Grammar Review for @ThuyTo on their story A Forbidden and Illegally love:
OK, so the story title should say “A Forbidden and Illegal Love”
Breaking it down even further, I’d encourage you to drop either the word forbidden or illegal from your title as those two words, while they are different, can sometimes mix.
Your description says “Sylvia enrolls high school and meets a hot teacher. While getting closer to each other she discovers the dark side of him. Just then her life took it turns and changed forever.”
Edited: “Sylvia enrolls in high school and meets a hot teacher. While getting closer to each other, she discovers the dark side of him. Just then her life takes a turn and is changed forever.”
Better: “Sylvia enrolls in high school and her path crosses with a hot teacher. While getting closer to him, she discovers he has a dark side and her life is changed forever.”
OK, hopefully he’s not violent or creepy or dangerous or bad or anything that is emotionally stressing to another person and he is instead sweet and caring <3
Chapter 1 of your story:
So when AUTHOR says “If you feel like it’s weird or you don’t like it. Then don’t read it.” It should be one sentence instead: “If you feel like it’s weird or you don’t like it, then don’t read it.” Actually, I would argue that instead of then don’t read it, it should be “then don’t continue reading it.”
Oh OK, I see that you mentioned English is your 2nd language and that there will be grammar mistakes in your story.
“Also I wrote this story on mobile, so it doesn’t have much effects as in computer.” Instead can be something like: “Also, I wrote this story on mobile, not the Writer’s Portal so there will be some limitations in terms of directing and other stuff that isn’t possible to work with on mobile only.”
So you wrote “Sometimes if you encounter anything weird or glitches, about characters or movements, please don’t mind about it.” This whole line should be removed. You want your readers to send you a message if they notice glitches so it can help you. If it’s something that can’t be fixed, then a ticket should be sent.
“Anyways hope you enjoy!” There should be a comma in this: “Anyways, hope you enjoy!”
OK, AUTHOR is about to leave and slides back, this is an issue with the directing. I will mostly be focusing on grammar though I needed to point this out, make AUTHOR walk back smoothly.
For “This story contains mature themes and a little strong language,” remove “a little” and add “some” or simply leave it. It would sound smoother.
For the warning, instead of agreed, it is agree. And for the part that says “the content this story has.” You can also substitute the word contains for the word has.
“This is a story about a student fall in love with her teacher. Yeah it’s crazy. Hope you enjoy!” Instead it can be: “This is a story about a student falling in love with her teacher. Yeah, it’s crazy. Hope you enjoy!”
OR “This is a story about how a student falls in love with her teacher.”
The speech bubble is covering her face as it says “Now lemme introduce you about my family and friends.” Lemme is fine to use, even though it’s not an actual word (it comes from let + me). However it should be: “Now lemme introduce you to my family and friends.”
So when you write “They’re the greatest parents I’ve ever had” it makes it seem like she’s had other parents in her life. If you don’t want this then instead of saying that, you can write something like (example) “They’re the best parents a girl can ever have.”
“Sometime they are so nice make me feel annoying” should be “Sometimes, they are so nice and it annoys me [so much].”
When her father says “Tomorrow, you will go to school, start your fresh year and meeting friends.” Can be:
“Tomorrow, you will go to [your] school to start your new year and make/meet friends”
You will go = You’ll go
I would argue that for new/fresh year, replace it with her grade (she’s sixteen so something like grade 10/11 or a different type of level depending on where she is going to school)
When mom says “Have you eat yet? I will go cook something for you?” It should be “Have you eaten yet? If not, I’ll cook something for you.”
A comma should go in “hungry, my dear.” when the mother speaks.
Also make the father do another animation since he’s standing there with his finger pointed up, frozen for a pretty long time.
For “This is my best friend, Elen. We’ve met since we were kids and we grew up together so she is like my sister.” Instead go with “This is my best friend Elen. We met when we were kids and we grew up together. She’s like a sister to me.”
For “She love[s] to chat by phone and [she is] a very crazy party person. “ –it can beà “She loves to chat on the phone and is very crazy when it comes to parties.” The [/] were added to show what you were missing.
“Hi, how are you Sarah?” So there should be a comma there.
“Yeah, she loves to chat.” Instead of “Yea she love to chat.”
“It’s me, Sylvia.” A comma goes between this.
“I’m boring I just wanna chat…” Can be “I’m bored, I just wanna chat…” Also try not to use three dots at the end a sentence that much as it can get repetitive.
Before the Nah! Or Yes! choice it’d be better worded like this:
Elen: What things do you want to talk about? Do you want to know about some of the hot boys that I know at school?”
I picked yes.
Elen: ‘I knew it! That you will want to know. But seriously…’ For this part, instead write:
Elen: I knew it! I knew that you would want to hear about them. But seriously…,
For when Elen says “Im just kidding girl. I aren’t knowing anything.” It should be: I’m just kidding, girl. I don’t know anything.”
For the next line, it should instead be:
Elen: By the way, I’m holding a party at my house tomorrow night. Do you want to come? It’ll be fun!
A comma between “Bye Sylvia” and “see you again” so: “Bye Sylvia, see you again.” I would argue that see you soon is better and if you’re saying “see you soon” in place of see you again, you don’t need Bye, so it would just become: “See you soon Sylvia.”
A comma needs to go between “It’s late” and “I got to go to sleep.” So, an example (I replaced I got to go to sleep with something more naturally used): “It’s late, I should get some sleep.”
Sylvia’s disappearing and pop up scared me at the school. Remember to make her walk smoothly.
When Sylvia says “Wow…Its big.” It should be: “Wow, it’s big.” It’s (it +is) it’s vs its is very important to look for when you’re going over the grammar of your story.
When Elen says that “one of them ask me out.” It should be: “one of them asked me out.”
When Sylvia says “Really?..” remove the three dots.
“I’m hungry. Let’s go find something to eat.” ß-for that part, include something between I’m hungry and let’s go find something to eat.
“School just hire he here.” <- for this part when Elen says this outside of the school as they are admiring Erik Jonathon, it can be something like: “The school recently hired him to teach here.”
“Like, if you behave badly or do something horrible that gets you kicked out of class.” Would be a better fit for “Like if you are bad behave or something that’s make a teacher in class send you out.” This sentence would not make sense so you’d need to make changes to it. For example, bad behave = behave badly, portray bad behavior, etc.
Hmm, this is the first time I’ve heard of keeper be used in a schooling system. I’ll need to search this up later.
“Hmm that suck.” Would become “Hmm, that sucks.”
For the “raise you into a nice person.” I’d suggest something like “he will make sure you turn out to be a good student.” Raise is used more for parents.
“What wrong?” should be “What’s wrong?”
While Sylvia and her friend are talking, try having the principal and new teacher do looping animations like they’re talking so it doesn’t look like they’re just standing around.
Erik: How can he suppose to study without a notebook? <- should instead be: “How is he supposed to study without his notebook?”
O.M.G, I can’t believe he ripped his notebook. Jerk.
“What made you do that?” instead of “What reason make you do that?”
“I just hate him. That’s it.” Include the I since “Just hate him.” sounds a bit awkward.
“Which hand did you use to tear it apart?” instead of “Which hands you used to tear it off?”
“Then he took out a big ass stick and hit Josh’s left hand very hard.” should be written instead.
“You better stay out of trouble or I won’t spare your right hand. By the time I’m done with it, you won’t even be able to use a spoon.” Would be better instead of “Watch out your behavior or else the other hand of yours can’t even use spoon.”
When Sylvia says “He’s so menly.” it should instead be “He’s so manly.”
Hitting someone with a stick doesn’t make him manly, it just makes him a psycho, in my opinion though ^^
“What will happen next?” instead of “What happen next?”
When AUTHOR comes in, it should be “feel free to write me a comment/fanmail on what you thought about my story.” Instead of “feel free to write me your comment on the story.”
Fanmail or comment can both be used though I’d heavily suggest going with fanmail.
OK, finished episode 1 and I hope this all helps you <3
You have so much potential and I wish you lots of luck on your writing journey, never give up XOXO