🦄 JemU776's Magical Reviews (Temp Closed) 🍭

Story Name: You’re My Sunshine

Author Name: Faith Rose

Forums Username: @Faith.episode.cats

My Review:

*Disclaimer = this review is not meant to offend or harm, just to help you improve, it’s my honest opinion :black_heart:

First of all, the description is missing commas while some words shouldn’t start with a capital.

It should say:
"Having a learning disability is hard for Samantha until she meets Nick, her sunshine."

AUTHOR: You can customize the MC and love interest only. <- customize, not customization

When we’re customizing the MC and love interest, they pop out of nowhere. Have them walk into the scene.

In the flasback, people will sometimes randomly pop up so it looks like they teleported and it doesn’t flow smoothly.

NICK: Why I do keep going back to the hospital? <- the “i” should be capitalized and remove “again” at the end of this sentence as you already mentioned he goes to the hospital again (it just ends up being repetitive).

When Nick exits, he gets larger

The doctor randomly pops out of nowhere as he is about to speak with the parents.

DOCTOR: Sir, calm down. We’re going to try everything we can. <- much better to write.

When you pan to the other zone, Nick randomly pops up.

The readerMessage should say “Nick was ten years old when he had cancer.” <- the “w” in when shouldn’t be capitalized.

The parents randomly pop up in zone 2 where Nick is crying.

The car overlay scene is sort of glitchy in the beginning.

School = hell

Haha, Samantha, girl you can relate to so many of us XD

When the mom says “Don’t let anyone bring you down Sam” you have a comma at the end of this. It should be a period.

“Hi, I’m Samantha.” <- much better to write

Sam has good taste in music, I LOVE FOB! :partying_face:

In front of the Moretti’s house, they pop up.

"and mysterious" OR “and a mystery” but not “and mystery”

MATTEO MORETTI: You need to get out of the house more. You’ve been trapped in your room for days.

I noticed you messed up a lot when it came to you’re vs your

MICHELLE: …your past. <- so, it’s your, not you’re

Sometimes you had a period when it should be a question mark.

MATTEO MORETTI: …your grandparents. <- your, not you’re

Sometimes you were missing periods. When Nick talks about his parents not being able to do anything and says that he’s not going to school ever again, there should be a period to split those sentences.

The girls popped up in front of the school randomly.

You described Tianna Petrov and Skylar Smith. You told the reader that Skyler is a funny, witty girl who makes jokes and loves parties while Tianna Petrov loves animals and enjoys nature. Instead of telling the reader this, show it instead.

"Tiana Petrov is Russian" or “Tiana Petrov is from Russia” is fine to write.

TIANNA: Well, we have only one more year left. <- year, not years

SKYLAR: I can’t wait until it’s officially over. <- it would be it’s (it + is), not its

I would recommend for you to go over it’s vs its

TIANNA: …fraud, he’s one of the… <- the “h” in he shouldn’t be capitalized as it begins after a comma, not a period.

Nick and Milio popped up randomly. Also, they are way too big! They tower over the cars.

MILIO: …you’re in this school… <-- “you’re” not your

When Camille and Ella are talking there are some errors in their sentences.

CAMILLE: I think I know a way… <- add “a” after the word know

When Ella is asking Camille why she’s willing to help him out again, there should be a question mark at the end of her sentence as she is asking a question.

ELLA: Look, it’s Sam and her loser friends. <- it’s (it + is), not its and it would be “loser” not losers.

it’s vs its, you’re vs your and characters popping up were a very common issue.

In the school, Samantha runs in one spot which looks awkward.

Nick comes randomly out of nowhere, they fall (it looked glitchy) and they stay on the floor for quite a while.

I told Nick off LOL

The other option for the choice of how to handle the situation should say “Apologize to him” NOT apologizes

I cannot believe Nick called me a bimbo…oh it’s war you angry ball of rudeness!

Nick gets shorter as he walks off screen. Samantha’s size also changes as she goes offscreen.

Don’t tell the reader Ryan Johnson is really obsessed with pizza. Show it instead (actually, you did a really good job of showing Ryan’s pizza addiction, props to you for that).

Don’t tell me what the others are like, show me.

“Alex loves art is a tomboy” is not right. This means her whole name is Alex loves art. Instead “Alex loves art and she is a tomboy” although like I’ve stated previously, it’s better to show than tell.

The three students tower over the lockers, so it looks very strange.

RYAN: …new pizza place that’s down the street! <- that’s (that + is), NOT thats

RYAN: First, we have to eat pizza together… <- the “w” in we shouldn’t be capitalized.

NICK: I’m not interested in making friends. <- interested, not interest

Nick and Ryan eating pizza together and talking Italian was funny LOL, I enjoyed the scene a lot.

The teacher pops out of nowhere.

In the classroom, the students pop out of nowhere.

“Please give the overlays some time to pop up.” <- this readerMessage should be removed.

So, um, the characters are not behind desks at all. In fact, it looks like they’re sitting on air.

SKYLAR: …have no fear, Sky is here… <- the s in sky should be capitalized as it’s her name.

SAMANTHA: I think there’s a better way to handle this… <- there’s (there + is) instead of theirs. Also, three dots instead of two.

“Without violence” not “without violences

SKYLAR: We kidnap her and put her in the backseat! <- kidnap, not kidnapped

Woah, haha, their humor is dark and boy did things take an extreme turn…

The blue haired guy on the phone in the bottom right corner repeatedly walks in one spot. It looks very strange.

LEON WOODS: Yo, it’s Daddy Woods… <- it would be it’s (it + is), not its

SKYLAR: Oh why, yes you can… <- much smoother to write.

SAMANTHA: Ignore my friend, we were wondering… <- we were, not We was

Make them all shocked at once, not one by one.

NARR: Oh no, what will happen to Samantha? <- happen, not happened

OK, overall, your story has a lot grammatical and directing errors but it had its funny moments like the pizza scene and its emotional moments where Nick had cancer. Fix those errors and you should be good to go! Great job and I hope this helps XD

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