and that her brother didn’t die.

Brianna has to go undercover as a princess betrothed to Noah. Interesting incorportation of gender here.

Sometimes when the characters spoke, their faces would go off the screen. I recommend to have the zoom follow them as they speak.

Brianna bouncing on a bed is so me XD

I didn’t customize Noah, he’s already so gorgeous. Slight problem, when Noah leaves the room it looks like he’s getting shorter.

Thomas is homosexual and that is something frowned upon by people in that time period there as well as being a woman. It must be so terrifying to have to live in fear.

In the closet, the pink dress glitches and appears all over the closet a few times at random for like a second.

I loved the tappable choices you had-choosing between the dresses and reading Nancy’s note.

It’s OK Brianna, I don’t like dresses either XD

Nancy has 13 brothers?! But I believe it was normal then. Poor Nancy, they never listen to her and her being a woman affects her. On a side note, pants are awesome!!!

When King George asks “What is the woman’s name again?” the speechbubble leans slightly to Noah. Also, I love how you used a text effect for this.

I loved the timed choices of the fight-I defeated all of King George’s best men. Go me!

Side note, Thomas looks really big in comparison to Brianna as they face King George when he congratulates them on defeating the men without getting hit once.

I see you ended at the customization of Rose, the girl who comes running in and crashes into Brianna.

The backgrounds were for the most part from Episode but overall I enjoyed, it was well written with very few errors, interesting characters (Brianna’s my fav) and super cool dialogue! Amazing job <3

P.S Please note, this review is not meant to offend but to help you improve. I’m not a professional reviewer although I try my best and put my heart and soul into my reviews. Anyways, have a lovely day! :heart:

Some Screenshots

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omg this made me laugh so much! now i really want to publish! thanks so much and i will fix all of the bugs!

also, the chapter won’t end like that in the final draft, i just kinda left it there cuz i was tired lol

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The unknown moving thing was in the 2nd chapter which isn’t finished yet lol, it was only the 1st chapter I asked you to review which ended with Michelle and the mum arguing but thank a bunch, I didn’t notice most of these problems but I will fix them right away thanks so much, also not telling Michelle why it isn’t safe etc is definitely on purpose muahaha. As for the text bubbles going off of the phone, I don’t actually know how to fix that, I might change the layout of the texting so it is narrator messages instead so it fits. And tbh the unknown being on the phone was 100% because I couldn’t be bothered making another character when I was coding that bit lol