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Live notes while reading
These notes mostly concern directing while I read the episode. I note what looks off and what can be adjusted for a better reading experience.
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I think a better way to start a story would be with your cover art (like you did) and the title, instead of mature themes warnings. You can do that after 
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âGalaxy sceneâ: you used a fade in instead of fade out which looks a bit off
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When done talking or other non-idle animation, put the characters into idle animations. Otherwise they freeze in their last expression.
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Dog park scene: the toy overlay shifts way before the MC has thrown it which looks a bit unnatural. Adjust the timing a bit
Also: the MC hiding in the bushes is a bit too big compared to the bench. When placing characters in a scene always compare them to the surroundings like furniture, buildings etc. to make it look more natural
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MCâs first thought that sheâs not human is a bit unrealistic to me. If I saw some weird looking people in the public talking about powers and invisibility, I think my first thought would be that thereâs something wrong with them, not me. For example maybe theyâre practicing for theatre, making a TikTok or something or maybe theyâre nuts? 
You know what I mean? With that thought you put the right idea too soon out there. The reader is supposed to come up with it themselves or at least a bit later.
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Dog park night scene:
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MC and Gaius are too big compared to the benches.
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The outcome of the choice of either being angry or kind is a bit unnatural to me. MC starts apologizing for Gaius running into her and her being all anxious about it doesnât match her personality from what Iâve previously seen⌠
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MCâs mindblown reaction to Gaius telling her that red suits her, considering that at least two of the outfit choices include red tops, is wrong. You should either check what outfit the reader chose and then adjust MCâs reaction or have Gaius say something more like âI like the bright hairâ that indicates exactly what he meant.
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Gaius reaction and him saying âMy hair and eye color changed tooâ is also a bit weird. Considering that the first times heâs seen MC, she already had the red hair and eyes, meaning he doesnât know that it changed.
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Ending/startin menu: I recommend using more than one button so that the tapping actually has a meaning. For example the starting meanu: âCustomizeâ, âStart joruneyâ, âSkip episodeâ and for the ending menu âEnd journeyâ, âPointsâ and âQ&Aâ. This is what most authors go with I think that having only one button and telling the reader to click on it takes away its function a bit
Also: you should chcek the readers point before letting them buy points. Because: for example if I have 5/6 points and would buy 5 points fors gems, what would happen? Would I have 10/6 points? or 6/6 which would be a waste of gems that I spend for only 1 point.
Overall opinion
Title, description, cover
I like the title. I think it suits the plot right and also reveals a little bit what the story is going to be about 
The description is not but but I find the âWhat happens whenâŚâ-question a bit overused⌠But other than that it suits your story well 
I love your cover! The art is pretty, the colors are right and the title is clearly readable!
Directing
Your directing was mostly on point! 
Sometimes the character placement was a bit off, though (see above).
Your overlay animations were nice!
Sometimes the timing of characters performing action felt a bit too slow especially in dynamic scenes like in the beginning where Nimba tried to hold Akasha back. Or when Akasha was running away in the dog park.
Good amount of choices. Their impact felt right too, from what Iâve read so far.
I think your story could benefit from some filters here and there. For example scenes that take place at night/evening.
Plot
The plot seems to have a lot of potential!
But⌠there are some things that can be adjusted:
MCâs work day seemed pretty unnecessary for the plot, in my opinion, or at least most of it. I donât mean that itâs completely wrong but maybe showing less of it would be better. Charactersâ every day life is important for their development, for the plot etc. but being there for several hours and having regular convos with their work buddies can sometimes be too much, especially if these events donât serve a purpose to the plot.
You could for example: show where sheâs working and the beginning of a patient examination, then skip to her break where she goes to the park (key event) then again skip to her going home.
Many reactions and dialogue seem pretty unplanned to me. You forget to consider aspects like the readerâs choices which should lead to different dialogues etc.
You put the solutions out there way to soon and a bit too obvious. The readers donât really get the chance to come up with it themselves. I mean - itâs pretty obvious that the MC is a magical being 1. because sheâs able to see the others that were supposed to be invisible for humans, 2. because of the hair and eye color change, 3. because of the throwback at the beginning of the story but you donât give the reader room to come to the conclusion themselves or at least some time until you reveal it for them.
Aesthetics, reading experience
I think you could add a lot more narration/MCâs thoughts. For example where she touched the red magical thingy at the park âI could feel a warmth crawling up from my hand towards my heart and head. It soon spread all over my body.â or something. So her reactions and the dialogues around it gain more depth and meaning. Otherwise the readers are just left with what they see and the dialogues.
I liked the character diversity in the first episode!
But I think you should add more background characters as youâre sometimes âreusingâ the same characters in multiple scenes. For example: the MCâs secretary and one of the dog owners, later sit in the park as background characters. If that was intentional - I would have the MC greet her secretary in the park or something.
The grammar was off sometimes⌠There are many proof reader on here that can help you with that!
The text effects were sometimes a bit overused in my opinion. I think that making a line red is enough to emphasize it. You donât need to highlight or underline it too.
Overall
I canât say I didnât enjoy the story but if I was an âoutsiderâ I donât think I wouldâve continued reading. It just didnât draw me in like thatâŚ
The plot has a lot of potential as I said and I usually like fantasy stories like this but the surrounding were not enough for me to want to read more.
I think the main thing you can do is to plan the episode better, more detailed. For example: which choice leads to which outcome/dialouge later on? or is the characterâs reaction/dialogue realistic/natural?
You should trust more into reader being able to figure things out more! You donât have to reveal everything to them. Instead descrive things more (thoughts, narrations), create feelings in them and reveal the things step by step as they read or leave some things open to their imagination.
I think you couls also benefit from reading other stories too and making some notes: for example: characterâs reaction, narration, feelings, natural plot development etc.
Please note that I am not trying to make you feel bad about your writing or anything! I try to help you understand your mistakes and what you can do to give the readers the best reading experience. Helping you gain the reads you desrve is my priority which requires constructive criticism.
I hope this review is helpful and gives you a better insight!
Let me know if anything was unclear or you think that I made a mistake somewhere 
Iâll be happy to help! 
Or arenât you getting the reads you hoped to and canât put a finger on whatâs wrong with your story? 
Disclaimer: I do this in my free time so it might take a while.
Rude messages will be ignored on purpose.
Story Title:
Iâll continue it, I promise 
I have read your stories (you used to proofread one of my stories in the past) but I can reread them from the start and send you proof
