Hello my name-twin Luna.Episode.Author!
My review of “Autumn falls” is finished.
NB! As you did not specify the number of episodes to read, I followed the rules in my post and only reviewed your first chapter.
Both your title, cover and description really drew me in! Your overall look is very professional, and it gave me an impression of being a romantic story filled with mystery, secrets and suspense.
Your intro was ok. You had very good splashes but used a standard content-warning. What threw me off a bit, was how you introduced your story. It basically started with a background of the school, where you narrated among other things: “The mean girls are still mean” and “I still had the biggest crush on one of the school bad boys.” As this is such an episode cliché, I genuinely thought you were joking.
The main character, Autumn was pretty sweet and showed some mature and understanding sides of herself. However, and this is probably just personal for me, it really annoyed me that she didn’t always stand up for herself. You introduced her as someone weak and without confidence.
I wish we got to know more about Autumn. Something that would make her special, that we could admire. Something more than a shy girl, struggling getting bullied.
I liked Jonah. I loved that he isn’t your typical bad boy, and that he was brave enough to stand up for Autumn in the end. But I was a bit disappointed in him when he made out with a girl and almost as soon as Autumn appeared he was like:
That is not respectful to say to a girl after you just made out with her. He was also referring to her as semi-attractive. That’s pretty downgrading.
Although I do like Autumn and Jonah together, I really have no idea WHY they like each other. They have barely spoken together, and Autumn is this anonymous girl in school, while he is super popular. Why did he notice her? I would really love to know that.
I was at one point offered to choose why I liked him, but I really wished that there were other, deeper optional answers than these:
I felt like her best friends were pretty cool, but unfortunately, we didn’t get to know them that well as most of their conversations were about Autumn and Jonah.
The mean girls, and Jonah’s brothers were very one-dimensional, which people in the real world rarely are. They were just plainly mean. Especially Annabella. She would be more interesting if you gave her some other qualities as well.
Your grammar was near perfection! I can tell that you’re a good writer, as the narrations were sometimes were worded very well. But I found a lot of the narration a bit unrealistic. Everyone is suddenly obsessed with Autumn and Jonah after he gives her his jacket, when she (in my choice) walks in a towel. I mean, that is just being a normal well-educated person to do something like that. Most of the narration is about if they like each other or not, or how they should progress, thus the dialogue becomes repetitive. Unfortunately, in my opinion, that makes it a bit boring.
This is where you really lifted your story. Girl, your directing is impeccable. The spotting was amazing, the animations looked so natural, but the best part was all the choices you gave the reader! You had a lot of interesting choices, that made an impact on the story. And your overlays! I will talk more about them later!
PS: Your zooms are great, but some of them are a bit long. A very minor detail though.
Honestly, I think your story lacked originality. This is a story that have been written many times. Although I do find Jonah ok, I couldn’t really see the reason behind the romance and why they are crushing on each other. It was however exiting when Autumns clothes were stolen. You directed that really well. When one of the guys asked Autumn on a date, she turned him down, as she had every right to. But to call him a “clown” behind is back, and to say (I quote), “Where would we have gone for our date? To the circus?” was not what I expected from Autumn, as a girl that knows how it is to be seen down upon. In the end of the episode you also managed to create some suspension when you’re portraying your father and mentioning your mother’s cancer, but that happened very late. Annabella finding out about it was a good cliff-hanger though.
Your episode was pretty long (which I like), but there wasn’t always that much going on. There was too much narration about Jonah and Autumn’s situation, which in my opinion, worked like uninteresting fillers.
You started your story with music. I loved that! But as the story progressed, the music was nowhere to be heard. You used effects very well and I could tell that you put effort into your story by making everything function as well as possible. Your overlays were amazing! The blush, the way you directed the throwing of the paper, her clothes hanging on the locker… it shows that you care about the small details. You also manged to fit some humour in, which is important in a story like this where the main character goes through a lot of hard stuff.
Your directing skills, grammar and choices are amazing. Everything is so professional, and I could tell that you have put a lot of effort into your story. Your overlays did, in particular stand out. I also liked how the “bad boy”, were in fact a nice guy.
But, I still feel like this story is a bit unoriginal. You should try to add in some kind of twist that makes it stand out among all other stories about a shy girl, having a crush on the bad boy, while being bullied by mean girls. I did not really connect or find any of the characters that interesting, and the plot became a bit boring.
I can see that you are a talented director though. And my opinions might differ completely to other people. It’s all about preference.
I hope you continue to enjoy writing and be proud of your own story.
That is always the most important.