Title: Lost Boy Lost Girl
Hi! Finally finished your review for you….
Remember, you don’t have to go along with anything I say here; this is your story and you get to make the decisions, if there’s something you personally like about your story and I happen to not like it, don’t change it just because of my opinion. The most important thing about writing on episode is to have fun!
I really enjoyed the plot to this story, It’s really enjoyable to read! I really like your use of multiple POV’s, it really helps keep the story engaging, and gives you an insight to what different characters think about the same situation, instead of maybe just having “The mysterious bad boy.”
I like how each character has their own problems, and they how they all get tied up together into one story…Maybe in the first episode you might want to add a bit more to to Destiny’s character (this is just a suggestion) as this is the episode you need to grab people’s attention to keep them reading - although I wouldn’t add too much, as you want to keep some things as a mystery (maybe tease something about her backstory to the readers?) Overall, I think you have a really strong plot, I would definitely pick this story over half the stories in the trending section!
Your directing is pretty good, (it’s not anything super fancy but that will come in time )
I really like your use of zooms, they can really help build up the atmosphere.
The way you used animations when there was no dialogue also really helped me understand what the character was feeling at that point without having thought bubbles (which can sometimes make things feel forced and unrealistic).
There are a few small mistakes that i’ll list below – remember some of them are just suggestions!
-Leo & Andrew robbery scene…
When Leo stands between the french doors, he looks a tad too tall- or maybe he’s just meant to be quite tall?
(I’m being a bit picky here lol)
Destiny doctors scene (Ep 1) :
When the doctor is explaining the characteristics of someone with dependent disorder, maybe split the dialogue into a few more speech bubbles, as they can get a bit too long, or you might just want to shorten what he says a bit (just a small suggestion).
- Scene after Leo & Andrew’s robbery (I think it’s end of ep 1?)
The extras in the background look slightly too big (they should be a bit smaller than the characters that are closer to the screen).
Ep 4 scene 1:
For some reason, when Destiny is picking her outfit, she doesn’t show on screen?
This might just be a glitch with my phone, but if I were you i’d check it out just in case…
Your characters are very believable and realistic which I really like (and i’m sure others will too!). They all have their own special attributes and imperfections.
This is pretty much all I have to say about them, and i’m looking forward to seeing how they develop in the coming episodes!
Your dialogue was engaging most of the time, and you brought out the characters personalities from the way they speak. Just be careful that your characters don’t state something that is very obvious to the reader (unless it’s for comedic effect) This didn’t happen that much in your story, but I thought i’d mention it as a helpful tip for the future.
Just a little suggestion : You might want to add some small comedic bits of dialogue between scenes that aren’t really crucial to the story, but can just help lighten the mood a bit (especially because your story is quite serious) - who doesn’t enjoy a good bit of humour ?
All of this was mostly good, just a few small mistakes that you might want to fix:
(mistakes are in bold)
Ep 1 scene 1
Destiny: ‘Aw gee what was it I was supposed to do at this time?’
It doesn’t really make sense with ‘at’ in the middle, not sure if this is just a typo but you’ll need to take ‘at’ out of the sentence for it to make sense.
Ep 1 : Nadia & Destiny just before interview scene (not sure of scene number)
Nadia says: ‘None of the women have yet to receive the job’ for this to make sense it should probably say ‘none of the women have yet received the job’ - or something along those lines…
Leo robbery mini-game scene (Ep 1):
When you pick the wrong thing in the mini- game, the narrator says ‘opps’
(it should say oops instead of opps)
Ep 4 scene 2
Andrew says: ‘Crap it’s a ambush,’ when it should say ‘crap it’s an ambush’
Destiny & Leo cafe scene (Ep 2)
When Leo is saying his name, he says ‘Mines is Leo,’
there should be no ‘s’ on the end of ‘mine.’
You used a wide range of vocabulary which can make the story sound more professional and sophisticated.
You have a great amount of choices in your story, and they really engage the reader. You might want to try and incorporate a few big influential choices that affect the story later on (I understand that this can be quite hard but you might want to give it a go).
I really like the mini-game in episode 1 I think? It really gives the reader a sense of control over the outcome. I also like that you made an option to change Destiny’s clothes, there’s a really good range of outfit styles as well …
when you use narration bubbles to indicate someone thinking or saying something, you might want to put the characters name at the top of the bubble, to make it clear who’s saying what. If you’re not sure how to do this, here is the code for it:
NARRATOR (CHARACTER NAME HERE)
Whatever you want to say here…
Overall, this is a very enjoyable read, and has lot’s of potential. My favourite aspect of this story is probably the use of multiple POV’s, the way you switch from one scene to the other just as things start to build up is really effective, it’s similar to the way films and TV series work! I’m looking forward to seeing how the story develops, and how you grow as a writer!
If you have any questions about anything said here, feel free to ask me…