My Review:
First of all, wow, thanks for telling me this story has a points system, I’m excited for that; getting to unlock outfits, scenes and seeing how many points I get for a character will be very fun <3
NARR: Also if you get enough points with one person <— much better to write “one” as opposed to "1"
When MICHELLE is talking about which outfit she wants to wear, the speechbubble appears with the words but no animation is shown. She isn’t moving her lips as words come out of her mouth. Actually, this happens in quite a few scenes like when she’s asking “How do I look?”
Her mom didn’t tell her why they moved to Wyoming? Hmm, interesting, so very interesting…
Michelle’s never had a boyfriend? Ha ha, that’s OK, same! Except Michelle wants one and I don’t XD
Again, you have scenes where the characters have words coming out of their mouth but no animation is shown.
I went with the flirty pickup line XD
“Hello, I’m a thief and I’m here to steal your heart.” <- Ha ha, good one. You don’t need a comma after thief, though.
MICHELLE: I’m Michelle, it’s nice to meet you. <- in the classroom, she should say this. So, it would be it’s (it + is) instead of its.
Michelle’s math scores aren’t good so she needs a tutor. Hmm, I think I know where this is going…
“I will let your mother know (that) you will be home late” <- the m in mother shouldn’t be capitalized.
Ha ha, Michelle got a friend pretty fast and is thinking about being someone’s girlfriend automatically without getting to know them first, slow down girl!
Jade gives her phone number really fast. They hit it off right away but will it last? I love how you used x to display a number of Jade’s phone number.
I like how you gave us a list of questions to choose from. I picked all of them and learned so much more about Jade and Michelle.
JADE: Since I was about six <- better to write “six” as opposed to "6"
MICHELLE: We have moved about all my life but before we lived here, we lived in Phoenix, Arizona. It was really hot though. <- much better to write this. There doesn’t need to be a comma after the word but and a isn’t needed before the words really hot.
A party at Kaiden Brown’s house? Will it be swimming themed since he’s head of the swim team?
Sometimes sentences don’t end with a period. Fix that.
Michelle finding everyone in this school cute was adorable lol
Blake seemed really confident to me but according to Michelle, he’s shy. I gained a point with him and I’m happy about that.
The car scene glitched a few times, these glitches were super short but it was noticeable and needs to be fixed.
So Blake and Dennis are twins? Very cool!
The speechbubble covers Michelle’s face as she thinks about them being twins and her shock over that. Fix this by positioning the speechbubble a little lower and then resetting it when you’re ready to move on.
MOM: “Yes, this is her.” <- I’d go with “her” over “she”.
UNKNOWN mentions his name is Zach Dennor, not so unknown anymore XD
UNKNOWN: I am calling to announce that your application for a job in our office <- It is your, not you’re (you + are)
So her job is really far and Michelle will be staying with the twins for a year? Intriguing.
When the mom walks to the neighbor’s house, have her walk slower and have her walk rear.
Sometimes the characters smile in awkward moments when they should be sad. And they walk off happily when they shouldn’t.
Mr. Adams comes to the door really fast, so it looks weird. And when he opens it, Michelle’s mother and him look “glued” together, standing together (blocking a bit of each other). Very strange.
Keep her safe? From what? I want to know, you got me all curious.
I got one point with Dennis and two points with Blake.
The mom telling Michelle it isn’t safe…OK, I SERIOUSLY wanna know what’s going on.
When Michelle texts Jade, the text bubble is off the phone.
“Pause for unknown moving shit” - OMG, this made me giggle ^^
So, before your story finishes, Michelle is lying off the bed.
Overall, I did enjoy this story. It could be awkward sometimes but for the most part, it was an interesting read with wonderful dialogue and cool characters! Great job <3 <3 <3
P.S Please note, this review is not meant to offend but to help you improve. I’m not a professional reviewer although I try my best and put my heart and soul into my reviews. Anyways, have a lovely day!
Some Screenshots
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