Looking for Feedback - Full CC, Ink, First Story, can do r4r in return!

I’m currently working on my first story and I’m in desperate need of feedback. It takes place from the point of view of Reason, who spends the majority of his time with his best friend, Light. The two have been friends forever and have fallen into a rut, looking for something new. Fallon moves in next door and introduces a new perspective into their lives, becoming just what they’d been looking for–but churning things up in the process. Here are some notes:

  • I wanted to do it from a male’s perspective given that I don’t see that on the app often. I’d like to know what readers think about this and how it’s going. :thinking:

  • I am trying to avoid any overplayed tropes to introduce something fresh, but interesting. How is this going? :flushed:

  • Given that it’s my first story, the choices aren’t very convoluted, but still introduce something different.

  • I want the interactions to seem natural and realistic.

  • I feel that the first few chapters take off slowly and need other peoples’ opinions on this! :heart_eyes:

I’d also be glad to do a r4r if anyone would like? I can try to give you as much feedback as possible if you’re looking for a critical read.

i can do r4r

Name: Retrace
Genre: Mystery. is where I placed it. but honestly, I have no idea. maybe drama
style: ink
link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6425193401417728
description: mc’s mom has been shot and is in a coma. follow her as she tries to contact her dad. while listening to the story of how her parents meet. he was the son of a mafia boss and her an undercover cop. it is two stories in one

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Thanks, @line123462!
I read what is currently published of your story and here are my thoughts:

Plot : Really awesome concept–I love the duality of the search for her father and the budding love story between her parents. I think the plot is introduced very well in the first chapter; you immediately know that the MC wants to know who her father is, and that there is a second story to follow between her parents. There isn’t much I would change here. My only real suggestion would be to possibly reconsider having the hired thug hit the MC in the third chapter. I say this because it instantly shifts the perception of Don from being a ‘nice guy’ to being a guy who is willing to let a woman be beat so that he can appear to save her. However, this may be a critical point in your story that simply hasn’t developed yet–so if that is the case, then definitely don’t change a thing! I am not sure in what light you want Don to be portrayed, but that choice is certainly one that changes his character.

Directing : Well done! I think directing any story is hard for the first few chapters, but yours are very clean and sharp. As far as the interactions between your characters go–as well as character placement–you’re doing really well. I would say there are a few stylistic choices that I would reconsider, though–for example, at the beginning when you have the option to customize the characters, you may want to give a bit more background about what role the characters play–it may change how the reader wants to customize them. I myself wasn’t sure if Don was going to be a love interest or a father (let alone both :open_mouth:), so I wasn’t sure how exactly I’d want to make him.

Grammar : Firstly, I appreciate the preface in the first chapter about your dyslexia and that English isn’t your first language. As far as your spelling goes, you’re off to a great start–and your syntax, for the most part, is workable. I would say that if you’d like to make your story more well-polished, look to correct the punctuation. As someone who also has English as a second language, I know that this can be difficult–I think my best suggestion would be to adopt a co-writer or editor for the time being until your relationship with the language is more fluent to make the conversation appear more natural. Either way, congratulations on writing a story in a different language in the first place! :blush:

Characters : At first glance, the characterization is a little confusing–though it gets more clear as you keep reading. I think for some readers (particularly younger ones), it may be hard to have the MC be both the mother and the daughter, primarily because I think many younger readers have a hard time seeing their parents as individuals (lol), and so thinking about them when they’re young might be weird. I, personally, find it super intriguing and so I applaud this approach to the story! However, I do think you may need a bit more exposition about the roles of the characters when you introduce them–maybe, at the customization stage, add a brief explanation that the MC is both the daughter in the present story and the same appearance will be used for the mother in the flashbacks? Again, it may change how some readers interact with the characters and thus want to customize them. I am also looking forward to the character development for Candy–I want to think I’m going to like her at some point! :thinking: She can’t be that bad if she’s so willing to help MC out! (Or can she? :face_with_raised_eyebrow:)

Progression : The length of your chapters is really impressive! Each chapter goes through a decent amount of stuff, and so there is a natural progression to your storyline. I think that with more chapters, it will become very clear what exactly is going on–though it is already quite understandable from the beginning. Nice job!

Final Thoughts : Overall, I enjoyed what I read. I really like the different approach of having two stories in one–I find slight deviations to the typical reads to be really capturing. Keep up the good work! :kissing_heart:

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Feel free to check out my story.

Story title: © Tribe of Malapinchi

Author on the app: Jannah Jackson

Story description: Toss into a land of the sun, magic, lies and dark secrets in Asia. Can you make sense of the havoc you were tossed into and save everyone before it’s too late? CharacterCustomization

Story link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5909308359180288


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I can do a read 4 read.

Story title: Under the spell of love
Description: When Tessa’s life turned into a living nightmare, she decided it was time for a change. But nothing goes as planned when she meet the dangerous Hardin, her life turns upside down.

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4913305217990656

Give me your feedback afterwards, please!
My IG Page: summer.beautygirl

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