🦄 JemU776's Magical Reviews (Temp Closed) 🍭

Story Name: The Witch Prophecy

Author Name on the App: gigistorm

Genre: Fantasy

Story Description: You just found out you are a witch, how will you handle it? Not only that, but you need to now prepare yourself for the most important job in the witch world: being the Oracle!

Style: Limelight

CC (character customization): Yes

Forums Username: @gigistorm

Instagram Username: N/A

My Review:

Not a professional reviewer, all reviews are purely based on my opinion- please do not request for one if you feel like you will be offended and I encourage you to request because you need the feedback. :heart:

“Please keep in my mind that this is my first episode ever” & “the next chapter is better” should be removed. You lose readers by having these types of messages in your story.

When you’re letting us customize the MC, you should include a goto in each of the first two options for the choice on whether we’d like to customize YOU (the MC) or not (the two options = Customize character & Use Profile avatar) and that goto should go under the line of code that either leads them to being customized by sending them to the character avatar or importing the reader’s avatar. Also, the goto should lead to a label that it shares the same name with at the beginning of the choice (not before the word choice but before at least a line of dialogue that is before the choice). You can read about labels and gotos here: 🖤 HOW TO: Labels and Gotos 🖤. To continue, you spelled “customize” wrong; you wrote costumize.

And when you give the option “I look good already!” you should ask yes or no.

So, example:

label customize

NARR
Would you like to customize your character?

choice
“Customize Character”{

@YOU goes to character avatar

goto customize

}“Use Profile Avatar”{

@YOU becomes female profile or YOU

goto customize

}“Ready”{

}

NARR
Are you sure you’re ready?

choice
“Yes”{

}“No”{

goto customize

}

#continue story

When we’re naming YOU (I named her Diana) it would be better for me as a reader to see DIANA as opposed to YOU. Change YOU’s display name to whatever name you assigned to the naming input code.

Ex.
If you used:

NARR
What’s your name?

input What is your name? | What is your name? | Done (NAME)

YOU
I love the name [NAME].

Then NAME should be the display name. Whatever you wrote in the ( ) should be the display name and used throughout your story written in [ ]. You can read more on script and display names here: UNDERSTANDING: Script + Display Names

Instead of having us customize mom, you should write in your script:

@MOM becomes YOU

She will then become a look alike of YOU. From there, you can change some of her features to make her look older.

Check out: HOW TO: Customize Characters

When mom is talking with Diana, zoom in on them.

Throughout your story, you’d have speechbubbles coming out of a character where you have them saying stuff but they didn’t do any animations. It looked so awkward. This happened so many times that I lost count.

You used ! a little too much. In some sentences, it should be a period. Speaking of periods, you were missing a few at the end of sentences.

When you’re zooming on Rain, the zoom is off. The zooms for both the MC and Rain are way off as they talk to each other. You can check out my zooming tutorial on my IG warrior.gem (a directing tips account).

Instead of writing:

YOU

before a choice, you should set the speechbubble’s scale to 0% and then reset it in each option of that choice. More information here: HOW TO: Have Choices Without Dialogue 🗯 💫

Rain Thunderstorm is a cool name.

When Rain walks to the history teacher Mr. Smith, she does so awkwardly. Your rear use was fine but maybe position her a little different?

When Mr. Smith is talking, you have a looping animation running where Mr Smith continues to speak even when he’s not supposed to and no dialogue is coming out of his mouth. To fix this, simply have Mr. Smith start a new animation.

Actually, for characters, you should make them do a wide variety of non-speaking animations while they’re in the scene.

When Rain is talking to Mr. Smith, she’s not even facing him so that was extremely awkward.

The history about it was pretty cool though I would have loved to see flashbacks of it, instead of being told all about it. Showing, not just telling, is more important.

When Rain, Eletrika and Alchemilla enter into the front of the school yard, they enter from the bottom and really fast, it looks really strange. Plus, they look like giants.

Actually, all of the characters look like giants.

Also, you should zoom more in on them.

And, in regards to entering a scene, you should use spot direction.
More info here:

Quick run down of spot direction:

So, just to repeat:

Eletrika: Rain thinks she found a new one. ← thinks, NOT think

Eletrika’s name was hard for me to say at first because of how it’s written but I got the hang of it.

When you’re zooming on the characters, the zoom are way too awkward, it only shows like half of their face and body.

YOU comes into the scene awkwardly, too.

YOU: Me? In your dream? ← the d in dream shouldn’t be capitalized.

SQUALL: Y’all cool? ← Y’all (you + all), NOT yall

The girl behind the MC, Diana, has her hand up from an earlier animation she did, so it can be distracting. Have her do another animation.

When Squall is talking, the camera doesn’t even focus on him. It’s on someone else.

RAIN: You cannot do your little tricks… ← The y in you should be capitalized since it’s beginning after a period.

She’s the one? Hmm, very interesting.

YOU: Date? But it’s not a date. ← it would be it’s (it’s) not its

The few choices I’ve seen were nice and I’ve noticed you used basic positions a lot. Spice it up by adding spot direction. Also here’s a cool article to check out in regards to using script symbols:

“Will Diana find out she’s a witch?” Well, of course she will, no need to ask this question :sweat_smile:

OK, overall, I hate to be discouraging but your whole episode needs a revamp. The directing could be distracting, it was hard to follow sometimes and had way too many errors. I recommend for you to lock your story in the meantime as you fix. Do not shout out your story as it is not good, directing wise. People may give you false compliments if you do a read for read and you will not gain genuine readers as so much of this story needs fixing. Once you’ve revamped your story, feel free to promote it. And again, I apologize deeply if I sound rude but I need to be honest and tell you this; I want your story to do great but so far, it has way too many errors and I’m sure people wouldn’t go to the second episode. BUT I know that you can do it, you can make it better and just know that your story has a lot of potential. Good luck! I hope all of this helps you :blob_sun: :blob_turtle:

P.S Please note, this review is not meant to offend but to help you improve. I’m not a professional reviewer although I try my best and put my heart and soul into my reviews. Anyways, have a lovely day! :yellow_heart:

Much love, JemU776 :icecream: :blob_hearts:

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