The Pregnany Curse
I. Love. That. Intro!! You did an amazing job on that, and since it’s the first thing readers see, it’s a good sign that the story is definitely going to be high quality.
So, our main character is Tristan. Props to you for having a male MC, which is something you don’t easily find in stories. Tristan is a player who sleeps with a different girl every night and feels no regrets. I love that we get to see his thoughts.
Tristan’s family cracks me up! His dad’s dialogues RULE. I especially loved the scene where Tristan, his parents, and his sisters were all talking about different things and no one was listening to one another.
Carmela- Somehow she reminds me of Mia, the main character in my story, mainly because of the lipstick shade, her last name (Martínez), her height, and the things Carmela says are kind of like the thoughts Mia has about some of her students but would never dare to say out loud. I love how Carmela was introduced, and the awesome plot twist when Tristan first saw her… and was immediately uninterested. And I’m very intrigued about why Carmela can read everyone like a book… except for the green-haired guy.
Okay, your overlays are EVERYTHING!! The bad breath overlays in the first scene were hilarious! You have definitely mastered the art of using overlays, and I love that.
Your use of sound is also on point… the music and sound effects fit each scene perfectly.
The spot directing in the school hallway was awesome! I really liked how you showed everyone’s reactions upon seeing Tristan walk in.
I only found two directing errors. One was a speechbubble issue in the bedroom scene where Tristan is talking to his oldest sister an sister, and the younger ones are listening in on their conversation. I can’t read what Leila asks because the speech bubbles are offscreen. But this is probably due to the changes in the speechbubble style because it also happened to me, that my speechbubbles got moved offscreen.
The other directing error I saw was when Melissa introduces Tristan, Zach, and Michael. She says that Zach is the one on the left and Tristan is on the right, but Zach is actually on the right and Tristan is on the left.
Great use of gold choices to unlock special scenes! I like how you explained the difference between blue and gold choices. It makes me feel that my choices matter.
You had me cracking up in every scene with the characters’ dialogues! Now that’s how you write comedy! I especially liked Shi and the yogurt situation, ‘gluteus maximus/minimus, and what Carmela told Tristan and his friends!
-Grammar and spelling-
Very good… I only found a couple of minor errors:
“Jenny, Lian, and Leila” make sure to include the commas between the girls’ names.
“And although I was right…”The word ‘although ‘ doesn’t need a capital letter there.
-What really stood out for me-
Every character has a well-developed personality! No bland, boring, or stale characters here! The pace of the story is perfect; not too fast and not too slow. I laughed in almost every scene, so the dialogue and exchange between each character was totally on point. I also love the idea of including a bonus comical scene at the end of each chapter.
-What you could improve-
Aside from a couple of very minor errors here and there, you’re doing a great job, so keep up the good work! I’m definitely recommending this story on Instagram. It deserves to be mentioned and promoted much more!