The Love Triangle
Okay, so in the opening scene, we have the author introducing the characters, and explaining who they are in the story. I’m personally not a fan of this technique; I prefer to get to know the characters as the story progresses, through their interactions with other characters.
How you can fix this:
I would suggest skipping the intro and having the characters get to know them as they appear in the story. For example, instead of having the author say ‘This is your sister, Pearl’, you could let us know who Pearl is when the MC interacts with her. Maybe she could say something like, “Please don’t tell my mom or your dad that I’m going to sneak out. If you cover for me, I’ll help you with (insert a favor here).” Of course, if you don’t want to do this and prefer having the author introduce the characters, no problem.
-Our main character is first introduced as Charity Mason, but near the end of the chapter, she tells Olly that she doesn’t like being called Charity. Then, at the beginning of the second chapter, we can customize her and change both her name and last name. Now, since the readers already identified her as Charity from the beginning and got used to her default look, it might not be a good idea to re-name and customize her in the second chapter
.How you can fix this:
My suggestion would be to give readers the option to play as the default character named Charity Mason (it would be best to do this before the story begins), OR if they don’t want to play as Charity, they can customize and name her. You would do this with a label, something like ‘label startstory’, so if readers choose to play as the default character, you’d write ‘goto startstory’ to skip customization. Then, if they do choose to customize, you’d use the label ‘goto customize’ (or something like that) right before inserting the customization template.
-Also, at the end of the first chapter, you mentioned that many readers thought Charity’s mom was cheating on her dad with Louis. Maybe you could clear up this confusion through some sort of dialogue between the characters. Perhaps Charity could tell her mom (or one of her friends) ‘I really miss dad. It’s been ___ years since (he died/my parents got divorced/he left), but I still can’t get over it. And even though my stepdad treats me well, he’ll never replace my dad’. That’s one way to clear up the confusion.
Olly seems really sweet, so right now I’m rooting for him as the love interest, as opposed to the cheating boyfriend. Daniel, the host of the party, is annoying and nasty. You did a good job making him despicable.
Your spot directing was very good, and I love the custom backgrounds you chose for each scene.
One thing that you could work on here is the choice of music. In some scenes, you had peaceful or cheerful music playing during scenes that were supposed to be sad or suspenseful, so for me it kind of took away from the feeling of the scene.
How you can fix this:
In the scene where Charity goes into the kitchen and remembers her dad, you had music_peacefulstringpluck still playing. You could do something like ‘music off’ before she enters the kitchen, and choose something more melancholic, like ‘music_spaceysomber’ or ‘music_sadgoodbye’. You might want to do the same in the scene where she starts crying after seeing her ex at Daniel’s party.
At the end of the first chapter, she gets a creepy note. There, you could add a scary sound like ‘sparseandcreepy’ or ‘scaryswell’ (I think those are the names) and maybe zoom in on her face as she appears terrified.
I love the clever insults you could choose to humiliate Daniel! I chose the one that said something like, ‘I’d insult you, but nature has already taken care of that’.
I see you included a few gem choices… one was to slap the cheating boyfriend, another was to wear a special outfit, and then there was one to go all the way with Olly. The last one was fine, as it was for a special scene. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea to use gem choices for outfits unless they have some sort of impact on the storyline or give you an advantage if you wear that outfit.
Your dialogues for the most part flowed naturally. I especially like when Charity and Olly were talking about the Avengers. As I mentioned above, in order to avoid confusion about her family situation, it would be best to explain it through dialogue and interaction with other characters.
Grammar and spelling:
There weren’t many grammar or spelling errors. There was a tense error in one scene (it may have been at Daniel’s party) where you have ‘Could’ve FOOL me’ instead of ‘Could’ve FOOLED me.’ The other one I found was when Cassandra said ‘Nobody embarrasses me infront of my crush.’ In front should be two separate words.
What stood out for me:
Your backgrounds, spot directing (especially when the characters were sitting on the stairs), and the choices of what to say to Daniel! Not all choices have to impact the story. Some can be for fun, like this one.
What you could improve:
Besides the suggestions I gave you above, I’d also like to suggest giving the cliffhangers a little more impact. The one in the first chapter about the note was fine, just make sure to use music that sets the mood. In the second chapter, mentioning Mary Lee while she was kissing Olly was a bit random, so you might want to have her stop kissing Olly to talk about how disturbed she was over the note, or have her receive an anonymous phone call related to the note… just some examples of things you can do to make it a bit more impacting.
These are just a few suggestions.