Luna's honest reviews!


#42

Hello Elizabeth!
Thank you! That made me very happy :blush:
I currently have 14 stories on my review list, so it might take some time. I am however, open for more stories and would love to review yours!
Don’t worry, I understand that it might be hard to expose your story like that.
I’ll pm you the review if you want me to. :heart:


#43

:gem: Gem story!

Hello S_Unique! :heart:

My review of “The Four Horsemen” is finished.

First impression:
Your title, cover and description really intrigued me. Combined they gave me a clear impression of what the story would be about, and I loved the originality of the concept. The splashes were amazing, and I like that you informed the reader that you had a point system. It made me excited. Your intro is just absolutely breath-taking.

What an epic beginning:

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The story about how Lucifer fell from heaven, all the different amazing backgrounds you used and how you cut to John laying in the grass looking up to the sky and introducing himself and how he lived was just perfect.

Characters:
You had a lot of characters, and each and one of them had their own personality, there was diversity and most of them even had their own backstory! This is very rare on episode. Some of the characters and relationships were developed so incredibly well, that it took me completely by surprise.
I love how you had two main characters. It was very interesting being a boy for once, especially being John. My god, what an amazing character. I rarely find a connection with the MC like I did with him. His kindness, courage, depth and his way of seeing through people made me fall in love with him just a little bit. Delilah is such an interesting and mysterious girl, and I love how you constantly let us find a little bit more about her. She can stand up for herself, she is fair and has this depth and pain to her that I feel you reached me with.
I love the mystery and passion surrounding their relationship.
It would be impossible for me to talk about every single character as you have a lot of them, so I will be talking about them in groups.
First of all, the angels… Both fallen and remaining. You have actually given each and one of them their own goals, backstory, ability, strengths and weaknesses and different relationships with each other. And then, different groups with different world views and rivalry between each other. And you could in many ways understand both sides. Honestly, this is in my opinion the most brilliant about your story.
You even gave John’s best friend a complicated personality with realistic flaws and strengths.
I do think Lucifer and Constantine, at times, are a bit unrealistically one sided though. Like this I feel, broke the flow of the story a bit:

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I wish you could bring more depth to them, but then again, I don’t know how the story will progress.

Narration:
You had an amazing flow in your narrations. Especially considering that English is not your first language. An example is in the beginning of the story when John is laying in the grass looking up to the sky thinking:

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Narration like this tend to get pretty cliché, but in your case, it didn’t feel like that at all. It was poetic and beautiful. You also used a lot of complicated words, which I like.
Your overall conversations and reactions were very natural to me. Good job.
You had some mistakes that feel could have been avoided. Not necessarily grammar mistakes, but words you wrote wrong that gives the sentence a new meaning. Like for example using “hole” instead of “whole” or “then” instead of “than”.
I have to add, that in the graveyard scene where John said to Delilah, something like: “I know that your hair smells like lemons and your skin like honey, yet I’ve never been near you enough to be able to know that”, gave me the chills. It must be hard to have the love of your life erased from your memory. Poor John and Delilah.

Directing:
Generally, your story had ok directing, but there were also some mistakes. Sometimes, when characters move to a different spot far away, they walk superfast! This tend to look a bit weird. Be sure to time their walk like this: @JOHN walks to spot 0.678 67 89 in 5.
The transitions were a bit unrefined sometimes as well. When you go to another scene, make sure that people have the proper facial expressions right away.
God is always facing left even though he is talking to somebody stand to the right.
The most noticeable though, are your speech bubbles! They are almost always pointed in a certain direction, so it doesn’t look like it’s coming from the person it’s supposed to.

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I noticed one scene with some layer issues, where John should be behind a person.

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I would also recommend you making the angel-statue into an overlay, so it doesn’t look weird. If you don’t know how to do that, I would be happy to help.
Your zooming is good, but it would be even better if you had more up-close shots of people when they are talking. It tends to give this amazing natural feeling. Your spotting and animations were very well done, and I love that you had many choices and used a point system.
Johns flashback when he realizes that delilah is Death is very well directed by the way.

Plot:
I love your plot. It is original, creative and has this underlying mystery that I can’t get enough of. I always love it when an author manages to create their own world and portray it well enough, so the reader gets dragged into the world with them. If that makes any sense? Either way, that’s what I felt happening to me.
You explained everyone’s reason to be banned from heaven, and I loved how well thought out each story was.
The “mithril” idea, was pretty genius, and I’m looking forward to seeing how it develops.
I just have to add that I love the little side story about William loving, and sacrificing himself for Hana. Beautiful.
Everything in your plot is justified. Even the burglar who killed John:

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Amazing plot twists and cliff-hangers in the end of each episode.

X factor:
You didn’t have any music or sound effects! I really wish you did as I feel it would have a great impact on the story. Your backgrounds were amazing, and I love how you credited your artists so clearly. Good use of filter and text effects. Love the “halo” overlay on God.
There wasn’t a lot of humour in this story, but I can understand that, as it has a very serious tone to it.

Overall thoughts:
You managed to create this depth to your plot, that I rarely see in episode stories. I felt really invested the whole time and I get his underlying feel of nostalgia, passion and forbidden love, that I surprisingly found myself loving.
The characters were amazing, especially the fact that we got to know the backstory of many of them, this early on. You have actually given each and one of them their own goals, backstory, ability, strengths and weaknesses and different relationships with each other.
I loved the rivalry inside the group of fallen angels, but also between the horsemen and God. Each group had their own “political” view on the world, and we could to a certain degree understand all sides.
The main characters were interesting and well developed, and each role had a purpose.
You had some directing mistakes, and I wish you would use music, but to be honest… The plot, narration, character development and suspense are so great that it fades away the rest.
You did this smart trick where you don’t let us know everything straight away but manage to release information bit by bit to hook the reader.
In other words, there are still a lot of unanswered questions that I’m looking forward to figuring out through this story.
A beautiful story that I recommend and will continue reading!

Final score:
1


#44

:scream::scream::scream: thank you so much for this review. I’m really glad you liked it. I haven’t really gotten myself to learn how to use sound but I’ve been meaning to do that so eventually I’ll probably add it. Thank you for letting me know about the speech bubbles, I’ve gone back and fixed many of them but apparently not all :confused: and thank for letting me know about the layer in that scene I did not notice it and I’ll probably change the scene like you said to make that overlay.:blush: thank you so much for taking the time to review my story.:kissing_heart::heart:


#45

It was honestly such a pleassure! :heart:
I’m happy that you found my review usefull!
I absolutely loved your story and I’m looking forward to continue reading it! :grin: Go you!


#46

I hope you enjoy the rest.:heart_eyes:


#47

Title: Hunt or get hunted

Author: owlquest

Genre: Adventure

Cover:


Description: The darkness will overcome the light in the end of the day. But will you survive or drown with the other monsters that is lurking in the shadows?

What made you write your story?: Life, really. I needed an escape and episode was there. My story is actually based on my own life, fantasy and a story I wrote 5 years ago.

What are you confident about in your story? I’m confident on the plot and how the story is evolving.

What are you not so confident about in your story?
The grammar! English is not my first language.
Ammount of episodes: 3 please!

And final notes:

  • I made all the art myself. (covers and artscenes in chapter 6)
  • English is not my native language.
  • This is my first story.

Thank you for this thread! :grin:


#48

Thank you Luna!
Well there are two stories I would like you to review :sweat_smile: haha one I don’t mind being public but the other needs serious work and that’s the one that I would like private.
So if you’re still accepting new stories to review I’ll fill out the form!
And of course take your time I’m in no rush haha
Looking forward to hearing from you! :relaxed:


#49

Title: Out of Control

Author: Elizabeth

Genre: Thriller/drama

Cover:

Description: App description: You suspect that your husband is cheating, but are you prepared for what happens next?

A young woman’s life is turned upside down when she discovers an earring in her husband’s car, and it leads her down a path she never would have imagined.

(I don’t know which description is catchier haha)

What made you write your story?:

I wanted to write this story because I am kind of a true crime junkie lol I love those types of stories so I wanted to create something like that, that you could read in 45 minutes or so (like a TV episode) and it would have a similar feel to one of those shows.

What are you confident about in your story?

I’m mostly confident with the grammar and language, I don’t think I should have too many mistakes! I also think people will enjoy the full character customization.

What are you not so confident about in your story?

  • Pacing: I’m afraid it’s too slow or too fast
  • Believability: like i said before I wanted the story to be like one of those tv episodes so of course there can be some cheesy parts but overall I wanted it to be mostly believable
  • Hayes: I decided to make him a love interest because everything has to has a love interest on this app it seems, and I thought maybe more readers would enjoy that, but I think it feels a little forced.

Amount of episodes: There are only 4 episodes in the story and it is complete, but if you can only review the first 3 I understand.

And final notes:

  • I feel like I kind of suck at directing haha so if you see any parts where there’s clearly a missed opportunity with the directing please let me know!

  • I didn’t include music or sound, but let me know if you think that would add anything to the story!

  • I also forgot to mention you see “My Nightmare” on the cover because I wanted to keep the option open to pretend that that was the show in case I made any different stories for this category


#50

Ooo this sounds really interesting! :flushed: Is this the story you want private?
The fact that you already see some of your own mistakes and are willing to try something new, makes me very excited!
Looking forward to reviewing it. :blush:


#51

Nope, that’s the one I don’t mind being public! Haha I just have to warn you episode one is pretty weak… so feel free to tear it apart :joy:


#52

Title: Villainous Heroes

Author: Lyra Keiken

Genre: Fantasy

Cover:
Small Cover:


Large Cover:

Description: Superheroes are real. Your best friend is missing. Your ex is sleeping with your friend. And to top it all off? You have a week to pay $1000 or you’re evicted.

What made you write your story?: I absolutely love superhero stories, and there is a severe lack of them on episode that I can find. So, I thought I may as well write what I’d want to read.

What are you confident about in your story? The special effects for sure! I’m very proud of the overlays and zooms.

What are you not so confident about in your story? The believability of the relationships between certain characters, namely the friendships.

Ammount of episodes: I’d love for you to read all three, however I’d understand if you choose not to go any further than the first episode as reviewing is a super busy job.

And final notes: This is my first story so I hope it’s a good one. Thank you! (Also, I’m waiting for the covers to be approved in-app still).


#53

Title: Through his eyes

Author: Nelles

Genre: Drama/ Romance

Cover:

Description:
As a young writer you find inspiration in an unexpected place. When your book becomes a movie, you’ll have to choose: lie to the man of your dreams or risk losing everything?

What made you write your story?: I have had this story in my head for years and recently a second story- layer occurred to me. I really wanted to see it visualised.

What are you confident about in your story? I gave the overlays and outfits a lot of attention!

What are you not so confident about in your story? I’m afraid the double layer story is confusing. I’m also not sure about the balance of drama/ romance and I tried to put some humour in it, too.

Ammount of episodes: 3, please

And final notes:

  • English is not my native language.
  • This is my first story.

Thank you very much for your review, it will be much appreciated. I’d love to have a detailed review before i publish :heart: