Looking for Feedback on my First Story

Hi, I’m Ella.

I’ve just published my first story Journey to Love. It’s held in the Fantasy genre.
I’d love some tips to fix my story or help make it more enjoyable.
The cover is of a Grey Wolf with Bright Green eyes. Made by: Ella Venger (Me).
If you have any tips please message me on the Forums, reply here, or DM me on Instagram.
I’m willing to do a r4r if wanted.

IG: @ellav.epi

2 Likes

i’d love to do a r4r if you’re interested! i can give detailed feedback! :grin:

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy (Thriller)
Style: Limelight
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6250660385652736
Summary: It’s a race against time as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to…

Cover

image

Chapters: 4 (More to come)

Create your own characters and Choices Matter!:blush:

1 Like

I’d love too.
And because I’m in the mood to read I’ll get started if you will?

1 Like

i can start right away! :grin:

1 Like

Great. :smirk:

1 Like

heyyyy! here it is! thanks for doing this with me! i really appreciate it! also, please note this isn’t me being mean or anything! so, please! do not take it personally! this is just my honest opinion on your story, and my sense of humor! and i’m honestly just trying to help out! :grin::two_hearts:

Episode 1
  • okay, so, here’s the ting. :joy: sound is NOT necessary to have in your story, at all. however, you will be surprised at the amount of people who will say that they listen with the sound on, and would love it if you used sound. so you don’t NEED it, but it’s recommended.
  • remove the author intro. please. they take the reader out of the story, and your story then loses its “i’m watching a movie” feel. especially do not tell us that this is your first story, and apologize for anything. “the first few episodes are short, and i’m sorry.” “don’t judge this too harshly” don’t put notes like this. it makes us doubt your abilities as an author, and either makes readers click off of your story, or pity you as we’re reading. don’t publish it until your confident in your work. and don’t EVER apologize for your work. you worked too hard to be apologizing for it.
  • also, don’t tell us that you have a good plot planned out… show us! :grin:
  • all of these authors notes that are happening in the beginning have to go. :joy: that sounds so mean, but i swear i mean it in the nicest way possible show us the opening splashes and then get into the story.
  • i’m personally a fan of getting to cc the characters as we meet them through out the story, instead of having to shove it all in the beginning of the story.
  • “i kind of hate overlays right now :/” any note like this that you have in your story take the reader out of your story, when instead you want them as engulfed in your story as possible. if you don’t like the overlay, then make it better sis. :grin:
  • the young mc character kind of emerges from the front of the screen to the back. spot direct her off screen, and then have her walk into her spot. if this doesn’t make sense just ask me about it, and i can elaborate further.
  • i feel like the dad and mom’s speechbubbles should be swapped. also, the young mc’s speechbubble is covering her face.
  • they’ve done somethings to make my life unbearable”
  • there’s a lot of narration happening. you should show us these things through dialogue and scene development. not tell us this through narration. it makes the story more fun to watch, lots of directing… yes. but it’s worth it!
  • at the beginning of the airport scene david just kinda pops up behind her. use the & command to make sure he’s already there before the scene starts.
  • sometimes your speechbubble tails are not in the correct spotttttttt
  • this is funny, like i’m loving the use of comedy in your story! it’s really entertaining so far!
  • the whole drinking age thing… where she’s 18 but it’s legal… and you’re from canada… and she’s in oregon… yea just cut the whole thing out. either make her go out drinking illegally or don’ add it. that whole thing takes the reader out of the story.
  • lmao i don’t really ever read fantasy stories, so all of this pack, and mind link, and beta and alpha stuff is a new experience for me. bahahaha so i can’t like critique it cause idk what other stories like this do/look like. ya know?
  • OMG WTF WAS THAT LAST SCENE DID HE REALLY JUST-- ARFIFEIJBLSKJBFLKJLSKJD (btw it’s fine, well… it’s not fine… but ik it was just part of the story… so that’s fine. i’m not critiquing your writing. im reacting to the fact that he really just… she’s 13… skdsjnjksdjkdhs)
  • in the scene where they’re in the kitchen they just kind slide to new spots… you should have them walk.
  • nooooooooooooooo you messed up a perfect cliffhanger with an author outrooooo! get rid of it. just end the episode with the reader wanting more with the cliffhanger. makes for a better first episode! :wink:
  • don’t do the outro with the questions. if your readers have something to ask you they’ll ask you in the fanmail. the only exception to the q & a at the end is if you keep frequently getting asked the SAME questions over and over again. so don’t put it until that happens :slight_smile:
Episode 2
  • we talked about the author intro… i’m disspaointed. bahahahahahaha i’m clearly kidding, you didn’t know :joy:
  • sometimes you do a good job at this but other times you forget. putting a &CHARACTER is idle command after their line of dialogue. be sure you do this, because if you don’t the character will either keep talking (cause it’s a looped animation) or they’ll have this wacky expression on their face, because they weren’t given a command after their line.
  • that was… fast… idk how mates work, but is that common for wolves/mates to just start making out after knowing each other for 5 hours? if so then ignore this comment. :joy:
  • random authors comments have to go… still disappointed. still kidding.
  • bar guy kinda pops up out of nowhere.
  • all of the characters in the club just pop up after the pan transition.
Overall Thoughts

Okay! Hi!
So this was pretty good! This was the first werewolf story I’ve read so I have nothing to compare it to, but I thought it was good! Directing wise it was really good! A few bumps here and there, but other than that it was pretty good! Grammar wise, I didn’t notice any mistakes except the one I corrected in episode 1! Plot wise, it seems a bit fast… How did the mc and james just instantly fall in love? Or, is that some mating thing I just don’t know about? :joy: If it is then never mind, but if it’s not then maybe w could experience their relationship development a bit better. Also, you left the reader with a lot of questions after each episode, and that’s really good! It keeps them wanting more! I really like that! Great job on the cliffhangers! Overall, I thought your story was pretty good! I really do not read fantasy stories, so I cant compare it to anything, but this was quite good overall! Keep up the great work! And thanks for doing this r4r with me! :grin::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

1 Like

also, could you let me know if i need to clarify anything that i said? :grin:
i’d be happy to!

1 Like

Not at all, I sent you a private message if you haven’t been notified. Thanks for all your help. :blush:

1 Like