Hi! I’m looking for someone who could review my story and be brutally honest about it, be nit picky, be mean, I don’t care, as long as it’s constructive criticism that can help me improve my story, I’ll take it! You can also take all the time you want, I don’t mind and won’t be pressuring you.
English also isn’t my first language, I like to believe my grammar is good enough, but if English is your first language, any help would be appreciated.
Details to my story:
Title: Which is Witch?
Genre: Fantasy (Some Romance is included but it’s not the main topic.)
Episodes: 6 (7 will be published soon, waiting for backgrounds to be approved)
Description: Play as a witch who just got into college, you’re facing human troubles with witch abilities and need to hide and find your real identity at the same time with the help of your cat, Michi. What will you discover? Bisexual MC with 2 love interests option.
Thanks to anyone you will take the time! xo
My internet is like being glitchy and I haven’t been able to download Episode, but as soon as I do I’ll check out your story! (Episode was being glitchy so I deleted it and was going to get it again until I couldn’t)
Thank you! No pressure, so don’t worry, but I hope it gets fixed soon so you can use it, must be annoying
Okay so I’ve started reading. I think you have a good start with your story but you need to work on your animations and directing a little bit more. Like not leaving your characters talking on looping animations during conversations and using a natural idle or letting them shift their weight instead of the frozen pose left after an animation. (This makes the scene of your story look more realistic) Your grammar is good, but could always be improved and you need to make use of better punctuation. The characters are cute. I like the fact that there is a talking kitty. Your ideas are very creative. However, you could change the positioning of the speech bubble when the kitty is talking because the speech bubble covers him when he talks and at first I didn’t realise it was the cat talking. I’ll let you know more as I keep reading. Keep going, you are doing good so far
Hey! I’ll be glad to help out too! I’ll start reading it as soon as I can and then comment on it
Thank you so much for taking the time! I did have some issues with the speechbubbles at first and decided to change the color of the font to make it easier to recognize the cat is talking but I agree I need to work on my speech bubbles a lot more, same for the looping animation that I was too lazy to fix at the time, I’m trying to fix all these things for next update.
@AshminnaDominika Thank you so much!
All you need to do is code the @speechbubble to be lower on the screen whenever the cat talks Try this for your speechubble when the kitty is talking:
@speechbubble is 190 200 to 100%
Then afterwards put in;
This will reset to the default automatic positioning when your characters are talking.
@gbxby Okay, I’ve read through the chapters, the plot is actually really interesting! If you want I can give you feedback but I don’t know how honest you want me to be. Do you want me to comment on something in specific?
Thank you! I don’t know, what mistakes stood out for you? Was the grammar okay? The directing? The music?
Hi I am on it.
First what I have to say that your writing / storry teling is really good the story was interestiong from the start. And believe me I am brutaly honest if story sucks. But your has enormous potential (readeing 1 chapter now)
But what sucks is directing
speachbubbles - you make no effort to place them right - especially for the cat.therefore on the start I even didnt got the cat is speaking because the bubble pointed on MC
speaking animations - I noticed often your character are actually not making talking animation thay are frozen at the end of the previous animation but there are still new speech bubbles coming which then looks weird…eather use looping animation or you have to ad animation above every new line. On other hand sometimes you use looping talking animation but the person stopped talking and is still moving mouth…
someitems there is weird white flash between scenes but it doesnt look like transition or maybe it is transition but too quick.it is not pleasat for eyes
I am missing music in the class
also when she is thinking she id frozen in one animation…making her changich some idle animations woud look more natiral that this “stare without blinking”
when she walks back on the campust thereare the exact same people in same positions…not music realistic that after class the yard will look the same.
Also the mistakes mentioned above repeats sometimes is speachbubble even on MC head… talking on couch bot girl are in loop talking animation…
I will be ones I am a picky reader and this low effort in directing is turn of for me even the story seems really good! But it makes me to not want to continue reading. Because I write myself and I give big attention to this things so it iritates me a bit when somebody doesnt care
I guess many readers will not be that picky and will forgive you this mistakes because and I say it for 3 time stre story looks really interestion and based on the reads you got people do see it too.
Hope something from it helps you.
Thank you so much for taking the time!!
I have some extra time to work on all these issues while Episode is approving some backgrounds and overlays and I’m hoping to fix everything by the time I publish episode 7, promise I’ll do my best!
The things that, from my personal point of view, need a tad of enhancement would be these:
·The music in some scenes (like Billie’s and the MC’s dorm) keeps playing nonstop, so the reader may find that a bit annoying and repetitive over the time; I would try and use other background music like music_backandforth.
·Then for a more professional look on the story, at the start I would make the reader a choice, for example… do you prefer dating guys, girls or both? This will give the reader the chance to directly choose their sexual preferences. I believe this is advanced directing but if the MC being bisexual is a big part of the plot I suggest leaving it like that.
·In some scenes, the character keeps talking after her/his dialogue is over, in this case, I would recommend finding an idle animation and use it right after the character finished speaking. For example: (Pretend this is the script)
I think it's time we get ready for the party.
@CHARACTER is idle_armscrossed_neutral_loop
·The last thing I would do (this is more like a tip) is to use the text effects to give some words more emphasis, like when Billie walked into the MC casting a spell on Michi and said WHAT ARE YOU DOING? or something like that, you could make some of the words have a stronger “sound” if you use the text effect bold or shuffle sideways.
I’ll hope this can help you out a little bit
Thank you!!! I’m taking all of these into consideration and working on it rn!
Good luck! I know your story has a lot of potential.
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