Luna's honest reviews!


#1

Hello dear authors! :grin:

Writing can be very hard when you do it alone. It has a tendency to blind you for your own mistakes and strenghts. I made this thread to hopefully help you on your writing-journey, while stating my personal opinions. It would be amazing to find some gems along the way as well.

If I think your story is a gem, I will put a “:gem:” in the beginning of your review.

My reviewing style: I often value character development, realism, plot, originality, and effort highly above other things. I may point out your grammar, and directing mistakes, but if they are few, they will not have any big impact on your final score.

Please note: These are my personal opinions, and I will be brutally honest.
I still though, have no intention of being unnecessary mean. People may interpret words differently, so if you feel like I crossed a line, please pm me so we can talk about it.

Rules.

After given a review:

  • If you have a problem with my review, send me a private message. Do NOT spam my thread with it.

  • Please give me some sign that you’ve read it, as I have worked hard on it.

Your story will not be reviewed if:

  • You spam your story.

  • If you don’t fill out the form correctly.

  • If you are mean to people in the thread.

How to fill out the form.

Title:

Author:

Genre:

Cover: (Preferably both, but that is optional.)

Description: (This does not have to be as short as the in-app description. Write what you think I need to know.)

What made you write your story?:

What are you confident about in your story?

What are you not so confident about in your story?

Ammount of episodes: And how many you want me to review. (Max 3 episodes pr story, as I don’t want other people to wait too long to recieve my reviews). If you don’t specify the number of episodes you want me to review, I will automatically only review your first.

And final notes: Is there anything I should now?
Examples:

  • I made all the art myself.
  • English is not my native language.
  • This is my first story.
  • This is based on my own life.
How I review.

This is my review form, but there will be exceptions as every story is different and can not contain everything.

First impression:

  • Title.
  • Cover/s.
  • Description.
  • Intro.

Characters:

  • The main character.
  • Diversity.
  • Depth.
  • Relationships.

Narration:

  • Grammar.
  • Flow.
  • Realism of the conversations.

Directing:

  • Zooms.
  • Spotting.
  • Animations.
  • Choices.

Plot:

  • Originality.
  • Suspense.
  • Creativity.

X factor:

  • Music.
  • Art.
  • Effects.
  • Overlays.
    *Humor.

Overall thoughts:

Current waiting list.
  1. @S_Unique
  2. @Days
  3. @RainbowCat
  4. @Emily_Mason
  5. @Jurevicha
  6. @pheebsnomenal
  7. @AMar
  8. @Author_Kim
  9. @Maria.StoryWritter
  10. @Alexwoods
  11. @camilowrites
  12. @Lizzie_C
  13. @MonicaCristina
  14. @ana_banana

NB! I will NOT review your story if you don’t fill out the form correctly. Thank you!

In the end of the review you will recieve a dice from 1-6, where 6 is the highest score.
Like this:

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I am really looking forward to reading your stories!

  • Luna :crescent_moon:

#2

I would love to!

Genre: Adventure/Fantasy/Comedy (If that makes sense)
Title: Save Me, Hero!
Author: Turtle Cat!
Plot/Summary: After powerless Hero moves from a town where everyone has superpowers, she gets kidnapped by a group of fugitives who are forcing her to join them. What will she do?
Style: Ink
I published this a few days ago, so it only has 3 episodes.
Cover:

HERE’S THE LINK!
What made me write my story?
I don’t know really, I’ve always loved superhero stories but I didn’t want mine to be the basic hero story. Other hero stories I’ve been disappointed with, not because the were bad because most of them weren’t, probably because they weren’t my type of hero story if that makes sense. I guess now I can have my story be how I want it too!:grin:
What am I confident about?
Well, I would say that my other 4 stories are really a disappointment in itself. I wasn’t really satisfied with them. This one, I feel was for me. It’s kinda hard to explain, for this one, I just feel like I fixed most of the mistakes that were in my other one.
What am I not confident about
A lot of people didn’t like my stories before. They were really short (the episodes) I feel they will judge this one because of my other ones just because they know the author. But I think it’s much more then that.
Final Notes
I did the covers, splashes, and any other art in the first 3 episodes. In episode 4 and so on when I write them, the art will be done by other people.

Oof, that was a mouthful. I hope you enjoy it, and thanks so much for giving it a chance. Sorry if I made any unclear mistakes in these answers. I hope you enjoy!:grin::grin::star_struck::sparkling_heart:
Please be honest! Thanks so much for doing this, I hope you like it! Please review all three if you could.


#3

Title: Autumn Falls.

Author: Luna.

Genre: Romance.

Description: As Autumn falls in love for the first time, her life begins to fall apart. As a web of dirty secrets & lies unravel, a dangerous connection between their families is discovered.

Amount of episodes: 6 chapters published so far.

What made you write your story?:
I love writing about romance and I wanted a story where the main male character wasn’t the typical bad boy full of toxic masculinity. It was important for me to touch upon the feelings that guys go through too whilst falling in love.

What are you confident about in your story?
Writing about the chemistry between the two main characters.

What are you not so confident about in your story?
That they might be long and boring to some people (But to me they’re not.)

And final notes: I make all the overlays myself but the art scenes I have an artist for.

Autumn_Falls_T_posterThumb_M79DC8kJJa


#4

Story Title: In a Starry Night
Author Name: Fatima Al star
Style: Limelight
Genre: Romance/drama
Episodes: 4 (more coming soon!)
Story Description: Rose goes thorough a lot of difficulties that will lead her to find secrets that were hidden for years! Will she ever find happiness and love? (Choices matter)
Instagram Name: @fatima_stories
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5756418218131456

Story cover

demi_lovato_GHBP_posterThumb_tzhq0N9Iav

What made you write your story?:
I had a good plot in mind and I wanted to make it com in real life so I did it!

What are you confident about in your story?
That it has a advanced directing!
What are you not so confident about in your story?
That it has some grammar mistakes!

And final notes:

  • I did everything in my story
  • English is not my first language
  • this is my first story!

#5

Title:Trouble in Princess paradise
Author:Rosina Valeriant
Genre:fantasy
Cover:
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87f88458c801b24ac80b1e8f33263feeb0aefe19_1_690x458

Description:How will Rose save the 4 kingdoms after the Solar Eclipse?

What made you write your story? I love fantasy and these ideas all just started to come to me and I just had to bring it to life.

What are you confident about in your story?
My directing,it really shows as the episodes go on.I’m still learning, of course :slight_smile:

What are you not so confident on?
Maybe some readers will find some chapters long since I read a lot of other stories that end in 5 minutes.

Amount of episodes:3 please <3

Final notes:I edit a lot of the overlays in the continuing episodes myself,some are other artists, of course.


#6

Tittle : Search for love
Author: S.writes
Genre : Drama
Episodes : 10 (Season 1 complete)
Style; Ink
Description: Your life turns upside down when you try to escape from a toxic situation! Can you find the love you are looking for trying to escape?
Link : http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5548786201264128
Cover :


#7

Thank you for creating this thread :slight_smile: your way of reviewing stories sounds awesome!

Cover:

Title: Teacher or Queen?

Author: Mystique

Genre: drama

Description: After years of searching she had finally found them. Can she get close to them?
Her destiny is about to change forever. What will she choose?

What made you write your story?: The plot has been in my head for over 10 years. I was thinking about it, developing it, developing each character etc. As I was getting older, I saw it from another perspective, but the main plot remains same. I just focus more on their personalities and reasons how could one decision make your life completely different. And also how faith can help you to overcome bad things in your life when you don’t give up. I had never written it before, this is the first time the story is somewhere else than in my head.

What are you confident about in your story?: I am really confident about the plot itself. I believe it’s quite unique and unusual. My story is focusing on older characters who made mistakes in the past and now the could have a chance to do something about it. I focus on character’s development and their inner motives. How one moment of your life could influence the rest of it. It will never be written directly this way, but it’s the hidden meaning behind the words. There are no empty words but soul behind them.

What are you not so confident about in your story?: Maybe directing sometimes, I work hard on getting better and better at this area. Sometimes the grammar. But these are things I can work on, which is great for me!

Amount of episodes: 4 -> it would be perfect if you could read all of them, but as you do three (which I completely understand), I would love you get feedback on the first three episodes.

Final notes: English is not my native language and this is my first story (which I already kinda mentioned). I am so proud of chapter 4 and I really hope my readers will fell in love with this chapter the same way I did when I was writing it.


#8

Tittle : Search for love
Author : S.writes
Genre : Drama
Cover :


Description: Your life turns upside down when you try to escape from a toxic situation! Can you find the love you are looking for trying to escape?

I inspire this story from my life. And I really want to passed this lessons I learned from my faults to the others

I want to show how hard is to find love. I want to show the friendship value and how my characters stays together whatever happens… How my MC character life turns upside down from a toxic relationship and toxic feellings and if she will find the way to survive from all of these.

You can read as much episodes you want and I dont really have problem with that. I would like to know if you like my story and if you will continue it… :hugs:

Enjoy :kissing_heart:


#9

Hi Luna! Thanks for offering to review :grin:

Title: Skeptics and Believers

Author: Piccalilly

Genre: Comedy (with a little mystery and romance)

Cover: image

Description: You’re stuck doing community service for a crime you didn’t commit. Will you grin and bear it, or find a way to clear your name?

What made you write your story?: I just LOVE those orange jumpsuits :wink: No, but really I wanted a setting for my story that could be both comedic and serious. I thought it’d be a good way to bring together characters with different personalities, socio-economic backgrounds, interests and philosophies. I intend to explore this further as the game goes on!

What are you confident about in your story? I tried to include a lot of choices and as much customisation as I could. I enjoyed writing the different personalities of the characters.

What are you not so confident about in your story? Definitely my directing! I’m such a perfectionist, I really want to make sure every scene is perfect but I’m still learning. Advice would be very appreciated! I already got some feedback that I use too many of the same talking animations, so I’ll be improving on that in future episodes.

Amount of episodes: 3 episodes so far so I hope you can review all 3.

And final notes: This is only my second story – I rushed my first one as I was submitting for the competition. I took my time with this one and I’m much more proud of my work this time around.

Thanks in advance for your review :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


#10

Title: The Four Horsemen

Author: S_Unique

Genre: Fantasy

Cover:

Description: 4 Sins. 4 Angels fell. 4 Horsemen rose. A curse was casted. And the battle of good vs evil is about to begin. CC/ Choices matter

What made you write your story?: I wanted something completly different from anything I’ve read.

What are you confident about in your story? That it has a different and unique plot.

What are you not so confident about in your story? The directing

Ammount of episodes: I have 7, but I would like you to review the first 3 please.:slight_smile:

And final notes: Is there anything I should now? English is not my main language

And thank you so much for doing this.


#11

Hello Luna!

Here are my details for you

Title: Crossed Paths

Author: Dreamer

Genre: Rom-Com

Cover: (Preferably both, but that is optional.)

Description: (This does not have to be as short as the in-app description. Write what you think I need to know.)

This story is about young Mindy Perez who has gone through a rough breakup which has affected the way she sees men and love but Derek sees something in her, he is willing to change it all.

What made you write your story?: A dream, I had a dream about meeting a man and we had a very nice relationship (lol)

What are you confident about in your story? Choices matter, bunch of zooms, well-planned.

What are you not so confident about in your story? If this appeals to all readers

Ammount of episodes: And how many you want me to review. (Max 3 episodes pr story, as I don’t want other people to wait too long to recieve my reviews.) Three is pereferable.

And final notes:

That I would really appreciate your thoughts and views on my story! Thank you Luna :heart:


#12

Hello Turtle_cat! :heart:

My review of «Save Me , Hero!» is finished.

First: Impression:
Based on your cover and title, I thought that this would be yet another story about “prince charming saving the girl”. But when I read your description it really drew me in! Both of your covers are very well made, and your overall first impression is professional.
Your intro is SO good! The splashes are great, the way you used music is great, and your intro scenes made it all seem like a movie. But the best part was how you managed to slip in some humour there.
In other words, a very good first impression. It gave me the feeling that you would put effort in your story.

Characters:
Yes, just yes. You know how to make characters! They were diverse, interesting, had a clear personality and exciting, realistic interactions with each other. But the best was the humour. They had me bursting at times.
The main character is sweet, and I love how positive she is! You haven’t fallen into the typical mc-traps where the character is either way too weak or just plainly rude. She is likable, have self-irony and I feel like people can relate to her. I also love the warm relationship with her father.

I love him!

Erin is an interesting, funny character that I liked a lot, and I am looking forward to getting to know her more!
And oh my… Axel and Jaxon together is just amazing. Honestly, I can’t say this enough, but you are so funny! I also liked how you showed a more serious side of them in episode 3.
Your characters are so good, and I have already come to like them so much that I believe some people could continue the story just for them.

Narration:
Your grammar is very good, with only some minor mistakes and your flow is great. I was however, a bit taken back by the way Hero handled the whole “kidnapping situation”. She should have asked right away what they wanted with her, been more afraid, asked them not to hurt her. Begged them to take her back to her father. I also think that she acknowledged that Axel was her brother way too quick. In my opinion, your story needs more realistic narration when it comes to the kidnapping, and it takes a big part in the story. But apart from that, the dialogues are good, and the characters emotions are expressed very well.

Directing:
This is exactly how a story should be directed. It was close to perfect. Your zooms and animations were perfect, and you have a talent for spotting. Even though there weren’t THAT many choices, I really liked how you could choose to be positive or negative and that your choices had an impact.
There was just one thing mistake I noticed in the beginning, as the scene kept going for a long time. The two people kissing on the bridge are too far apart, so it looks like they are making out in the air.

Like this:

Plot:
Your story is very original! It makes me stay as a reader and want more. You have some pretty good cliff-hangers in the first two episodes, but the third episode didn’t really end with any cliff-hanger. Make sure to always add those in, so the readers have no other choice but to read the next episode. I can tell that you have put a lot of energy and effort into the story and it seems well planned out. I love the idea of everyone having different powers. You created a lot of mystery when her best friend took her own life for a reason we do not know. I think that might be the biggest reason why people would continue to read. Like, did she see something in the future that became too much? What was it? Goosebumps.
You completely surprised me with the after-school-groups. They were so well done! And oh my… The anime club… I was laughing so hard. It’s details like these that really makes your story so great. The only thing that makes me a bit confused, is once again the kidnapping episode. Why is she acting so confident? Why doesn’t Jaxon explain anything to her, right away? Why can’t she call her father? Why doesn’t she try to run away? I mean. She had the perfect chance in the hotel reception. Don’t get me wrong. The fact that Axel is her brother and had to hide his identity, is really cool. But why did he need to kidnap her, make Jaxon take her to a hotel room alone, and then later introduce himself to her just to tell her that? I feel like it was a bit unnecessary. And what kind of group is that? Why do they need powerful people? What are their intentions and goals? I feel like if you needed to explain this a bit more.
But the plot is still very good, and I am exited to see were things goes!

X-factor:
Your story hade a lot of X-factor and I LOVED it. Your music and sound effects fitted perfectly in the story and really sets the mood. I could tell that you put a lot of effort into the details, such as the effects and art.

This was so cool!

You had some overlays, and they were placed well.
Your humour is everything, and you manage to keep it on such a high level during all the episodes.

Overall thoughts:
I honestly really liked this story.
Your plot is original, you manage to create suspense and it leaves you wanting more. It was in no way your basic superhero story. Although I felt a bit confused in the third episode.
The characters are amazingly well developed, and they made a big impression on me.
It is very rare for a story that is not put in the comedy- genre, to have humour like this. I love, love your sense of humour and I think it took the story to another level.
I don’t know your other stories, but this had perfect length and had next to no mistakes. I really hope that people would give you another chance. If what you say is true, you have developed a lot.
It’s amazing that you did the art yourself!
While reading your story, I can feel how much effort you put in to everything and how you care about the small details. It gives me an impression that this story is important to you.
I would recommend this story.

Final score:
5


#13

I haven’t even finished it yet but thank you thank you thank you! I’m going to work on the mistakes you said and make it better! I’m just so AGGGGHHHH. Thanks a lot. I agree that she did think Axel was her brother to quickly, but I had a reason that Hero was treating her kidnapper as more of a nuisance. I will put that in the story but a lot of people think that, too. I cannot believe I got a 5/6 rating. I hope your story gets approved soon because I just can’t wait to read it. I’m going to finish this thing! Thanks again and I’ll tell you when I finish! Well… I ask everybody this when they review my story, but do you have a fav character? I’d love to know! A lot of people like Erin and Axel, I guess they’re fan favorites!


#14

Alright, I just finished and thanks SO much, again. I’ll try to fix my directing mistakes and explain my reasoning more easily. I’m so happy you enjoyed and so happy that you recommend it, it means a lot to me!:grin::heart::star_struck::+1:


#15

You’re welcome! You clearly have a talent for writing, so I will be cheering you on. :blush:
Thank you! I really liked all of the characters, but if I had to choose, it would be the Dad, Erin or basically just the dynamic between Axel and Jaxon. Looking forward to reading more from you. :heart:


#16

Title: Dreams and Nightmares

Author: Dreams

Genre: Romance

Cover:

Description: Scarlet had a rough past and it looks like it’s not getting better after she was bought by some mysterious guy. Will she ever turn her life from a nightmare to a dream? Yes, it sounds cliche, but plot twists will change that.

What made you write your story?: I was frustrated with other stories and just wanted to get this story out of my brain into other people’s minds.

What are you confident about in your story? Maybe the character’s personalities, they are partly really complex.

What are you not so confident about in your story? Grammar and directing

Ammount of episodes: I’ve got 9 published ones, the 10th will be published tomorrow. Please read as many as you want, I don’t want you to spend your time on a story you don’t like.

And final notes: English is not my first language and this is my first story. I really care about character development and relationships.

Thanks for reading! :slight_smile:


#17

Wow. I really like your format thanks for this :slight_smile:
Title: A Divine Tale
Author: Emily M.
Genre: Fantasy
Cover:
Supernatural_d0_posterThumb_Qe44ZSFQLC Supernatural_d0_posterImage_Az6MacL6Au
Description: Individuals with supernatural power are called divinus. They are forced to live in a world that hates them. Someone has decided to kill them all. Including you.
What made me write this story: When I was 12, I was fond of video games and their stories and thats when i thought of this story, then when i was 13, i got more interested in anime. So you could say that this story is video game and anime inspired and i also see myself as the characters. The main characters you will see in my story reflect my different personalities that i either have shown to the world or not. Now 5 years later here i am writing this story :smile:
What am i so confident in my story: I use advanced directing and the plot is 100 percent original it may be inspired by some things but it is still original. This story revolves around family and how important they are (if you read past episode 4). I have many deleted scenes and revised a lot of parts.
What i am not so confident in my story: episodes 1 to 3 are just the prologue. I fear people will put it down by the first ep because the story starts a bit slow but i needed to do that for the strong character development.
Amount of episodes: 21 (how many i want you to review: 3)
Final notes: I made all the art myself


#18

Hello my name-twin Luna.Episode.Author! :heart:

My review of “Autumn falls” is finished.

NB! As you did not specify the number of episodes to read, I followed the rules in my post and only reviewed your first chapter.

First impression:

Both your title, cover and description really drew me in! Your overall look is very professional, and it gave me an impression of being a romantic story filled with mystery, secrets and suspense.
Your intro was ok. You had very good splashes but used a standard content-warning. What threw me off a bit, was how you introduced your story. It basically started with a background of the school, where you narrated among other things: “The mean girls are still mean” and “I still had the biggest crush on one of the school bad boys.” As this is such an episode cliché, I genuinely thought you were joking.

Characters:
The main character, Autumn was pretty sweet and showed some mature and understanding sides of herself. However, and this is probably just personal for me, it really annoyed me that she didn’t always stand up for herself. You introduced her as someone weak and without confidence.
I wish we got to know more about Autumn. Something that would make her special, that we could admire. Something more than a shy girl, struggling getting bullied.
I liked Jonah. I loved that he isn’t your typical bad boy, and that he was brave enough to stand up for Autumn in the end. But I was a bit disappointed in him when he made out with a girl and almost as soon as Autumn appeared he was like:

IMG_0554

That is not respectful to say to a girl after you just made out with her. He was also referring to her as semi-attractive. That’s pretty downgrading.
Although I do like Autumn and Jonah together, I really have no idea WHY they like each other. They have barely spoken together, and Autumn is this anonymous girl in school, while he is super popular. Why did he notice her? I would really love to know that.
I was at one point offered to choose why I liked him, but I really wished that there were other, deeper optional answers than these:

IMG_0575

I felt like her best friends were pretty cool, but unfortunately, we didn’t get to know them that well as most of their conversations were about Autumn and Jonah.
The mean girls, and Jonah’s brothers were very one-dimensional, which people in the real world rarely are. They were just plainly mean. Especially Annabella. She would be more interesting if you gave her some other qualities as well.

Narration:
Your grammar was near perfection! I can tell that you’re a good writer, as the narrations were sometimes were worded very well. But I found a lot of the narration a bit unrealistic. Everyone is suddenly obsessed with Autumn and Jonah after he gives her his jacket, when she (in my choice) walks in a towel. I mean, that is just being a normal well-educated person to do something like that. Most of the narration is about if they like each other or not, or how they should progress, thus the dialogue becomes repetitive. Unfortunately, in my opinion, that makes it a bit boring.

Directing:
This is where you really lifted your story. Girl, your directing is impeccable. The spotting was amazing, the animations looked so natural, but the best part was all the choices you gave the reader! You had a lot of interesting choices, that made an impact on the story. And your overlays! I will talk more about them later!
PS: Your zooms are great, but some of them are a bit long. A very minor detail though.

Plot:
Honestly, I think your story lacked originality. This is a story that have been written many times. Although I do find Jonah ok, I couldn’t really see the reason behind the romance and why they are crushing on each other. It was however exiting when Autumns clothes were stolen. You directed that really well. When one of the guys asked Autumn on a date, she turned him down, as she had every right to. But to call him a “clown” behind is back, and to say (I quote), “Where would we have gone for our date? To the circus?” was not what I expected from Autumn, as a girl that knows how it is to be seen down upon. In the end of the episode you also managed to create some suspension when you’re portraying your father and mentioning your mother’s cancer, but that happened very late. Annabella finding out about it was a good cliff-hanger though.
Your episode was pretty long (which I like), but there wasn’t always that much going on. There was too much narration about Jonah and Autumn’s situation, which in my opinion, worked like uninteresting fillers.

X factor:
You started your story with music. I loved that! But as the story progressed, the music was nowhere to be heard. You used effects very well and I could tell that you put effort into your story by making everything function as well as possible. Your overlays were amazing! The blush, the way you directed the throwing of the paper, her clothes hanging on the locker… it shows that you care about the small details. You also manged to fit some humour in, which is important in a story like this where the main character goes through a lot of hard stuff.

Overall thoughts:
Your directing skills, grammar and choices are amazing. Everything is so professional, and I could tell that you have put a lot of effort into your story. Your overlays did, in particular stand out. I also liked how the “bad boy”, were in fact a nice guy.
But, I still feel like this story is a bit unoriginal. You should try to add in some kind of twist that makes it stand out among all other stories about a shy girl, having a crush on the bad boy, while being bullied by mean girls. I did not really connect or find any of the characters that interesting, and the plot became a bit boring.
I can see that you are a talented director though. And my opinions might differ completely to other people. It’s all about preference.
I hope you continue to enjoy writing and be proud of your own story.
That is always the most important.

Final score:
Design%20uten%20navn%20(84)


#19

Title: Midnight Memories

Author: Evija

Genre: Romance

Cover:

Description: Ayla flies all the way from Ireland to somewhere in America, when she’s supposed to spend a summer in some kind of rehabilitation center for people with anorexia. (If I’d start to tell you more about the story, it’d be all spoilers!)

What made you write your story?: I’ve always had passion for writing and I love the episode app. One day I realized that I can make a story myself. And I’m constantly bored and needed something to do with my free time that doesn’t mean I have to actually socialize.

What are you confident about in your story? That the idea of MC is original and resembles me a bit.

What are you not so confident about in your story? Maybe some people could think that I’m just laughing about serious disorders and using them for entertainment, but I want to show that everything is not always as bad as it seems. Not only talking about eating disorders but about all kind of stuff.

Amount of episodes: 16 and I want you to read 3!

And final notes:

  • I made cover myself, I don’t think it needs to be something very artistic, it just needs to show what the story is about.
  • English is not my native language.
  • This is my first story.
  • Some things are actually based on my life.
  • I don’t mean to offend anyone.
  • I’m not using disorders for entertainment!

#20

Hello Fatima Al star!:heart:

My review of “In a starry night” is finished.

As you did not specify the number of episodes you wanted me to review, I will follow the rules in my thread and only review your first one. The first episode is very important as it is what makes your reader stay or leave, so I will not hold back.

First impression:

Your title is quite beautiful, and so are both of your covers. The upper arm on the girl in the small cover looks a bit thin and awkward, however that is a very minor detail. The description draws me in, but it is a bit unspecific? I mean, I don’t really know what the plot is going to be. Your intro… oh my god. That was SO pretty! I was really exited when I saw it, and it gave me a lot of expectations.

So beautiful!

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Characters:

Honestly, the episode was so short, that I didn’t really get to know anyone.
I guess Rose seems sweet and the reader easily feels sorry for her because of the parents. But who is she really? What’s her personality? What’s so special about her that you chose her as your main character? Her friend, Zoey, seem likable, and I think you portrayed Zoey’s mother realistically.
I noticed that all the characters have dark hair and lights skin. They look kind of Asian. If this story takes place in a specific country, it is important to mention it in the first episode to explain the lack of diversity.

Narration:

I know you worried about your grammar, but it is actually quite good! Impressive English, for not being your first language. You missed some dots however in the end of some sentences. Your conversations were ok, but I felt it was a bit unrealistic how Zoey’s mother, right after dinner, were like: “Go to bed! Now!” It was a bit out of the blue.

Directing:

Your zooms were ok, you didn’t use much of them though. The spotting was good, but you had some major mistakes. When you introduce a new scene, your characters always “pop up” on the screen, after the background has been introduced. When you spot your characters, when introducing a scene, make sure that you use “&” instead of “@”. That will fix the problem. When Zoey’s family find Rose on the street, everyone looks like giants! Try to spot them smaller so they look natural with the background.

This is what I meant:

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Try to use more transitions as well, as it looks a bit awkward without them. You had one real choice in your story, and it had an impact. Good.

Plot:

Your first chapter was so short, and when I finished it, I had no idea what the story would be about. You really needed some more scenes that would build the plot. I mean, I loved the dance competition and all, but when you have so few scenes, it kind of seemed a bit random?
You started your story well, with a fight, and Rose running away. That was intriguing. But after that, she just went home to Zoey, had a dance competition, ate dinner and went to sleep? We don’t really get an impression of Zoey’s brother, but if I understood it correctly, he is a love interest, right? When he went into the girl’s room and tucked a blanket around them, and kissed Rose on the head, it was both cute and a little bit creepy.
But when I finished the chapter, I was left with wondering if they would stay as kids in the rest of the chapters and what the story really would be about.

X-Factor:

This is where you shined the brightest! You used music, and it fitted well, and I am really impressed that you did everything yourself! There wasn’t a lot of humour, but you used text effects and coloured transitions. But you are super talented with overlays! The sparkles, when Zoey’s brother appeared, the twirling notes as the music played, such things goes not go unnoticed. And the opening was breath-taking! The swans, the shooting star and the creasing in the water when the feathers touched it. The animations of the feathers are really complicated, so you impressed me there!

Overall thoughts:

Even though you had amazing overlay directing, the chapter was too short. Neither your story-description, nor the episode, showed what the plot of the story would be. We didn’t get the chance to know the characters well, and, in my opinion, I didn’t get the time to fully invest in the story.
I can tell that you’re a talented director, so I hope you would bring a bit more length, clarity and character development in to your first chapter.
I hope you continue to enjoy writing and be proud of your own story.
That is always the most important!

Final score:
Design%20uten%20navn%20(84)