@LTea Just submitted a request! 
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Currently away from home, But I will crack on with these as soon as I can. Thank you all for your patience!!!
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Of course! Take your time 
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I have filled out the form
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Hey, so sorry to bother you, but when will you be continuing completing story reviews?
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Uhh, good question, when I eventually find the time to?
Hopefully soon, don’t worry, haven’t forgotten this thread. 
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Ok that’s fine. I was kinda starting to get worried that you had forgotten. But I’m not in any kind of rush. I was just wondering.
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Hey there, @LTea! I’ve just submitted a review form. Looking forward to hearing your feedback!
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I submitted to the form- I asked for a note review so hopefully that’ll take some of the workload off as I can see you are a bit busy.
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Hey, I submitted a few hours ago and I forgot to alert you. Oops! Sorry lol
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Yeah, I just submitted a request for a full review
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fiiled out the form!!
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Done
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Hi! I filled your form!
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Hey, can you please review my story? )))
Title: Fantastical: Mysterious Investigation
Author: Lаwful Evil
Genre: Fantasy
Style: limelight
Description: People are missing in Innsmoot, the monster lives in the forest. Who’s behind all this? ~
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4814855314997248
HEY!!!
I’ve JUST published a new story about Greek Gods and Goddesses!
HERE’S THE INFO!!
Story Name: DEMIGODDESS
Author Name: Giselle Crescent
Genre: Fantasy
Description: Being the daughter of Zeus isn’t easy. Add responsibilities and your mother having cancer topped on with a forbidden temptation to a boy who can rock your world , literally. CC
Small Cover:
Large Cover:
LINK:
@Cricket_Master – So, I only read one chapter. It was quite long, and even though it was a short story, I found it feeling rather empty evenso. Like I’ve mentioned before, short stories are different to review overall, but it was still a lot better than most I have read. Still, I digress…
LTea's Review - 'The Quest’ by Cricket Master
'The Quest’ by Cricket Master
A short story about a boy who wakes up in an alternate world, and is tasked with saving the princess.
FIRST IMPRESSION: First of all, your title didn’t show up as the first due to the fact that it is a rather overused title by the looks of things. You used a random picture for a cover, which shows nothing of the story, and Classic is a rather unfavoured style. Still, your description was clever to put that choices matter in such a way, and while vague, I knew roughly what to expect. Also nice to see a male lead for once, though again, you’re giving yourself a rather limited audience overall. Still, not a bad start, not a great one.
The first few scenes were okay. I liked the rain on a field, though you could have used a dark overlay to add atmosphere. The narration went on a little too long – remember to stick to the most important facts and leave the rest for later. You set up your main character to be mundane but mildly amusing, which was okay but nothing distinctly interesting (I’ll go more into this later) but yeah. Again, not a bad start, not a great one either.
PLOT: So, I would question what the point of your first scenes are. For short stories, especially, it’s important to remember to start in the action – not with action, as is the common misconception, but where the actual story begins. The whole break up scene was mildly amusing, I did like the choice of deflecting the girlfriend’s verbal jab, but then I dealt with several minutes of the MC being douchy and crying like a wuss puss, only to randomly wake up in a new world. To me, I’d say don’t bother with the whole break up unless it actually effects the character. As it didn’t seem to, and as yours is only three chapters long, I would say to just skip this, and go to the part where the MC wakes up in a new world.
Besides that, I found that your story had a very empty feel to it’s plot and overall genre. As I know you personally, I would say make it more of a humorous satire on classic fairytale. Your sarcasm comes easily and will make the plot more interesting and fun, but for a serious fantasy the whole ‘I woke up in a new world and have to save the princess’ is obviously overused. The fact that you just seemed to run with it, only adding a few moments of mild amusement, while the rest was just emotionless ‘do this’ and ‘we need you’ fluff I found myself growing bored very quickly. You have an awesome skill with mocking the stereotypes. Use it.
CHARACTERS: So it is a technique in most stories to have a blank canvas as a character, so the reader can input themselves onto them, however for short stories this isn’t the case because a reader doesn’t always have long enough to imprint themselves on that character. Short stories are more about the message, and the characters have to get that across. This means taking personalities and ramping them up enough so we get a clear image of who that person is. Is the MC a douche? Have him be snarky all the time. Is the king a snob? Have him call the MC a peasant. I suggested a satire style to your story, so having your characters act like everyday people is an option, but this also means having them call out the tropes as they see them. This will add comedy, and also help us relate to the characters. But remember consistency as well. If your character is a douche, or realistic, he wouldn’t be crying like a toddler for several hours. Heartbroken? Maybe. Sobbing, probably not.
DIRECTION: You might want to go back and try to smooth out some of your directions. They got a bit clunky at times, and there were a lot of awkward pauses. Remember you can use ‘starts’ instead of ‘is’ to have characters do things while something else is happening. Otherwise, things I noted: Consider fade transitions on the start and end of scenes, same for music. The follow on the Girlfriend was a bit clunky, maybe have her pause and search half way, then pan to the MC, then she can enter from the right? The waitress seemed to appear out of nowhere, and paused a lot between lines. The music got annoying, make sure you have an actual looping track in the background that blends well when repeated. The direction when the MC tries to run away is also clunky. And some characters stood very close to each other in some scenes.
ERRORS: In the restaurant scene, the characters weren’t sitting down to begin with, but you still used the stand up direction.
MC floats into the scene with his room-mate.
The king needs moving as he’s currently floating on the background
You used an info dump moment, but more so they walked on the spot randomly when the scene started, and the fairy walked on the spot when the conversation looped.
OVERALL: I would really suggest re-evaluating the overall feel of your story, and maybe turning it into a satire that more suits your writing style. At the moment, the whole story feels pretty empty and lack lustre, very ‘meh’ in that it’s not bad but it’s not that interesting either. Still, it could be much worse, and for a first story, it’s pretty good. Keep it up!
If you would like a second review after editing, don’t hesitate to let me know, but understand that I could be busy. If you would just like advice, or would like me to explain something I have said, feel free to message me and I shall get back to you as soon as. Don’t be disheartened by anything I have said. A good writer has talent, but a great one is made through practice. I look forward to seeing what you do with this. Goodluck!
~L
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