Lee Funk's Live Thoughts on Your Stories

The Art of Word | Teresa

  • First Impressions

    • I’ve been reading this as The Art of World for a bit. Now I’m thinking that the story might have to do with poetry.
    • Oo cynical attitude. I haven’t read a story with a cynical main character in a while.
    • I’ll be reading this on my Samsung
  • Episode One

    • This is the first time I’ve seen an author intro use a horse.
    • I wanted to see the character in case I wanted to CC, and my thoughts were that I believe the CC is the least important part of the story >.<
    • LMAO 100%, 99%
    • I unlocked an achievement of non-noisy (?) wasn’t quite sure what it said as the message went away too fast for me to read it
    • 29 → twenty-nine
    • Ms. → Miss
    • I mentioned this in my additional information, but I have a pet peeve with a lot of readerMessages.
    • Dr. → Doctor
    • How come Episode is always ***?
    • $5 → five dollars.
    • I see you have the spicy and sweet at the end of the episode. I personally would have liked to have known going into the story, as I was like… am I getting lollipops?
    • Damn author has a crush on me.
  • Episode Two

    • Ngl → N.G.L.
    • Ik → I.K.
    • 16” → sixteen inches.
    • Asking the real questions Willow, what about a psychiatrist because that guy needs one
    • rn → R.N.
    • I’m tempted to click Pentagon
    • I chose to lose to see what happens
    • What, the tic tok ID?
  • Episode Three

    • I tried to work with Niel, but didn’t work out
    • Wild West
    • Magic Horse is back? Yes.
    • 9 → nine
    • Zombie Zity
    • Dance the zombies away
    • Rip I died
    • Not a lucky guess, I just know xD
    • I didn’t pay attention in geography class, I just did the math real fast >.<
    • Um okay zombie
    • The MC is on the front later when the map appears this time.
    • Marrying a pumpkin now
    • S is above the map

Final Thoughts | The Art of Word by Teresa

You wanted me to focus on plot and directing, with an audience in mind who is of similar age. Since I don’t know your age, I assume you’re younger than me and closer to the target audience of 13-18. I think your flow could be better, but it’s balanced well with the parody and fourth-wall-hitting main character. For example, in a scene with the parents dropping off Willow at camp instead of her just appearing at camp, but then she makes comments like O.O damn I got here fast, and hits the fourth wall so it balances out. As for the plot, I found it a little hard to understand at times but understood more as the story progressed. You had a lot of choices, most of them being dialog but it was entertaining and how creative your responses were. I think adding information about the choices at the start of the episode would help. If you did, I apologize, I must have missed it trying to read all the readerMessages (or if it was a readerMessage, I didn’t catch it because I was reading the dialog). I think that you should consider mentioning that your story is a parody in the summary if there is space. That way, it really stands out in the comedy genre, as there aren’t too many parodies out there.

I only saw the occasional directing error, mostly with laying in Episode 3 with the map behind the character.

Thank you!

1 Like

Thank you so much for this detailed live thought :wink: I’ll make sure to fix the mistakes you’ve pointed out!!

2 Likes

Story : Midnight Saga: MARKED
Author : JANB
Genre : Fantasy/Romance
Episodes Published : 3; maybe 4 by time you get to read it lol
Story Link : Episode Writer Portal
Instagram : @janb.stories

:smiley: Additional Information that helps me :smiley:

Total Episodes When Complete? : 10 - 15
Part of a Contest? : No
IPAD Friendly? : Slightly?
Who do you think your target audience is? : Teens
Anything you’d like me to focus on? : My grammar & story pacing? Thank you so much <3

1 Like

Giving this a little bump~

I am going to the beach this weekend and will have some time to catch up on my live thoughts :smiley:

My Dear Prosecutor | By Nurella

  • First Impressions

    • I wonder if the court is going to be involved. I watched a lot of SVU so I know a thing or two xD
    • If not, I also work with Law Enforcement so I will know a thing or two.
    • Hmm, I wonder if you’re pressing charges and have to prove them?
    • Ah, it seems to have a romantic undertone
  • Episode One

    • aka → A.K.A.
    • If you wanted, you could give Ezra one of the bloody clothing articles (like the one that goes on top of everything) for additional effect
    • 36 → thirty-six
    • 26 → twenty-six
    • 54 → fifty-four
    • 56 → fifty-six – oop most officers I know are retired at this age, or getting very close to it.
    • Ahh stalk background character outfits
    • Ok → Okay
    • Why’s → why is
    • 8 → eight
    • “…law school, Mira… You were…” - you have double periods here** I notice this a few times, throughout the story.
    • “$300” → three hundred dollars
    • “$5,000” → five thousand dollars
    • I understand that the LI was a bit of a playboy in college, but to sabotage and scam sits uneasily with me because of law-justice-etc.
  • Episode Two

    • I like the pink
    • It IS my color. It suits me very well
    • FML → F.M.L.
    • 2 → two
    • “Hello, my dear prosecutor. I’m a police officer, Detective Sara” → This sounds odd. How come the detective is calling the MC my dear prosecutor?
    • “Yes, my prosecutor…” ^ ditto as above, this sounds odd.** After reading all three episodes, I think that it’s possible that you want to mention the title in the story, but it sounds really odd to me. I think that if you wanted to include it in the story, the place that it would fit the best is when Hunter is talking to the MC. It’s almost like a taunt.
  • Episode Three

    • 2 bullets → two bullets
    • “my prosecutor” → Prosecutor
    • Stupid isn’t a curse word, it doesn’t need to be ***
    • Ah ha, that is where the phone went
    • 50 → fifty
    • This men is really crazy → This man is really crazy

Final Thoughts | My Dear Prosecutor By Nurella

You have a good story going on. I’ll admit, I was getting worried that the first three episodes were going to be all flashbacks but the story picked up and entered its main plot halfway through Episode Two. It’s unique in the way the prosecutor is solving the case (but this wouldn’t be the case in real life), yet it’s your own story and it doesn’t need to follow the real-life world.

I did mark a small handful of un-typed out numbers and text-lingo because it’s a pet peeve of mine. You are not obligated to change anything, but perhaps keep it in mind while writing future episodes - as there was this poll done a while ago on the forums, which asked people what they preferred. While most did not prefer it, a good amount of people said it did matter to them.

One last suggestion I have is to be mindful of how the background characters look. I have a pet peeve with default outfits, which I occasionally saw. This likely won’t bother the average reader but what will is when the background characters have bright-colored lips on dark skin or natural dark-colored lips on lighter skin. I’m letting you know now because the meanest fanmails. I’ve ever gotten are around this - therefore, I go in and do minor touch-ups after I use the random character generator.

Thank you!

1 Like

Thank you so much for your thoughts :heart: I really appreciate it!

:blush: And yes, there will be a plenty of court scenes in the upcoming episodes. But these scenes will be a little different from the common law. I’ll write the court scenes according to the legal system in Europe. (continental european law) / (Civil law)

I mean, there is no such thing as a jury trial in my country, and judges take a more active role in court proceedings. For the record, I’m not a lawyer yet. But I’m a law student :slight_smile:

Once again, thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughts :heart: You’re literally the best!

2 Likes

Can’t Let Go | Bellae

  • First Impressions

    • What’s a Sparkles Gem?
    • I’ll definitely be dating a female LI
  • Episode One

    • “Ok” → “Okay” or ‘O.K.’
    • I lied to Faye, it’s backfiring
    • I confided in Michelle, what’s the worst that can happen?
    • 5 → five
    • How is Candace seeing through the cucumbers xD
    • I find their relationship interesting. It’s obviously unhealthy, but not abusive, which is something I am weirdly glad to see. I see abusive/cheating relationships all the time, and it’s possible it could go that way, but as of now, it’s not.
  • Episode Two

    • eyeboobs or is it eye-see-boobies
    • I decided to talk to Candace
    • Random but I was gone for a few months so I love seeing these new outfits, like the blue hoodie. Adorbs.
    • I decided to text her
    • Good ethics to cover Michelle for the cab, but rip my speed
    • Damn, I risk getting shut down? Okay, I’m going to guess parents/siblings. I swear if it’s the color Imma yeet myself
    • 12th → Twelfth
    • 24 → twenty-four
    • I’m down to the last four questions. I’m guessing it’s body or parents because there are two questions about siblings and therefore, I imagine the answers are similar. I’ll go with the ‘have’ first, and if her reaction is panicky, then I’ll skip the relationship question
    • OMG, she did the deep breath
    • ~victory dance~! Now do I ask the shutdown question or nah?? Honestly, a little spooked I’ll lose points so I’ll skip it
    • Damn does she even know my name yet?
    • Mr
    • Yeah, she’s more understanding but how long will it last and —ooooop
  • Episode Three

    • Ms
    • I tried to step in
    • Wow that was snippy and rude WaLk OvEr YoU
    • Yes, she is very cute
    • 15
    • Yeet phone
    • OP, can I unyeet it
    • Damn, the cliff hanger

Final Thoughts | Can’t Let Go by Bellae

Thank you for your patience, I’ve just been really swamped.

For the semi-friendly IPad choice, you could do a choice [shouldPaginate] which makes the choices look like this:

I think that your grammar is good, just my pet peeve of untyped numbers/Mr/Ms here and there.

I think that your pace and character development are wonderful. As mentioned earlier, I really enjoy seeing the unhealthy relationship that the MC is in. I often see the MC still recovering from an unhealthy relationship, or it’s for dramatic effect. While the relationship has drama, I believe it adds more to their character development instead of just being like ~aahh drama~. For example, how they can go one moment in love and the next bickering. I look forward to seeing how the MC grows with the help of her friend(s).

Thank you

1 Like

MARKED | JANB

  • First Impressions

    • I’m thinking werewolf
    • I’ll be reading on my Samsung since you aren’t so sure.
    • I’m having trouble finding your story through name and author
    • I can’t find your Instagram.
    • Story link didn’t work at first.
    • Second try, victory!
  • Episode One

    • Did I just skip to the end of the episode? Oh the support is first
    • “50 cents” → “fifty cents”
    • Ah nooo the sus haircut
    • You’re very good at using descriptions with narration
    • “1…” → “one…”
    • “2…” → “two…”
    • “Mr” → “Mister”
    • Hehe, I actually thought the episode was a tad on the longer side
    • Movie vibes with the credits rolling up
  • Episode Two

    • “60” → “sixty”
    • I wonder if he’s like a monster hunter
    • I wouldn’t want to wake up either hahah
    • “The man name” → “the man’s name”
    • Yesi you’re a witness lovely
    • Yessss simp for me
  • Episode Three

    • Rip my sixty days
    • I wonder why he glared at the doctor
    • No limit, quite the sugar daddy
    • Talking down the street scene is a little long
    • I’m his mate-soulmate-lover-boo-sugarbaby?
    • Bella is trying to set up his brother lmaooo
    • Please don’t hurt the bear D:
    • NUUUUUU
    • 10
    • Cold like the UNDEAD??? DUN DUN DUNNN

Final Thoughts | MARKED by JANB

Thank you for your patience,

You asked that I check on your grammar and story pace - and for grammar, I only saw one mistake in Episode Two, other than my little pet peeves. For story pace, I personally think it’s a tad on the slower end because very quickly, the first and a chunk of the second become more like the backstory to the main plot. However, your story is very narration heavy, which makes sense to draw out the scenes and really give each scene some depth. Therefore, I’m optimistic that Episode Four is when the drama gates flood open and all the groundwork and foreshadowing you’ve implied in the first three episodes is going to make a thrilling chapter.

I think your narration is beautiful. I believe that it’s a great balance between the character’s inward feelings / outward feelings. Especially how it’s paced out. For example, the shorter dialog gives a thrilling and anxious feeling, also while zooming in - music/sounds too! It’s definitely something I would consider flexing when describing your story. It’s something I’ll be mentioning to my readers when I share your story.

Thank you!

1 Like

Thank you so much <3 I really appreciate you for giving me your feedback <3 !! Much Love <3

1 Like

Hi, may I request again for my other story?:see_no_evil:

1 Like

No problem :smiley:

Before Zinnias Bloom | Goji

  • First Impressions

    • Wowow someone came back :.) – I’m touched
    • Is Zinnias a flower? – it is!
    • Old lady story, I’m intrigued. Never enough of these on the app.
    • I think I see that you’ve won a few awards for this story - congrats!
    • I’ll be reading on my Samsung
  • Episode One

    • I did slight CC >.< don’t kill meee
    • Doggo!
    • Mrs. → Miss / Misses
    • Just had an earthquake, that was wild. I’ll have to pick this up tomorrow.
    • Mr. → Mister
    • I wonder why she’s pointing at the wall
    • Did you have music in your other story?
    • 26 → Twenty-Six?
    • Twenty-six? I cough cough die as well. Man, if I’m expected to be settling down in four years I’m going to hide in Alaska
    • Omgee is it going to be love at first sight?
    • I decided to talk to him
    • I’ll be wearing PJ’s today, whoops
    • 5 → Five
    • Matchmaker grandma creeping in uwu
  • Episode Two

    • 3 → Three
    • Bananas? I didn’t know that bananas we a big thing in the Philippines
    • That timing with that bike was great B.T.W., the friend mentioning the bike and dress reminded me.
    • I changed the topic
    • Dr. → Doctor
    • 4 → Four
    • OP we don’t know his name hahaha
    • I recommended
    • Is there going to be a setup hehehe
    • OMG it’s set up or you just hella tricked the reader D:
    • I like the cactuses (cacti?) in your end card
  • Episode Three

    • Not sure of the connection of Zinnias yet
    • Lmao they stretched their backs a little far by laughing
    • Oof, you tricked me :frowning:
    • You remember everything about me, that’s sweet
    • I don’t know - I mean the dresses, the smiling, the blushing it’s all a coinkidink. I swear.
    • I decided to be doubtful >:D
    • I see the connection now
    • I turn around
    • I said I really like you instead of love you
    • I said responded with words but he kissed me anyway nuuu
    • Yeah, how’d they find us?
    • ~17 gems for congrats on finishing the story~

Final Thoughts | Before Zinnias Bloom by Goji

I think that your plot is unique and sweet. It’s definitely a tad on the faster pace side, but that’s expected for a three-episode story and I genuinely believe that you stretched it as far as you could without tediously long episodes. I am not sure what else to say here: My favorite character was a differently matchmaker grandma.

One thing that definitely stood out to me is the music/sounds you used in your story. Now, this is a complete suggestion but something that I really like in stories is when the music fades in/out with the transitions. I think that it would benefit your story, as sometimes when jumping from scene to scene (and therefore music to music genre) feels very abrupt. This is an example of how to code if you are interested.

1 Like

Thank you so much for this!:blush:

And I’ll check the fade in and out of the music.:slightly_smiling_face:
Thanks for mentioning that.:heart:

1 Like

No problem :smiley:

1 Like

~Bump~

Bump~

Bump~