I’ve been reading this as The Art of World for a bit. Now I’m thinking that the story might have to do with poetry.
Oo cynical attitude. I haven’t read a story with a cynical main character in a while.
I’ll be reading this on my Samsung
This is the first time I’ve seen an author intro use a horse.
I wanted to see the character in case I wanted to CC, and my thoughts were that I believe the CC is the least important part of the story >.<
LMAO 100%, 99%
I unlocked an achievement of non-noisy (?) wasn’t quite sure what it said as the message went away too fast for me to read it
29 → twenty-nine
Ms. → Miss
I mentioned this in my additional information, but I have a pet peeve with a lot of readerMessages.
Dr. → Doctor
How come Episode is always ***?
$5 → five dollars.
I see you have the spicy and sweet at the end of the episode. I personally would have liked to have known going into the story, as I was like… am I getting lollipops?
Damn author has a crush on me.
Ngl → N.G.L.
Ik → I.K.
16” → sixteen inches.
Asking the real questions Willow, what about a psychiatrist because that guy needs one
rn → R.N.
I’m tempted to click Pentagon
I chose to lose to see what happens
What, the tic tok ID?
I tried to work with Niel, but didn’t work out
Magic Horse is back? Yes.
9 → nine
Dance the zombies away
Rip I died
Not a lucky guess, I just know xD
I didn’t pay attention in geography class, I just did the math real fast >.<
Um okay zombie
The MC is on the front later when the map appears this time.
Marrying a pumpkin now
S is above the map
Final Thoughts | The Art of Word by Teresa
You wanted me to focus on plot and directing, with an audience in mind who is of similar age. Since I don’t know your age, I assume you’re younger than me and closer to the target audience of 13-18. I think your flow could be better, but it’s balanced well with the parody and fourth-wall-hitting main character. For example, in a scene with the parents dropping off Willow at camp instead of her just appearing at camp, but then she makes comments like O.O damn I got here fast, and hits the fourth wall so it balances out. As for the plot, I found it a little hard to understand at times but understood more as the story progressed. You had a lot of choices, most of them being dialog but it was entertaining and how creative your responses were. I think adding information about the choices at the start of the episode would help. If you did, I apologize, I must have missed it trying to read all the readerMessages (or if it was a readerMessage, I didn’t catch it because I was reading the dialog). I think that you should consider mentioning that your story is a parody in the summary if there is space. That way, it really stands out in the comedy genre, as there aren’t too many parodies out there.
I only saw the occasional directing error, mostly with laying in Episode 3 with the map behind the character.
Story : Midnight Saga: MARKED
Author : JANB
Genre : Fantasy/Romance
Episodes Published : 3; maybe 4 by time you get to read it lol
Story Link : Episode Writer Portal
Instagram : @janb.stories
Additional Information that helps me
Total Episodes When Complete? : 10 - 15
Part of a Contest? : No
IPAD Friendly? : Slightly?
Who do you think your target audience is? : Teens
Anything you’d like me to focus on? : My grammar & story pacing? Thank you so much <3
I wonder if the court is going to be involved. I watched a lot of SVU so I know a thing or two xD
If not, I also work with Law Enforcement so I will know a thing or two.
Hmm, I wonder if you’re pressing charges and have to prove them?
Ah, it seems to have a romantic undertone
aka → A.K.A.
If you wanted, you could give Ezra one of the bloody clothing articles (like the one that goes on top of everything) for additional effect
36 → thirty-six
26 → twenty-six
54 → fifty-four
56 → fifty-six – oop most officers I know are retired at this age, or getting very close to it.
Ahh stalk background character outfits
Ok → Okay
Why’s → why is
8 → eight
“…law school, Mira… You were…” - you have double periods here** I notice this a few times, throughout the story.
“$300” → three hundred dollars
“$5,000” → five thousand dollars
I understand that the LI was a bit of a playboy in college, but to sabotage and scam sits uneasily with me because of law-justice-etc.
I like the pink
It IS my color. It suits me very well
FML → F.M.L.
2 → two
“Hello, my dear prosecutor. I’m a police officer, Detective Sara” → This sounds odd. How come the detective is calling the MC my dear prosecutor?
“Yes, my prosecutor…” ^ ditto as above, this sounds odd.** After reading all three episodes, I think that it’s possible that you want to mention the title in the story, but it sounds really odd to me. I think that if you wanted to include it in the story, the place that it would fit the best is when Hunter is talking to the MC. It’s almost like a taunt.
2 bullets → two bullets
“my prosecutor” → Prosecutor
Stupid isn’t a curse word, it doesn’t need to be ***
Ah ha, that is where the phone went
50 → fifty
This men is really crazy → This man is really crazy
Final Thoughts | My Dear Prosecutor By Nurella
You have a good story going on. I’ll admit, I was getting worried that the first three episodes were going to be all flashbacks but the story picked up and entered its main plot halfway through Episode Two. It’s unique in the way the prosecutor is solving the case (but this wouldn’t be the case in real life), yet it’s your own story and it doesn’t need to follow the real-life world.
I did mark a small handful of un-typed out numbers and text-lingo because it’s a pet peeve of mine. You are not obligated to change anything, but perhaps keep it in mind while writing future episodes - as there was this poll done a while ago on the forums, which asked people what they preferred. While most did not prefer it, a good amount of people said it did matter to them.
One last suggestion I have is to be mindful of how the background characters look. I have a pet peeve with default outfits, which I occasionally saw. This likely won’t bother the average reader but what will is when the background characters have bright-colored lips on dark skin or natural dark-colored lips on lighter skin. I’m letting you know now because the meanest fanmails. I’ve ever gotten are around this - therefore, I go in and do minor touch-ups after I use the random character generator.
Thank you so much for your thoughts I really appreciate it!
And yes, there will be a plenty of court scenes in the upcoming episodes. But these scenes will be a little different from the common law. I’ll write the court scenes according to the legal system in Europe. (continental european law) / (Civil law)
I mean, there is no such thing as a jury trial in my country, and judges take a more active role in court proceedings. For the record, I’m not a lawyer yet. But I’m a law student
Once again, thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughtsYou’re literally the best!
I confided in Michelle, what’s the worst that can happen?
5 → five
How is Candace seeing through the cucumbers xD
I find their relationship interesting. It’s obviously unhealthy, but not abusive, which is something I am weirdly glad to see. I see abusive/cheating relationships all the time, and it’s possible it could go that way, but as of now, it’s not.
eyeboobs or is it eye-see-boobies
I decided to talk to Candace
Random but I was gone for a few months so I love seeing these new outfits, like the blue hoodie. Adorbs.
I decided to text her
Good ethics to cover Michelle for the cab, but rip my speed
Damn, I risk getting shut down? Okay, I’m going to guess parents/siblings. I swear if it’s the color Imma yeet myself
12th → Twelfth
24 → twenty-four
I’m down to the last four questions. I’m guessing it’s body or parents because there are two questions about siblings and therefore, I imagine the answers are similar. I’ll go with the ‘have’ first, and if her reaction is panicky, then I’ll skip the relationship question
OMG, she did the deep breath
~victory dance~! Now do I ask the shutdown question or nah?? Honestly, a little spooked I’ll lose points so I’ll skip it
Damn does she even know my name yet?
Yeah, she’s more understanding but how long will it last and —ooooop
I tried to step in
Wow that was snippy and rude WaLk OvEr YoU
Yes, she is very cute
OP, can I unyeet it
Damn, the cliff hanger
Final Thoughts | Can’t Let Go by Bellae
Thank you for your patience, I’ve just been really swamped.
For the semi-friendly IPad choice, you could do a choice [shouldPaginate] which makes the choices look like this:
I think that your grammar is good, just my pet peeve of untyped numbers/Mr/Ms here and there.
I think that your pace and character development are wonderful. As mentioned earlier, I really enjoy seeing the unhealthy relationship that the MC is in. I often see the MC still recovering from an unhealthy relationship, or it’s for dramatic effect. While the relationship has drama, I believe it adds more to their character development instead of just being like ~aahh drama~. For example, how they can go one moment in love and the next bickering. I look forward to seeing how the MC grows with the help of her friend(s).
I’ll be reading on my Samsung since you aren’t so sure.
I’m having trouble finding your story through name and author
I can’t find your Instagram.
Story link didn’t work at first.
Second try, victory!
Did I just skip to the end of the episode? Oh the support is first
“50 cents” → “fifty cents”
Ah nooo the sus haircut
You’re very good at using descriptions with narration
“1…” → “one…”
“2…” → “two…”
“Mr” → “Mister”
Hehe, I actually thought the episode was a tad on the longer side
Movie vibes with the credits rolling up
“60” → “sixty”
I wonder if he’s like a monster hunter
I wouldn’t want to wake up either hahah
“The man name” → “the man’s name”
Yesi you’re a witness lovely
Yessss simp for me
Rip my sixty days
I wonder why he glared at the doctor
No limit, quite the sugar daddy
Talking down the street scene is a little long
I’m his mate-soulmate-lover-boo-sugarbaby?
Bella is trying to set up his brother lmaooo
Please don’t hurt the bear D:
Cold like the UNDEAD??? DUN DUN DUNNN
Final Thoughts | MARKED by JANB
Thank you for your patience,
You asked that I check on your grammar and story pace - and for grammar, I only saw one mistake in Episode Two, other than my little pet peeves. For story pace, I personally think it’s a tad on the slower end because very quickly, the first and a chunk of the second become more like the backstory to the main plot. However, your story is very narration heavy, which makes sense to draw out the scenes and really give each scene some depth. Therefore, I’m optimistic that Episode Four is when the drama gates flood open and all the groundwork and foreshadowing you’ve implied in the first three episodes is going to make a thrilling chapter.
I think your narration is beautiful. I believe that it’s a great balance between the character’s inward feelings / outward feelings. Especially how it’s paced out. For example, the shorter dialog gives a thrilling and anxious feeling, also while zooming in - music/sounds too! It’s definitely something I would consider flexing when describing your story. It’s something I’ll be mentioning to my readers when I share your story.
Old lady story, I’m intrigued. Never enough of these on the app.
I think I see that you’ve won a few awards for this story - congrats!
I’ll be reading on my Samsung
I did slight CC >.< don’t kill meee
Mrs. → Miss / Misses
Just had an earthquake, that was wild. I’ll have to pick this up tomorrow.
Mr. → Mister
I wonder why she’s pointing at the wall
Did you have music in your other story?
26 → Twenty-Six?
Twenty-six? I cough cough die as well. Man, if I’m expected to be settling down in four years I’m going to hide in Alaska
Omgee is it going to be love at first sight?
I decided to talk to him
I’ll be wearing PJ’s today, whoops
5 → Five
Matchmaker grandma creeping in uwu
3 → Three
Bananas? I didn’t know that bananas we a big thing in the Philippines
That timing with that bike was great B.T.W., the friend mentioning the bike and dress reminded me.
I changed the topic
Dr. → Doctor
4 → Four
OP we don’t know his name hahaha
Is there going to be a setup hehehe
OMG it’s set up or you just hella tricked the reader D:
I like the cactuses (cacti?) in your end card
Not sure of the connection of Zinnias yet
Lmao they stretched their backs a little far by laughing
Oof, you tricked me
You remember everything about me, that’s sweet
I don’t know - I mean the dresses, the smiling, the blushing it’s all a coinkidink. I swear.
I decided to be doubtful >:D
I see the connection now
I turn around
I said I really like you instead of love you
I said responded with words but he kissed me anyway nuuu
Yeah, how’d they find us?
~17 gems for congrats on finishing the story~
Final Thoughts | Before Zinnias Bloom by Goji
I think that your plot is unique and sweet. It’s definitely a tad on the faster pace side, but that’s expected for a three-episode story and I genuinely believe that you stretched it as far as you could without tediously long episodes. I am not sure what else to say here: My favorite character was a differently matchmaker grandma.
One thing that definitely stood out to me is the music/sounds you used in your story. Now, this is a complete suggestion but something that I really like in stories is when the music fades in/out with the transitions. I think that it would benefit your story, as sometimes when jumping from scene to scene (and therefore music to music genre) feels very abrupt. This is an example of how to code if you are interested.