Looking for a proof reader to read my story Love Lies

Hi If you have spare time I could really use some beta readers to help proofread my story’s I would also like an honest opinion on my First story. BTW my story is called love lies
Thx xoxo
Or read it here : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4735637765292032

After reading episode 1 and 2, I have found:

  • Grammar and punctuation errors.
    For some people, this can be the reason they won’t read your story.
    Let me know if you would like all the instances I found.

  • Directing errors.
    The characters appears, disappears and/or walks in backwards.

  • Speech and speech bubble placement.
    Either the tail is in the wrong direction, the speech bubble is in the wrong place (Eg. covering the characters face) or the wrong character is talking.

Possible spoilers!

Episode 1: Customisation Episode
It’s nice to introduce yourself as the author. Personally, I don’t like but each to their own. However, I did find it a bit excessive. You told the reader things they didn’t need to know. Eg. When they will be customising each character. I think the customisation of the family, especially the twin sister, should be automatic.
Because this is only a customisation episode. It is quite short. I would suggest adding some of the story into episode one. You want to draw readers in, so they will use a pass to continue to episode two.

Episode 2: Major Spoilers
Once again, you start with character customisation for the brothers, which, like I said, I think should be automatic.

The story begins with a flashback - 11 years ago. As I’m only on episode 2, I’m not sure if this is relevant to the sorry. Is it supposed to show the girls’ relationship or does it just add length to the episode?

After the movie scene, the episode flashes forward 8 years. Is the MC, Lia, supposed to still be referred to as young Lia?

Besides that, everything else is grammar and punctuation, I think.

Spoilers ahead

There are grammar mistakes that people will go crazy about but I really don’t mind.
And there is a lot of awkward and unnatural conversations and motions. Like when he asked her out, she kept going against it and it was just something was off about it, but that’s just my opinion.

If I was reading episode 1, I would have just left the story. I personally don’t like customization episodes . I think it should be worked into the story somehow. I feel like I just waste my time when that happens.

And in episode 2, I think a lot of the directing need some fixing. In the school hallway there were people as tall as the ceiling and other very small, and then when the bell rang, you showed every person leave individually which was painful to watch.

I’m episode 3 I forgot that we were still in a flashback because I thought we were playing the story at that age. So I would try and clarify that a little more, unless that was me being stupid and forgetful lol

I hope you don’t get upset at me or disappointed I just want to point out every small thing so your story turns out great!! I also wanted to say I really like the plot!! The end of episode 3 was very intriguing and I actually would like to see what would happen next!!

Good luck and if you have any more questions just ask me!

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