Let me know what you think about my story ! I do the same for you

Hello there ! I want to have some feed back about my story ! Here it is :

( not this cover yet but soon )
Title: The Bad boys from YOKAI clan
Autor: Ly
Hope someone can help me !

Hey, I’d love to participate in this with you! My story is called Lawa Bay, and the author is KC. I’ll begin reading yours now. Get back to me as soon as possible!

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I’m in !
Ill read both your stories :slightly_smiling_face:
Mine is Called
Playing Dangerous
I will let you both know when I am done reading :slight_smile:

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Right off the bat, I noted you had no grammatical confidence. In the future, I’d recommend getting someone to proof read your story before publishing and ensure you feel more comfortable with the dialogue presented.

Secondly, Mai was standing in the second opening scene. I thought this was unnecessary as her spotting did not line up with the background nor it’s diameters. I’d recommend simply taking her out of that single scene. :slight_smile:

From the first minute I began reading, I loved Nana! I thought she was absolutely adorable and loved how her looks were similar to her sister’s!

I also loved the diversity presented. It’s difficult to find a story regarding families of such ethnicity!

Mai’s father wasn’t always speaking with his speech bubble, he was often simply idle.

When Mai is thinking, you often have her animation talking.

Mai’s stand-up attitude is something to die for! I love strong opinionated characters, so this was a part of your story I thought was incredible!

Anyways, I liked the first chapter of your story! Hoping to get your review on mine soon! Good luck! :grin:

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Cool ! Send me a screen shot when you read (all?) chapters. I am gonna do the same :slight_smile:

Okay :ok_hand:t2:

First thanks for the review !
So for all the little problem between bubbles and characters… it’s because I create my story on the Mobil creator so it’s not pretty perfect and I saw those imperfections and I do the best that I can to hide them :joy:
And for the grammatical errors I keep learning more and more English but when it’s not your birth language it’s a bit difficult…
And thanks about what you say about Mai cause I put a lot of time to « create » this kind of attitude
Time to read yours now !

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So I read Lawa Bay and I like the mystery mood that have your story, the fact that we don’t really know a lot about characters and that we are confronted to a murder.

I really like your intro, the camera effect, background,… one of my favorite i think.
My favorite moment is when you created the background effect when the girl who going to die drive ( sorry spoiler :joy:)

Maybe for the negative point I say that some action are too « slow » . I just read 1 chapter but the story seem pretty good !

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For Playing dangerous

The story was littlebit too short but you said it at the end of your episode so.

Neka and Jade are pretty endearing, they are lovely and the connexion between them seem real.

If I can give you a tips, maybe give us more description, details about the past life of Jade and his ex boyfriend.

The mystery between the « gang » and jade’s exboyfriend are interesting! We want to know why the member shot him !

So I read just one chapter too and it’s seem interesting ! Keep going too !

So I am reading
The Bad Boys from YOKAI CLAN
So i read that it says that English isn’t your first language
As the previous post says that having someone to help with the grammar of it could be an idea.
Considering english is your second language (which by the way english is the hardest to learn )
You are doing very well !!
So far I rather enjoy it.
I love me a bad boy story !!
Plus Mai is feisty which is something I also love !
Is this your first story ?
If it is … I’m extremely impressed that you know the place movements ( i think that’s what it’s called)
It took me until episode 4 to figure out how to place them further back ( adding them to certain spots )
I love the different ethnicity’s you used ! Diversity is awesome.
I love how Mai called him his hot sushi friend ! I laughed out loud at that one
I’m just finishing chapter 4 and I really like it.
I like how Mai had no problem telling the girls off
She is a great character !!
I hope to see your next chapters !!

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I am now reading
Lawa Bay
I’ve never actually read this type of story ( I’m used to the ink version I believe it’s called)
The first chapter I am shocked at how much work you put iinto all of it !!
Every last detail even the car driving parts !!
I agree about the actions being slow… although I don’t think that was you … maybe its just the type of format used for the limelight ( if that’s what it’s called)
I really enjoyed what you have done so far !
Good job on it… seriously you have every last detail down !!

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Awe, thank you! :two_hearts:

I’ll read your story as soon as I’m able to!

It’s a really good story !! How did you get so many new backgrounds ? Do you make your own?

Yep! I edited a variety of different images and pasted them together with different times and etc.

Thank you very much ! I think too that it’s an good idea if someone can help me with English… have to think for this point.
Oh and i’m so happy that you read all my episode’s chapter and that you appreciate it ! The episode 5 coming soon so be ready :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

I’m looking forward to reading it !
Or and regarding your message about my episode.
I didn’t want to put to much info in one episode.
I decided to do a ton of cliff hangers !
Each episode will show more and more about the past and how Jade got there…
It’ll show her in the present plus in the past.
I am hoping it’ll make people come back to read more.
I have read a few episodes ( okay maybe a lot love this app )
And I love the fact that sometime it just leaves you wanting more and more.
My husband read the first episode and he was like " What happens … Who is Jarrod etc "
I am hoping I have the same effect on everyone !
Thank you so much for reading my story :slight_smile:

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